Instincts

I was thinking last night that perhaps I am "done." Perhaps I am done writing.

But what then would I do? I thought I had so much to write about. My doubts are currently high. Not that they were low before. I have continually struggled with the gremlins in my head telling me I make things up and questioning my motives as to why I write what I write.

A friend recently asked me my opinion of someone, someone in the counseling field - what I thought of the counselor's work with the limited reading and contact I had had with the counselor.

My response was, "Right now, I don't trust my judgement. I really can't answer the question."

Then I paused. I can share my experience, my impressions, at least what I thought my impressions were and are. So, that I did with the disclaimer of doubting my judgement.

I find myself again, back at the beginning, of learning to re-trust myself. Back at the beginning; but where is the beginning?

I first think of when I left The Way. Self-distrust is HUGE when leaving any sort of totalistic system. One has programmed themselves that the doctrine is above all, every action and thought must align with the doctrine.

But leaving The Way is not the beginning.

The beginning is from the womb, from the moment that first breath is taken. Another life forges the air, changing the world one more time. At that moment trust begins on many levels.

The babe, only by instinct, trusts that she needs to suck. She is born to trust the hand that holds her head, the arms that cradle her, the bassinet in which she lays. Regardless if those hands and arms and bassinet are worthy of trust, the babe has no choice.

The loving parent, by instinct and knowledge, must learn to trust themselves in making judgments for this new life. They may have a belief in trusting God as well, not to mention trusting the process of life. Then there are other caretakers in the babe's life; who can the parents trust with their most precious gift?

The babe will trust the parents regardless of the parent's care for her, for the babe is born to trust.

I wonder if I can trust the parent in me? Not the parent in me that has nurtured my now young adult children. But the parent in me that can nurture me.

I can choose to trust.

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Of Leaves, Squirrels, Dogs, and Dances

Gazing out my kitchen window
Change of seasons landed
Nature again makes her mark
She didn't ask my permission
She didn't scatter her leaves orderly
She allowed them to fall where they may
With great purpose she allowed it

The squirrel
All that matters to him is the next nut...
the next squirrel to chase around the tree.

The dog
All that matters to her is
the next two-legged creature that comes along
to caress and talk with her...
the next meal...
the next intruder.

The animals do not worry or engage in much ado
Aye...I do think the animals
in many ways are wiser than man.

What is their secret?
Simplicity and instinct

Oh humankind
Why have we allowed so much complexity, strife, unease
Where have our instincts gone
Who stole them
Why did we allow it

Perhaps if we jump off the "Jones" wheel
perhaps if we smile and touch again
perhaps if we quiet ourselves long enough to observe the animals,
even in the cities.

Perhaps we can again arrive at simplicity
arrive at instinct
arise each day with thankfulness in our hearts
a skip in our step.

Perhaps then life in all its richness
and oneness can be enjoyed
and we can bask in all the goodness
with which we are surrounded.

Will you join me?
Here...take my hand
Dance with me
Show me your steps
I'll show you mine
Together we can make our lives, our families, our world
A little better place


december, 2004
carol welch
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