July 22, 2025

Held in the deep...

The Deep 
(6/27/25 meditation with some context...)

With about 20 minutes left in my appointment Michele asks, "How do you feel about investigating the dark, bottomless hole?"
I nod my head yes saying, "I'd like to try."
  
It's only been within the last eighteen months that I've been able to clearly identify where in my body I feel this deep, deep, deep sadness...
Upon this identification, I realize I've felt this on-and-off for decades... 
It is a deep, deep, deep mourning down a dark, bottomless hole in my solar plexus area....  
Sometimes I wail... 
Sometimes there is nothingness, pointlessness, paralysis... 
Sometimes I just sit with it, feel it, inhale, exhale, and repeat...
But never have I entered, until now...

I slowly arise from my chair and make my way to the table. 
I climb up, lie down, adjust the knee and neck pillows, and close my eyes. 
I inhale and exhale slowly, settling myself as I prepare to enter this deep, dark, bottomless pit.

I wear my headlamp to maneuver through the dark.
I feel Nanna's presence, but I do not know where she is; there is no visible image. 
Just the feeling of her presence. 

The hollow pit is cylindrical in shape.
But instead of empty red dirt walls, I see raw rock.
Cliffs all the way down to the bottomless bottom.

Equipped with my climbing gear, I begin the descent.
But I immediately hear that it is not bottomless. 
I hear water flowing beneath me far, far, far away.

I express this verbally to Michele.
She responds, "Where there is water, there is life."
I make a mental note to remember that.

Back in the hole I continue my descent.
I don't make it very far, only about 20 feet.
I anchor my ridgeline cord to the rocky cliff.
I securely attach both ends of my hammock to the cord.
I crawl in and relax trusting the anchors to hold me and my hammock.
I turn my headlamp to red; it's much softer than the bright white light.

I lie totally relaxed, admiring Nature's sculptures.
My ears attuned to the echo of the bubbling spring from deep below.

After 12 or so minutes, I am ready to end this session into my solar plexus.

Over the following weeks I enter, again and again.
I am getting deeper.
At times, the rocks have wept with me.
Salty rock tears. 

Nanna is a young girl between 6 and 8 years old, with a downcast countenance, feeling unworthy, unable to measure up. 
She is barefoot, wearing a tattered dress.
I first met this image, whom I named Nanna, in October 2008, three years after leaving The Way.

At that time, I penned a poem about her with the following context: 

"I am an expert at self-blame. That's not a good thing, btw. In identifying this core belief that has been central to my life for decades, I had to identify my scapegoat. In searching my heart and psyche, at first, I pictured a goat. But that didn't resonate. I looked up the word 'scapegoat' in a thesaurus and found the word 'cat's paw.' That didn't work either.

With this on my mind I went to bed for the evening. First thing upon waking the next morning, my mind was met with an image of a child. Could it be?"

~*~*~

Held: a prayer...
(7/20/25 meditation without context...)

May I tap into flow
May I float weightlessly
May I drift slowly

images
sounds
scents

Possibilities

no clocks
no dings
no rings

Only the breeze upon my nakedness

May I trust
May I rest
May I...

I am surrounded by Beauty
She pumps life though my cells
Like a bubbling spring Who brings life to all She touches

Feel the object that holds you at this moment
That cradles you
That keeps you from falling

May I trust
May I rest
May I...

July 10, 2025

"Pattern engines"

After posting my last blog entry, I searched to find the article that I'd read some months back. That article stated that the amount of energy required to power one AI data center is enough energy to power over 40,000 homes. I did not find the article I'd previously read, but a plethora of other article links appeared. More than one essay stated that the number is over 420,000 homes. (I find that hard to believe, or perhaps I'm missing something. After all, I just use technology; I don't design it.) 

Thought blurb...
Is Earth responding to our mismanaged stewardship of Her resources? 
Will the floods continue? 
Will there be more earthquakes?
Will more volcanoes erupt?
Will more bridges and tunnels collapse? 
Will we ever learn? 

That said, what did the dinosaurs do to cause their extinction?
Point being, Nature does what She does without asking our permission.

One article shared that "cloud" storage requires large amounts of energy. I was not aware of that, but it makes sense. After all the storage unit isn't really a "cloud;" it's concrete, wired 3D buildings that store data.

(I've never enabled the cloud function on my phone or my computer.  
That choice wasn't an environmental one; it was a lifestyle decision. 
For me, to have a cloud was just one more thing to manage. 
The information-storage option brought to mind brick-and-mortar storage units for material stuff. My rule of thumb has always been that if I ever have so much stuff that I don't have room for it, I need to clean house, not rent another building. One day that might change; but at this point, I'm pretty stuffed out.)

One of the articles I read yesterday proposed that the AI Large Language Model training centers (which use even more energy and resources than simply engaging with AI) be built where climates are already cold. Thus, less manufactured cooling would be needed. 

Yesterday as I was reading about and thinking on the AI subject, I received an email containing an essay from a Substack to which I subscribe.

The essay isn't about AI's environmental impact but rather AI's social, moral, brain-health, human-relationship impacts. The author, Nathan Beacom, delves into how computers and AI function and the fact that they are not in and of themselves "intelligent." Of course, that should be obvious. But the way in which AI communicates, like one is actually conversing with a human being, can lead to thinking it's more than it really is. Think calculator: a computer system is a glorified calculator. 

Beacom proposes a new term, and I'm on board. 
Instead of calling it "Artificial Intelligence," let's call it what it is: "pattern engine." 
(I thought "PE" and chuckled; PE also stands for physical education, definitely a 3D thing.)

Below are a couple paragraphs from the end of the article, There is No Such Thing as Artificial Intelligence, by Nathan Beacom:

"...In lieu of “artificial intelligence,” I propose a more accurate, ethical, and socially responsible name: “pattern engine.” Early computers, which would find mathematical differences, were called “difference engines.” This name adequately recognized the reality of the machine at hand. “AI”s are indeed engines, and engines made for aggregating patterns and sorting data into statistical correlations. They are, truly, engines that sort things into patterns and produce outputs based on the statistical weight of what has been sorted.

A healthy society must be based on truth. And as technological advancement speeds forward faster than our ability to understand and adapt, we can at least not be fooled about what’s happening. Join me, if you will, in calling “AI” what it is. If it catches on, maybe we can find ways to use pattern engines in a way that dignifies humanity, rather than degrades it."

~*~*~

The only AI I've played with (and that very little) is Grok. Grok appeared on my eX-Twitter account sometime within the last year. I didn't know what the new icon on my account meant, so I clicked on it. When I saw it was AI, I tried to get rid of it to no avail. It's a standard feature now, available for questions and conversations with a click. 

Today I decided to litter a little and ask Grok AI about the subject. (My apologies to earth, air, and water.) I wondered, How would AI itself answer? Grok performed a "deep search."

Given that a few months back when I tried Grok out and it got almost all the answers wrong, why should I believe it now?  
Well, I've done my own web searches on the subject and came up with the same or similar information. 

I want to point out something (that I've also read elsewhere) listed in Grok's findings below: 
"...a single ChatGPT request consumes 10 [or 5] times the electricity of a Google Search..." 

So, at what point will that no longer be the case; when will PEs (aka AI) replace the simpler web search function? How much of that is already happening?

Remember when physical litter was a regular sight alongside roads in the US? 
That is no longer the case. We cared enough to stop throwing so much out of our vehicle windows. ("Windows" -- Ha) And now crews volunteer or are hired to clean up any roadside litter.  

~*~*~

One Piece of Trash

I saw a piece of trash
on the ground today.
I could have walked right by
and let that litter lay.

I paused a moment, looked around,
as people quickly passed.
Reaching down I wondered,
why do we move so fast?

Maybe folks will notice
when the litter is a heap.
I hope we soon slow down
before it gets too deep.

april 11, 2007
carol welch

~*~*~ 

If the following from the deep search is accurate, we really need to abstain from or, at the very least, limit our PE queries. 
Scroll down to the bottom for Grok's summary/organized "coherent response."
I, not Grok, bolded parts of the response.  

(Thinking)... 

The user's question is: "How is AI harming the environment?" 
 
First, I need to understand what the user is asking. They want to know the negative environmental impacts of AI technology.
Since this is a broad topic, I should start by searching for general information on how AI affects the environment.
I think a web search would be a good first step to get an overview.
Let me formulate a search query.
I could search for "environmental impact of AI" or "how AI harms the environment."
Since the user specifically asked "how is AI harming the environment," I should use that phrasing to get directly relevant results.
But in the previous conversation, there was already some information provided, but I need to verify and expand on that.
The previous response mentioned energy consumption, CO2 emissions from training models, data center energy use, water usage for cooling, hardware production, and e-waste.
But since the instruction is to use the tools, I should not rely solely on that previous information.
So, let's start with a web search.
Searching... Ok, so from the web search results, I see several key points about how AI is harming the environment. Let me summarize and extract the main points. 
 
First, the training of large AI models requires massive amounts of energy, leading to significant CO2 emissions. For example, training a single large language model can emit as much CO2 as several transatlantic flights, with estimates up to 600 tons of CO2 for some models. 
 
Second, data centers that house AI servers are voracious consumers of electricity, much of which is still produced from fossil fuels. Global data center energy use is projected to double by 2030, partly driven by AI demand. 
 
Third, cooling these data centers requires significant amounts of water, which can strain local water resources in some regions. 
 
Fourth, the production of hardware, such as GPUs, involves mining rare earth metals, which has ecological and social costs, including habitat destruction and pollution. 
 
Fifth, the disposal of outdated hardware contributes to electronic waste (e-waste), which is another environmental concern. 
 
Additionally, there are indirect impacts. For instance, AI can be used in ways that promote overconsumption, such as in targeted advertising, which can lead to increased production and consumption, further straining the environment. 
 
Also, the search results mention that AI's environmental impact is not evenly distributed, with some regions bearing more of the burden due to where data centers are located and how energy is sourced. 
 
Moreover, there's a mention of the potential for AI to have positive environmental impacts, such as optimizing energy systems or improving climate modeling, but the current negative impacts seem to outweigh these benefits in terms of immediate environmental toll. 
 
To ensure I have accurate and up-to-date information, I should probably look at a few of these sources in more detail.
Let me choose a couple of the most relevant and authoritative sources from the search results.
First, there's the UNEP article: "AI has an environmental problem. Here’s what the world can do about that." This seems like a comprehensive overview from a reputable source.
Second, the Wikipedia page on "Environmental impact of artificial intelligence" might provide a good summary of the topic.
Third, the Scientific American article "AI's Climate Impact Goes beyond Its Emissions" could offer additional insights, especially on indirect impacts.
Let me start by browsing the UNEP article.
Browsing... Okay, so from the UNEP article, I have a detailed breakdown of how AI is harming the environment:
Electronic Waste: Data centers produce electronic waste containing hazardous substances like mercury and lead.

Water Consumption: AI-related infrastructure is projected to consume vast amounts of water, potentially six times more than Denmark's consumption.

Critical Minerals: AI relies on rare earth elements, which are often mined unsustainably.

Energy Use and Emissions: Data centers use massive amounts of electricity, much of which comes from fossil fuels, leading to significant greenhouse gas emissions. For example, a single ChatGPT request consumes 10 times the electricity of a Google Search, and in Ireland, data centers could account for nearly 35% of energy use by 2026.

Data Centre Growth: The number of data centers has surged from 500,000 in 2012 to 8 million, increasing environmental demands.

Unintended Consequences: AI-powered technologies like self-driving cars might increase driving, thus raising emissions, and AI could generate misinformation about climate change.

Additionally, there are references to further reading, such as UNEP's issue note on AI’s environmental footprint and the report "Navigating New Horizons" which examines AI’s promise and perils.
This is a solid foundation. Now, let's look at the Wikipedia page for a broader overview.
Browsing... Wow, this Wikipedia page is packed with detailed information. Let me extract the key points.
From the Wikipedia page:
Energy Consumption:
AI, especially deep learning models, requires significant energy for training and usage, leading to high electricity demands and grid strain.

GPUs used in AI consume more energy and emit more heat than CPUs.

The increased computational demands of AI have delayed coal plant closures in some areas, such as Kansas City, West Virginia, and Salt Lake City, by up to a decade.

Energy costs for AI could reach 85–134 TWh by 2027, which is about 0.5% of global electricity usage.

The computation required for AI models doubles every 3.4 months, leading to exponential power usage.

A single ChatGPT query uses approximately 0.34 Wh (1.2 kJ) of electricity, which is five times more than a Google search. If ChatGPT were integrated into every Google search, it would consume 10 TWh per year, equivalent to the yearly electricity usage of 1.5 million EU residents.

In 2024, U.S. electricity generation rose by 3%, driven by data centers.

Global data center electricity consumption was 460 TWh in 2022, which is between the consumption of Saudi Arabia (371 TWh) and France (463 TWh).

Carbon Footprint:
Training large AI models produces significant CO2 emissions. For example, training a large AI model can produce around 626,000 lbs (283 tons) of CO2, equivalent to 300 round-trip flights between New York and San Francisco or nearly five times the lifetime emissions of the average car.

The BERT model's training energy is equivalent to a round-trip transcontinental flight.

Training GPT-3 released 552 metric tons of CO2, equivalent to 123 gasoline cars driven for a year.

Training BLOOM released 25 metric tons of CO2, but when including chip manufacturing, it doubled to the equivalent of 60 London to New York flights; daily operation of BLOOM is equivalent to driving 54 miles in a car.

Companies like Google, Microsoft, and Meta have seen increased emissions due to AI. For instance, Google's emissions increased by 48% over five years due to AI.

Some AI applications, such as those used in fossil fuel discovery or personalized marketing, may exacerbate climate change.

Water Usage:
Cooling AI servers requires large amounts of fresh water, which is evaporated in cooling towers, straining local water supplies.

AI is projected to withdraw 4.2–6.6 billion cubic meters of water in 2027, which is more than half of the UK's total water withdrawal.

Training GPT-3 may have consumed 700,000 liters of water, and generating 10–50 responses with GPT-3 consumes approximately 500 mL of fresh water.

Microsoft considered building a data center in Phoenix, Arizona, but faced opposition due to water scarcity concerns.

E-waste:
The rapid advancement of AI technology leads to frequent hardware upgrades, resulting in increased electronic waste.

E-waste from AI hardware contains hazardous materials that can pollute the environment if not properly managed.

Mining Impacts:
The production of hardware for AI, such as GPUs, requires rare earth metals and other minerals, whose mining has significant environmental and social impacts, including habitat destruction and pollution.

This is a lot of information, and it aligns with what I found in the UNEP article but provides more specific numbers and examples.
To ensure I have a well-rounded view, let's look at the Scientific American article, which might offer additional perspectives, especially on indirect impacts.
Browsing... From the Scientific American article, I get additional insights:
Emissions from AI Training:
Training OpenAI's GPT-3 produced approximately 500 tons of CO2 equivalent.

Simpler AI models produce minimal emissions, but the complexity of large language models (LLMs) and vision programs significantly increases their environmental impact.

Fossil Fuel Industry Impact:
Microsoft's AI technology on Azure is used by ExxonMobil to optimize mining operations, aiming to increase production by 50,000 oil-equivalent barrels per day by 2025, which would add more greenhouse gases to the atmosphere.

This highlights how AI can be used in ways that directly contribute to increased fossil fuel extraction and emissions.

Other Harmful Applications:
AI in automated advertising, such as fast fashion ads on Instagram and Facebook, boosts consumptive behavior. The fashion industry alone is estimated to produce up to 8% of global emissions.

This shows how AI can indirectly harm the environment by promoting overconsumption and unsustainable practices.

Sector-Wide Impact:
AI is used in various sectors like forestry, land management, and farming in ways that can increase emissions, though specific examples aren't detailed in the summary.

Transparency Issues:
There is a lack of transparency from AI companies, making it difficult to fully understand the climate impact of their models, especially when they focus only on emissions and not on broader applications.

Policy Recommendations:
AI policy should consider all climate impacts, including applications, emissions, and water use.

Ethical principles are needed to limit harmful uses of AI, as suggested by experts like David Rolnick from McGill University and Jesse Dodge from the Allen Institute for AI.

Now, I have a comprehensive understanding of how AI is harming the environment, based on multiple sources.
To summarize:
Direct Environmental Impacts:
High energy consumption for training and running AI models, leading to significant CO2 emissions.

Water usage for cooling data centers.

Generation of electronic waste from hardware.

Mining of rare earth metals for hardware production.

Indirect Environmental Impacts:
Use of AI in industries like fossil fuel extraction, which increases greenhouse gas emissions.

Promotion of overconsumption through targeted advertising, contributing to higher production and waste.

Additional Concerns:
Uneven distribution of environmental impacts, with some regions bearing more burden.

Potential for AI to generate misinformation about climate change.

Lack of transparency from AI companies regarding their environmental footprint.

Given that I've gathered information from three different sources, I think I have a well-rounded view. However, to ensure accuracy and to provide the most up-to-date information, I should also consider if there are any recent developments or specific studies that might offer new insights.
Since the user's question is broad, and I've already covered the main points, I think I can proceed to formulate the final answer.
But before that, let me make sure I haven't missed anything crucial.
Looking back at the search results, there was also a mention of a study finding that "AI is terrible for the environment," posted on Reddit. While Reddit might not be the most authoritative source, it could point to a specific study or report that I should look into.
However, since I've already gathered substantial information from reputable sources like UNEP, Wikipedia, and Scientific American, I think I can confidently proceed.
Also, the instruction emphasizes prioritizing primary sources for citations, so I should make sure to cite the sources I've used. 
 
Let me organize the information into a coherent response:
 
AI is harming the environment in several significant ways, primarily through its high energy consumption, carbon emissions, water usage, electronic waste, and the environmental costs of hardware production. 
Below is a detailed explanation of these impacts: 
 
1. Energy Consumption and Carbon Emissions
Training AI Models: Training large AI models, such as those used for generative tasks like ChatGPT, requires massive computational power. For example, training a single large language model can emit as much as 626,000 pounds (283 tons) of CO2, equivalent to 300 round-trip flights between New York and San Francisco or nearly five times the lifetime emissions of an average car. Specifically, training GPT-3 released approximately 552 metric tons of CO2, equivalent to 123 gasoline-powered cars driven for a year.

Data Centers: AI relies on data centers, which are voracious consumers of electricity. In 2022, global data center electricity consumption was 460 TWh, comparable to the annual electricity use of France. By 2027, AI-related energy costs could reach 85–134 TWh, representing about 0.5% of global electricity usage. Much of this electricity is still generated from fossil fuels, further increasing greenhouse gas emissions.

Operational Impact: Even during inference (using AI models for tasks like answering queries), AI consumes significant energy. For instance, a single ChatGPT query uses about 0.34 Wh of electricity, which is five times more than a Google search. If ChatGPT were integrated into every Google search, it would consume 10 TWh per year, equivalent to the annual electricity usage of 1.5 million EU residents.

2. Water Usage
Cooling Data Centers: AI servers require extensive cooling, which consumes large amounts of fresh water. For example, training GPT-3 may have used 700,000 liters of water, and generating 10–50 responses with GPT-3 consumes approximately 500 mL of fresh water. By 2027, AI is projected to withdraw 4.2–6.6 billion cubic meters of water, more than half of the UK's total water withdrawal. This can strain local water resources, especially in water-scarce regions.

3. Electronic Waste (E-waste)
Hardware Upgrades: The rapid advancement of AI technology leads to frequent hardware upgrades, resulting in increased electronic waste. Data centers produce electronic waste containing hazardous substances like mercury and lead, which can pollute the environment if not properly managed.

4. Mining and Resource Extraction
Rare Earth Metals: AI hardware, such as GPUs, relies on rare earth elements and other critical minerals, which are often mined unsustainably. Mining these materials has significant ecological and social costs, including habitat destruction, pollution, and disruption of ecosystems.

5. Indirect Impacts
Fossil Fuel Extraction: AI is sometimes used in industries like fossil fuel extraction to optimize operations. For example, Microsoft's AI technology on Azure helps ExxonMobil increase oil production by 50,000 oil-equivalent barrels per day by 2025, directly contributing to higher greenhouse gas emissions.

Overconsumption: AI-driven targeted advertising, such as fast fashion ads on platforms like Instagram and Facebook, promotes overconsumption. The fashion industry alone is estimated to produce up to 8% of global emissions, with AI exacerbating this through increased demand for mass-produced goods.

Misinformation: AI can generate misinformation about climate change, potentially undermining efforts to address environmental issues.

6. Uneven Distribution of Impacts
Regional Disparities: AI's environmental impacts are not evenly distributed. For example, regions with fossil fuel-based energy grids bear a higher carbon footprint from AI operations compared to those with cleaner energy sources. Additionally, water-scarce regions face greater strain from AI's water usage.

7. Growth of Data Centers
Proliferation: The number of data centers has surged from 500,000 in 2012 to 8 million, driven by AI demand. This growth increases the overall environmental footprint of AI, including energy use, water consumption, and e-waste.

8. Lack of Transparency
Limited Disclosure: AI companies often lack transparency about their environmental impact, making it difficult to fully assess the extent of AI's harm. This includes not only emissions but also broader applications and resource use.

Citations
UNEP: AI has an environmental problem. Here’s what the world can do about that.

Wikipedia: Environmental impact of artificial intelligence

Scientific American: AI's Climate Impact Goes beyond Its Emissions

These sources provide a comprehensive and authoritative overview of AI's environmental harm, highlighting both direct and indirect impacts. While AI has potential benefits, such as optimizing energy systems or improving climate modeling, its current environmental toll is significant and growing. Efforts to mitigate these impacts, such as using renewable energy for data centers or optimizing model efficiency, are underway but have not yet scaled sufficiently to offset the damage.

July 1, 2025

"Victims of Comfort"

AI is all the rage, it seems.
Still, I resist.

I've heard the suggestions: 
Update. Get with the program, Carol. 
Hook your body up to wireless capabilities to monitor 24/7 your blood pressure, your heart rate, and other bodily functions. 
Hook your home up to wireless capabilities to control your thermostat and security systems from afar; to have faster and faster internet with a click, to make TV-watching easier. 
And never, ever go anywhere without your cell phone. What if you need help; what if there's an emergency? 
And be sure to download those apps. Otherwise, how will you keep up with the news, the weather, the dangers that lurk in the world? How will you find your way without a map app? How will you listen to your music or take pictures to share with family or on social media? 
You need these things, Carol.

Why?
What happened to make do with what you have before purchasing more?
More stuff means more trash.
What happened to necessity being the mother of invention?
But the computer has now become a "necessity."

When did faster and faster become a "necessity," and why?
Because the artificial system now demands it. 
The advertisers did an excellent job creating this "need."
And now, it's too late to turn back without chaos descending upon us.
That is until it all blows up, which one day I think it will.

All this stuff to help us 'control' circumstances and keep one 'safe' reminds me of human against nature, instead of human alongside with nature. 
The encouragement to constantly monitor, the felt 'need' to control, and a manufactured and contagious vigilance for an (artificial) sense of safety can suck the joy of discovery and rediscovery, the joy of spontaneity, right out of life. 

So, Carol, are you a modern Luddite?
Not completely, but I am being a bit cynical.
After all, I'm posting this entry on a blog via my laptop which is connected to the internet wirelessly with a hotspot device which I bought for $1.00 over a decade ago. Yes, $1.00, which included free hotspot internet service for a couple years. (Thank you, hotspot, for continuing to work.) 

I don't have a lot of apps on my phone or computer, but I really enjoy my map and music apps.
Could I get along without them?  Yes.
Would it be less convenient?  Without a music app not so much, but without a map app, most definitely. 

Back in March, I ventured outside my home, in the dark, solo for 6 hours without my cell phone. Gasp!!! 
A certain feeling of freedom accompanied me on that little jaunt. 

~*~

A few months ago, I experimented for a few days with AI, asking it questions to which I know the answers. The answers are publicly and easily searchable on the web.

Grok, after doing a few "deep searches," got the answers wrong almost every time.
When I pointed this out and directed Grok to the searchable, online answers it responded, 

"Carol, you’re a riot—this scavenger hunt’s been a wild ride! I’d say you’re the real winner here, keeping me guessing like a champ. If this were a game show, you’d be raking in the jackpot for stumping the AI!"

I admit it was a fun discourse.
But also, I felt like I was littering. 
Huh? Why would I feel like that?

One of my main objections regarding AI is the cost-to-benefit ratio. 
I've read that the amount of energy required to operate one AI data center can provide enough energy to power over 40,000(?) homes, and that it takes a lot of water to help cool these data centers. And there are the rare earth minerals/elements required to run all this artificiality.  

For what?
Self-drivable cars, bitcoin, games, conversations with a machine, summarizations of essays so we don't have to read the whole piece, writing of essays so we don't have to work as deeply to compose, to run things faster and faster and faster and faster...
But these aren't "necessities."
Is it really worth it? 
And what effect does it have on the brain and body, on relationships and connections, especially in children? 

What I'm not opposed to so much is AI helping with certain incurable conditions such as ALS and paralysis.
And there may be a time and place for "wearables," but not at the expense of giving up one's agency. 

Carol, if you'd lived in the early 1900s, would you have been against the invention of the gas-powered motorcar?
Probably, and I would have agreed with Inspector Thomas Brackenreid when he stated, "Damn motorcars."
But Carol, you love to drive.
Yes, I do, mainly on two-lane mountain roads. And I am grateful for the US interstate system. 
But, if cars were never invented, no one would miss them.
Same goes for indoor plumbing and air conditioning. Ha. 

And who knows, maybe the earth and oceans and all the life that thrives here would be healthier and happier if the motorcar (and its accompanying asphalt) had never been invented. 

~*~
 



~*~


~gazing out my kitchen window~
~change of seasons landed~
~nature again makes her mark~

She didn't ask my permission
nor scatter her leaves orderly.
She allowed them to fall where they may;
with great purpose she allowed it.

~squirrel~
All that matters to him is the next nut
or the next squirrel to chase around the tree.

~dog~
All that matters to her is
the next meal,
the next intruder,
or the next two-legged creature
that comes along
to caress and talk with her.

The animals do not worry
or engage in much ado.
Aye, I do think the animals
in many ways are wiser than man.

What is their secret?
Simplicity and instinct.

~oh humankind!~
Why have we allowed so much complexity,
strife, unease?
Where have our instincts gone?
Who stole them?
Why did we allow it?

Perhaps if we jump off the Jones' wheel;
perhaps if we smile and touch again;
perhaps if we quiet ourselves
long enough to observe the animals,
even in the cities;

Perhaps we can again arrive at simplicity,
arrive at instinct,
arise each day
with thankfulness in our hearts
and a skip in our step...

Perhaps then life in all its richness
and oneness can be enjoyed
and we can bask in all the goodness
with which we are surrounded.

Will you join me?

Here, take my hand
and dance with me.
Show me your steps
and I'll show you mine.
Together we can make our lives,
our families, our world
A little better place.

december, 2004
carol welch

~*~

A couple essays, worth the read, imo....
And a short overview of my resistance and acceptance of digital life: Ickies and shutters

~*~

June 17, 2025

Delectables...

This afternoon... 

I make my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. 
I walk out the kitchen storm door and onto our almost brand-new, stick-built, screened-in back porch.
I walk out the wood-framed screen door and onto our almost brand-new, stick-built deck. 

"Hi Hiram," I softly say as I greet the great scarlet oak which provides us much-needed shade, companionship, and a home for wildlife. 
He wears a face, high up on his bark trunk. 
Scars left form enduring previous years of maturing.

I've often wondered if the scars are a result of storms in times before we knew Hiram and before this house was built. It was built in the '60s, a time before all vegetation was razed to build human dwellings. One thing I love about our neighborhood is the number of trees. Of course, with all these trees around and in between the manmade structures, comes risks. 
Our arborist estimates Hiram to be 100 to 120 years old.  

Hiram has a pupil in his right eye, part of the face.
His mouth is neither frowning nor smiling.
It feels like he is watching over our house, our home. 
I named him Hiram years ago. 

I turn left and walk down the two short steps to the lower part of the deck and over to the almost brand-new, built-in, wooden bench sized just for me. 
When in process of building the bench, the builder had me come outside to measure the height for the bench seat. 

It's perfect. I'm only 4'11". I used to be 5'2". I lost three inches within 4 years, probably a side effect of long-term, high-dose pharmaceutical steroids. The shrinkage caused kyphosis in my thoracic spine area. Think Quasimodo, but lower down on the spine. 

The big daystar on its afternoon descent shines directly on the bench. 
One reason I had the bench built, sun therapy. 
I sit down and lean back.  
I rest my head on the small rail-shelf which tops the back of the bench. 
Again, a perfect fit on which to rest my neck and head.

I close my eyes and see the red of the sun beneath my eyelids. 
I imagine the rays bringing healing to my eyes. 
Will that happen? I dunno. 
But it feels comforting, warm, nurturing, and the right thing to do at this moment. 

Within a couple minutes white fluffy clouds obscure the sun. 
The red light fades away. 
I open my eyelids. 

I witness the clouds slowly moving and the leaves of the trees dancing in the breeze. 
The breeze also feels comforting in the 90-degree heat of the air beyond me.

Air is not empty. 
If we had eyes that could detect all the information flowing through the airwaves -- the DNA, the germs, the gases, the cellular and satellite communications, and whatever else floats in the Invisible to our-naked eyes -- I imagine it would look very busy. 
It's a good thing we can't see all that. 
I wonder if Hiram can.

After maybe 5 minutes I walk back indoors. 
I want a snack. 

Chips? Saltines? Orange slices? Ice cream? 
Oooo, I know. I'll eat some crickets! 

I retrieve a one-ounce bag of Cricket Caramel Crunch made by Three Cricketeers out of Minnesota. 
Each bag contains three crickets, along with popcorn and peanuts with a caramel coating. 
Thank you crickets. 

In 2007 I penned a poem entitled The Cricket...

A cricket sat upon
My golden glasses' rim
He looked me in the eye
And I looked back at him

His eyes were big and round
One eyelid blinked a wink
I gazed at him and asked
"What is it that you think?"

He bobbed his head, stroked his wings
Playing a solemn tune
Then he answered wisely
Beneath the silver moon

"My life it may be short
Yet I work day and night
My melodies I play
With great purpose and delight

For those in wood and town
The two-legged creatures great
Reminding them that if I cease
They'll know it is too late."

He hopped right off my glasses
And sauntered to the trees
At night now when I hear him
I bow upon my knees

~*~*~

Crickets: The Musicians of the Insect World: Fun facts from Nemo TV

~*~*~

The Cricket Song by Tilly and Bo

 

May 27, 2025

Pick Two

The piece below was compiled for a writing group in which I participate.
I feel some vulnerability in sharing it here on toss & ripple.
Why do I even want to share it?
Why do I share anything on my blog? (A question I've often asked myself.)

Well, this time, I'm sharing it because of the responses I received after reading it out loud in the writers' gathering... 

~*~~*~

[5/27/2025: WriteTime]

I have written since our last gathering.
But, not for public consumption. 
I've only journaled. 

I'm so tired...
Should I just transcribe a journal entry or two and read that?
Okay, I'll pick two...


Journal entry 5/20/27, late night:
I am safe.
Circumstances have not changed, factually.
But my perspective has.
The circumstances do not feel real; it kind of feels like I am making all this up.
But my journal entries from November 2000 are factual truth showing otherwise.
Well then, I must be making a mountain out of a molehill.
But the long essay about the effects [of this certain circumstance] validates my own experience. 

A half-hour ago I felt-thought, "My life is like a comic book." 
What does that mean?

It means my life does not feel real.
So, in psychology, that feeling is called dissociation. 
And that is okay and actually a normal response.
Wow. That may be the most normal thing I do.

Spiritually, it is taking a step back and viewing the circumstance from outside my body...

I'm sleepy now... 


Journal entry 5/26/25, late night:
At this moment my heart feels anxiety.
That is not unusual; I swim in uncertainty.
Do not we all? Or am I projecting?
Perhaps most humans feel certain.

What does "certain" mean?
"Sure."
Hmm. When I think of something being "sure," the context is an event in the past. 
I see a picture. 
Like if I wonder if I turned off the stove, if I'm sure, I would see a picture in my mind's eyes in my brain which is different from my soul's eye which is in my heart.
My soul's eye -- some would call it a fantasy. 
But isn't that what the future is? A fantasy?

Oh, where was I?
Ah! Back to the word "certain."

Is the word "absolute" a synonym for "certain?"
Ab sol ute.
I wonder if that comes from words that mean "without a doubt."

Do I believe anything is absolute? 
That's a hard question.
I think of absolute as something that cannot be changed.
The only thing I can think of is the past; the past cannot be changed.
Or is there some other plane where the past can be changed? 
And how would the one living it even know?

Oh Carol, you started this stream writing that you feel anxiety.
How about now?
Well, I've journaled and lived into the future which just now became the past.

One thing is for certain.
There are at least three time zones:
Past. Present. Future.

[End journal entries.]


Today, 5/27/25, about 30 minutes after transcribing these entries for tonight:
It dawned on me that the first entry is the first thing I journaled after the 5/20/25 WriteTime. 
The last entry is the last journal entry before the 5/27/25 WriteTime.
Somehow, that seems significant...
This past week felt like three...

~*~~*~

WriteTime is a gathering of folks who write, read, listen, comment...

~*~~*~




April 29, 2025

Corridors and Window...

 [4/29/25 WriteTime]

In the past 5 months, I guess...
Maybe it's been longer... 
I find myself reviewing my life in a hub of my memory...
Corridors from where images bubble up... 
Many are distinctively clear...
I think all are in color... 

Once these images bubble up, it's not unusual for me to gain an insight that either I haven't had before, or I can't remember if I had it, or the insight seems to have been there along, but I had to wait for it to come out of hiding and not immediately push the insight away because of training to not allow certain feelings of the past. And if they did come up, I was to declare them "null and void." That is so unhealthy...

But that's what indoctrination can do. 
It can replace, shield, correct, kill choice. 
Some may say, "Indoctrination doesn't kill choice; it limits choice." 
Technically, that may be true. 
But experientially, I beg to differ. 
I've' described my experience with indoctrination as a soul suicide.

Back to the memory corridors...
Counting backward in time, from when I first began training as Way Corps in 1978 at 19 years old...

There was The Way Corps and Word Over the World Ambassador, both from The Way International, an organization to which I stayed loyal for 28 years. Looking back, it's like, in part, I got stuck in an adolescent mindset.

Right before The Way, there was The Pentecostal and Charismatic Movements. 
Then, continuing backwards in time, The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ
Simultaneously with The Aquarian Gospel, there was Ram Dass with Be Here Now, and there was Transcendental Meditation (TM), Round 2.
Before that, The Southern Baptist Church which came after Transcendental Meditation, Round 1.

Before TM there were a multitude (I'm not exaggerating) of psychedelic trips, including a round with Jimson seed at 15 years old while I was strapped to a bed in ICU living in a world of horrific hallucinations for three full days and nights with no sleep. 

What led me to TM at 16 years old was the effect of too many psychedelic trips. Other than the Jimson nightmare, the trips were magical. I and my fellow trippers could feel the oneness of all things, at first.  

Around 10 months into the oneness, a shift happened. 
I turned inward, into a deep dark bottomless hole. 
Alone, paranoid, sitting on my bed with my head in my hands, rocking forward and backward, I thought I was going insane. 
I probably was. 
My saving thought was, "If I were insane, I wouldn't know it." 
Eight words. 
That same day, I turned to TM to heal my brain; it helped. 

Before the drugs there were boys and cheerleading.
Before boys there were horses and ponies and the neighborhood kids. 

There must have been 25 of us neighborhood kids... 

When I think back on those days, before my interest in boys at 13 years old, I feel a sense of freedom. 
I identify this feeling of freedom from around 5 years to 13 years old. 
Surely this feeling extends beyond that; my experiences would indicate so. 

But right now, I only feel it during that window of eight years... 
All in the context of my childhood neighborhood... 

Girls rode the horses and ponies; boys rode the minibikes which would sometimes scare the horses. 
One day, when I was 10 years old, I was breaking in a Welsh pony named Mary Jane. (I now prefer the term "gentling" as opposed to "breaking in.")  A minibike revved up behind her. She bolted in fear into some woods and threw me off into a tree and kept running. I broke my arm, and my face got all scratched up. They found Mary Jane downtown in the small city, more like a town, where I lived. Despite the incident, I got back on ponies and rode almost every day until I was around 12 when I began riding less and less.

We had freedom to roam; we camped outside, usually in nearby woods. 
Sometimes I'd camp out alone in our yard. 
I'd stargaze praying to see UFOs; surely, we aren't alone. 
I wanted to meet aliens; I thought they could bring oneness to the world. 
I'd read Chariots of the Gods when I was around 10 years old.

I wanted to believe. 

~*~~*~

WriteTime is a gathering of folks who write, read, listen, share...

~*~~*~

April 15, 2025

Praying mantis arms...

The end of April 2025 will mark 14 years since the onset of polyradiculitis...

In late April 2011, my sister was visiting from Florida. We met at a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. As I shared about my new pet-sitting service, I told her that I had to purchase a smart phone to run the business. I then said, as I balanced my newly acquired, palm-sized computer in my left hand, "These smart phones sure are heavy." 
Little did we know what was about to transpire... 
Within a week, all my limbs suddenly turned to rubber...
My sister later shared, "I thought it unusual when you made that comment because smart phones are not heavy..." 
  
It took two years and eight doctors to receive a proper diagnosis.
It took another three years to discover an underlying cause.

~*~

Journal entry, 4/13/25

Settle Carol...
Yes, I feel I've experienced a shift...
It probably began on March 21, 2025...

That is when I (again) began to consciously walk and hold my body in better form, and I began to use my arms differently. 
I've lived with praying mantis arms for over a decade, though I used to get relief with cervical spine trigger point injections and lumbar epidurals. 
Every six weeks, for over eight years, I'd received some sort of injection(s) into my spinal cord area.
My last lumbar epidural was the week of April 11th, 2022; I think I received it on Thursday, April 14, 2022. 
Little did I know it'd be my last...

On April 28, 2022, I landed in the hospital for three nights; two good-sized blood clots, one in each lung. 
I and my wellness team were all stunned. 
I was then told that any more epidurals were too risky; the combination of epidurals and blood thinners is a high-risk recipe for paralysis. 

I became terrified... 
Without the epidurals, how could I remain mobile?
That same week, one of my providers began offering low-level laser therapy.
It's proven to be a godsend. 

Still without the lumbar epidurals, the cervical trigger point injections did not work as well. 
I gave them up too (in addition to the epidurals). 
It's all steroids; the tiny relief I got with the cervical injections didn't justify the side effects. 

My arms, already suffering from muscle atrophy, weakness, and shooting pains, became weaker, especially my biceps. 
Thus, praying mantis arms became my norm, until the last weekend of March 2025. 

Praying mantis arms: When a person has to keep their arms, from their elbows to their shoulders, close to their torso for support. If one has to reach, she moves super slow, concentrating, supporting the arm hopefully mitigating any kapow-bang-drop response.

Sigh... 
Do I really want to write about this? 
Haven't I written enough about life with polyradiculitis, whom I've come to name Poly Rad? 
To personify it seems to somehow lessen the fear.
Why is that?

Does personification bring it out of the scary condition that it is?
Like bringing it out of the shadows.
Or like exposing that there is no boogey man under the bed. 
Does personification lighten up the heaviness?

Oh my god, the heaviness...
Like my body was filled with iron slivers and Earth was trying to suck me right into her core. 
I would sometimes lay in my backyard, rolling from side to side in tears, looking up at the clouds and trees swaying in the breeze; they made movement look so easy. 

But it wasn't iron slivers in my body.
It was cobalt and chromium slowly poisoning my body from within, a defective hip implant leeching its metals for over eight years.
In 2016, the defective implant was explanted and replaced.
I no longer have the heaviness.
That's a good thing. 

~*~ 

Today, April 15, 2025

My bicep training continues; definitions of tiny bicep muscles are developing. 
I'm practicing to retrain my arms so that I am no longer a praying mantis.
Or maybe I am, just in a human costume.

~*~ 


March 28, 2025

Trust...

Recently, as I was rereading part of the book of Romans in the Bible, I found myself engrossed in chapters three through five as I read about Old Testament law, believing, and faith.

The section comes across differently when one reads it from a Christian Universalist (CU) perspective instead of an eternal torment or annihilation perspective. 

~*~

Carol, do you feel like writing out your introduction to CU? 
Okay, let me see if I can give it a go without getting caught in the details...

Around September 2006, eleven months after leaving The Way, I was rereading for the umpteenth time the book of Romans in the Bible. But this time I was stopped in my reading tracks as I read Romans 5:12 - 18. This section compares the first Adam (of Genesis) with the second Adam (Jesus Christ). 

According to the Bible, the first Adam's sin brought death to all mankind. All, every single person (and maybe animals too?). And according to this section in Romans, the benefit of Jesus's accomplishments is so great in its undoing of what the first Adam instilled in all mankind (and in the earth itself) that it can't even be compared to the consequences of Adam's action. Is it really that big?  

Wait a minute...

I reread the section again... 

Wow. If that's the case - that Jesus's accomplishment is so much greater that it can't even be compared to the consequences of Adam's sin (which has caused the whole earth to continue in a state of groaning and travailing),wouldn't that mean that all is restored by Jesus' s conception, birth, life, sacrifice, death, resurrection, and ascension... even if one doesn't believe it? All. All. All. What Adam did affected the entire earth. To undo all that, wouldn't that mean that everyone, everyone, is redeemed? Is it really that big? If so, does that mean that Lucifer also is reconciled back to Elohim?

I brought this up with an ex-Way minister who visited our home at the time to teach a small gathering of folks who had recently left The Way. I don't remember his answer other than the beginning of it, "Yeah but..." I can't recall what he said after that, but I do recall what I felt - he was parroting Way doctrine which I already knew. In other words, I'd already thought of the "yeah buts." 

As I reread Romans and pondered the possibility of every single person being redeemed, I thought about "believing" and some ponderings I'd hidden in my heart, even while I was still a Way believer. Even though "unconditional love" was supposedly in the scriptures, I had a hard time seeing unconditional love in the scriptures. To receive God's blessing I had to believe; it was conditional, not unconditional. And believing can be hard work. Though I wondered about that (and a few other things that The Way taught as the rightly divided and only accurate interpretation of scripture), I'd tell myself what I'd been taught -- there must be something amiss with my understanding or with the translation of the scripture. 

Within about three months of seeing this in the scripture and thinking on it, I connected with someone on Greasespot Cafe, the online forum where ex-Way folks gather/ed, who shared with me about Christian Universalism (CU). I'd never heard of such. I thought, Wow. Maybe I can have my cake and eat it too? The only Universalism I was familiar with was Unitarian Universalism. 

I began to study CU. Some of what it taught lined up with doctrine I'd learned in The Way, such as no eternal torment. But The Way taught annihilation of the unbeliever, not eternal torment. A burning hell was in store only for death itself, the devil, and those born of the "seed of the serpent." But they won't burn forever; they (like the unbelievers who don't make it into the third heaven and earth) will cease to exist. 

CU teaches that everybody makes it in; every person will ultimately bow at the name of Jesus Christ - either in this earthly life or after the resurrections of all. 

My favorite book on CU is The Inescapable Love of God by Dr. Tom Talbott
~*~

When I reread the Bible these days, I read it from a different perspective than when I was a true believer. When I read the Bible now, I read it not as (necessarily) inspired by God but rather as written by mankind trying to make sense of the world and its happenings. 

Could it be inspired by God?
How do I, how does anyone, define "God"?  
Seems to me any definition of Spirit (i.e. God) would (always?) be lacking, like an insect trying to define humans. 
What of other writings regarding beliefs outside of Christianity? 
Could they too be inspired by God, by Spirit? Me thinks, yes. If such a creator exists, I don't think she/he/it can be defined by a series of words.

So, as I recently reread Romans 3 and 4 and 5 about faith and works and Abraham, something dawned on me. Perhaps, instead of thinking of the word "faith" as "believing," would a reader be better served to think of "faith" as "trust"? For me, this switches the emphasis from the works of the self to a trust in the other. Of course, that means the self believes in the other, yet trust is built over time. And for me, trust is more intimate than working to believe. Trust involves relationship. 

From my journal, 3/29/2025...

What if the "key" to receiving is not believing, but rather trust? 
Believing puts the emphasis on mankind doing: to work to build one's believing. 
Trust puts the emphasis on the "other."
Trust involves surrender and belief.
In order to surrender I must trust and believe the other cares for me.
Trust embodies humility

~*~

I'm still chewing on these thoughts...
Pondering what "trust" means for me...
In what and whom have I trusted...
In what and whom do I trust...
Recalling the oh-so-many times of so-called "answered prayer"...
Answers that have so-often simply unfolded...
These have happened not because of me, necessarily...
Though I do have to at least show up...
Ask, act, accept, adapt...
Trust, trust, trust, trust...

~*~

February 25, 2025

Treasure Chest....

 As polyradiculitis has stolen so much from my life, I continue to mourn...
Too often, I then judge myself...
The judgement is disguised as, "But think of all the good in your life, Carol..." 
I think of the Homeless, the Bereaved, the Poor, the Orphan, the War-torn...

And I often think of Dad, who lived over 12 years as a quadriplegic. 
If he could appear in bodily form, I think he would agree that even though he couldn't move his body, he found ways to thrive through those years. 
And he couldn't have done it without Mom. 

Recently as I've thought about my current crippled-in-body-and-brain condition, I've thought-felt that I have not allowed sufficient grieving of the piled-up losses. 
And it's not just the losses from Poly Rad, but other losses, some decades old.

Instead of allowing myself to feel into the caverns left by the losses, I try to fill up those caverns with the next thing. 

Can I allow those losses a voice, to speak from the deepest caverns in my soul?
To sit with the losses...
Allow any images to arise...
Ask what is it I am grieving? 
What color is it? 
Where do I feel it in my body?

~*~

When Granddaughter came into the world this past May, I felt joy and some trepidation. Joy in that she is healthy and that her parents love her dearly. Trepidation in that, "What will the world be like as she grows up?" I imagine every grandparent thinks something along those lines. I counter this with the reminder that all known living beings have endured through incredible tragedies and sometimes horrendous atrocities; it's part of being alive on this planet. 

I thought I had prepared myself for her arrival - prepared myself emotionally for the fact that I am unable to help with her infant and baby care. Due to polyradiculitis, I am unable to pick her up or carry her or change a diaper. My arms and hands are too weak. The reality of that fact was one more item on my growing can't-do list. 

Some might say, "Don't confess that, that you can't do!" 
The advice is noted, but would they say to the blind, "Don't confess that you can't see!"? 

I guess there's no real way to prepare for many losses, until they arrive. 
And I grieved, for months after her birth, that I was unable to care for my granddaughter, to help out. 
As a response I would continually remind myself of the silver linings...
And then I'd grieve again...

A couple weeks ago, I took a trip to see Granddaughter. It's not an easy drive. I take the interstate and have to drive through Charlotte. Lord, I don't like that close traffic at the speeds one has to drive to keep from being run over. I most always drive the back roads home which takes over three hours, but at least I'm not wracked by the constant vigilance of zooming among giant tin cans on wheels. 

This last visit with Granddaughter was the most joyful I'd experienced. She can now sit up and crawl. And she loves music!!! I used to "teach" preschool music, singing and dancing with little people. So, this last visit, as she sat in front of me and me in front of her, our eyes and energies connected, as we bopped and clapped our thighs and laughed. 

Son said to me, "Mom, that was a real help. I was able to get some uninterrupted clean-up done in the kitchen. Thanks!" 

My heart sang...
I found my niche...
As Granddaughter gets older, I'll take my big bag of musical instruments...
It can be Memaw's Music Bag...

That is a rich life Carol...
Despite the losses, and maybe in part because of them, you have a huge treasure chest...
And there's still room in it for more...

~*~
One of the songs we shared...
Cypress Choral Music with All God's Critters...

February 20, 2025

Dampening....

I think I want to finish writing the story about Hiram -- our beautiful, wondrous, huge scarlet oak. 

As I think of all the details of the story, which is still ongoing, I think, Do I really feel like writing all that out? 

Of course I wouldn't write all the details; just what I feel like sharing or what beckons to be written.

I recently orally shared the story with someone who responded something like, "Wow. That's a God thing." 
I can't recall my response - if I pretended to agree or not. 
But it was after that that my enthusiasm for writing the story was dampened. 

Why did I feel that way so suddenly?

I pondered, awaiting an answer... 
Within a day or so I had an answer...

It bothers me because it implies that God plays favorites. 
Depending on a person's beliefs, that could be a true statement. 
But I'm not one who believes that, anymore.  

What if, during a storm, my house is spared, but not my neighbor's. 
How very arrogant it would be to think, say, believe that God was watching out for me
So, by logic, wouldn't that mean that God wasn't watching out for my neighbor?

Such kind of doctrine causes my blood to feel staticky, prickly. 
Hm, is that how arrogance feels to me?  

If I finish the story about Hiram, am I bragging about a blessing from God? 
If so, I will not write that story. 
 
So, if I don't believe in God-things for certain people and not for others, what do I believe?

The Way taught that God is no respecter of persons, but that He is a respecter of a person's believing regardless of that person's belief or not in Jesus...
In other words, the "law of attraction"....

Can I actually attract to me, by my believing, that which is beneficial for me?
Maybe so...

Quotes from a couple different blog posts regarding the "law of believing":

2/03/2012: Expectations: The law of believing...
 
"...I was not going to be ashamed; that is, I was believing and thereby would not be disappointed in my expectation. My partner and I would make it to Tinnie on time, even if I did have asthma symptoms in the frigid cold. By acting on the Word and going to LEAD in spite of my asthma, I was believing. My body would be healed. 'Confession of receipt yields receipt of confession.'

My partner and I missed the allotted time frame by a few minutes; we failed. We had to turn around and hitchhike back to Kansas. We weren't able to attend the LEAD outdoor rock-climbing session.

I was disappointed in my expectation, so I must not have been believing. But by missing the time frame, I missed the seven days and nights in the frigid cold in the wilderness mountains of New Mexico. Frigid cold plus asthma plus wilderness could equal death or at the least, trauma.

I continued to suffer with asthma for the next fifteen plus years. But I still claimed God's healing."

I didn't want to be ashamed."



"...The electro-magnetic field radiating from the heart is about 5000 times greater than that of the brain. Magnetism attracts and repels. Maybe that's the key to receiving, maybe there is a physiological side to this 'law of believing.'..."

~*~




~*~