From my journal.
Wednesday, June 19, 2019.
4:55 PM.
Mizu Japanese Restaurant on Robinhood.
Writing workshop is tonight, and I have nothing ready to read, though I have written multiple times. But to read one of my journal entries from the past week would sound like gibberish, would it not? Snippets of various thoughts and feelings. Meandering and pondering about stuff that is indecisive. Some of which I even feel shame over.
But when I think of how stupid and unintelligent I might sound, I think of Trump. And then I think, "I don't sound that stupid."
I struggle almost daily, or at least it feels like almost daily, and if not almost daily, it is more often than not - that I struggle with being comfortable in my own skin. At least when I have to interact with people.
I sit here at a table in Mizu Restaurant. It is too early for supper guests. I am the only patron at the moment. I have finished my meal and put my leftovers in one of my reusable to-go containers that I carry with me in Edward the Explorer. My little contribution to help reduce non-rottables in the landfills.
At the Sushi bar, located not far from my table, sit six employees. All Asian, four females and two males. They are speaking, what I assume is, Japanese. A lively conversation with laughter. Two of the ladies are rolling silverware into cloth napkins. One male Sushi chef is standing behind the bar, quiet and listening with a slight smile across his face. All look to be in their 20s or maybe early 30s, except one female who I'd guess is about 10 years older. But I really suck at age-guessing.
No one is looking at a cell phone. They are conversing, communicating in oral words with inflection and tone. It's like a song, but not a song. I have no idea what they are saying, but it is refreshing.
I am in the minority at the moment. A Caucasian, monolingual female, sipping green tea. The conversation of this majority relaxes me.
June 19, 2019
June 4, 2019
Round #25: 4/18/19 - 7/16/19
I received my routine, cervical spine, trigger-point, steroid injections yesterday. Nine pokes at the base of my neck.
In my case my neck shots are not, and have never been, only for neck symptoms. The shots work systemically and address the inflammation at my nerve roots at my cervical spine area. They also give me a steroid boost so that I don't have to take as much oral prednisone between my every-12 week, lumbar, steroid epidurals. Injectable steroids have less side effects than oral.
From 2014 into 2017, I received neck injections every six weeks. I began to see marked improvement in 2017, after getting my metal-leaching hip implant replaced in 2016, and I was able to expand that timeframe from every six weeks to every twelve weeks.
I'm grateful that both the pain and weakness in my neck area have pretty much disappeared since my cobalt and chromium metal levels have come down. I don't know how many rounds of neck injections I've received since I started getting them in 2014; I haven't kept count like I have with my epidurals.
I began getting epidurals in December 2013. After receiving three within twenty-four weeks, I had to switch to getting one every twelve weeks because medically that's all that is allowed on a long term basis. On April 18, 2019, I received my twenty-fifth epidural.
Neither my neck injections nor my epidurals render me fully functional, but they temper the symptoms. I can think more clearly. I'm not as weak or as fatigued or as slow. My low-level, ubiquitous pain is relieved. Inflammation is calmed.
After injections (both neck and epidural) and before relief manifests, I feel strange sensations in my limbs. I guess the best way I can describe it is...a letting-down. Which brings to mind breastfeeding and the let-down sensation that happens when the milk flows from the breast. And that is how it kind of feels in my limbs, which makes sense when I think about it.
The breast is swollen with fluid, milk; and then the milk flows relieving the swell. Nutrients are then received by the infant. My nerve roots are swollen, clogged with nerve juice. Then the nerve juices flow freely relieving the swell. And my limbs get fed. The let-down sensation in my limbs lasts a day or two and is not as pronounced as it once was when my symptoms were worse. Worse is an understatement; for a few years they were terrifying.
I always lose weight the day after I get an epidural. Used to be, I'd lose 3 to 6 pounds, in one day. Now it's 2 to 3 pounds. My neurologist said that's not typical, but it is for me. Must be that the inflammation comes from extra fluid as my body tries to cope or address a perceived or real invader. Even though my blood work shows the cobalt and chromium levels are now normal, they may still be active, real invaders. There may be higher-than-normal stores in my tissues that don't register in the blood work. I don't know where that extra fluid goes after an epidural. But I lose weight and I feel smaller, until I gain it back as the weeks move along.
Below is my "trail guide" for this Round #25, which began on April 18. However, the end of this round may not culminate with an epidural. If I feel I'm ready to give it a try, instead of an epidural, I may get trigger-point injections in my lumbar region. They would be less invasive and less expensive than an epidural. Dr. Neurologist said to just let him know what I'd like to do when I get to my appointment. If I opt for the trigger-point experiment, and I don't get enough relief, I can get an epidural four weeks later.
I feel I tried to handle too much since I received my epidural on April 18, and even before that beginning in February. It's a constant balance: Do I push? Do I rest? Sometimes resting isn't restful, so I push.
Which brings to mind the weather and the moon and the ebb and flow of ocean waves. One learns to ride the waves and the storms. One learns to allow the waves to buoy the body. And humans have even walked on the moon. Trust is a crucial factor.
~*~
I received my 25th epidural on Thursday, April 18, 2019.
I'll receive my 26th on Tuesday, July 16, OR will try the trigger-point experiment.
Trail Guide. Round #25
April 18, 2019 thru July 16, 2019
Just as others go to work at jobs, my job & work is selfcare.
Due to only so much time & energy in a day, a job limits one's activities outside of the job.
My job is no exception. I have to go to my job.
I do not have to explain to anyone my lack of commitment to activities outside of my job.
Selfcare isn't selfish. With selfcare I am caring for others.
Stay open.
Sing out loud...
With the rocks & trees & wind & clouds...
Attune to their responses...
Gratitude.
Pace. Pace. Pace.
Stretch. Bike.
Water. Wood.
Rainbows 'round my room.
Acknowledge "little" daily accomplishments.
Have reasonable expectations.
Within that context ask myself, "What can I do today to help alleviate suffering in the world?"
Countdown:
Pre-week: completed Th, 4/25/19.
Week 1: Completed M, 4/29/19: easy does it
Week 2: Completed M, 5/06/19 (FL: 5/03-5/11)
Week 3: Completed M, 5/13/19 (Sophie: 5/17-5/18)
Week 4: Completed M, 5/20/19: easy does it (Annie & Massage: 5/21. AWW-1: 5/22)
Week 5: Completed M, 5/27/19: easy does it X2 (AWW-2: 5/29)
Week 6 (Reality is Week 6-1/2): Completed M, 6/03/19: easy does it X3
Week 8: Completed M, 6/17/19
Week 9: Completed M, 6/24/19: easy does it
Week 11: Completed M, 7/08/19: easy does it X3 (Oliver & crew: 7/06-7/12)
Week 12: Completed M, 7/15/19: easy does it X4
Signed: me, ceo ~ cyclist. explorer. overcomer.~
~*~
In my case my neck shots are not, and have never been, only for neck symptoms. The shots work systemically and address the inflammation at my nerve roots at my cervical spine area. They also give me a steroid boost so that I don't have to take as much oral prednisone between my every-12 week, lumbar, steroid epidurals. Injectable steroids have less side effects than oral.
From 2014 into 2017, I received neck injections every six weeks. I began to see marked improvement in 2017, after getting my metal-leaching hip implant replaced in 2016, and I was able to expand that timeframe from every six weeks to every twelve weeks.
I'm grateful that both the pain and weakness in my neck area have pretty much disappeared since my cobalt and chromium metal levels have come down. I don't know how many rounds of neck injections I've received since I started getting them in 2014; I haven't kept count like I have with my epidurals.
I began getting epidurals in December 2013. After receiving three within twenty-four weeks, I had to switch to getting one every twelve weeks because medically that's all that is allowed on a long term basis. On April 18, 2019, I received my twenty-fifth epidural.
Neither my neck injections nor my epidurals render me fully functional, but they temper the symptoms. I can think more clearly. I'm not as weak or as fatigued or as slow. My low-level, ubiquitous pain is relieved. Inflammation is calmed.
After injections (both neck and epidural) and before relief manifests, I feel strange sensations in my limbs. I guess the best way I can describe it is...a letting-down. Which brings to mind breastfeeding and the let-down sensation that happens when the milk flows from the breast. And that is how it kind of feels in my limbs, which makes sense when I think about it.
The breast is swollen with fluid, milk; and then the milk flows relieving the swell. Nutrients are then received by the infant. My nerve roots are swollen, clogged with nerve juice. Then the nerve juices flow freely relieving the swell. And my limbs get fed. The let-down sensation in my limbs lasts a day or two and is not as pronounced as it once was when my symptoms were worse. Worse is an understatement; for a few years they were terrifying.
I always lose weight the day after I get an epidural. Used to be, I'd lose 3 to 6 pounds, in one day. Now it's 2 to 3 pounds. My neurologist said that's not typical, but it is for me. Must be that the inflammation comes from extra fluid as my body tries to cope or address a perceived or real invader. Even though my blood work shows the cobalt and chromium levels are now normal, they may still be active, real invaders. There may be higher-than-normal stores in my tissues that don't register in the blood work. I don't know where that extra fluid goes after an epidural. But I lose weight and I feel smaller, until I gain it back as the weeks move along.
Below is my "trail guide" for this Round #25, which began on April 18. However, the end of this round may not culminate with an epidural. If I feel I'm ready to give it a try, instead of an epidural, I may get trigger-point injections in my lumbar region. They would be less invasive and less expensive than an epidural. Dr. Neurologist said to just let him know what I'd like to do when I get to my appointment. If I opt for the trigger-point experiment, and I don't get enough relief, I can get an epidural four weeks later.
I feel I tried to handle too much since I received my epidural on April 18, and even before that beginning in February. It's a constant balance: Do I push? Do I rest? Sometimes resting isn't restful, so I push.
Which brings to mind the weather and the moon and the ebb and flow of ocean waves. One learns to ride the waves and the storms. One learns to allow the waves to buoy the body. And humans have even walked on the moon. Trust is a crucial factor.
~*~
I received my 25th epidural on Thursday, April 18, 2019.
I'll receive my 26th on Tuesday, July 16, OR will try the trigger-point experiment.
Trail Guide. Round #25
April 18, 2019 thru July 16, 2019
Just as others go to work at jobs, my job & work is selfcare.
Due to only so much time & energy in a day, a job limits one's activities outside of the job.
My job is no exception. I have to go to my job.
I do not have to explain to anyone my lack of commitment to activities outside of my job.
Selfcare isn't selfish. With selfcare I am caring for others.
Stay open.
Sing out loud...
With the rocks & trees & wind & clouds...
Attune to their responses...
Gratitude.
Pace. Pace. Pace.
Stretch. Bike.
Water. Wood.
Rainbows 'round my room.
Acknowledge "little" daily accomplishments.
Have reasonable expectations.
Within that context ask myself, "What can I do today to help alleviate suffering in the world?"
Countdown:
Pre-week: completed Th, 4/25/19.
Week 1: Completed M, 4/29/19: easy does it
Week 2: Completed M, 5/06/19 (FL: 5/03-5/11)
Week 3: Completed M, 5/13/19 (Sophie: 5/17-5/18)
Week 4: Completed M, 5/20/19: easy does it (Annie & Massage: 5/21. AWW-1: 5/22)
Week 5: Completed M, 5/27/19: easy does it X2 (AWW-2: 5/29)
Week 6 (Reality is Week 6-1/2): Completed M, 6/03/19: easy does it X3
(Neck shots. Willis: 6/01-6/09. AWW-3: 6/05.)
Week 7: Completed M, 6/10/19 (Dieter: 6/06-7/06. AWW-4: 6/12.)Week 8: Completed M, 6/17/19
(Dieter groom & Annie: 6/18. Dieter: 6/06-7/06. AWW-5: 6/19.)
Week 9: Completed M, 6/24/19: easy does it
(Eli: 6/22-6/23. Massage: 6/24. Dieter: 6/06-7/06)
Week 10: Completed M, 7/01/19: easy does it X2 (Dieter: 6/06-7/06)Week 11: Completed M, 7/08/19: easy does it X3 (Oliver & crew: 7/06-7/12)
Week 12: Completed M, 7/15/19: easy does it X4
(7/16: Epidural #26 OR trigger-point experiment.)
Signed: me, ceo ~ cyclist. explorer. overcomer.~
~*~
