In my complaint to the New York state Office of Professions, I had to write everything out endeavoring to make what had happened clear. It took me over two weeks to write summaries of the various incidents that happened in my and Knapp's relationships and then to compile the vast amount of emails as evidence.
I state "relationships" instead of "relationship" because of the various dualities in our relationship: counselors, friends, colleagues, and I - the client.
It was a good exercise for me, writing out those summaries. Painstaking and wearisome, yet necessary and in the long run helpful.
I felt horrible filing a complaint. I felt horrible not filing a complaint.
My choice between the two horribles is obvious. I filed.
One of the aspects I summarized were John's accusations toward me which were all exacted in print via emails. I simply summarized John's own words.
According to John:
- I didn't stand up for him in a conflict he had with a third party.
- I name-called.
- I was non-compassionate toward John's plight while showing compassion toward the third party.
- I accused John of "being in it" for the money.
- I suggested that something was wrong with John's irritation and anger regarding his conflict with the third party.
- I "destroyed" my and John's "friendship" if I couldn't see the situation the way that John saw it.
- I was playing a "charade."
- I was "placating" the third party with whom John had the conflict.
- I was making "everything" some sort of "perfectionistic" test for John.
- I was "reading into [John's] words," "much like [the third party] had done."
- I was not respecting John's boundaries
- I had shown "no understanding" for the "toll" the conflict with the third party was having on John.
At the end of the accusatory email(s), John stated he'd find it hard to trust me again on any level. He said he had blocked all my emails, was blocking me on Skype and blocking me from calling his 800 number. He had stated in (what I later learned was) an automated email response to me and the third party that he wanted no contact with either of us.
I was shocked, stunned, cut to my very core. I became numb and was sent whirling into a tunnel of confusion.
I haven't been hostile toward John; have I? I had stated I was confused and a bit angered due to John's previous ultimatum email he had sent to me and the third party. Where is he getting this stuff from? What did I do? I was only trying to help.
I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.
I destroyed our friendship. I destroyed our friendship. I destroyed our friendship.
I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
John, who had been my mental health counselor; who proclaims healing; who states he "hates' abuse; who exposes alleged abusers; had used my deepest vulnerabilities against me. Vulnerabilities he and I had ferreted through for two years, some that we had just discussed less that a week prior including deep anxieties and doubts I was having regarding my function as "creative director" for John's online discussion board and still-formulating, upcoming non-profit.
Vulnerabilities that I had worked hard to make progress to overcome:
- My fear of authority. To me John was an authority.
- My fear of abandonment. John had stated more than once that he wouldn't abandon me; a promise I know that no one can keep.
- My deep, deep issues of self-blame, self-doubt, and being unintelligent. John was blaming me for things I was totally unaware I had done. When I read his accusations toward me, I thought maybe I had done those things. But the reality was, I hadn't.
- My distrust of myself that runs deep in my psyche. John confirmed to me just how untrustworthy I was. He cut me off; I wasn't worthy enough to even speak with. I became a non-person.
By the end of September, almost two months from John's damaging emails and actions, and with John having made no endeavors to amend or reconcile the situation or open up communication, not to mention the other information that came my way, I mailed the complaint.
John sliced me up, then cut me off. Slice and hatchet is what I called it back in August, 2010.
I was left with turmoil, confusion, severed parts of my beliefs again shattered by the very person I was supposed to be able to trust - my mental health therapist who was supposedly a friend.
Another harmful, soul-murdering, cult-like experience from someone proclaiming to help those who have been abused.
No pseudonyms have been used in this penning.
PS: As my son stated on our 15-mile hike the day after Knapp's harmful actions: "Mom, how can you be the one who destroyed the friendship when he's the one that cut off communication?"
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To access an ongoing index regarding my experiences with Knapp, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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