The following is coming out now.
I no longer want to hide.
So, I am putting this out in the field.
I am thankful for my husband and children and granddaughter, my few close friends, my trusted medical and wellness team, and Earth's wildlife and non-human creatures who have continually come to my aide through the decades...
~*~
12/08/2025
Yesterday I asked myself, "Carol, what are your triggers?"
And I answered, "What do you mean 'triggers?' "
Circumstances, internal and/or external, which prompt a response of vigilance, on-guardness, protectionism, avoidance, self-judgement, and "fill-in-the blank."
If left unchecked, these can then manifest in biological symptoms such as pain, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and "blank-in-the-feel."
Then an insightful answer appeared.
"Each day as I open my eyes to greet the day, I am triggered. Wow..."
Why?
Because I don't know from day-to-day where I will land on the symptom-severity scale.
And the factor that I navigate mostly alone makes it feel harder most times. I am physically alone most of the time as I daily navigate (on a continuum) fatigue, brain-stupor, physical weakness and pain, and more; and the mundane tasks of being my own caregiver.
Waking up for the day triggers me.
Who will I be today?
What will I have to navigate?
This is hard to admit, but it's true.
But again, "Why does greeting each day trigger me?"
It's the unknown factor, the uncertainty, of whether or not and how much I can trust my own body and brain to function on any given day...
And you know what?
Every human lives in the unknown.
None of us know what will meet us on any given day.
Yes, we have expectations and routines and goals and tasks.
But still, the next 24 hours is unknown.
The next second is unknown, at least while living here in this earthly plane.
Dad didn't wake up one morning and have the goal of becoming a quadriplegic that afternoon.
I didn't wake up over 14 years ago with the goal of losing normal function in all my limbs and extremities.
I didn't go to my beloved Roan Mountain for a few days with the goal of my ex-mental health therapist trying to assassinate my character with outright lies in at least a dozen public posts.
And the list goes on...
For each of us...
But Carol, you don't have a job or work outside your self-care.
This is hard to admit, but it's true.
And yet I know I'm not alone in navigating (have I used that word enough?) this kind of life.
I have found comfort in others' stories who live with disability and are so very limited to partake in the physical tasks of living.
Such as cooking, cleaning, errand-running, decorating one's home during the holidays, shopping, walking the dog, helping others out with physical and other needs, sending cards, and so forth.
But I do have routines in my self-care, and I do have purpose as ling as I can continue to accept and embrace that this is my job.
And it is a hard job.
It's not one I would have chosen, but it is the one that has fallen to me.
So, in that sense, I'm just like able-bodied folks that have jobs or work outside of self-care, the work of serving others.
I continually tell my self that my self-care is serving others...
And this too, is true...
~*~
Three days later, on 12/11/2025...
I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...
Water is a big part of the couple exit-life plans I've come up with...
Water will finish the deed so that no breath is left...
I turn the knob with feelings of utter worthlessness, no value...
Of no light at the end of this dark, endless tunnel...
Feeling I am only a burden to my family and beyond...
The pills, over 40 per day...
Just one unrelenting circumstance that I navigate...
But it won't take 40 for this deed...
I turn the knob of the tub faucet so water flows...
And a thought clearly emerges...
If Hawk is here, I'll not do it...
I turn off the knob and the flow ceases...
I walk to the bathroom window...
I peer into our big backyard...
There, regal and faithful...
Hawk, my companion...
I call Hubby...
~*~
Over 40 pills a day...
I post with some hesitancy.
But I'm so tired of hiding.
I list the targeted reason for the supplements, but they also provide other systemic benefits.
Many pills on the list I have to take multiples of the same pill; for example, I take 4 Omega-3s a day.
Thus, the following listed pills add up to over 40....
It starts when I arise from bed. I swallow Bromelain, an enzyme which must be taken on an empty stomach for its anti-inflammatory effects.
An hour-or-so later after I invert on my inversion table, I swallow Iron caplets which must be taken away from other mineral supplements. I combine it with Quercetin with Vitamin C to aid the Iron absorption and for inflammation. I swallow Sam-e for pain and depression.
Then I exercise.
Fortyish minutes later. Digestive enzyme; two Charlottes Web CBD gummies and sublingual liquid extract for inflammation and recovery and nerve health; and Sublingual B-12 for nerve health.
I eat a little, breaking my fast of 16 to 17 hours, and then swallow the first round of mixed pills.
5 mg of Prednisone which I've been on since July 2011. Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter a steroid side-effect. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium for my bones to help counter another steroid side effect. Monolaurin to help counter Epstein-Barr. Garlic to help counter the candida side effect of steroids. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity.
Part of my breakfast consist of powdered food supplements stirred into Coconut Water. Coconut Water provides potassium to help with my leg cramps. I stir into it 6 different powders: one targets osteoarthritis; one provides a Multivitamin, but I drink a kid's version with lower B-6 levels because my body doesn't metabolism B-6 properly; an Electrolyte to help with proper absorption; Curcumin/Turmeric for inflammation; Lion's Mane for nerve health; and Fiber which helps with cholesterol. I add another powder to my morning cereal; it targets blood sugar levels to help counter that side-effect of steroids.
Mid-afternoon, I swallow NAC and the mineral supplement of Strontium. Strontium needs to be taken away from other minerals; it helps counter the steroid side effect of bone loss. NAC helps the body and the liver with detox; I used to take it at bedtime until the chronic-insomnia onset in April 2022.
Before my evening meal, I swallow another digestive enzyme. After eating I swallow the next round of mixed pills.
Omega-3 for inflammation and for my heart to help counter the heart-steroid side-effect. Neuromagnesium for my brain. Methylfolate for my MTHFR gene-mutation. Calcium-magnesium for my bones to help counter another steroid side effect. Vitamin D3 for my bones. Garlic with Curcumin to help counter the candida side effect of steroids and to address inflammation. Vitamin C for inflammation and immunity. A Mushroom mix for immunity. Lysine to help counter shingles and herpes simplex virus.
I can hear the critics now.
And to them I say, "Come live with polyradiculitis and all its repercussions, not to mention the other traumas I've survived. Then your criticism or critique might hold some weight. I don't like taking all this. But I humbly state that it has paid off in that I am not in a nursing home, my bone density is holding steady, my blood pressure and heart specs are in normal ranges, I don't have diabetes, I seldom get 'sick,' and fill-in-the-blank. Does that mean I will never develop any of those abnormalities? No. But I will do what I am able to help mitigate them, if I can."
Then there is bedtime.
I begin this routine 1-1/2 hours before I lie down for the night. Two Charlotte's Web gummies and sublingual extract for inflammation; then I laser my brain for sleep.
Then, I swallow a teaspoon of coconut oil and swallow magnesium supplements for sleep, and I take two THC gummies for sleep; then I again laser my brain for sleep.
Next, I drink powdered herbs in water -- herbs combined specifically for me, by my herbalist, for inflammation and sleep.
Then I carry in my little cloth bag, that my daughter sewed for some project when she was young, upstairs which contains my 2nd shift sleep herbs, 2nd-shift THC gummy, and two Charlotte's Web Stay Asleep gummies. I arrange the containers on my dresser with a coffee cup half-filled with water and a glass of water.
Then I load my dry vape with cannabis and carry it and my sleep pharmaceuticals (of which 2 have to be cut in half which I prepare in the morning) downstairs to the living room.
While I vape, I play Sudoku; fill in my columned chart for the day; maybe draw or journal or read; heat some rice socks which I use on my hands and legs and back; and then lie on the couch while using a foam roller on my left thigh. Depending on how and what I feel I might channel surf on the TV landing on a comedy or a show of interest. I also lie in silence as I allow my thoughts to free float.
During the last 45-to-60 minutes of the 1-1/2 hour routine, I take three different pharmaceuticals, spacing between each one. 50 mg of Seroquel, down from the 300 mgs which began in August 2023. Then, after 15 or so minutes, I swallow .25 mg of Xanax which I began around July 2023. Then after another 15ish minutes, 5 mgs of Dayvigo, down from 10 mg which began in July 2023.
I finally fall asleep to arise sometime during the night. I drink my 2nd-shift, combined-for-me herbs and chew my three 2nd-shift gummies. Usually I can fall back under, but sometimes not.
Again, I can hear the critics, and I respond, "We tried probably all the natural means for me to be able to fall under. We tried supplements, acupuncture, unplugging all electronics in the bedroom, weighted blanket and then other blankets, turning the air down to 68 degrees F, meditations (which actually saved me through the 14 months of chronic insomnia that ended up in a really bad case of sleep deprivation), mental health counseling, sleep neurologist, exercise, various herbs, and more. And we tried other pharmaceuticals. We finally landed in the combination above. And I do sleep now, but there are side effects to all these drugs.
And, to any critics and judges, I ask, 'Have you ever lived with sleep deprivation; and I mean real sleep deprivation? The paranoia, suicidal kind.' Of all the trauma I've experienced in my life (including the jimson weed seeds I swallowed at age 14), sleep deprivation has been the most terrifying."
~*~
So, there you have it...
A snippet of my daily maintenance regimen...
And that is just my daily pharmaceuticals and herbs and supplements, and part of my sleep routine...
~*~
