Finding a reason to stay around...

A head's up about the following: It is about suicidal ideation, something I am sometimes challenged with.

I have waffled whether or not to post this. And I may put it back in draft after posting it. It may be disturbing for some readers. It may also enlighten, giving a tiny glimpse, a surface view, of part of what goes through the psyche of the one entrenched in the throes of deep depression or anxiety, where life takes on the hue of hopelessness and one's self as worthless. These distortions loom large, and the afflicted feels the only escape is death.

I know what to do when these episodes descend. So I really don't want any "advice." And, I'm fine now. The episodes rarely happen these days; for that, I am grateful. But I'm not so naïve to think this darkness will not revisit. I'm glad I have a light.

On 11/11/18, three days after the recent episode, I wrote a poem.

On 11/14/18, almost a week after the episode, I wrote the following piece. At the end of it I include something I wrote on 11/08/18, the day of.

***

November 14, 2018

How much of my feeling of pointlessness is due to my illness?
How much is due to the changing seasons of life? Empty-nesting? Aging?
How much is due to our 24/7 news-on-screens that never shuts down?

In the airwaves all around us.
The fires.
The floods.
The mass shootings.
The tensions.
Trump's looming largeness.
And yet he is such a petty man.
Divisive rhetoric all around.

I feel I am not alone in this feeling of pointlessness.
My pointlessness is not all due to loss.

I endeavor to own my losses and to recognize just how good I have it.
Compared to most of the world.
And that I should be thankful.
I have food, every day.
Too much food.
I have clothing, every day.
I have shelter, every day.
I have transportation, every day.

Last week, when the suicidal ideation engulfed me
I hung on
I knew it would pass
But when it is present, the self feels totally without value
Utter worthlessness

Used to be, when the kids were young, and I would have engulfment episodes
I would think of the kids
That was my reason to keep living
I couldn't do that to my children - commit suicide
I just couldn't

My suicide plan then was foolproof. I don't like making messes that others have to clean up, so I would do myself in at the local lake. I'd drive to the lake with pistol beside me. Before getting out of the vehicle, I'd swallow the Xanax - however many pills were in the bottle. I'd then take the pistol, exit the van, and wade into the lake up to my armpits, keeping the pistol out of the water. I'd then wrap my lips around the barrel and pull the trigger. If the bullet didn't kill me, I'd have a back-up. I'd drown. And the fish could eat me. There'd be no physical mess. At least, not much.

But last week, as I battled thoughts of suicide, I knew I didn't have the energy to carry out that plan. Nor the physical strength to pull a trigger on a pistol. It'd just have to be Xanax and the bathtub. I wonder what the significance of drowning is?

Last week, as I thought about leaving this realm, my brain in a vice, my heart gouged with a gaping, empty hole, I wrote the following in my Sudoku puzzle book. Sudoku, one of my current go-to therapies.

I wrote:

11/08/18
...my note would say:
"I cannot continue in this non-existent existence. I'm sorry I didn't get the house cleaned. Here are all my passwords. Please keep in touch with each other and take care of the earth. If there's an afterlife, I'll see you there. I could have said goodbye directly before leaving, but it's just too painful. I'll miss my pets, and bike, and the woods."

And I think of my blind friend, the schnauzer. And when he looks at me, even though he cannot see me, his eyes say, "I love you so very much Carol."

I need to stay around, at least for him.

***

~my friend and I~
~the blind leading the crippled~

I believe...

Santa's deer appeared in our back yard on Christmas day, around 4:30 PM.

Rudolph was the only one missing...

Beyond the soap-pail....

This is a long, ridiculous tale. There is a flip side to it. Insights hopefully gained about myself and relationships, past and current. But I'm not sharing those, at least for now.

***

Early November, 2018.
I need some more Fido Fresh. That means I gotta place an order with the soap ladies. Do I even wanna do that? But it's the only place I can get Fido Fresh. I wonder if their customer service is any better? I wonder if they are still up and running since Hurricane Florence?

I check their website. It appears open for orders.

Just because the website appears like it's still taking orders, doesn't mean it's active. Better check Facebook.

I check their Facebook business page.

Okay. They are posting, so they must be up and running.


November 9, 2018
I'll place my order now to give it time in case they screw up again. I'll use Discover and not my Paypal balance. That way, if there's a problem it's easier to dispute. And I have until December 15 before my Discover payment is due. I'll order lots of Fido Fresh because if they screw up this time, I'm never ordering again. That will give me time to find an alternative for the Fido Fresh. I'll order some Christmas gifts too. November 9th will give plenty of time to get here by Christmas.

• November 9th. I place my order. Nine bottles of Fido Fresh plus some Christmas gifts. Total: $206.66 which includes tax.

I receive an automated receipt via email. It states that if they can't ship my order within 48 hours they'll contact me. And that when they ship it, they'll send me a tracking number. Neither of those statements are true; at least not for my last two orders in November, 2017, and June, 2018. I'd ordered one or two times prior to 2017 with no problems.

I immediately email the soap lady (with whom I'd had brief communication in July about my June order). I ask her to include the Bug Off soap that I never received from my June order, if they have it in stock. If they don't have it, just donate that money to a hurricane fund. It's only around $7.

I receive no response to my email.

I give the order until November 26th.

• November 26th. No order and no communication from the soap ladies. I call and leave a voice mail inquiring the status of the order. No response.

God. Here we go again. Same shit as the previous two orders. And no one has ever answered the phone when I've called. Always just goes to voicemail. And then no one calls back. At least I ordered early this time and used Discover.

• November 30th. I email inquiring status. No response.
• December 4th. Email again. This time I give a deadline: December 8th. I inform them that if I don't hear back or receive the order by then, I'll contact Discover to issue a dispute and that I'll probably not place any future orders. No response.
• December 5th. Leave another voicemail. Give them the December 8th deadline.
• December 8th. My deadline date. Finally, I hear from them for the first time since I placed my order on 11/09! An email sent at 7:27 AM. Soap lady apologizes for the delays. Says she and other soap lady are working and going to school and running the business. Says, "We do have your order ready to ship out this morning, including the Bug Off Soap. I will send you a tracking number as soon as I have one." She doesn't apologize for the non-communication.

Well that's fine and dandy. No excuse for the poor service. They shouldn't be running a business. Or should at least change their website: "Two to five week delivery time. Slow response to phone calls and emails." I've run a small business, and that with a serious, long-term illness. I know how hard it is. But I would never treat customers like this. I wonder if they do many mail orders? Or are they mainly doing shows? But they posted on Facebook at the end of November promoting their website. Am I the only one that has these problems with them?

Calm down Carol. You don't know what else is going in their lives. Just get this order. It's not worth belaboring over. You probably won't order in the future anyway.

• December 8th.I respond simply with, "Apology accepted. That's a lot on your plate. I look forward to getting the order."
• December 9th. 12:40 PM. Email asking if they were able to ship it 12/08 and inquiring the tracking number. No response.
• December 10th. 7:58 PM. Email again inquiring tracking number and what day they shipped it.
• December 11th. 8:17 AM: Receive an email response. "I have your tracking number. [the number]" No response to my question of when they shipped it.
• December 11th. 10:47 AM: Email again because tracking states that USPS is still waiting for the package so that USPS can ship it. Ask what day it was shipped and when I can expect it.
• December 11th. 7:32 PM: Email again, a copy and paste of the email I'd sent earlier in the day asking what day it was shipped and when I can expect it.
• December 12th. 8:52 AM: Soap lady responds that it was shipped on 12/11 and that I should receive it on 12/15. That if the USPS site doesn't update soon, she'll go to USPS and investigate.

So she didn't ship it 12/08. Hmmm...

• December 13th. 6:50 AM: Email again because USPS site still shows that USPS doesn't have the package. I let soap lady know that if it isn't in route or received by the time I have to pay my Discover, I'll probably dispute the charge. No response.

Did she really not ship it yet?! Is it possible the box got lost at the facility? What the hell?

• December 14th. I check the tracking status on the USPS site. It states USPS received the package for shipment in Wilmington from the vendor on 12/13 at 6:31PM, not 12/11 as I was told. First they told me 12/08. Then 12/11. The reality is 12/13. Tracking states the package is due for delivery on 12/17.

At this point I am, understandably beyond irritated. I'm trying to curb my pissery.

I know I told them if the package isn't "in route" I'd call Discover. But now, even if it's in route and if I don't get it by 12/15 when my Discover is due...I'll have to dispute the charge. Who knows if the order will be correct after all this?

I sign up for USPS Informed Delivery Service which means I'll get an email, a daily digest, of what mail I'm receiving each day and what packages are in route. Envelopes are scanned, so pictures come through of them. No scanned pictures of packages. But the daily digest emails provide tracking numbers for any packages. I have until December 15th at 5:00 PM to pay my Discover card.

• December 15th. Early morning. USPS tracking has updated stating that the package will arrive on 12/15, instead of 12/17 as previously stated.
• December 15th. 7:30ish AM. Package arrives. One box only containing only the nine bottles of Fido Fresh and two Soap on the Run. The order is missing nine other items that I had ordered as Christmas gifts.

I shake my head. Unbelievable.

• December 15th. I contact Discover disputing the part of the order that is missing and outlining what has happened with this order, and my two previous orders. This is the third time I've had issues. I specifically ask for a refund of the missing products, that I do not want the products now. Total refund due, $83.48. I do not contact the soap ladies because of their pattern of non-responses. Discover says that's fine, that they will be notifying the vendor.

This is crazy. Soap ladies oughtta pay me for all my work and aggravation in baby sitting this order.

• December 17th. Wee morning hours. I receive two emails from Paypal. One, that Paypal received a dispute from my Discover. And two, that I now have to go through a two-step process to use my Paypal account.

Damn it. Though I get it, for security reasons. Still I'm the one now paying a 'penalty.' This whole thing is ludicrous. Over soap!

• December 17th. Early AM. I hunt for 15 minutes on the Paypal site to figure out how to email them. Then I discover I can only use so many characters. So I painstakingly revise my timeline of problems I've had with this vendor so it fits within the character limit and still makes some sense. Even though I don't have to respond to Paypal, I feel I should let them know what happened, especially if they have received other complaints. I do not outline the problems from the previous 2 orders but do mention them.
• December 17th. 6:27 AM. I receive an email from the soap lady. "I see that you disputed part of your order with PayPal. What happened? You should have received 2 boxes, one with the Fido Fresh and another with everything else. Did you not get them both? Or were you not happy with some of it? I know I have struggled getting your order to you, but I will resend anything you didn't receive or that wasn't correct today if you let me know."

She didn't send two boxes. There'd be two tracking numbers! Did she send the other box to a wrong address? Is she just lying all the time? Repeated errors due to fatigue or some sort of cognitive dysfunction? What the hell? How are they still in business?

I calm myself to compose an email.

• December 17th. 8:53 AM. I email a response. Second paragraph, third and fourth sentences state, "Do not send the other items. Please issue the requested refund." I then directly spell out my complaints about their service, giving a measured response but at the same time hopefully conveying my dissatisfaction. I include a timeline of the problems with this order and two other timelines with the problems from the two previous orders. I inform her I'll not be ordering in the future. No response.
• December 18th. I receive the damn daily digest from USPS. It states I have a package on the way from Wilmington that was shipped on 12/17 at 5:31 PM. Should arrive on December 20th.

WTF!?! You're kidding me!! My god! I can't believe this! Does she do this because she gets her jollies out of pissing others off? WTF!?!

I'm livid. I go back and reread my email that I sent on 12/17. It's clear as can be. "Do not send the other items. Please issue the requested refund."

Carol, calm down. It's only $83. And maybe the package isn't from the soap ladies. Maybe it's that book from the UK that was shipped on December 14th. Maybe it came into port at Wilmington.

I compose an email. It's obvious I'm livid, if that package is from them. I revise the email multiple times. I do not send it. I try not to think about this whole scenario. But that's impossible.

If that package is from them..... Geez. Grrrrrrr.

• December 20th 6:15 PM. I arrive home. Awaiting me is the package from Wilmington. The return address contains no name. The previous shipment contained their business name. And this label is handwritten. The previous label was computer generated. I pull out the box from the previous shipment to compare return addresses. Same address. I do not open the package.

I'm livid times four.

• December 20th. 6:35 PM. I call the soap ladies and leave a voicemail expressing, in no uncertain terms, my lividity. I let them know I'm refusing the shipment. That I can't believe their total disregard to my instructions in my email to not ship the items, to issue the refund instead. That now I have to take the damn package to the post office, with my walker because I'm disabled, in the rain, at Christmastime! That the decent thing to do would be to refund me the whole $206 for all my aggravation. That I've already bought other Christmas gifts to replace the items. Plus, I wouldn't give their products as gifts to anyone because their name and website are on the products and this is the worst customer service I've ever experienced. I remind them of when I placed this order and that no one responded and that I was given two different dates when the order was shipped and both were wrong. I end it, "Bye!"

This is almost unbelievable, except that it seems like their standard mode of operation. This whole thing has been exhausting. Over soap! And now a measly $83! There's too much toxicity associated with this box. I just want it out of here, and I want nothing to do with these ladies ever again.

But...I'll still use the Fido Fresh until I run out. Not sure what I'll do with the few soap bars I've got in stock from previous orders.

• December 20th. 7:20 PM. I call Discover and talk to a rep updating what has happened. The rep walks me through how to upload documents on the dispute on the Discover website. I put together documents and upload them. I finish up around 9:00 PM.

I unsubscribe from USPS Informed Delivery daily digest. I really don't like knowing what's coming in my mail.

November, 2018: Pedal Carol Pedal

Listed below are my first and last log entries of my November, 2018, rides. This same post, with the entire log and a few more pictures, can be viewed at my cycling blog.

~*~

Daylight savings time ended November 4. So, try as I might, I haven't been able to always finish my rides before sunset. And I'm glad.

The night rides have been magical, especially the two on the New River Trail. There's a feeling of wildness, of freedom, to be in the woods at night with no people around. Just the trees and the trail and the wind. The sky and the stars and the moon. The river and deer and rocky cliffs. And knowing that other critters are watching a two-legged on two wheels roll through the darkness.

Even though I received my (23rd) epidural on October 29, I've had a rougher-than-normal-rough November; first and foremost physically, which contributed to the mental and emotional hardships.

The difficulty-increase was due to a few factors. Two of those are:
1) my 10/29 epidural didn't work as well as I was hoping/anticipating.
2) the weather has moved into her cold season, along with less sunlight and (this year) more precipitation.

In spite of the added difficulty, I have continued to cycle. The extra effort it takes to prepare (such as added layers of clothing) makes it more challenging. What motivates me is the joy of the ride, knowing the freedom and relief and high that arrive at some point during the ride; at least most of the time. To be able to move my body at a good pace and without having to contemplate simple movements, such as putting on socks, is freedom to my soul.

Hubby John set up my indoor trainer. It's my best indoor cycling experience yet! A couple years ago, I rode John's bike set up on a different trainer. I didn't like it, but endured. Last year I joined the YWCA. That worked okay, but it took a lot of effort to get there and then clean up afterward. So, this year, I have a new trainer that was gifted me by my neighbor. And, since I now have a 2nd bike, Bleu, my beloved bike, Olivia, is on the trainer. And I've learned how to play YouTube videos on the TV. Me likes! I'm hooked on Ryan Duzer's videos.

The links in my log below connect to corresponding tweets about the ride.
"Putw" means the link is to my public Twitter account.
"Prtw," to my private account.

~*~

Total November miles = 176.

First Entry:
• November 4 (putw) & (prtw): 24.2 mi. Solo w/Bleu. New River Trail in Virginia. Foster Falls->Allisonia->Foster Falls. 1st section of my 6th thru-bike on the NRT. Didn't want the day to end. Daylight savings ended today, so I rode in the dark the last 2-3 miles. 6 deer, 4 different spots. 1 ran in front of me, like an escort, for maybe .2 mile. She'd stop & look back at me. Her white tail was like a pendulum. It shone in the dusk of evening. 2 crossed in front of me. Flock of robins - I guess 40 to 50. Geese in the river - heard but didn't see. White bird in the woods. A cat, on the trail, in the dusk, hunkered & watchful as I pedaled by. Met 2 couples. 1 from Columbus, OH. The other from Charlottesville/Blacksburg, VA - the guy had a 1990s Trek!! It was purple. On the drive up, in Tobaccoville, I called 911 twice. A man in a van following a teenage girl who was walking. Stopping and talking to her through his van window. She was silent, determined, walking. Probably Daughter-Dad thing going on, but who knows?

• (Click here to view the middle entries).

Last Entry:
• November 29 (prtw): 17.7 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Muddy Creek Greenway. Winston-Salem, NC. Was gonna ride inside, but then the temperature reached 50F. Hit the greenway 3:30ish & rode into sunset as the temp dropped. So glad I weathered it. Saw Josh & Aaron throwing football at Jamieson Park. That was fun. Rode the hill 2x. Got a text from Drake Passage this morning. From friends on the National Geographic ship, Explorer, on their way to Antarctica. That is way cool...!!

~Indoor trainer with Olivia~

~Moon over Hiwassee Bridge. Bleu leans~

~New River Trail. 11/19/18~

~Bleu. Birds. Moon~
~Mt. Airy Greenway. 11/21/18~

~Greenway courtesy. Bleu leans~

~Mt. Airy, NC. 11-25-18~