Manipulations

non-subject: haunted
aww ~ 10/30/13

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I am discouraged. I again feel I am groping along trying to find answers for the nerve damage in my limbs.

I thought, I hoped, I wanted to believe that I had found an osteopath with whom I could work; but I've had too many red flags. I've now had five appointments with her; but I didn't receive my first osteopathic manipulation from her until my fourth appointment, two weeks ago. Her manipulation, which was a deep tissue massage on my arms and wrists and hands, surprised me. At the time all I said was, "Is this okay for damaged nerves?" I was already on the table, face down; she was pulling on my arms and hands. It was painful. I endured thinking I've hurt before with body work when the pain is temporary and in the long run beneficial. Plus I didn't want to offend her. Maybe this process was okay?

Back in February my hand surgeon had directed me to not receive massage on the damaged nerve tissue, that compressing the nerves could make the damage worse. I recognize that is his opinion based on his experience and knowledge. I recognize that a different kind of practitioner may have different experience and additional knowledge. Yet his expertise was contrary to the treatment I was then receiving from the osteopath, and I wasn't quite comfortable with these two contradictory opinions floating around in my head.

Years ago I saw an osteopath; he was my general practitioner. His approach helped me incredibly. Together we navigated the chronic issues I had at that time - severe asthma and allergies, various unexplainable pains throughout my body, hormone issues, fatigue, depression, mood swings. It took a few years, but I got well. I was able to wean off all my medications and eventually don a backpack and hit the trails. To my recollection, his osteopathic manipulations never involved deep tissue massage but rather subtle manipulations on my spine and limbs. I especially benefited from cranial sacral therapy. But, I didn't have nerve damage back then.

The contradictory information between my hand surgeon and the current osteopath isn't the main issue I have with the current osteopath; my issue is the communication aspect. I feel that the current osteopath has to put me in my place. There is an air of authoritarian ego. I picked up this ego-type signal at my first appointment with her, back in July. I set it aside, thinking the signal was just me with crossed wires projecting. But, the static has continued with each subsequent visit. I've considered and pondered that the problem could be me, maybe I'm not communicating well. Perhaps that's true.

But Carol...how many times have you been through this scenario dismissing your gut, giving yourself less credit, thinking another knows what is personally best for you? How often has that been the right thing to do, to go against your gut? How often has it been the wrong thing to do?

I was supposed to receive another osteopathic treatment yesterday, but I had questions and wanted to make sure I had communicated clearly regarding my symptoms and diagnosis. So instead of a treatment, I had a consultation with the osteopath. I think she took offense to my concerns.

The past week, I've taken to asking my heart to help me and guide my next moves in regard to my health. Part of that asking has been when I fall asleep. I say to myself, "I will recall from my dreams what I need to recall." Trying to tap my unconscious, thinking maybe therein I can find direction. It's helped before, why not now?

I have had three recurring dreams in the last five or so days. Each time, I am in a car, driving in reverse and the brakes do not work efficiently. With my foot I press the brake. It gives some resistance but not enough to stop the car. I am not traveling at a high speed, but still I can't stop going backwards and I can't stop the car with the brake.

The other night, in my dream, I was able to stop because I ran into another car. Last night, I was able to stop because I backed into a field of dense grass and the natural cushiony pillow of the thick grass stopped the car. I can't recall how or if I stopped the car in the first dream.

As my son picked me up yesterday from my osteopath manipulation-turned-to-consult appointment, he asked, "Is this doctor a narcissist?" I was taken aback by his question; I had shared absolutely nothing with him about any of my appointments and the red flags.

"Why on earth would you ask that?" I responded.

"The name of her practice, 'Chambre de la Vie.' What kind of doctor names their practice that?"

It is an odd name for a doctor's office.

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