Voices

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non-subject: Voices
AWW ~ march 28, 2012

I decided to check John Knapp - Johnny Profane's Facebook page again yesterday, March 27.

I forget now where I was at the time, but I had one of my crutches, due to a sprained ankle, under by left arm as I held my iPhone in my left hand. And then I fumbled my phone catching it with my left hand before the phone found its way out of my palm.

Just like two weeks ago on March 13 when I had checked Profane's Facebook page, my fumbling fingers, this time my left thumb, tapped my iPhone screen clicking Profane's "friend request" icon and appartently the "subscribe" icon on his Facebook Timeline.

Unlike two weeks ago, I didn't get frantic; I did feel sick to stomach. I was embarrassed.

I found the "cancel friend request" icon and clicked it. I found the "unsubscribe" icon and clicked it.

His Facebook notifications would show that I'd requested his friendship and that I'd cancelled the request. My request to "subscribe" and then "unsubscribe" would show up too.

Shit, I thought. I don't want him to think I'm stalking him. I don't want him to think I'm playing some sort of game.

I wasn't cyber-stalking or playing games; I was viewing his public Facebook page.

I could hear Knapp - Profane's voice in my head with angry conviciton, "See Carol, you are a cyber-stalker! This is proof!"

I could hear his voice condemning me, telling me just how despicable I am and that I should show remorse for the "irreparable damage" I had inflicted upon him in 2011.

On August 25, 2011, on his then non-profit website, on his Facebook page, on other peoples' Facebook pages, Knapp had posted: "...Today, because Carol’s cyberattacks, bullying, and defamation have not stopped—for over one year, mind you—I have reported the situation to the authorities and am seeking legal recourse for relief in the irreperable damage to my emotional well-being, family life, and professional career..."

I wasn't guilty of bullying or defamation. It's possible the posts on my blog and on the Modern Chat online discussion forum could be taken as "cyberattacks" if a person interprets someone telling their story an "attack." I seldom ever use that word, "attack." It's too alarmist for me. Besides, I doubt I'm significant enough to warrant an "attack."

Knapp's statement, "over one year, mind you," was a lie; I didn't bring Knapp's name public until the latter part of March, 2011. So it had been five months, not over a year.

Logically I knew I didn't cause irreparable damage to Knapp's life; Knapp did that. Yet still his accusations and the angry, rage-filled voice I hear behind them, haunt me at times.

As I stood this past Tuesday supported by the crutch under my left armpit and holding my iPhone in my left hand, my mind heard Knapp's different voices. The rage-filled voice. The victim voice. The authoritative adult voice. The counselor's voice. The understanding voice. The mocking voice. The critical voice. The "so-the-fuck-what" voice.

My heart felt a quiver of panic.

I asked myself, "Carol, what would you do if your fingers Facebook-fumbled on someone's Timeline other than Knapp's? How would you respond to you blunder?"

"I'd own up."

"So why not be Carol now. Don't let fear of this man cause you to behave in a way that isn't true to yourself."

I turned off the voices and sent Knapp - Profane a Facebook message:
"Friend request error, again. Sorry."
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