It Hurts

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Emotional suffering and pain are real. It's not a matter of just "changing one's mind." If someone is in a car accident and severely injured, that one can't just "change their mind" or distract themselves and the injury is gone.

My father spent 13 years living as a quadriplegic due to a head-on automobile collision. One split second, and life was forever changed. The damage was obvious and he lived, we lived, coping with that injury the rest of his days. It had impact; great impact. The family learned together how to care for Dad. Dad learned how to care for himself. I wonder how many nights he spent awake staring at the wall knowing someone would be in soon to turn his body so as not to get bedsores. He was powerless to turn his own physique. He knew his limitations. He made the best of his life and my mom was a huge, huge player in that.

Damage from emotional abuse (which may include negligence, verbal, physical, sexual, religious, spiritual) is similar; it can be paralyzing. The person may be left battling injuries that aren't apparent on the surface: shame, distrust (especially in oneself), betrayal (even feeling they have betrayed themselves), feeling they don't fit anywhere, depression, suicidal ideation, worthlessness, self-hate, anxiety. They may become the "identified patient" or scapegoat and used as an 'example' for others in a social group. (Click Second Chance to Live for an excellent sharing about the "identified patient.") They may be labeled as weak-minded or having a victim mentality, when the reality is probably the opposite. Meanwhile the details regarding interactions within the abusive relationship remain hidden, until the survivor dares to speak up. (I totally understand and have deep empathy if one chooses not to speak up.) The survivor has to be prepared (at least somewhat) to handle the labels and criticisms thrown at them while weighing their own vulnerabilities and health if they choose to expose abuses.

Yet, like my Dad's paralysis, anyone who has survived trauma (which is on a continuum) learns to function, even if that function is limited. One learns ways to cope and ways to even heal. The overwhelming up and down process and waves sometimes seem too big to handle. Loss and grief and rage arise. Damage takes it toll. The wave subsides and one is sometimes left feeling like a different person.

It hurts.

In transcribing one of my journals from my foundational, early Way years when I was in-residence in the Way Corps....well.....some of it is hard (an understatement). I see the damage. Some of it is embarrassing and I am tempted to reword the journal, but I don't. Then it wouldn't be peering into the mindset at that stage of indoctrination toward the true believer.

In transcribing the journal I see quite clearly four aspects at work which are described in detail in the book Bounded Choice. These are charismatic authority, transcendent belief, systems of control, and systems of influence. Perhaps I'll blog about those at some point and time. The glossary that I'm compiling in order to explain some of the wording in the journal is empowering for me, to help see the totalistic aspect of The Way.

I am also currently battling (for lack of a better word) blaming The Way for the challenges I've faced with illnesses in the physical, mental, and emotional arena; I have mostly blamed myself for decades. Looking at the organization with its indoctrination process as holding a large(?) part of the responsibility is new to me, and difficult. I'm confident that as I progress through these layers toward greater wellness, I'll find a perspective which helps toward wholeness.

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