The following was originally posted on a different blog as part of a series. The series remains incomplete.
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At times as I compose these memoir blog entries, I will review sections of my personal journals from that time period to help jog my memory on details of certain events. I find reviewing my journals a revealing exercise - to see my 'logic' and mindset at the time.
Before proceeding with more memoir blog entries, I've thought to post a few more journal entries from the months leading up to September, 2005, even as far back as August, 2004. A few of these are below. My ambivalence regarding The Way is apparent. I think it is also obvious (or will be) that my decision to leave The Way was a long, thought-through, and even planned exit.
I officially left The Way in October, 2005. Upcoming chapters will reveal what prompted that final decision, the proverbial straw on the camel's back. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.
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Friday, July 30, 2004. 2:15 pm at Borders.
As I think about it, cover-up is part of what the Ministry teaches. It is part of that pseudo-wisdom. I'm not stupid. Ministry leadership doesn't publicly admit mistakes, publicly or to its followers. As I grow I may have to confront that. Oh yuck.
Ministry leadership doesn't acknowledge mistakes. I'm not going to keep score, but I am going to be aware of it.
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Thursday, August 12, 2004. 4:15 pm at Borders.
A paragraph from the book, From Beirut to Jerusalem: "And so [...] the play went on: Palestinians talking to the world about resistance, even resisting individuality, but resigning themselves as a community to the Israeli system; Israeli's talking to the world about their 'enlightened' occupation, and then doing anything they had to do, behind closed doors, to keep the Palestinians quiet."
The above paragraph prompts thoughts of The Way in light of what I read on GreaseSpot.
"Palestinians talking to the world...." is like outties (folks who have left The Way and post on GreaseSpot) talking to the world.
"[...]But resigning themselves as a community to the Israeli system..." is like outties resigning themselves as a community to the world's system of blame.
"Israeli's talking to the world about their 'enlightened' occupation, and then doing anything they had to do, behind closed doors, to keep the Palestinians quiet," is like The Way and us followers talking to the Household and anyone who will listen about our 'enlightenment' in the Promised Land, and then leadership doing anything they have to do to keep the outties' voices quiet from us innies, from the faithful remnant.
I want to believe that The Way has changed, but I am not fully convinced. I don't know if the change is genuine or political. So I am sometimes disturbed that I continue to stand with The Way knowing what I know. Then I observe Sarah's positive response and light-heartedness to being at Headquarters for the Advanced Class, Jeffery's response to living at Headquarters, the Word taught in the Living God's Word as a Family class; and I think, "The Ministry is healthier."
The things I question are:
1) leadership not admitting when they make mistakes
2) the "original" sin teaching of the Adversary posing as a woman having lesbian sexual relations with Eve
3) penalizing Advanced Class graduates that have debt
4) the tithe teaching
5) exclusiveness with Way publications
6) suspicion of people and their motives
7) so-called wisdom and the lockbox.
I think followers should know about The Way's past. I do not agree with how the Ministry handles that aspect.
From the book From Beirut to Jerusalem (in light of how Israel dealt with the Holocaust until it was resurrected in 1961 with the trial of the Nazi war criminal, Adolf Otto Eichmann): "In those days we barely learned about the Holocaust in school. The feeling, the whole atmosphere, was that the future must triumph over the past. All of us, parents and kids, tried to cover up what had happened."
I read those sentences and think of The Way. It is like the past never happened. Something about that doesn't seem healthy to me.
But do I voice my concern? If so, how do I voice it?
Also, I think I no longer believe that The Way is the Household of God. I'm not sure what I believe is the Household.
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Monday, September 27, 2004. 1:00 pm at Borders.
I continue to awake with sadness each morning. I wish it were gone. Janet believes it can be healed, and I do too.
God, You know I want to do what is right. At least I think I do.
I have many doubts about The Way. I think much cover-up has gone on over the years. I sometimes feel that by continuing to attend Household Fellowship, I am participating in the cover-up. Sometimes I wish I had never gone to any anti-Way websites. Yet, that is where I learned about Mrs. Wierwille and about the Peeler case.
I thought the other day that if I were assigned to teach on tithing at Fellowship, that I would have to bypass that assignment because I no longer believe it is accurate. I think Christian Educational Services is putting out more accurate biblical information than is The Way. I really wonder if The Way will still be around in five years. It has been exclusive to its detriment.
I transfer some of my misgivings about The Way onto other organizations, like Reliv. I have to tell myself that I have nothing to hide with Reliv. I can't say that regarding The Way. The Way has a rotten track record.
Hmm, The Way has cleaned up in the past couple years. Except it has never fessed up, never opened its doors. So it's not clean. And if someone checks it out thoroughly, they probably wouldn't touch it.
It saddens my heart. It will take me time to work through this stuff.
I don't want to leave, mainly for my children's sakes. And The Way is clean now, as far as folks not participating in immoral behavior. As far as repentance for the past, I don't know. People's problems are not dealt with at the gut level. I speak in tongues and wonder, "How do I honestly and with integrity deal with these matters?"
It is in my best interests to stay away from anti-Way sites.
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