Abe

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Betrayal. Abandonment.

I don't think I can ever expect that people are able to live up to the promises of never betraying or never abandoning. I understand that a person may tell another they will never betray or abandon that person. I understand that the promise maker has every intention of living up to that promise and that they are sincere and that it is a noble and loving thing to do.

But the reality is, that given certain circumstances, an individual may not be able to live up to their promise.

Abandonment is betrayal, in a sense.

Death would be the ultimate abandonment. The loved one left to live, is left without. The abandonment may not have been intentional; death is typically out of one's own control. Still the one left living is left with an emptiness.

I don't know if a human being can live up to, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

For me, coming to the realization that, ultimately, a human being cannot guarantee that promise, brings with the realization a freedom.

But why?

What is that is liberated? Is it that I know I cannot depend on anyone to fulfill that for me and therefore I am free from living up to the same expectation for another? Hm. Is it that I no longer need to look to others expecting them to fill that need, that in a sense it is an unrealistic expectation?

I thought earlier today that the only one I want to expect to live up to the promise to never abandon or betray me is me. And if at times I find that I have abandoned my self, that I am able to recognize that, acknowledge it, forgive that part of me, and embrace my self again.

I hope that I am finally learning to not betray my self, and to not abandon it to someone else's silhouette.

As I met with Dr. McColloch yesterday, I asked if everyone has such a deep need to not be silenced? It is like air to me. I have a deep need to express, and to express out loud, in a sense. Like on this blog, not hidden in my journal.

We both laughed, because for years, I hid in my journal and Dr. McColloch was my soul audience. I'd go into his office, journal in tow, and I'd read bits and pieces of what I had written that week. He was my first publication, so to speak.

God, I loved my journals. They were my salvation for years. All that suppression that was bottled up came pouring onto paper. But only for my eyes...at least for about eightish years.

Abandon. Etymology. "A" means "at, to." "Bandon" means "power, jurisdiction." Etymologically, the word carries a sense of "put someone under someone else's control."

Wow. Interesting.

Betray. Etymology. From the Latin tradere "hand over," from trans- "across" + dare "to give." Hm. Similar to abandon in the sense of it is handing over, like giving someone else control.

I have two poems about "abandonment." They describe a part of me. A part of me that I named Abe.
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