Everydayness...

I have shared a plethora of blog posts about the evolving/devolving navigation of life with polyradiculitis...

But even in that plethora, there is much that is not shared...

I have shared few posts about the insomnia...

However, I wrote a series on my poetry blog during the time of the chronic insomnia...

An insomnia which led to sleep deprivation...

And now it is time for the following to come forward...

I no longer want to hide...

So, I am putting this out into the field...

I am thankful for my husband and children and granddaughter, my few close friends, my trusted medical and wellness team, and Earth's wildlife and non-human creatures who have continually come to my aide through the decades...

~*~

12/08/2025

Yesterday I asked myself, "Carol, what are your triggers?"

And I answered, "What do you mean 'triggers?' "

"Circumstances, internal and/or external, which prompt a response of vigilance, on-guardness, protectionism, avoidance, self-judgement, and fill-in-the blank."

If left unchecked, these can then manifest in biological symptoms such as pain, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and blank-in-the-feel.

Then an insightful answer appeared.

"Each day as I open my eyes to greet the day, I am triggered. Wow..."

Why?

Because I don't know from day-to-day where I will land on the symptom-severity scale. 

And the factor that I navigate mostly alone makes it feel harder most times. I am physically alone most of the time as I daily navigate (on a continuum) fatigue, brain-stupor, physical weakness and pain, and more; and the mundane tasks of being my own caregiver.

Waking up for the day triggers me.

Who will I be today? 

What will I have to navigate?  

This is hard to admit, but it's true. 

But again, "Why does greeting each day trigger me?"

It's the unknown factor, the uncertainty, of whether or not and how much I can trust my own body and brain to function on any given day...

And you know what?

Every human lives in the unknown.

None of us know what will meet us on any given day.

Yes, we have expectations and routines and goals and tasks.

But still, the next 24 hours is unknown.

The next second is unknown, at least while living here in this earthly plane. 

Dad didn't wake up one morning and have the goal of becoming a quadriplegic that afternoon.

I didn't wake up over 14 years ago with the goal of losing normal function in all my limbs and extremities.

I didn't go to my beloved Roan Mountain for a few days with the goal of my ex-mental health therapist trying to assassinate my character with outright lies in at least a dozen public posts.

And the list goes on...

For each of us...

But Carol, you don't have a job or work outside your self-care. 

This is hard to admit, but it's true. 

And yet I know I'm not alone in navigating (have I used that word enough?) this kind of life.

I have found comfort in others' stories who live with disability and are so very limited to partake in the physical tasks of living.

Such as cooking, cleaning, errand-running, yard work, decorating one's home during the holidays, shopping, walking the dog, helping others with physical and other needs, sending cards, and so forth.

But I do have routines in my self-care, and I do have purpose as long as I can continue to accept and embrace that this is my job. 

And it is a hard job.

It's not one I would have chosen, but it is the one that has fallen to me.

So, in that sense, I'm just like able-bodied folks that have jobs or work of serving others.

I continually tell my self that my self-care is serving others...

And this too, is true...

~*~

Three days later, on 12/11/2025... 

I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...

Water is a big part of the couple exit-life plans I've come up with...

Water will finish the deed so that no breath is left...

I turn the knob with feelings of utter worthlessness, shame, no value...

Of no light at the end of this dark, endless tunnel...

Feeling so alone and that I am only a burden to my family and beyond...

The pills, over 40 per day...

Just one unrelenting circumstance that I navigate...

But it won't take 40 for this deed...

I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...

And a thought clearly emerges...

If Hawk is here, I'll not do it...

I turn off the knob and the flow ceases...

I walk to the bathroom window...

I peer into our big backyard...

There, regal and faithful...

Hawk, my companion...

I call Hubby...

~*~

Over 40 pills a day... 

I post this with some hesitancy...

But I'm so tired of hiding...

Perhaps by releasing this, I will receive something of substance...

Perhaps any passersby who suffer similar will feel seen, less alone...

I list the targeted reason for the supplements, but they also provide other systemic benefits.

I have to take multiples of many of the same pill; for example, I take 4 Omega-3s a day. 

Thus, the following listed pills add up to over 40....

It starts when I arise from bed. I swallow Bromelain, an enzyme which must be taken on an empty stomach for its anti-inflammatory effects.

An hour-or-so later after I invert on my inversion table, I swallow Iron caplets which must be taken away from other mineral supplements. I combine it with Quercetin with Vitamin C to aid the Iron absorption and for inflammation. I swallow SAM-e for pain and depression. 

Then I exercise. 

Thirtyish  minutes later: Digestive enzyme; two Charlottes Web CBD gummies and sublingual liquid extract for inflammation and recovery and nerve health; and Sublingual B-12 for nerve health.

I eat a little, breaking my fast of 16 to 17 hours, and then swallow the first round of mixed pills. 

5 milligrams of Prednisone which I've been on since July 2011 but is reduced from the 1000s of milligrams of injectable steroids that I received throughout each year from 2014 into mid-2022. Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter a steroid side-effect. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium to help counter the steroid side effect of bone loss. Monolaurin to help counter Epstein-Barr. Garlic to help counter the candida side effect of steroids. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity. 

Part of my breakfast consists of powdered food supplements stirred into Coconut Water with added Tart Cherry juice concentrate. Coconut Water provides potassium to help with my leg cramps; Tart Cherry juice addresses inflammation. I stir into it 6 different powders: one targets osteoarthritis; one provides a Multivitamin, but I drink a kid's version with lower B-6 levels because my body doesn't metabolism B-6 properly; an Electrolyte to help with proper absorption; Curcumin/Turmeric for inflammation; Lion's Mane for nerve health; and Fiber which helps with cholesterol. I add another powder to my morning cereal; it targets blood sugar levels to help counter the diabetes side-effect of steroids. I also swallow MCT oil for brain and inflammation; and liquid CoQ10 for heart, brain, and fatigue.

Mid-afternoon, I swallow NAC and the mineral supplement of Strontium. Strontium needs to be taken away from other minerals; it helps counter the steroid side-effect of bone loss. NAC helps the body and the liver with detox; I used to take it at bedtime until after the chronic insomnia onset in April 2022.

Before my evening meal, I swallow another digestive enzyme. After eating I swallow the next round of mixed pills. 

Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter the heart-steroid side-effect. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium to help counter the steroid side-effect of bone loss. Vitamin D3 for my bones. Garlic with Curcumin to help counter the candida side-effect of steroids and to address inflammation. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity. A Mushroom mix for immunity. Lysine to help counter shingles and herpes simplex virus. Probiotics to help counter the candida side-effect of steroids. 

I can hear the critics now...

And to them I say, "Come live with polyradiculitis and all its repercussions, not to mention the other traumas I've survived. Then your criticism or critique might hold some weight.  I don't like taking all this. But I humbly state that it has paid off in that I am not in a nursing home; my bone density is holding steady; my blood pressure and heart specs are in normal ranges; I don't have diabetes; I seldom get 'sick;' and fill-in-the-blank. Does that mean I will never develop any of those abnormalities? No. But I will do what I am able to help mitigate them, if I can."

Then there is bedtime. 

I begin this routine 1-1/2 hours before I lie down for the night. Two Charlotte's Web gummies and sublingual extract for inflammation; then I laser my brain for sleep. 

Then, I swallow a teaspoon of coconut oil and swallow magnesium supplements for sleep, and I take two THC gummies for sleep; then I again laser my brain for sleep. 

Next, I drink powdered herbs in water -- herbs combined specifically for me by my herbalist -- for inflammation and sleep.  

Then I carry in my little cloth bag, that my daughter sewed for some project when she was young, upstairs which contains my 2nd-shift sleep herbs, 2nd-shift THC gummy, and two Charlotte's Web Stay Asleep gummies. I arrange the containers on my dresser with a coffee cup half-filled with water and a glass of water each on its own hand-embroidered coaster from a village in China, a gift from a friend who lived in the village for a number of years.

Then I load my dry, no-oil, vape device with cannabis and carry it and my sleep-pharmaceuticals (of which 2 have to be cut in half which I prepare in the morning) downstairs to the living room. 

While I vape, I play Sudoku; fill in my columned chart for the day; maybe draw or color or journal or read; heat some rice socks which I use on my hands and legs and back; and then lie on the couch while using a foam roller on my left thigh. Depending on how and what I feel I might channel surf on the TV landing on a comedy or a show of interest. I also lie in silence as I allow my thoughts to free float. 

During the last 45-to-60 minutes of the 1-1/2-hour routine, I take three different pharmaceuticals, spacing between each one. 50 milligrams of Seroquel, down from the 300 milligrams which began in August 2023. Then, after 15 or so minutes, I swallow .25 milligram of Xanax which I began around July 2023. Then after another 15ish minutes, 5 milligrams of Dayvigo, down from 10 milligrams which I began in July 2023. 

When it's time, I carefully make my way up the 7-step wooden staircase, climb into the king-size bed where hubby is already sleeping, adjust my various kinds of pillows, arrange my body under my multiple blankets, and finally fall asleep to arise sometime later in the dark hours when I drink my 2nd-shift combined-for-me herbs and chew my three 2nd-shift gummies. Usually I can fall back under, but sometimes not. 

Again, I can hear the critics, and I respond...

"We tried probably all the natural means for me to be able to fall under. We tried supplements, homeopathy, various herb combinations, acupuncture, unplugging electronics in the bedroom, weighted blanket and then other blankets, turning the air down to 68 degrees F, prayer, affirmations, meditations (which actually saved me through the 14 months of chronic insomnia that ended up in a really bad case of sleep deprivation), mental health counseling, counsel from a sleep neurologist, exercise, and more. And we tried other pharmaceuticals. We finally landed on the combination above. And I do sleep now, but there are side effects to all these drugs. However, the benefits of being able to sleep outweigh the risks of the side effects.

And to any critics and judgers I ask, "Have you ever lived with sleep deprivation; and I mean real sleep deprivation? The paranoia, suicidal kind? Of all the traumas I've experienced in my life, sleep deprivation has been the most terrifying."

I state that even compared to the 4-day nightmare with datura stramonium at age 14, except I didn't hallucinate during the 2023 sleep deprivation.

I state that even compared to the chronic and relentless, suffocating like one is drowning-in-their-own fluid asthma attacks that erupted most every day/night for over 15 years.

Effects of a hallucinogen wear off.

My asthma attacks would typically subside  after two to three hours, giving me a break until the next one growled and pounced. 

But wondering if you'll ever be able to sleep again? 

A different kind of torture...

~*~

So, there you have it... 

A snippet of my daily, self-care, maintenance regimen... 

And that is just my daily pharmaceuticals and herbs and supplements, and part of my sleep routine... 

~*~

Quack: Projection or Pattern Recognition?

I don't exactly recall when I first wondered, Why does Trump outright lie about the obvious?

(Currently the "obvious" are statements about the economy doing better, how grocery prices are lower, how the USA is respected again around the world, how gas prices are down to $2.00 a gallon, and so forth...)

The knee-jerk response to my question could be, "Because he's a sociopath, a malignant narcissist, a conman, a gaslighter, and ..." 

But that still doesn't answer my question. 

Perhaps it'd be better phrased, "What advantage is there to outright lying when a person/people are outright experiencing the opposite of that which the liar proclaims?" 

The Way taught, "Confession of receipt yields receipt of confession," which means to speak into realty that which hasn't yet manifested. And also, to build one's believing so that the manifestation can happen.

Trump grew up attending Norman Vincent Peale's church. Peale taught similar to what The Way taught/teaches regarding this formula. This manifestation doctrine has been labeled the "health-and-wealth gospel."

Ah, maybe that's it. Trump maybe does believe that if he speaks something that isn't as if it is, in due time, what he speaks will manifest. 

*~*

In addition to the Jeffrey Epstein fiasco, I've been keeping an eye on the recent online feud between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald J. Trump.

What I see in Trump's responses is someone who is hiding or protecting something or someone. In his responses I see someone who is (or at least may be) guilty of the thing(s) of which he is accused and/or of the very things of which he accuses others. 

I witnessed this type of behavior in The Way and in the anti-cult movement and (more up close and personal) with John M. Knapp, formerly LMSW... 

Name calling, the perp making him/herself into a victim, deflection, threats, false accusations against those who are calling out the aggressor, outright lies to prop up just how righteous the perp is, flamboyant theatre as a way for the perp to present him/herself as someone who thinks outside the box and is taking a stand for truth in a clever way...

~*~

When The Way was unraveling in the latter 1980s and then again in the latter 1990s (corresponding with two big Way-believer exoduses), Hubby and I considered and discussed what we had heard and read. Each time we made, what we considered at the time, an informed decision to continue with The Way through both those exoduses. One of our concluding reasons to stay was, "There's nothing else better out there..." 

I've heard and read folks state regarding Trump, "Well, it's still better than Biden or Kamala." That statement kind of reminds me of us deciding there was nothing better outside the household of The Way. But how can one know if there's anything better if they don't look around and check out what else is out there? And how can one know that things would be worse under Kamala? 

[BTW, a bottom-line reason I voted for Harris (and either not vote or vote for a third-party candidate whom I figured would lose) was because I'd rather navigate the censorship of the Left than what I saw coming as the censorship of MAGA.]

As far as the sexual-abuse accusations against Wierwille (the founder and first president of The Way) and other top leadership in The Way, Hubby and I believed devil spirits were at work in the accusers. After all, the devil is "the father of lies" and he is always into blaming the Ministry so as to keep people enslaved to his manipulations. Also, free-love hippies were flocking to The Way in the 1960s through the early 1980s; these women probably flaunted Wierwille and in a moment of weakness he succumbed. And why didn't these women speak up earlier?  After all, they didn't speak up until after Wierwille died; he couldn't defend himself. 

Does that reasoning (by Hubby and me at the time) sound familiar? 

It's called rationalization and is a normal, human response when one is holding onto a "truth" in which they have invested a lot of energy, money, time, heart, life, effort, and trust. 

Hubby and I now believe and know differently regarding, among other things, the accounts of the women who have shared some of their experiences.

~*~

This morning, I read an X-post by MTG calling out DJT on one of his lies about her, that she had been calling him a lot and complaining to everyone that he hasn't returned her calls. She responded with the facts -- she hasn't called him, but she has sent him two texts which she posted. 

Good for MTG. That's how one should (depending on circumstances) respond to false accusations. 

Respond with the facts and material evidence if one has any.

DJT's post about MTG are just small, little lies that one could chalk up to just a misspeak...

That said, the devil is in the details...

~*~

When Knapp initially privately gaslit me and privately falsely accused me in August 2010, I could have brushed it off as not-that-big-of-a-deal. And in comparison to most abuses, it was "small" (unless you were in my shoes). But within a week of Knapp's abusive actions and words directed at me, I learned this wasn't the first time Knapp had behaved in this manner. The information I received was corroborated by someone else later that month. And yes, knowing that was one reason I decided that I should file an official complaint -- Knapp's behavior was a pattern.

As I state elsewhere upon learning this information: 

"...I am stunned at the things shared with me. I ask why no one spoke up about these incidents as a warning for others. Chris tells me that people allowed a wide margin for Knapp because of the supposed trauma he had suffered due to the TMO [Transcendental Meditation Organization]. Also, some thought Knapp had changed after going back to school and earning his social work license.

Though I don't take all the information at face value, it does match my experience. Knapp had behaved toward me as he had toward others.

But none of the others were clients..."

Of course, my personal experiences were not on a gigantic, national, worldwide scale which can result in national or global havoc (which brings to mind Covid).

And one could say that I'm projecting my experiences into what I am currently witnessing (and have witnessed) in the MAGA-sphere.

But here's another way to look at it: Maybe it's not projection, but rather pattern recognition.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck.

~*~

For a deeper dive into my experiences with Knapp, here are three links:

1) This is a copy of my complaint which I filed at the end of September 2010: Complaint Overview.

2) This post shares my response to Knapp's public accusations which he posted on his organization's website and on social media (tagging folks in the cult-recovery field) almost a year later, in August 2011: My statements addressing John M. Knapp's allegations & accusations.

3) This post shares a deep dive (but still omits details) into the timeline of events: The Knapp Saga: For the Record. As I state in the opening of the piece, one of the reasons that I decided to post the timeline is "because perhaps this record... may help validate anyone who has endured a similar manipulative experience; whether with Knapp or someone else. The timeline gives an example of the slow process into entanglement and of rationalizing certain behaviors because of so-called trust."

Again, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, most likely, it's a duck...

~*~~*~

Well, this is interesting...

After I published this blog piece I checked my blog stats for the past 24 hours. And, lo and behold, one post that had been visited is entitled "Why would they lie?"  

The piece takes a deeper dive into my rationalizations regarding sexual abuse allegations of Way leadership. Unlike my 11/15/25 post which poses the question regarding a perpetrator, the 2019 post poses the same question but in regard to the victim-survivors and whistleblowers...

Hard copies...

I recently received my routine bone density test results with an incorrect summary conclusion. 

Had I not done some digging prompted by what appeared to be (and ended up being) an error, would we have caught the mistake? 

Maybe, maybe not...

I do not know if the error was Pattern Engine (aka Artificial Intelligence) generated or a human error in data entry or calculation.

May we not dismiss our questions when a result or conclusion looks, feels, presents like it may be askew. 

But neither does that mean we should dismiss test results or conclusions... 

However, to quote Audubon:  "When the bird and the book disagree, ... believe the bird." 

~*~

My phone rings. It's my General Practitioner's office. 

Oh, this must be about my bone density test results. They must be worse. Dr. GP has told me that if any test result ever shows "bad" news, the office will call me before releasing the results via my portal...

I answer the phone.

"Hey Mrs. Welch. This is Nurse from Dr. GP's office. How are you today?"

"I'm doing okay, thank you." 

"I'm calling about your bone density results. They show that you now have osteoporosis. Dr. GP wanted to check about your Boniva; she's pretty sure you aren't taking it anymore?"

"That is correct. I think my last dose was sometime in 2023, maybe? I dropped it because my jaws had worsened, shifting more. And because jawbone loss is s side effect, I got spooked and wanted to experiment."

"Okay. Maybe you could try Fosamax or another medicine."

"Maybe. I'll talk about it with Dr. GP at my appointment next week."

"Yes. That works. Thank you. I hope you have a great day."

"Thank you. And the same to you."

After the call I think... 

Seems I tried Fosamax and experienced a side effect.,,, 

But lord, I can't remember what the side effect was.... 

Maybe Dr. GP has it in her notes...

Later that day I log into my portal to view my test results. My eyes immediately go to the bottom conclusion statement under my "proximal femur" results which reads, "Comparison: Decrease of 5.7% compared to 6/6/2023." 

Then I remember, Oh yeah. It wasn't just because of my jaw that I dropped Boniva... Since I was no longer receiving steroid epidurals and trigger point injections, I thought maybe I'd improved...

[I received my last steroid injections in 2022, after receiving them every six weeks since around January 2014. Bone loss is a typical side effect of long-term and/or high-dose steroids.]

My eyes wonder up to the top of the page which states, "IMPRESSION: 1) Osteopenia/low bone mass..."

What??

I wonder why Dr. GP's office said, "Osteoporosis?"
I bet she just saw that bottom line and did a quick surmisal that logically I had gotten worse. That's understandable. Or maybe the nurse simply misspoke...

Regardless, it's nice to see that I'm still in the osteopenia stage and not osteoporosis... 

~*~

Per my normal mode of operation, I pull up my 2023 results and compare them with 2025.

Oh my gosh. I've improved in three scores and held steady at one score. 

[Two scores for "lumbar spine" and two scores for right "proximal femur."] 

How can there be a decrease when I've improved and held steady?

Over the following week, I do some digging into my hard-copy paper files. I find a file, "Bone Density," which contains hard copies of my bone density tests going back to 2013. And I find notes I'd typed back in 2017 with the side effects listed when I tried the Fosamax and then Actonel. I check my computer, but those notes are no longer in my computer. 

Oh wow. This is great. I'm so glad I keep all these notes and have hard copies... 

My notes have paid off more than once... 

I gather this information and design a bone-density, at-a-glance chart. I include some history notes for contexts. I don't expect anyone, including my medical practitioners, to be able to remember all the details and repercussions of this wild ride with polyradiculitis. 

I also type a question on my chart as to how can that summary conclusion be correct when three scores have improved and one has held steady. Should it state "Increase" instead of "Decrease?" Or should the "2023" state "2014?" The 2025 lumbar tests state they are compared to 2014. My 2023 results state both femur and lumbar are compared to 2014. And my decrease comparing 2025 to 2014 shows improvement when compared with my 2023 to 2014 scores.

As I am putting this all together over the following week, I feel some anxiety...

Will this be the last straw with my GP? What if she drops me for non-compliance? 

She and I have been through these types of conversations before -- my refusal to get vaccines, taking myself off of blood thinners, taking myself off of Boniva...

I navigate this jungle gym of thoughts and worries... 

My health history is so complicated; I have no desire to find a new GP.

What if Dr. GP insists that I go back on a bone-building drug? 

I just can't do that now. 

My 2025 test results have improved from 2023, and 2023 improved from 2021. 

I'm biking again after an over-28-month, forced hiatus and am doing so without intervention from increased steroids; that's huge. Really, really, really huge...

I do not want to interrupt this trend by reintroducing a drug into my system. 

I journal. I think through how I will respond if GP tells me she can no longer see me as a patient, and I journal my possible responses.

As I'm journaling possible responses, I think...

Gosh. This reminds me of when I officially left The Way. I thought of every angle that leadership might respond with and wrote out my responses to those possible statements/questions. And the leadership responded almost exactly as I had predicted in my journal. But I was prepared. That's all I'm doing here, preparing. If GP drops me, I can use Dr. Neurologist until I find a new GP...

I accept the possibility of having to find another doctor.

 

Then, the night before my appointment I reread a blog post I'd written in 2013 about being an advocate for my own health. I didn't search for the post; I just clicked on a link of what a visitor had read on my blog the day before, and "Voila!",,,

After rereading it and the comments, I feel grounded and at peace... 

(The link: I shall rise... two, too, to...)

~*~

With my notes in good, easy-to-read, user-friendly order, I go to my appointment. Nurse checks my vitals, we chat a moment, and I give her my notes. She asks if it's okay for a student to be with the doctor for my appointment. This is also something I'd thought through; I respond that a student being present is fine. 

A few minutes later, Dr. GP walks in with my notes in hand... 

"You are correct. That concluding statement is an error. I think it should probably read '2014' instead of '2023.' I agree that right now, let's not reintroduce any medication..."

We have a very pleasant visit...

~*~

Again, to quote Audubon:  "When the bird and the book disagree, ... believe the bird." 

And I'll add, "Especially the canaries in the coal mines..."

~*~

What souls do...

 Will I click "Publish" without first polishing?

Craft. Polish. Publish.

Do not all humans engage in such? 

Well, except on X-Twitter maybe; or any social media where one chooses to hide behind an anonymous persona used to blast out their rage or whatever else they want to blast while hiding in plain sight.

But it's not really anonymous; there is a soul behind, underneath, within, around the words and letters and punctuation. 

That is, unless the persona is of a Pattern Engine. 

The Pattern Engine (aka Artificial Intelligence) does not have a soul with emotions, feelings, doubts, beliefs, neurotransmitters, and five-plus senses...

~*~

I listened as my good friend opened up about their challenges. I felt a deep sense of pointlessness as my friend shared one disappointment after another, decades of it. As they spoke, the title of a song came to mind - A Man of Constant Sorrow. 

My heart hurt for my friend; I have lived a life of pointlessness-feeling for over a decade now. 

I have written of it often. 

"Does anything bring you a sense of awe? A sense of joy?" I asked.

"Nature," my friend responded. "When I look at the sky on my job-commute, I am in awe. The trees, the clouds, the sun, the moon. The moon grounds me..."

As they spoke of this awe, I heard and felt a change in their tone.

My friend felt lighter after sharing their burden, and we both felt more connected. 

This is what souls do. 

~*~

One of the topics from our conversation was about how details matter and that noticing them matters. 

 

Upon waking the morning after our conversation, my first-recognized thought was an image of the word "pointlessness."

Then I thought, "A synonym of pointless is dull." 

Immediately I pictured a pencil with a dull lead and a pencil with a sharp lead and the strokes each makes upon the paper -- one sharp and clear, the other a bit fuzzy.

Then, my mind recalled a dream from my sleep state: the friend and I built back a bicycle whose parts had been scattered.

Then the thought, "Dullness is unclear, foggy. There is a lack of detail."

Then, " Ah, why bother with details; what's the point?"

Thus, I realized this connection between this feeling of pointlessness and a lack of attention to detail. Why care about the details when there is no point? 

Writing that out now seems simpletonish. 

On the other hand, I recognize a kernel of truth.

A few weeks ago, I thought about maybe writing a series of what a day is like for me, the nitty-gritty details. My immediate thought after pondering it for a moment was, "Boy, that'd be boring." 

And then, "But that's the point." 

Meaning the mundanity of the same tasks, day-in and day-out; tasks that cannot be skipped if I am to remain mobile in some capacity.

Part of what inspired this idea was rereading the book Endurance: Shackleton's Incredible Voyage by Alfred Lansing. It was my third time reading it, and I'll probably read it again someday. Obviously, it is one of my all-time favorite books. But this time, Hubby and I read it aloud to each other. It was Hubby's first time reading it. We both agree that the intimate details are what bring the book so poignantly to life. 

Could I do the same with writing about disabled life? 

If I follow through on the series, I feel like I would be inviting people into the reality of the disabled. And that is, at least part of, my heart/intent. It's not just about Carol, but all those who navigate the details of disability and caregiving; both involve a labor of love.

That's what souls do...

~*~

I'm able to ride my bike again...

My first ride back in the saddle in over 28 months was on August 30, 2025. 

I've now logged 137.45 miles; 4.11 of those on my stationary, indoor trainer.

I would have more miles logged, but I was without a bike for three weeks.

The cold weather is beginning now, so I won't be able to ride as much.

But there is more pointfulness to riding my indoor trainer; if I'm alive come spring and still progressing in my ability to function, I can once again pedal outdoors.

That helps give me motivation.

This is what souls do...

~*~

New River Trail at Fries Junction, 10/13/25

The feel of fabric...

My full-time job is a caregiver to myself. 

I often have to remind myself that I am serving others by caring for myself. 

I serve my husband and my family and thus society. 

~*~

From mid-October 2024 through early-March 2025, I was mostly homebound. 

The isolation felt worse than previous years.

It felt harder, courser, narrower, more confined, the feeling of pointlessness magnified. 

But was it actually worse? 

Perhaps it feels worse at the moment because this season is less chronologically distant than past seasons; out-of-sight, out-of-mind type thing. 

Perhaps it feels worse because of the accumulation-effect; as isolation year-in and year-out piles up, the weight increases into a heavier burden. 

(Hm... there's some nuggets in there regarding lessons on integrating life experiences, allowing them passage and flow, not resisting when certain memories arise via feeling and/or mental images, and then approaching their resurrection with curiosity and questions; in other words, treating these aroused memories with respect.)

Some folks may respond with something like, "Well, being homebound is a good time to get some things accomplished at home." I agree, except when the person is literally not able to cook or to clean or to organize and when their fulltime job is selfcare. 

It can feel very isolating, especially with a rare disease that most are not familiar with.

Folks living with a chronic illness/disability know isolation well, both physically and emotionally.

But have not all sentient beings experienced feelings of isolation?

Is not isolation part of the fabric of life? 

Interesting phrase, "fabric of life." 

Fabric touches our tactile sense; when we are physically comfortable, we usually aren't consciously aware of this fabric-touch upon our skins. 

If isolation is a part of that fabric, what are some other parts?  

Oddly perhaps, I'm actually feeling thankful for the experiences this season.

As I've witnessed the repercussions and stepping into the now, I find it interesting.

It's like, I'm looking back at the past six-plus months as a different person, maybe?

What did I learn from my (mostly homebound) isolation this round?

My brain suffered. 

Regularly, there were times when I felt like I had holes in my brain, like my brain lacked substance. Memory function worsened. 

This observation-feeling was different than the feelings of brain-fog or brain-mud. 

You mean, "Less substance than fog?"

Yes, it was like more of a void; thus, lack of substance. 

I'd find myself concerned; I should talk to Dr. Neurologist about this. But I'll wait until my next appointment.

As I pondered this lack of substance in my brain along with some habits I had (understandably) fallen into, I had a kind of aha-moment. 

By the time my next appointment came around, I'd already experienced this 'aha' moment, and I shared my observations with my neurologist (of 11 years) as he listened and nodded his head. 

What were these habits?

I had fallen into too much time on my phone, reading. 

And too much time watching TV, which to me isn't as bad as the cell phone; but still, it's a screen. 

I enjoy the essays I read from my phone, but this tiny screen shrinks my world, shrinks my feeling of being present in the material realm. 

So, in March (after getting my printer to work properly.; yay me!), I started printing the essays. 

I also started reading more from books and reading less X-Twitter posts.

X-Twitter is the only social media platform I use, unless one counts my blogs as a "social media platform." 

I will sometimes post and reply on X, but I seldom engage in back-and-forth dialog. 

This is true in my 3D life as well; engaging takes precious energy. 

When I do engage, I prefer face-to-face, then phone or Zoom conversations, then digital text communication. 

I find digital texts (which includes email) laborious. 

Since making this change from digital screen to material paper, I've noticed a significant shift...

My brain no longer feels like it has holes in it...

My memory function has improved...

Are there other factors for these changes?

Yes, one being confined inside walls.

Humans, like other animals, are not designed to live inside walls of confinement. 

When a person is isolated indoors, their world shrinks.

Not only that, but their eyesight is also stymied; it stops at the walls.

I started raising the window blinds so I can see outside when I perform my Synergetic exercises, a type of westernized tai chi. 

As I move and sway my body, I am looking at a tree with a big rock beside it. 

I often witness the scamper of a squirrel or a songbird perched on the rock or on a limb.

This helps to make life just a little larger. 

I watched part of a documentary about prisoners who had spent decades in solitary confinement. 

No, my isolation can barely be compared to solitary confinement, and for decades? What torture.

Anyway, as the prisoners shared about the effect of SC and how they found ways to engage their bodies and brains, I could relate. 

The monotony is maddening, and it takes fortitude & endurance to keep on doing whatever one finds to do with such limited choices.

~*~

Transferring my reading from my little SE iPhone screen to paper. it feels like I can see the context more clearly, larger, more expansive.

Symbols on a physical piece of paper that one's fingers touch delicately (though not really conscious of that fact) so that the paper doesn't tear. 

A crinkle sound may enter my physical sense of hearing (again, not really being aware of that fact). 

These symbols on physical paper -- letters that turn into words that paint pictures -- seem to have more substance than symbols on a digital screen.

Is this true for others too?

If so, it seems that would fall into some anecdotal evidence of one effect of digital screens on the brain, on consciousness, on humanness...

Cricket Gifts

Do I post? Do I not post?

Why would I post? 

To give voice. To release it into 'the field.' Because I know others experience deep grief and isolation; though we feel alone, we are not alone. (I'm thinking mainly of folks who live with a long-term illness or disability.)

Why would I not? 

How will others categorize me, under which denigrating labels, reducing my humanity to a simplistic judgment?  A grief-ridden, needy, attention-seeking, disabled, hopeless, old woman who must be stupid because she keeps going through this grieving process. 

If she'd just turn back to God and the Bible or get out more or think positive or (fill-in-the-blank-with-your-favorite-panacea) she could get well...

 

~*~*~*~*

August 19, 2025

That kind of grief where, after the weeping, one finds herself sitting in physical darkness, eyes downcast blankly staring at the floor, dumbed with silence, feeling nothing, no thoughts, no words...

Until at some point, an intervention of sorts, gently taps the soul...

Not to stop the process, but to acknowledge it, allow it, give it space and openness for what it needs...

*~*

Last week, I pushed to get out of the house for appointments on Monday, Thursday, and Friday.

Tuesday the house cleaners were here. I'm thankful for them, but it's another day when my fatigued brain-and-body must accommodate other humans in my energy space.

I totally get why children cry when they're tired.

With the exhaustion of fatigue, sometimes all one can do is cry.

Saturday, I wept and wept and wept...

Holding on through the fatigue-grief deluge...

Why am I still alive? 

What is the point?

No one needs me for anything anymore.

I'm too broken.

That night, I sit alone in the living room, in the wingback armchair inherited from Mom.

The armchair where our dog companions once sat so they could look out the bay window.

I sit in the physical darkness, withdrawn, blankly staring at the floor.

The tears have stopped.

Now the nothingness.

And then I hear a lone cricket who is somewhere in an adjoining room.

I wonder how long he's been singing without me noticing.

I listen.

I listen.

To this indoor melody as Cricket makes himself known.

I whisper in my heart, "I hear you. You are seen. Yes Carol, the crickets still sing."

I feel comfort from Cricket's company.

The grief has settled for the time being.

My downcast face lifts a bit.

With eyes closed, I bow my head in gratitude.

I am not alone.

~*~

As life-spontaneities would have it, crickets had recently been on my mind...

Just a few days before this nighttime soloist serenade, I called 3 Crickateers and spoke with Chad, one of the owners.

Chad and his wife Claire founded the Minnesota company in 2017. They sustainably raise crickets and include the crickets in their food products and snacks. They offer cricket powder as a nutritional food supplement; and for an organic, chemical-free fertilizer and pest deterrent, one can purchase cricket frass (that is, cricket poop) for the health of soil and plants. 

This was my first time contacting 3 Cricketeers. I'd called to offer a poem I'd written in 2007 while hiking a section of a previous route of the Appalachian Trail in Virginia, not far from where I purchased my first 3 Crickateers snack in June 2025. If Chad wants to use the poem, it's free. 

(Brian, a poet friend at the time of the poem's birth, is a Celtic-knot artist. Brian and I had cowritten a few poems together. And again, Brian collaborates, but instead of the written word, he draws a beautiful Celtic-knot art piece illustrating the cricket in my poem. Brian's mother-in-law then sewed a replica of Brian's Celtic-knot cricket onto a quilt. I still feel so very humbled and honored.)

Chad and I chat for a few minutes, and he gives me an unexpected discount on my first online order. I send Chad a link that contains the poem and images of Brian's and his mother-in-law's artworks; Chad responds with gratitude.

~*~

Thank you to my inside-the-house, lone Cricket for serenading me and reminding me of his importance, and mine.

That has been the only night I've heard him inside.

Nature again heard my cries and offered Her gift...

~*~

The Cricket

 

A cricket sat upon

My golden glasses rim

He looked me in the eye

And I looked back at him

His eyes were big and round

One eyelid blinked a wink

I gazed at him and asked

"What is it that you think?"

He bobbed his head, stroked his wings

Playing a solemn tune

Then he answered wisely

Beneath the silver moon

"My life it may be short

Yet I work day and night

My melodies I play

With great purpose and delight

For those in wood and town

The two-legged creatures great

Reminding them that if I cease

They'll know it is too late."

He hopped right off my glasses

And sauntered to the trees

At night now when I hear him

I bow upon my knees

 

September 15, 2oo7 

Carol Welch 

~*~*~

An image of Brian's art piece, "The Cricket Knot," based on the poem.

Click here to view: the artful phases of The Cricket Knot. 

An image of the quilt....

 

"Behold!"

Carol, just write...

How do you feel?

I feel brain rot...

Again...

Like there is a lack of substance in my gray matter.

Why? How? 

What can I do about it?

I've spent too much time this week with the machine.

The little palm-sized digital screen.

I scroll.

Political news, cultural news, nature news.

Opinions, opinions, opinions.

But I seldom engage.

I know why I get sucked in.

I spend most my days alone. 

Inside my brick-and-mortar dwelling.

I can't get out like I once did.

My body and brain are fatigued.

Pain is a daily companion.

Along with cognitive static. 

But Carol, you got out this past Thursday.

You visited your beloved Mountains.

You witnessed Nature's majesty. 

Her messages, Her breezes.

You communed with trees and rocks.

And you talked with other Humans.

From Florida, Ohio, Massachusetts, North Carolina.

And you hiked that short quarter-mile section of Tanawha Trail.

At the Rough Ridge Overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway near Grandfather Mountain.

You weighed the risks and went for it.

You were amazed you were able to do it.

To hike the half-mile round trip with its belly-sized rocks.

It was hard.

It was technical.

But you did it, Carol.

You did it!

Though I wasn't rock climbing...

I had to hike it with a rock climber's precision.

Trusting my Vibram-soled hiking shoes.

Placing my feet strategically, checking for any slick spots on the rocks.

Trusting my trekking poles.

Checking the stability of the ground to make sure it wasn't soft peat. 

Weight-bearing trekking poles push through peat.

A recipe for a fall.

Yes, you long to hike the entire 13.5-mile trail.

But you didn't discover this trail.

Until after the poisoning.

Until after the injury.

Until after the disability.

Accept, accept, accept...

Adapt, adapt, adapt...

Like premature aging...

It goes on and on and on...

Until, one day, it will be done.

Grieve the losses...

Embrace the memories...

Recall the many, oh-so-many, stories...

Feel gratitude for what you still can do...

Be open for what might be possible.

Grief and gratitude...

Each is a necessity...

But I refuse anymore to gloss over the grief.

I wonder, How long I will heed that refusal?

And you walked the short, level trail from Yonahlossee Overlook. 

A pleasant walk that parallels the Blue Ridge Parkway.

And leads to the underside of Linn Cove Viaduct. 

And there, in the distance...

A gigantic, white, fluffy cloud standing above the mile-high mountain tops...

Like a giant, friendly ghost with a long, flowing white robe... 

His right hand extending out over the mountain peaks...

Heralding, "Behold!" 

And that I did...

And I wondered...

Is Benton Mckay in that cloud?

Grandma Gatewood, and Hugh Morton?

Dad, and my friends Joy and Susan?

And others who have loved these mountains...

Who have passed from this physical life.

Do I believe the dead are alive?

I'm open to the idea.

If so, do the living-dead speak to us in signs and dreams?

Whether or not it is so... 

Messages still come through...

If we listen, if we look...

If we take the time to see.

One thing for sure...

These mountains... 

They live on and on and on and on...

In Cherokee Tanawha means Fabulous Hawk or Eagle.

Yonahlossee means Trail of the Bear.

"Behold!"

(PS: Oh! It looks like I may have found a way to post pictures on my blog without allowing the engines access to my photos on my computer.  I copied and pasted the image from my eX-Twitter account where I posted the pic from my smartphone.) 

Held in the deep...

The Deep 

(6/27/25 meditation with some context...)

With about 20 minutes left in my appointment Michele asks, "How do you feel about investigating the dark, bottomless hole?"

I nod my head yes saying, "I'd like to try."

  

It's only been within the last eighteen months that I've been able to clearly identify where in my body I feel this deep, deep, deep sadness...

Upon this identification, I realize I've felt this on-and-off for decades... 

It is a deep, deep, deep mourning down a dark, bottomless hole in my solar plexus area....  

Sometimes I wail... 

Sometimes there is nothingness, pointlessness, paralysis... 

Sometimes I just sit with it, feel it, inhale, exhale, and repeat...

But never have I entered, until now...

I slowly arise from my chair and make my way to the table. 

I climb up, lie down, adjust the knee and neck pillows, and close my eyes. 

I inhale and exhale slowly, settling myself as I prepare to enter this deep, dark, bottomless pit.

~*~

The hollow pit is cylindrical in shape.

But instead of barren red dirt walls, I see raw rock.

Cliffs all the way down to the bottomless bottom.

I wear my headlamp to maneuver through the dark.

I feel Nanna's presence, but I do not know where she is; there is no visible image. 

Just the feeling of her presence. 

Equipped with my climbing gear, I begin the descent.

But I immediately hear that it is not bottomless. 

I hear water flowing beneath me far, far, far away.

I express this verbally to Michele.

She responds, "Where there is water, there is life."

I make a mental note to remember that.

Back in the hole I continue my descent.

I don't make it very far, only about 20 feet.

I anchor my ridgeline cord to the rocky cliff.

I securely attach both ends of my hammock to the cord.

I crawl in and relax trusting the anchors to hold me and my hammock.

I turn my headlamp to red; it's much softer than the bright white light.

I lie totally relaxed, admiring Nature's sculptures.

My ears attuned to the echo of the bubbling spring from deep below.

After 12 or so minutes, I am ready to end this session into my solar plexus.

~*~

Over the following weeks I enter, again and again.

I am getting deeper.

At times, the rocks have wept with me.

Salty rock tears. 

Nanna is a young girl between 6 and 8 years old, with a downcast countenance, feeling unworthy, unable to measure up. 

She is barefoot, wearing a tattered dress.

I first met this image, whom I named Nanna, in October 2008, three years after leaving The Way.

At that time, I penned a poem about her with the following context: 

"I am an expert at self-blame. That's not a good thing, btw. In identifying this core belief that has been central to my life for decades, I had to identify my scapegoat. In searching my heart and psyche, at first, I pictured a goat. But that didn't resonate. I looked up the word 'scapegoat' in a thesaurus and found the word 'cat's paw.' That didn't work either.

With this on my mind I went to bed for the evening. First thing upon waking the next morning, my mind was met with an image of a child. Could it be?"

~*~*~

Held: a prayer...

(7/20/25 meditation without context...)

May I tap into flow

May I float weightlessly

May I drift slowly

images

sounds

scents

Possibilities

no clocks

no dings

no rings

Only the breeze upon my nakedness

May I trust

May I rest

May I...

I am surrounded by Beauty

She pumps life though my cells

Like a bubbling spring Who brings life to all She touches

Feel the object that holds you at this moment

That cradles you

That keeps you from falling

May I trust

May I rest

May I...

"Pattern engines"

After posting my last blog entry, I searched to find the article that I'd read some months back. That article stated that the amount of energy required to power one AI data center is enough energy to power over 40,000 homes. I did not find the article I'd previously read, but a plethora of other article links appeared. More than one essay stated that the number is over 420,000 homes. (I find that hard to believe, or perhaps I'm missing something. After all, I just use technology; I don't design it.) 

Thought blurb...

Is Earth responding to our mismanaged stewardship of Her resources? 

Will the floods continue? 

Will there be more earthquakes?

Will more volcanoes erupt?

Will more bridges and tunnels collapse? 

Will we ever learn? 

That said, what did the dinosaurs do to cause their extinction?

Point being, Nature does what She does without asking our permission.

One article shared that "cloud" storage requires large amounts of energy. I was not aware of that, but it makes sense. After all the storage unit isn't really a "cloud;" it's concrete, wired 3D buildings that store data.

(I've never enabled the cloud function on my phone or my computer.  

That choice wasn't an environmental one; it was a lifestyle decision. 

For me, to have a cloud was just one more thing to manage. 

The information-storage option brought to mind brick-and-mortar storage units for material stuff. My rule of thumb has always been that if I ever have so much stuff that I don't have room for it, I need to clean house, not rent another building. One day that might change; but at this point, I'm pretty stuffed out.)

One of the articles I read yesterday proposed that the AI Large Language Model training centers (which use even more energy and resources than simply engaging with AI) be built where climates are already cold. Thus, less manufactured cooling would be needed. 

Yesterday as I was reading about and thinking on the AI subject, I received an email containing an essay from a Substack to which I subscribe.

The essay isn't about AI's environmental impact but rather AI's social, moral, brain-health, human-relationship impacts. The author, Nathan Beacom, delves into how computers and AI function and the fact that they are not in and of themselves "intelligent." Of course, that should be obvious. (Think calculator: a computer system is a glorified calculator.) But the way in which AI communicates, like one is actually conversing with a human being, can lead to thinking it's more than it really is. 

Beacom proposes a new term, and I'm on board. 

Instead of calling it "Artificial Intelligence," let's call it what it is: "pattern engine." 

(I thought "PE" and chuckled; PE also stands for physical education, definitely a 3D thing.)

Below are a couple paragraphs from the end of the article, There is No Such Thing as Artificial Intelligence, by Nathan Beacom:

"...In lieu of “artificial intelligence,” I propose a more accurate, ethical, and socially responsible name: “pattern engine.” Early computers, which would find mathematical differences, were called “difference engines.” This name adequately recognized the reality of the machine at hand. “AI”s are indeed engines, and engines made for aggregating patterns and sorting data into statistical correlations. They are, truly, engines that sort things into patterns and produce outputs based on the statistical weight of what has been sorted.

A healthy society must be based on truth. And as technological advancement speeds forward faster than our ability to understand and adapt, we can at least not be fooled about what’s happening. Join me, if you will, in calling “AI” what it is. If it catches on, maybe we can find ways to use pattern engines in a way that dignifies humanity, rather than degrades it."

~*~*~

The only AI I've played with (and that very little) is Grok. Grok appeared on my eX-Twitter account sometime within the last year. I didn't know what the new icon on my account meant, so I clicked on it. When I saw it was AI, I tried to get rid of it to no avail. It's a standard feature now, available for questions and conversations with a click. 

Today I decided to litter a little and ask Grok AI about the subject. (My apologies to earth, air, and water.) I wondered, How would AI itself answer? Grok performed a "deep search."

Given that a few months back when I tried Grok out and it got almost all the answers wrong, why should I believe it now?  

Well, I've done my own web searches on the subject and came up with the same or similar information. 

I want to point out something (that I've also read elsewhere) listed in Grok's findings below: 

"...a single ChatGPT request consumes 10 [or 5] times the electricity of a Google Search..." 

So, at what point will that no longer be the case; when will PEs (aka AI) replace the simpler web search function? How much of that is already happening?

Remember when physical litter was a regular sight alongside roads in the US? 

That is no longer the case. We cared enough to stop throwing so much out of our vehicle windows. ("Windows" -- Ha) And now crews volunteer or are hired to clean up any roadside litter.  

~*~*~

One Piece of Trash

I saw a piece of trash

on the ground today.

I could have walked right by

and let that litter lay.

I paused a moment, looked around,

as people quickly passed.

Reaching down I wondered,

why do we move so fast?

Maybe folks will notice

when the litter is a heap.

I hope we soon slow down

before it gets too deep.

april 11, 2007

carol welch

~*~*~ 

If the following from the deep search is accurate, we really need to abstain from or, at the very least, limit our PE queries. 

Scroll down to the bottom for Grok's summary/organized "coherent response."

I, not Grok, bolded parts of the response.  

(Thinking)... 

The user's question is: "How is AI harming the environment?" 

 

First, I need to understand what the user is asking. They want to know the negative environmental impacts of AI technology.

Since this is a broad topic, I should start by searching for general information on how AI affects the environment.

I think a web search would be a good first step to get an overview.

Let me formulate a search query.

I could search for "environmental impact of AI" or "how AI harms the environment."

Since the user specifically asked "how is AI harming the environment," I should use that phrasing to get directly relevant results.

But in the previous conversation, there was already some information provided, but I need to verify and expand on that.

The previous response mentioned energy consumption, CO2 emissions from training models, data center energy use, water usage for cooling, hardware production, and e-waste.

But since the instruction is to use the tools, I should not rely solely on that previous information.

So, let's start with a web search.

Searching... Ok, so from the web search results, I see several key points about how AI is harming the environment. Let me summarize and extract the main points. 

 

First, the training of large AI models requires massive amounts of energy, leading to significant CO2 emissions. For example, training a single large language model can emit as much CO2 as several transatlantic flights, with estimates up to 600 tons of CO2 for some models. 

 

Second, data centers that house AI servers are voracious consumers of electricity, much of which is still produced from fossil fuels. Global data center energy use is projected to double by 2030, partly driven by AI demand. 

 

Third, cooling these data centers requires significant amounts of water, which can strain local water resources in some regions. 

 

Fourth, the production of hardware, such as GPUs, involves mining rare earth metals, which has ecological and social costs, including habitat destruction and pollution. 

 

Fifth, the disposal of outdated hardware contributes to electronic waste (e-waste), which is another environmental concern. 

 

Additionally, there are indirect impacts. For instance, AI can be used in ways that promote overconsumption, such as in targeted advertising, which can lead to increased production and consumption, further straining the environment. 

 

Also, the search results mention that AI's environmental impact is not evenly distributed, with some regions bearing more of the burden due to where data centers are located and how energy is sourced. 

 

Moreover, there's a mention of the potential for AI to have positive environmental impacts, such as optimizing energy systems or improving climate modeling, but the current negative impacts seem to outweigh these benefits in terms of immediate environmental toll. 

 

To ensure I have accurate and up-to-date information, I should probably look at a few of these sources in more detail.

Let me choose a couple of the most relevant and authoritative sources from the search results.

First, there's the UNEP article: "AI has an environmental problem. Here’s what the world can do about that." This seems like a comprehensive overview from a reputable source.

Second, the Wikipedia page on "Environmental impact of artificial intelligence" might provide a good summary of the topic.

Third, the Scientific American article "AI's Climate Impact Goes beyond Its Emissions" could offer additional insights, especially on indirect impacts.

Let me start by browsing the UNEP article.

Browsing... Okay, so from the UNEP article, I have a detailed breakdown of how AI is harming the environment:

Electronic Waste: Data centers produce electronic waste containing hazardous substances like mercury and lead.

Water Consumption: AI-related infrastructure is projected to consume vast amounts of water, potentially six times more than Denmark's consumption.

Critical Minerals: AI relies on rare earth elements, which are often mined unsustainably.

Energy Use and Emissions: Data centers use massive amounts of electricity, much of which comes from fossil fuels, leading to significant greenhouse gas emissions. For example, a single ChatGPT request consumes 10 times the electricity of a Google Search, and in Ireland, data centers could account for nearly 35% of energy use by 2026.

Data Centre Growth: The number of data centers has surged from 500,000 in 2012 to 8 million, increasing environmental demands.

Unintended Consequences: AI-powered technologies like self-driving cars might increase driving, thus raising emissions, and AI could generate misinformation about climate change.

Additionally, there are references to further reading, such as UNEP's issue note on AI’s environmental footprint and the report "Navigating New Horizons" which examines AI’s promise and perils.

This is a solid foundation. Now, let's look at the Wikipedia page for a broader overview.

Browsing... Wow, this Wikipedia page is packed with detailed information. Let me extract the key points.

From the Wikipedia page:

Energy Consumption:

AI, especially deep learning models, requires significant energy for training and usage, leading to high electricity demands and grid strain.

GPUs used in AI consume more energy and emit more heat than CPUs.

The increased computational demands of AI have delayed coal plant closures in some areas, such as Kansas City, West Virginia, and Salt Lake City, by up to a decade.

Energy costs for AI could reach 85–134 TWh by 2027, which is about 0.5% of global electricity usage.

The computation required for AI models doubles every 3.4 months, leading to exponential power usage.

A single ChatGPT query uses approximately 0.34 Wh (1.2 kJ) of electricity, which is five times more than a Google search. If ChatGPT were integrated into every Google search, it would consume 10 TWh per year, equivalent to the yearly electricity usage of 1.5 million EU residents.

In 2024, U.S. electricity generation rose by 3%, driven by data centers.

Global data center electricity consumption was 460 TWh in 2022, which is between the consumption of Saudi Arabia (371 TWh) and France (463 TWh).

Carbon Footprint:

Training large AI models produces significant CO2 emissions. For example, training a large AI model can produce around 626,000 lbs (283 tons) of CO2, equivalent to 300 round-trip flights between New York and San Francisco or nearly five times the lifetime emissions of the average car.

The BERT model's training energy is equivalent to a round-trip transcontinental flight.

Training GPT-3 released 552 metric tons of CO2, equivalent to 123 gasoline cars driven for a year.

Training BLOOM released 25 metric tons of CO2, but when including chip manufacturing, it doubled to the equivalent of 60 London to New York flights; daily operation of BLOOM is equivalent to driving 54 miles in a car.

Companies like Google, Microsoft, and Meta have seen increased emissions due to AI. For instance, Google's emissions increased by 48% over five years due to AI.

Some AI applications, such as those used in fossil fuel discovery or personalized marketing, may exacerbate climate change.

Water Usage:

Cooling AI servers requires large amounts of fresh water, which is evaporated in cooling towers, straining local water supplies.

AI is projected to withdraw 4.2–6.6 billion cubic meters of water in 2027, which is more than half of the UK's total water withdrawal.

Training GPT-3 may have consumed 700,000 liters of water, and generating 10–50 responses with GPT-3 consumes approximately 500 mL of fresh water.

Microsoft considered building a data center in Phoenix, Arizona, but faced opposition due to water scarcity concerns.

E-waste:

The rapid advancement of AI technology leads to frequent hardware upgrades, resulting in increased electronic waste.

E-waste from AI hardware contains hazardous materials that can pollute the environment if not properly managed.

Mining Impacts:

The production of hardware for AI, such as GPUs, requires rare earth metals and other minerals, whose mining has significant environmental and social impacts, including habitat destruction and pollution.

This is a lot of information, and it aligns with what I found in the UNEP article but provides more specific numbers and examples.

To ensure I have a well-rounded view, let's look at the Scientific American article, which might offer additional perspectives, especially on indirect impacts.

Browsing... From the Scientific American article, I get additional insights:

Emissions from AI Training:

Training OpenAI's GPT-3 produced approximately 500 tons of CO2 equivalent.

Simpler AI models produce minimal emissions, but the complexity of large language models (LLMs) and vision programs significantly increases their environmental impact.

Fossil Fuel Industry Impact:

Microsoft's AI technology on Azure is used by ExxonMobil to optimize mining operations, aiming to increase production by 50,000 oil-equivalent barrels per day by 2025, which would add more greenhouse gases to the atmosphere.

This highlights how AI can be used in ways that directly contribute to increased fossil fuel extraction and emissions.

Other Harmful Applications:

AI in automated advertising, such as fast fashion ads on Instagram and Facebook, boosts consumptive behavior. The fashion industry alone is estimated to produce up to 8% of global emissions.

This shows how AI can indirectly harm the environment by promoting overconsumption and unsustainable practices.

Sector-Wide Impact:

AI is used in various sectors like forestry, land management, and farming in ways that can increase emissions, though specific examples aren't detailed in the summary.

Transparency Issues:

There is a lack of transparency from AI companies, making it difficult to fully understand the climate impact of their models, especially when they focus only on emissions and not on broader applications.

Policy Recommendations:

AI policy should consider all climate impacts, including applications, emissions, and water use.

Ethical principles are needed to limit harmful uses of AI, as suggested by experts like David Rolnick from McGill University and Jesse Dodge from the Allen Institute for AI.

Now, I have a comprehensive understanding of how AI is harming the environment, based on multiple sources.

To summarize:

Direct Environmental Impacts:

High energy consumption for training and running AI models, leading to significant CO2 emissions.

Water usage for cooling data centers.

Generation of electronic waste from hardware.

Mining of rare earth metals for hardware production.

Indirect Environmental Impacts:

Use of AI in industries like fossil fuel extraction, which increases greenhouse gas emissions.

Promotion of overconsumption through targeted advertising, contributing to higher production and waste.

Additional Concerns:

Uneven distribution of environmental impacts, with some regions bearing more burden.

Potential for AI to generate misinformation about climate change.

Lack of transparency from AI companies regarding their environmental footprint.

Given that I've gathered information from three different sources, I think I have a well-rounded view. However, to ensure accuracy and to provide the most up-to-date information, I should also consider if there are any recent developments or specific studies that might offer new insights.

Since the user's question is broad, and I've already covered the main points, I think I can proceed to formulate the final answer.

But before that, let me make sure I haven't missed anything crucial.

Looking back at the search results, there was also a mention of a study finding that "AI is terrible for the environment," posted on Reddit. While Reddit might not be the most authoritative source, it could point to a specific study or report that I should look into.

However, since I've already gathered substantial information from reputable sources like UNEP, Wikipedia, and Scientific American, I think I can confidently proceed.

Also, the instruction emphasizes prioritizing primary sources for citations, so I should make sure to cite the sources I've used. 

 

Let me organize the information into a coherent response:

 

AI is harming the environment in several significant ways, primarily through its high energy consumption, carbon emissions, water usage, electronic waste, and the environmental costs of hardware production. 

Below is a detailed explanation of these impacts: 

 

1. Energy Consumption and Carbon Emissions

Training AI Models: Training large AI models, such as those used for generative tasks like ChatGPT, requires massive computational power. For example, training a single large language model can emit as much as 626,000 pounds (283 tons) of CO2, equivalent to 300 round-trip flights between New York and San Francisco or nearly five times the lifetime emissions of an average car. Specifically, training GPT-3 released approximately 552 metric tons of CO2, equivalent to 123 gasoline-powered cars driven for a year.

Data Centers: AI relies on data centers, which are voracious consumers of electricity. In 2022, global data center electricity consumption was 460 TWh, comparable to the annual electricity use of France. By 2027, AI-related energy costs could reach 85–134 TWh, representing about 0.5% of global electricity usage. Much of this electricity is still generated from fossil fuels, further increasing greenhouse gas emissions.

Operational Impact: Even during inference (using AI models for tasks like answering queries), AI consumes significant energy. For instance, a single ChatGPT query uses about 0.34 Wh of electricity, which is five times more than a Google search. If ChatGPT were integrated into every Google search, it would consume 10 TWh per year, equivalent to the annual electricity usage of 1.5 million EU residents.

2. Water Usage

Cooling Data Centers: AI servers require extensive cooling, which consumes large amounts of fresh water. For example, training GPT-3 may have used 700,000 liters of water, and generating 10–50 responses with GPT-3 consumes approximately 500 mL of fresh water. By 2027, AI is projected to withdraw 4.2–6.6 billion cubic meters of water, more than half of the UK's total water withdrawal. This can strain local water resources, especially in water-scarce regions.

3. Electronic Waste (E-waste)

Hardware Upgrades: The rapid advancement of AI technology leads to frequent hardware upgrades, resulting in increased electronic waste. Data centers produce electronic waste containing hazardous substances like mercury and lead, which can pollute the environment if not properly managed.

4. Mining and Resource Extraction

Rare Earth Metals: AI hardware, such as GPUs, relies on rare earth elements and other critical minerals, which are often mined unsustainably. Mining these materials has significant ecological and social costs, including habitat destruction, pollution, and disruption of ecosystems.

5. Indirect Impacts

Fossil Fuel Extraction: AI is sometimes used in industries like fossil fuel extraction to optimize operations. For example, Microsoft's AI technology on Azure helps ExxonMobil increase oil production by 50,000 oil-equivalent barrels per day by 2025, directly contributing to higher greenhouse gas emissions.

Overconsumption: AI-driven targeted advertising, such as fast fashion ads on platforms like Instagram and Facebook, promotes overconsumption. The fashion industry alone is estimated to produce up to 8% of global emissions, with AI exacerbating this through increased demand for mass-produced goods.

Misinformation: AI can generate misinformation about climate change, potentially undermining efforts to address environmental issues.

6. Uneven Distribution of Impacts

Regional Disparities: AI's environmental impacts are not evenly distributed. For example, regions with fossil fuel-based energy grids bear a higher carbon footprint from AI operations compared to those with cleaner energy sources. Additionally, water-scarce regions face greater strain from AI's water usage.

7. Growth of Data Centers

Proliferation: The number of data centers has surged from 500,000 in 2012 to 8 million, driven by AI demand. This growth increases the overall environmental footprint of AI, including energy use, water consumption, and e-waste.

8. Lack of Transparency

Limited Disclosure: AI companies often lack transparency about their environmental impact, making it difficult to fully assess the extent of AI's harm. This includes not only emissions but also broader applications and resource use.

Citations

UNEP: AI has an environmental problem. Here’s what the world can do about that.

Wikipedia: Environmental impact of artificial intelligence

Scientific American: AI's Climate Impact Goes beyond Its Emissions

These sources provide a comprehensive and authoritative overview of AI's environmental harm, highlighting both direct and indirect impacts. While AI has potential benefits, such as optimizing energy systems or improving climate modeling, its current environmental toll is significant and growing. Efforts to mitigate these impacts, such as using renewable energy for data centers or optimizing model efficiency, are underway but have not yet scaled sufficiently to offset the damage.