June 12, 2014

"Be the change..."

Spill, spill, spill...barrel full of thoughts.

There was a time I looked forward to my children being out on their own. I would have time to pursue writing or other interests.

Yet, here I am now, in that season of life - children are grown pursuing their own lives.

I feel lost. I feel my purpose is complete. What do I do now?

I recently shared with Hubby that I am not passionate about anything, really. I have occasional passion for hiking the Appalachian Trail, but that's about it. I have plenty of projects I should get about accomplishing. I have written the list...more than once.

In the past year or more, I have thought that my lack of passion is due to no longer having my grand purpose outlined by The Way - the grand purpose of "making available" the "accuracy of the Word" to the world. Up until after leaving The Way, I thought I would always "keep God first" fulfilling the "whole duty of man" by "fear[ing] God and keep[ing] his commandments." My identity was dictated by the scriptures.

But...I no longer embrace those purposes or that identity.

After leaving The Way, I got involved with anti-cult activism; but that passion too has waned.

I'm hesitant to get on board with any sort of grand movement to help change the world.

As I was watching a Youtube video this morning, the man in the video mentioned the life "mission" of Will Durant. I thought, I no longer have a life mission; raising my children was my life mission. And now, they are raised. Underlying that mission was to "keep God first," along with a long list of other commandments.

So my lack of passion is most likely multifaceted, as most of life is. Layers of reasons beneath our actions or lack thereof. In other words, my lack of purpose isn't due only to no longer being told what my purpose is according to scripture or according to The Way and then the flip-side of that in the "anti" crowd; but also, my career as a stay-at-home-eclectic-schooling mom is fulfilled. I have retired from that career path.

Will I come up with a new life mission? I don't know. I have many fleeting ideas that never come into fruition. Maybe I'll decide to stick with one of those ideas for longer than two weeks.

The line "be the change you want to see" has been on my mind lately. To me, for now, that equates into small everyday decisions...like to take home the plastic Wendy's container and put it in the recycling bin.



8 comments:

Alice said...

((hugs))


oneperson said...

Thanks Alice!

Hugs are always nice...well, it depends on who they're from. ;)

Hugs back...
((( <3 )))

Anna Maria said...

Sounds like you are going through the 'empty nest" syndrome Carol.

I used to think I had a "mission" and kept waiting for it to be revealed but it never was. :D

It's finally gotten to a point that I am excited just to wake up every morning and find that I am pain free enough that I can still crawl out of bed to do most anything I want to do. Looking back there were some troublesome "curses" along the trail but the blessings far out weight them.

oneperson said...

Yes, I think part (and maybe much) of my current apathy is due to the kids spreading their wings.

For some reason, I had thought that I would be mostly immune to the empty nest side effects. I think now that I was wrong in that assumption.

A few weeks back, after meeting the AT thru-hiker who had suffered quadriplegia, I have set a goal of May, 2017, to begin my own AT trek. Of course, like any other goal, it can change. The neuropathy seems to be responding well to the injections...as long as I take my 5mg of prednisone a day.

*chuckle* regarding your unrevealed "mission."

I think one of my missions is recycling. Ha. When I see soda cans or plastic bottles in a trash can, I want to dig them out. I have dug them out if someone throws them out at home...and I used to do the same at my son's baseball games retrieving any cans/bottles from the top of the 55-gallon trash barrel. I don't understand why people can't take their cans/bottles home and put them in recycling...especially where I live because the city has made home recycling so convenient.

Applause at being able to crawl out of bed and meet the day with less pain. I'm enjoying the same on this end and thankful for it.

Thank you Anna!
<3


Anna Maria said...

I'm a recycle freak also. One of my sons saves aluminum cans and I collect them for him. He doesn't need to anymore but can't break the habit...neither can I.

BTW...I sent my once quadriplegic writer friend in Houston a copy of your story about the inspiring thru-hiker on the AP you met and she loved it. It gave her inspiration to keep on plugging. We visited last week and she is making good progress...slowly but surely. Thank you for sharing!

Anonymous said...

i like this piece alot. it just sounds so real. and the inclusion of the tiny moment about the plastic dish at the end. makes it even more real. (Marta)

oneperson said...

So good to read about your friend and glad the story inspired her. I was just thinking about Rising Tide (the backpacker's trail name) yesterday...wondering where he is along the trail.

Slowly but surely is some of the best progress around. Maybe when I thru hike my trail name will be Turtle. *chuckle* ;)

oneperson said...

Thank yo Marta!
<3