10:06 AM
7/21/09
***
When will I ever get around to the projects I want to accomplish...the home and my writing? How can I prioritize them and then follow through? I know what I want to do. I tell myself, it's just a matter of scheduling & prioritizing. Yet, it seems some sort of crisis arises, and the home and writing projects get pushed lower on the list. So, how can I allow those projects to rise to higher levels of importance? Or maybe they aren't that important.
I've recently (beginning in May) had at least four face-to-face conversations about "cults." In these conversations, I realize that I still have a difficult time calling The Way a "cult," even though in these conversations I called it a "cult." But at the time and afterwards when I mull over the conversations, I realize that my feelings waffle; emphasis on the words, my feelings waffle. (That was supposed to be funny.)
In at least three of these recent conversations, I found my self (internally) jostling my head to clear cobwebs. As I think about that now, I picture the more-cognitive me gently blowing the cobwebs. They aren't sturdy, like spider webs. They are old and worn. The wind from my pursed lips causes them to part from the center, causes space to open up so my sight is clearer, instead of translucent.
The most recent conversation was this past Friday night. The most recent before that was Thursday night. Friday was with a longtime friend. Thursday was with a person I met at an overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway. That's two nights in a row, which is a rare occurrence for me. In the Parkway conversation, the stranger (who didn't feel like a stranger once we became engrossed in some deep subjects) and I conversed for about 2-1/2 hours! Due to my health adversities, I don't think I've been able to converse like that in years. Both conversations began at late dusk and went into the night. No artificial lights were needed.
On Friday, my longtime friend and I sat on my back porch as the night sounds serenaded. As the evening rolled along into total sunset, we noticed the tree frogs joining the chorus with the crickets as the cicadas were bowing out. The porch box fan was on high, but we could still distinguish the different voices. The outside porch lamp was turned off. Our eyes had naturally adjusted to the fading sun and the gradual darkening.
Our conversation had begun around 5:45 PM over supper at a local Japanese restaurant. After the restaurant, we landed at my home for dessert - ice cream. Through supper and into the evening, our conversation flowed along about health, animals, sex, dying, reincarnation, nature...
Toward the end, my friend shared about the resentment she had held onto after leaving a local humanity-service group, a group of which she was a founder and later left, a group she says she misses and would like to return to at some point, a group she says has evolved (I infer) into a more healthy organization.
As I was relating back to her what I thought she might be communicating, I found myself trying to explain "doctrine over person," which to me is fundamental in fundamentalist groups, a defining factor of a "cult." (Hmmm, perhaps I should use the term toxic cult.) And I felt myself falling woefully short of trying to convey my thoughts. And I thought to my self, and maybe even said aloud, After all the reading I've done on this stuff, and my experiences in the cult and anti-cult movements, how can I still not articulate well what it is I'm trying to share?
Shortly thereafter, and after my friend had left, I found my self internally jostling those cobwebs. My feelings and thoughts followed a similar path as they had the night before after my conversation with Parkway dude. Set feelings aside Carol. What are the facts? I thought of James (RIP dude). my ex-Jehovah's Witness friend from Australia who helped me (maybe more than any one person) in cutting through the fog that would cloud my head after my experiences at GreaseSpot Café and with John Knapp. (Both of which fell more into the anti-cult camp.) I thought of a poem I'd written in 2001 while still in The Way, at a time when I as struggling with mood swings and learning how to apply cognitive behavioral therapy.
As my internal dialog went back and forth recalling my life, I relaxed. There are identifying facts that corroborate The Way as a "cult" (or rather toxic cult). When I calm my mind and emotions, I can identify those factors. And it's understandable why I waffle; my entire adult life has been engrossed with cultic circumstances, some incredibly good and some traumatizing. Now, in the current political environment, these cultic conditions seem to be the norm.
July 21, 2019
July 17, 2019
Recent stuff...epidural #26, unoffendable, twitter, rainbow bridge
The past few weeks I've thought so many times about posting something on my blog, and I so often don't have the energy. I'm putting this up without much editing. Though I may come back and edit it later.
The Wednesday night phone writing workshop was cancelled tonight, which was probably good for me. I got Epidural Number 26 yesterday, and today was the usual day-after-let-it-start-working rest day. I finally felt it begin its magic this evening. I'm thankful I have something that brings some quality, systemic relief. Maybe the day will come that I no longer need epidurals. My hope for that wanes and waxes. As I approach the appointed epidural time every 12ish weeks, I have to decrease my daily prednisone. When I do, I know yet again just how bad my symptoms are without steroids.
I recently finished reading the book Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. Brant is a Christian, and the book is written from that perspective. But I still liked it, very much. I'm sure I will refer back to it. Brant is an insightful writer, and funny. As I read the book I thought, If folks like Brant and Tom Talbott were the face of Christianity, it'd have a better reputation.
Sometime between 2008 and 2010, I "came out" as agnostic. Yet, even still, I hold onto some of my Christianity.
But Carol, how can you do that. You either believe or don't believe? There is no holding onto "some". That's what my be-either-hot-or-cold-or-he'll-spew-me-out-of-his-mouth compartment tells me. Scriptures like the spew one are the ones that nudge or push me to my agnostic side.
An aspect of biblical teaching that I have a huge problem with is sacrificial blood, that the only way to redeem mankind was by the shedding of blood. But, I really don't feel like typing out those thoughts now.
If I would again become a "believer," I'd have to go with the Christian Universalist doctrine. It makes the most sense to me. That is, that if Jesus did it for all and it truly is grace, there are no buts. No one will be eternally annihilated or eternally tormented. Everyone in the end will make into the kingdom. Yes, even Hitler. (Gasp!) To me, if the Jesus story is true, that's how big it is.
I learned about the book Unoffendable in January, a few days after I'd written my 2019 "goals". I found it via Twitter under a Jonathan Haidt thread. I read some of the preview pages on Amazon. The book seemed to line up with my 2019 goals (and it did). But I didn't purchase the book until this month.
Twitter. When I read through the political posts I am reminded of the anti-cult and cult camps. When I left The Way (a "cult") and got involved with cult activism ("anti-cult"), I eventually discovered that the two camps were almost like two peas in a pod...just at the two extreme poles of the pod. Both extremes accuse the other of black-white thinking and are consistently accusing the other side of evil motives. Each side name-calls and belittles the other. And yes, I'm guilty of some of that too. Maybe politics is always that way, or runs in cycles of extremes every so-many decades. And Trump feeds the mindset and encourages such, like it is a righteous thing. For the president of a country supposedly founded on ethical Judeo-Christian principles, that is wrong. His rhetoric and tactics remind me of Craig Martindale, the 2nd president of The Way. And yes, the far right of the GOP (which appears to be what the GOP is transforming into) reminds me of a cult more so than the left. If I were a republican, I'd be a never-Trumper. As an independent, I am a never-Trumper. I hope the democratic leadership doesn't screw things up so much that Trump wins again.
I don't want to end this blog entry on a Trump note. So, here's one more bit of news.
My four-legged blind friend died on July 3rd. He was staying with us from June 6th through July 6th. He had developed some more health issues in May. And they flared (plus more), beginning about the second week he was with us. His humans were unable to get back when he took a turn for the worse on the night of July 2; they were on a ship near Scotland. We communicated often. It was a hard decision for them to make while away, but I think they did the right thing. The dog's lifelong vet thought it was the compassionate thing to do. I thought so too.
I gently held my four-legged friend as his vet gently euthanized him. I'd never done that before, held a pet when they were euthanized. It was a tough day. But I was honored to be with him. Perhaps I'll post more about him later.
I'm honored that I got to share in some of his life. He saw me through some of my darkest hours. I loved him dearly and will miss him...
The Wednesday night phone writing workshop was cancelled tonight, which was probably good for me. I got Epidural Number 26 yesterday, and today was the usual day-after-let-it-start-working rest day. I finally felt it begin its magic this evening. I'm thankful I have something that brings some quality, systemic relief. Maybe the day will come that I no longer need epidurals. My hope for that wanes and waxes. As I approach the appointed epidural time every 12ish weeks, I have to decrease my daily prednisone. When I do, I know yet again just how bad my symptoms are without steroids.
I recently finished reading the book Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. Brant is a Christian, and the book is written from that perspective. But I still liked it, very much. I'm sure I will refer back to it. Brant is an insightful writer, and funny. As I read the book I thought, If folks like Brant and Tom Talbott were the face of Christianity, it'd have a better reputation.
Sometime between 2008 and 2010, I "came out" as agnostic. Yet, even still, I hold onto some of my Christianity.
But Carol, how can you do that. You either believe or don't believe? There is no holding onto "some". That's what my be-either-hot-or-cold-or-he'll-spew-me-out-of-his-mouth compartment tells me. Scriptures like the spew one are the ones that nudge or push me to my agnostic side.
An aspect of biblical teaching that I have a huge problem with is sacrificial blood, that the only way to redeem mankind was by the shedding of blood. But, I really don't feel like typing out those thoughts now.
If I would again become a "believer," I'd have to go with the Christian Universalist doctrine. It makes the most sense to me. That is, that if Jesus did it for all and it truly is grace, there are no buts. No one will be eternally annihilated or eternally tormented. Everyone in the end will make into the kingdom. Yes, even Hitler. (Gasp!) To me, if the Jesus story is true, that's how big it is.
I learned about the book Unoffendable in January, a few days after I'd written my 2019 "goals". I found it via Twitter under a Jonathan Haidt thread. I read some of the preview pages on Amazon. The book seemed to line up with my 2019 goals (and it did). But I didn't purchase the book until this month.
Twitter. When I read through the political posts I am reminded of the anti-cult and cult camps. When I left The Way (a "cult") and got involved with cult activism ("anti-cult"), I eventually discovered that the two camps were almost like two peas in a pod...just at the two extreme poles of the pod. Both extremes accuse the other of black-white thinking and are consistently accusing the other side of evil motives. Each side name-calls and belittles the other. And yes, I'm guilty of some of that too. Maybe politics is always that way, or runs in cycles of extremes every so-many decades. And Trump feeds the mindset and encourages such, like it is a righteous thing. For the president of a country supposedly founded on ethical Judeo-Christian principles, that is wrong. His rhetoric and tactics remind me of Craig Martindale, the 2nd president of The Way. And yes, the far right of the GOP (which appears to be what the GOP is transforming into) reminds me of a cult more so than the left. If I were a republican, I'd be a never-Trumper. As an independent, I am a never-Trumper. I hope the democratic leadership doesn't screw things up so much that Trump wins again.
I don't want to end this blog entry on a Trump note. So, here's one more bit of news.
My four-legged blind friend died on July 3rd. He was staying with us from June 6th through July 6th. He had developed some more health issues in May. And they flared (plus more), beginning about the second week he was with us. His humans were unable to get back when he took a turn for the worse on the night of July 2; they were on a ship near Scotland. We communicated often. It was a hard decision for them to make while away, but I think they did the right thing. The dog's lifelong vet thought it was the compassionate thing to do. I thought so too.
I gently held my four-legged friend as his vet gently euthanized him. I'd never done that before, held a pet when they were euthanized. It was a tough day. But I was honored to be with him. Perhaps I'll post more about him later.
I'm honored that I got to share in some of his life. He saw me through some of my darkest hours. I loved him dearly and will miss him...
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You will always be in my heart. |