Hope

Not sure what will come forth as I sit down to write. I just know I want to write.

Today is the best day I've had in a couple months. I don't feel so dead inside. I don't feel the intense anxiety and self-blame and self-doubt. I don't feel depressed, though when I awoke I felt the low-level depression I've been met with almost every day for two months.

Perhaps the Paxil I started a couple weeks ago has started to kick in. Perhaps my 7-mile walk yesterday helped more than I realize. Perhaps my appointments with Dr. McColloch are having a cumulative effect. Perhaps the affirmations I began last week are helping. Perhaps the meditative exercises I took up last week are helping. Perhaps the 'heart-soaking' I've been doing is helping.

Last week, I lay on my bed after a helluva weekend.

Last Saturday I experienced dizziness for a couple hours and the feeling I was having a bad acid trip for seven hours, plummeting me into a type of derealization or something. The dizziness came on suddently after I typed a sentence that I wanted a new identity; I wanted to erase my past. I'd been there before - the feeling of having a bad acid trip without ever ingesting the acid, but the dizziness was a first. Yet, I'd experienced the other symptoms enough to recognize that they would pass. To recognize I was still present and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The day after those events, I continued to have trouble. As I lay in bed I told myself, "I have to get control of this. I can't go back here again." Here being into the mental illness roller coaster of self-destructive mental habits, of hiding, of closing off myself to me, of becoming paralyzed, of mood swings that can feed on themselves, of self-loathing, of possible suicidal ideation or worse.

My next thought was, "Carol, you have gotten well before. You can get well again. What did you do before to get well?"

My answer to myself was, "You journaled. You read. You applied cognitive exercises. You applied relaxation skills, meditation, and affirmations. You applied HeartMath exercises. You can do that again."

So I did.

I turned on my rainforest CD and lay in bed allowing the sounds and music to soothe me, allowing myself to drift into the forest. I slept that night without having to take a Xanax. Good job Carol! ;-)

Anyway, I've endeavored daily to get back to those fundamentals to help redirect my emotional state. They have helped. I especially like the heart soaking tool I first learned about from the Institute of HeartMath. I focus on my heart area and allow the anxiety to be bathed in compassion that I generate in my heart area. It's like soaking a dirty dish, allowing the anxiety to neutralize. It calms me, allowing more flow within myself.

I know the anxiety (and depression) will raise its head again. Hm, I say "it" as if the anxiety and depression are one thing. Maybe they are?

Regardless, I can keep moving forward and find joy in each breath I take. Writing about breath brings to mind how far I have come in the last 10 years. There were almost two decades where to breathe was a daily struggle.

There is much to live for.