From this past week, a few snippets from my journal...
Snippet one
When I catch myself judging myself harshly, I say to myself, "Settle Carol. Relax."
I consciously let go in my muscles and through my nervous system.
The judgement might linger, but it doesn't root.
My legs and arms, feet and hands, toes and fingers, back and spine -- they work so hard, so very hard.
And I thank them.
Sometimes when I meditate, chills will tingle up my back and in my limbs.
It feels good.
Snippet two
I am almost at the end of this journal.
I wonder how many journals I've written.
Maybe I'll count them tomorrow.
But they are not all in one place.
Most are on one bookshelf; others are scattered among stacks of books.
Snippet three
Okay. I'm trying to write for an audience.
Stop, Carol. Do not write for the audience. Not here, not in your journal.
Snippet four
I'm having anxiety...
May I be free from self-doubt, distrust, and fear.
May I allow confidence; I've done a lot of things successfully.
May I allow trust. The Universal Spirit and Bestower has always provided; stay open to that.
May I allow trust. Do what I can and listen; listen to those inner nudges.
May I allow groundedness. The ground is my friend and has always supported me.
Snippet five
I am concerned about Hubby's and my preparedness regarding end-of-life stuff.
We do have a will.
The kids have access to our credit union safe deposit box. This year I will update what is in the box.
I have set a goal that I will print all our passwords and codes and delineate accounts that are on auto ship and auto draft so that the kids have easy access to cancel those.
And I will begin and continue to get the house in order.
I can organize these things.
Think of all you've done Carol, especially with the ex-therapist fiasco and my defective-hip fiasco. I had to compile lots of paperwork and evidence. And in both cases, I was successful despite my fatigue and weakness and brain stupor.
I can do this.
So, settle Carol.
Snippet six
The US and Israel started a war with Iran. It's the crusades all over again.
Israel supposedly obeys the Old Testament, except for certain parts I guess, like animal sacrifices.
The Old Testament attributes that God commanded his people to annihilate their enemies - men, women, and children - and to take the spoils.
I've read that radical Islam supports killing the infidels.
I will not join the online fray.
I will pray, take care of what I can, and be a peace pilgrim.
Not peace through war, but peace through prayer(?), peace through forgiveness(?).
Ah, peace through resistance to conform, through care of the earth and her creatures, through stewardship.
This I can do.
Snippet seven
I met my newly arrived granddaughter today; she is four days old.
Why do I not feel happy?
Am I sad because of the state of the world she is entering?
But Carol, this has always been the state of the world.
Or am I afraid to feel happy, to feel love, because I know it will end?
Everything dies.
I have a banquet of belief options to choose from.
But to quote the late Evangelical Agnostic folk singer, Todd Snider, "But believing and knowing, those are two different things."
I love you, Granddaughter two. I love you, Granddaughter one.
Snippet eight
Gazing at the picture of me cradling my 4-day old granddaughter, I felt such deep connection.
I have felt this before when I cradled my now 20-month-old granddaughter at 2 days old.
I pray that their little nervous systems learn to regulate.
I pray that they know they are loved, and respected, and never ever alone.
I pray they learn to love themselves with grace and mercy and kindness and gratitude and that that has a ripple effect with all the other ripples.
Snippet nine
I counted my journals.
I've written approximately 43 since October 1998, an average of 1.59 journals per year.
~*~
Todd Snider passed away on 11/14/25...
But his words live on...
But his words live on...
This song was released in 2006...
Happy New Year everybody
There's an overweight man with an overweight woman on a sofa watchin' TV
He's yellin' his opinion at the television, she looks up from her food and agrees
They got two bumper stickers on their pickup truck
They keep the pickup parked outside
One sticker says, "What Would Jesus Do?"
The other bumper sticker says, "Power of Pride"
I was thumbin' through the stations on my own television
When I come across a guy on this religious station
Singin' "Somebody's Coming"––he sounded whiter than me somehow, wow
It took me back in time through dwindlin' joy
To when I was such a guilt-ridden Catholic boy
I'm Evangelical Agnostic now
I don't know what we're doin' here
You don't know what were doin' here
Now Christians, don't walk out on me just yet
You know whose name I'll be yellin' as I'm clutchin' my chest
The one my dad told me to and his told him to
And I probably pray as much or more than you do
Believe? Shit, every word I sing
But believin' and knowin', those are two different things
And if you're tryin' to change the way a stranger's life will have to go
I believe this is where I'll wanna stick to what I know
Which is nothin', you know
Nothin' for sure, so
Just chill 'til the next episode
Now back to the lecture at hand
Seems like my neighbor wants to kill what he can't understand
I say we can't just kill what we don't understand
But I turn on my TV and I see that, oh yeah we can
We can and we have since the dawn of man
For countless gods whose only real seeming plan
Was to see to it that clingin' to life was our fate
And you gotta admit, life's pretty great
But, can we deny that it's killin' us?
(I'll be here all week)
Happy New Year, everybody
Happy birthday, Country Joe
I resolve to do like I always do
I ain't hurtin' you, hm-hm-hm-hm
If life is anything it's embarrassin'
A rusty nail through a careless shoe
You can't help but sit around and wonder sometimes
Why there's never anything the nail can do
But think about how unfair it is
That the shoe is always goin' where it's got to, too
If you ain't the dumb kid out runnin' around
You kinda gotta do what you're born to do
Happy New Year, everybody (Hey, happy New Year, everybody)
Happy birthday, Country Joe (And specifically happy birthday to you, Country Joe)
I resolve to do what I always do
And I only ever make it a day or two
