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Prompt or not: a journey back
AWW ~ 1/14/15
~~~

Tuesday, January 13, 2015.

I open my eyes to greet the day. I am lying on my back in my king-size bed, alone. Hubby has already left for work.

As my eyes open, they see the ceiling. It hasn't changed since last night. Have I?

I breathe in deeply, then exhale.

I can breathe. That's good. There were years when drawing breath was an exploit.

I continue to lie on my back, arms by my side. Breathing in and out.

I lift my arms.

I can lift my arms. That's good. I'm not having to struggle. But Carol, you know that in five weeks, that will change. That is how life is now. You have six weeks of freedom, so to speak. Then, as the medicine wears off from the quarterly injections, your limbs will begin to wilt.

"Wilt." I haven't used that word before to describe my symptoms.

Remember the Saturday before your injections this round? As you walked in your slow, deliberate, careful gait along the sidewalk on Marshall Street there at the New Winston Museum, around the corner from Old Salem, your nerves felt so deadened. Your self said to your self, "I feel like I have a corpse tied to my body. Like in ancient times when, for punishment, a corpse would be tied to a prisoner. Except this corpse is mine."

It sounds so depressing. And it is. But it wasn't really a depressing thought at the time. It was descript, this "corpse." The description gave life to these deadened, blunted, yet sensitive-when-moved-or-touched-just-right nerves that help move me, as best they can, physically from one spot to another. How many miles of nerves are in the human body? I'll have to look it up sometime. The past three times I've received injections, I'm 3 to 4 pounds lighter within a day. I can feel the lightness. It's like my arms can float.

I breathe in again, as I lie in bed. Tuesday morning still awaits me. 

I lift my arms; they glide upward exciting molecules unseen to my eyes. 

I observe my arms as I stretch them perpendicular to my body and rotate my wrists round and round in the air above me. 

I feel trepidation as my mind momentarily thinks about my limbs and hands and feet five weeks from now.

But today isn't five weeks from now.
Today, I can lift my arms...

"O child in me 
                 awaken    
Remember to 
                    recall
The joy of virgin
                       witness
First time my eyes 
                           saw

Thrill to spy the ocean spray
   moon dictate the tide each day
Dig my toes in seashore surf
    drip sand castles along her turf
Watch the dolphin sail up high
     smile and sparkle in her eye

Heart's delight as snowflakes fall
   excitement hearing coyote's call
In wonderment watch the butterfly
    unfurl her wings at first flight
Hold tight a kite on a string
     feel the pull of wind unseen

O God I pray 
                 I never lose
Eyes to behold 
                  each day as new"

~~~
Note: The poem was written in 2007 and is entitled Child's View.