Love strokes...

Bedtime: Monday, 1/12/2026 = 5

How do you feel, my love?

Disturbed, by what is happening in the country, in the world. 

Authoritarianism -- "We're always right (and righteous); and if you disagree with us, you are a traitor." "Our motives are good; yours are evil." "We have the truth; you are brainwashed." 

Thing is, if someone accused me of such, I would probably cower. 

But I wouldn't have to. 

Nor would I have to attack.

I can take the statements apart with neutrality...

Thus began my journaling with ink and paper last night. Strokes across lined pages -- shorthand, cursive, italic. Black ink on white paper. 

The cardboard cover is black, dappled with white spots, and bound with a black-tape binding. "Composition Book" is printed on the front cover. Printed on the inside of the front cardboard cover is a nine-lined, Monday through Friday grid. The title printed above the grid states, "CLASS SCHEDULE" 

Printed across each 9.75x7.6-inch page are 25 horizontal blue lines on which to write and a vertical red line down the left side of each page delineating a margin. There are 100 sheets of paper in the journal, totaling 200 pages. I number each page. Next page up? Number 100, a century of days. Haha. I began this particular journal on 10/27/25. 

Printed on the back inside cardboard cover are a variety of small grids that contain a variety of conversion tables. And a multiplication table; I hadn't seen one of those in a while. Printed at the top, "USEFUL INFORMATION." 

On Christmas Day, 2025, my nineteen-month-old granddaughter came knocking on my closed bedroom door calling, "Meemaw. Meemaw." Hubby, who was with Granddaughter on her side of the door, opened the door to let her in with him following. He plopped her up on the king-size mattress and spotted her as she roamed around like a little lion cub, curious and delighted. I set aside my cushioned lap-desk and pen and journal. We then played kisses and peek-a-boo, and we giggled. 

She picked up my ballpoint pen.

I instruct her, "That is Meemaw's pen. It is a tool; it's not a toy." 

She looks at me like she is saying, "Okay. I know what a tool is." 

Son has been remodeling their home for sixish months and is still in process. Granddaughter has heard him say "tool" often, explaining that they aren't play toys. 

But it has a button! How exciting!! She pushes it and the ballpoint comes out. I say, "On." Another push and the ballpoint retreats. I say, "Off." We play this a dozen times as she watches the pen pop out and pop in. 

I show Granddaughter my journal, "This is Meemaw's journal where I write my thoughts." 

She seems curious. I show her how I use the pen to draw and write. I draw a picture of her and print her name under the picture. Then I hand her the journal.

With focus, she turns the pages. Pausing, perusing, like she is studying them. Using the pen, she draws scribblies across some of the pages over my writing. I am fine with that, actually happy. We have journaled together.

Art...

From little hands...

Love strokes...

Everydayness...

I have shared a plethora of blog posts about the evolving/devolving navigation of life with polyradiculitis...

But even in that plethora, there is much that is not shared...

I have shared few posts about the insomnia...

However, I wrote a series on my poetry blog during the time of the chronic insomnia...

An insomnia which led to sleep deprivation...

And now it is time for the following to come forward...

I no longer want to hide...

So, I am putting this out into the field...

I am thankful for my husband and children and granddaughter, my few close friends, my trusted medical and wellness team, and Earth's wildlife and non-human creatures who have continually come to my aide through the decades...

~*~

12/08/2025

Yesterday I asked myself, "Carol, what are your triggers?"

And I answered, "What do you mean 'triggers?' "

"Circumstances, internal and/or external, which prompt a response of vigilance, on-guardness, protectionism, avoidance, self-judgement, and fill-in-the blank."

If left unchecked, these can then manifest in biological symptoms such as pain, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and blank-in-the-feel.

Then an insightful answer appeared.

"Each day as I open my eyes to greet the day, I am triggered. Wow..."

Why?

Because I don't know from day-to-day where I will land on the symptom-severity scale. 

And the factor that I navigate mostly alone can multiply the feelings of aloneness. I am physically alone most of the time as I daily navigate (on a continuum) fatigue, brain-stupor, physical weakness and pain and more, and the mundane tasks of being my own caregiver.

Waking up for the day triggers me.

Who will I be today? 

What will I have to navigate?  

This is hard to admit, but it's true. 

But again, "Why does greeting each day trigger me?"

It's the unknown factor, the uncertainty, of whether or not and how much I can trust my own body and brain to function on any given day...

And you know what?

Every human lives in the unknown.

None of us know what will meet us on any given day.

Yes, we have expectations and routines and goals and tasks.

But still, the next 24 hours is unknown.

The next second is unknown, at least while living here in this earthly plane. 

Dad didn't wake up one morning and have the goal of becoming a quadriplegic that afternoon.

I didn't wake up over 14 years ago with the goal of losing normal function in all my limbs and extremities.

I didn't go backpacking in my beloved Roan Mountains 15+ years ago with the goal of my ex-mental health therapist trying to assassinate my character with outright lies in at least a dozen public articles/posts.

And the list goes on...

For each of us...

But Carol, you don't have a job or work outside your self-care. 

This too is true and has been hard to accept and embrace.

And yet I know I'm not alone in navigating (have I used that word enough?) this kind of life.

I have found comfort in others' stories who live with disability and are so very limited to partake in the physical tasks of living.

Such as cooking, cleaning, errand-running, yard work, decorating one's home during the holidays, shopping, walking the dog, helping others with physical and other needs, sending cards, and so forth.

But I do have routines in my self-care, and I do have purpose as long as I can continue to accept and embrace that this is my job. 

And it is a hard job.

It's not one I would have chosen, but it is the one that has fallen to me.

So, in that sense, I'm just like able-bodied folks that have jobs or work of serving others.

I continually tell my self that my self-care is serving others...

And this too, is true...

~*~

Three days later, on 12/11/2025... 

I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...

Water is a big part of the couple exit-life plans I've come up with...

Water will finish the deed so that no breath is left...

I turn the knob with feelings of utter worthlessness, shame, no value...

Of no light at the end of this dark, endless tunnel...

Feeling so alone and that I am only a burden to my family and beyond...

The pills, over 40 per day...

Just one unrelenting circumstance that I navigate...

But it won't take 40 for this deed...

I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...

And a thought clearly emerges...

If Hawk is here, I'll not do it...

I turn off the knob and the flow ceases...

I walk to the bathroom window...

I peer into our big backyard...

There, regal and faithful...

Hawk, my companion...

I call Hubby...

~*~

12/16/25: Over 40 pills a day... 

I post this with some hesitancy...

But I'm so tired of hiding...

Perhaps by releasing this, I will receive something of substance...

Perhaps any passersby who suffer similar will feel seen, less alone...

I list the targeted reason for the supplements, but they also provide other systemic benefits.

I have to take multiples of many of the same pill; for example, I take 4 Omega-3s a day. 

Thus, the following listed pills add up to over 40....

It starts when I arise from bed. I swallow Bromelain, an enzyme which must be taken on an empty stomach for its anti-inflammatory effects.

An hour-or-so later after I invert on my inversion table, I swallow an Iron caplet which must be taken away from other mineral supplements. I combine it with Vitamin C with Quercetin to aid the Iron absorption and for inflammation. I swallow SAM-e for pain and depression. 

Then I exercise. 

Thirtyish  minutes later: Digestive enzyme; two Charlottes Web CBD gummies and sublingual liquid extract for inflammation and recovery and nerve health; and Sublingual B-12 for nerve health.

I eat a little, breaking my fast of 16 to 17 hours, and then swallow the first round of mixed pills. 

5 milligrams of Prednisone which I've been on since July 2011 but is reduced from the 1000s of milligrams of injectable steroids that I received throughout each year from 2014 into mid-2022. Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter a steroid side-effect. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium to help counter the steroid side effect of bone loss. Monolaurin to help counter Epstein-Barr. Garlic to help counter the candida side effect of steroids. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity. 

Part of my breakfast consists of powdered food supplements stirred into Coconut Water with added Tart Cherry juice concentrate. Coconut Water provides potassium to help with my leg cramps; Tart Cherry juice addresses inflammation. I stir into it 6 different powders: one targets osteoarthritis; one provides a Multivitamin, but I drink a kid's version with lower B-6 levels because my body doesn't metabolize B-6 properly; an Electrolyte to help with proper absorption; Curcumin/Turmeric for inflammation; Lion's Mane for nerve health; and Fiber which helps with cholesterol. I add another powder to my morning cereal; it targets blood sugar levels to help counter the diabetes side-effect of steroids. I also swallow MCT oil for brain and inflammation; and liquid CoQ10 for heart, brain, and fatigue.

Mid-afternoon, I swallow NAC and the mineral supplement of Strontium. Strontium needs to be taken away from other minerals; it helps counter the steroid side-effect of bone loss. NAC helps the body and the liver with detox; I used to take it at bedtime until after the chronic insomnia onset in April 2022.

Before my evening meal, I swallow another digestive enzyme. After eating I swallow the next round of mixed pills. 

Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter the steroid side-effects. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium to help counter the steroid side-effect of bone loss. Vitamin D3 for my bones. Garlic with Curcumin to help counter the candida side-effect of steroids and to address inflammation. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity. A Mushroom mix for immunity. Lysine to help counter shingles and herpes simplex virus. Probiotics to help counter the candida side-effect of steroids. 

I can hear the critics now...

And to them I say, "Come live with polyradiculitis and all its repercussions, not to mention the other traumas I've survived. Then your criticism or critique might hold some weight.  I don't like taking all this. But I humbly state that it has paid off in that I am not in a nursing home; my bone density is holding steady; my blood pressure and heart specs are in normal ranges; I don't have diabetes; I seldom get 'sick;' and fill-in-the-blank. Does that mean I will never develop any of those abnormalities? No. But I will do what I am able to help mitigate them, if I can."

Then there is bedtime. 

I begin this routine 1-1/2 hours before I lie down for the night. Two Charlotte's Web gummies and sublingual extract for inflammation; then I laser my brain for sleep. 

Then, I swallow a teaspoon of coconut oil and swallow magnesium supplements for sleep, and I take two THC gummies for sleep; then I again laser my brain for sleep. 

Next, I drink powdered herbs in water -- herbs combined specifically for me by my herbalist -- for inflammation and sleep.  

Then I carry my little cloth bag (that my daughter sewed for some project when she was young) upstairs which contains my 2nd-shift sleep herbs, 2nd-shift THC gummy, and two Charlotte's Web Stay Asleep gummies. I arrange the containers on my dresser with a coffee cup half-filled with water and a glass of water each on its own hand-embroidered coaster from a village in China, a gift from a friend who lived in the village for a number of years.

Then I load my dry, no-oil, vape device with cannabis and carry it and my sleep-pharmaceuticals (of which 2 have to be cut in half which I prepare in the morning) downstairs to the living room. 

While I vape, I play Sudoku; fill in my columned chart for the day; maybe draw or color or journal or read; heat some rice socks which I use on my hands and legs and back; and then lie on the couch while using a foam roller on my left thigh. Depending on how and what I feel I might channel surf on the TV landing on a comedy or a show of interest. I also lie in silence as I allow my thoughts to free float. 

During the last 45-to-60 minutes of the 1-1/2-hour routine, I take three different pharmaceuticals, spacing between each one. 50 milligrams of Seroquel, down from the 300 milligrams which began in August 2023. Then, after 15 or so minutes, I swallow .25 milligram of Xanax which I began around July 2023. Then after another 15ish minutes, 5 milligrams of Dayvigo, down from 10 milligrams which I began in July 2023. 

When it's time, I carefully make my way up the 7-step wooden staircase, climb into the king-size bed where hubby is already sleeping, adjust my various kinds of pillows, arrange my body under my multiple blankets, and finally fall asleep to arise sometime later in the dark hours when I drink my 2nd-shift combined-for-me herbs and chew my three 2nd-shift gummies. Usually I can fall back under, but sometimes not. 

Again, I can hear the critics, and I respond...

"We tried probably all the natural means for me to be able to fall under. We tried supplements, homeopathy, various herb combinations, acupuncture, photobiomodulation, unplugging electronics in the bedroom, weighted blanket and then other blankets, turning the air down to 68 degrees F, prayer, affirmations, meditations (which actually saved me through the 14 months of chronic insomnia that ended up in a really bad case of sleep deprivation), mental health counseling, counsel from a sleep neurologist, exercise, and more. And we tried other pharmaceuticals. We finally landed on the combination above. And I do sleep now, but there are side effects to all these drugs. However, the benefits of being able to sleep currently outweigh the risks of the side effects."

And to any critics and judgers I ask, "Have you ever lived with sleep deprivation; and I mean real sleep deprivation? The paranoia, suicidal kind? Of all the traumas I've experienced in my life, sleep deprivation has been the most terrifying."

I state that even compared to the 4-day nightmare with datura stramonium at age 15, except I didn't hallucinate during the 2023 sleep deprivation.

I state that even compared to the chronic and relentless, suffocating-like-one-is-drowning-in-their-own-fluid, asthma attacks that erupted almost every day/night for over 15 years.

Effects of a hallucinogen wear off...

My asthma attacks would typically subside  after two to three hours, giving me a break until the next one growled and pounced...

But wondering if you'll ever be able to again fall under into sleep? 

A different kind of torture...

~*~

So, there you have it... 

A snippet of my daily, self-care, maintenance regimen... 

And that is just my daily pharmaceuticals and herbs and supplements, and part of my sleep routine... 

~*~

Quack: Projection or Pattern Recognition?

I don't exactly recall when I first wondered, Why does Trump outright lie about the obvious?

(Currently the "obvious" are statements about the economy doing better, how grocery prices are lower, how the USA is respected again around the world, how gas prices are down to $2.00 a gallon, and so forth...)

The knee-jerk response to my question could be, "Because he's a sociopath, a malignant narcissist, a conman, a gaslighter, and ..." 

But that still doesn't answer my question. 

Perhaps it'd be better phrased, "What advantage is there to outright lying when a person/people are outright experiencing the opposite of that which the liar proclaims?" 

The Way taught, "Confession of receipt yields receipt of confession," which means to speak into realty that which hasn't yet manifested. And also, to build one's believing so that the manifestation can happen.

Trump grew up attending Norman Vincent Peale's church. Peale taught similar to what The Way taught/teaches regarding this formula. This manifestation doctrine has been labeled the "health-and-wealth gospel."

Ah, maybe that's it. Trump maybe does believe that if he speaks something that isn't as if it is, in due time, what he speaks will manifest. 

*~*

In addition to the Jeffrey Epstein fiasco, I've been keeping an eye on the recent online feud between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald J. Trump.

What I see in Trump's responses is someone who is hiding or protecting something or someone. In his responses I see someone who is (or at least may be) guilty of the thing(s) of which he is accused and/or of the very things of which he accuses others. 

I witnessed this type of behavior in The Way and in the anti-cult movement and (more up close and personal) with John M. Knapp, formerly LMSW... 

Name calling, the perp making him/herself into a victim, deflection, threats, false accusations against those who are calling out the aggressor, outright lies to prop up just how righteous the perp is, flamboyant theatre as a way for the perp to present him/herself as someone who thinks outside the box and is taking a stand for truth in a clever way...

~*~

When The Way was unraveling in the latter 1980s and then again in the latter 1990s (corresponding with two big Way-believer exoduses), Hubby and I considered and discussed what we had heard and read. Each time we made, what we considered at the time, an informed decision to continue with The Way through both those exoduses. One of our concluding reasons to stay was, "There's nothing else better out there..." 

I've heard and read folks state regarding Trump, "Well, it's still better than Biden or Kamala." That statement kind of reminds me of us deciding there was nothing better outside the household of The Way. But how can one know if there's anything better if they don't look around and check out what else is out there? And how can one know that things would be worse under Kamala? 

[BTW, a bottom-line reason I voted for Harris (and either not vote or vote for a third-party candidate whom I figured would lose) was because I'd rather navigate the censorship of the Left than what I saw coming as the censorship of MAGA.]

As far as the sexual-abuse accusations against Wierwille (the founder and first president of The Way) and other top leadership in The Way, Hubby and I believed devil spirits were at work in the accusers. After all, the devil is "the father of lies" and he is always into blaming the Ministry so as to keep people enslaved to his manipulations. Also, free-love hippies were flocking to The Way in the 1960s through the early 1980s; these women probably flaunted Wierwille and in a moment of weakness he succumbed. And why didn't these women speak up earlier?  After all, they didn't speak up until after Wierwille died; he couldn't defend himself. 

Does that reasoning (by Hubby and me at the time) sound familiar? 

It's called rationalization and is a normal, human response when one is holding onto a "truth" in which they have invested a lot of energy, money, time, heart, life, effort, and trust. 

Hubby and I now believe and know differently regarding, among other things, the accounts of the women who have shared some of their experiences.

~*~

This morning, I read an X-post by MTG calling out DJT on one of his lies about her, that she had been calling him a lot and complaining to everyone that he hasn't returned her calls. She responded with the facts -- she hasn't called him, but she has sent him two texts which she posted. 

Good for MTG. That's how one should (depending on circumstances) respond to false accusations. 

Respond with the facts and material evidence if one has any.

DJT's post about MTG are just small, little lies that one could chalk up to just a misspeak...

That said, the devil is in the details...

~*~

When Knapp initially privately gaslit me and privately falsely accused me in August 2010, I could have brushed it off as not-that-big-of-a-deal. And in comparison to most abuses, it was "small" (unless you were in my shoes). But within a week of Knapp's abusive actions and words directed at me, I learned this wasn't the first time Knapp had behaved in this manner. The information I received was corroborated by someone else later that month. And yes, knowing that was one reason I decided that I should file an official complaint -- Knapp's behavior was a pattern.

As I state elsewhere upon learning this information: 

"...I am stunned at the things shared with me. I ask why no one spoke up about these incidents as a warning for others. Chris tells me that people allowed a wide margin for Knapp because of the supposed trauma he had suffered due to the TMO [Transcendental Meditation Organization]. Also, some thought Knapp had changed after going back to school and earning his social work license.

Though I don't take all the information at face value, it does match my experience. Knapp had behaved toward me as he had toward others.

But none of the others were clients..."

Of course, my personal experiences were not on a gigantic, national, worldwide scale which can result in national or global havoc (which brings to mind Covid).

And one could say that I'm projecting my experiences into what I am currently witnessing (and have witnessed) in the MAGA-sphere.

But here's another way to look at it: Maybe it's not projection, but rather pattern recognition.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck.

~*~

For a deeper dive into my experiences with Knapp, here are three links:

1) This is a copy of my complaint which I filed at the end of September 2010: Complaint Overview.

2) This post shares my response to Knapp's public accusations which he posted on his organization's website and on social media (tagging folks in the cult-recovery field) almost a year later, in August 2011: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations.

3) This post shares a deep dive (but still omits details) into the timeline of events: The Knapp Saga: For the Record. As I state in the opening of the piece, one of the reasons that I decided to post the timeline is "because perhaps this record... may help validate anyone who has endured a similar manipulative experience; whether with Knapp or someone else. The timeline gives an example of the slow process into entanglement and of rationalizing certain behaviors because of so-called trust."

Again, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck...

~*~~*~

Well, this is interesting...

After I published this blog piece I checked my blog stats for the past 24 hours. And, lo and behold, one post that had been visited is entitled "Why would they lie?"  

The piece takes a deeper dive into my rationalizations regarding sexual abuse allegations of Way leadership. Unlike my 11/15/25 post which poses the question regarding a perpetrator, the 2019 post poses the same question but in regard to the victim-survivors and whistleblowers...