From my journal: 2/19/18
Thinking again about the feeling that I feel - that others really don't understand chronic illness and disability - at least others who don't live it day-in and day-out.
I can understand why we [the chronically ill (CI)] would sound like we are complaining.
Every day we manage symptoms.
They aren't just irritants or the feeling of being tired.
There is the looming reality that one will not get well.
It's not a matter of resting and feeling prolonged relief - or any relief at all.
It's a 24/7 job.
Always.
Think of it as if you have a disabled child or loved one - and that you are their caregiver.
It's 24/7.
But, you can take respite by hiring someone to help, or if someone volunteers to help.
That isn't the case when one is their own caregiver.
And every chronically ill person is their own caregiver.
Yes, they have help.
But they have to live and function in their body, 24/7.
They can't hire out for respite...
Hmmm...interesting.
I just realized I'm using 3rd person.
I wonder why?
Why do I not say "our" instead of "their."
Ahh...probably because I switched to an imagine, a "think of it as if."
But look.
I went from first person, to second person, to third person.
First person, "...the feeling I feel..."; and
first person, "...why we would sound..."; to
second person, "...as if you have..."; to
third person, "...when one is their own..."
It's like I'm distancing myself from it.
Is that in order to try to see it more objectively?
Or is it due to still not accepting that I am the CI of which I speak?
Or maybe it's just the flow of the narrative in trying to get to a way to articulate.
I really don't like the term "chronically ill."
February 20, 2018
February 18, 2018
Part of the reason...
February 18, 2018
The other day I read, "I used to be a people person...until people ruined it."
I thought, That describes me.
Part of the reason I avoid people these days is because...
No, I don't avoid them, do I?
"Limit" my contact...that's what I do.
But isn't that avoidance?
Part of the reason I "limit" my human contact these days is because I don't have the energy to deal with the possibility of being misread and then the probability of having an in-depth dissecting session to work through whatever misunderstanding took place.
But why do I even think that way - that interactions would/could result in misreadings?
Partly because of the human condition and what comes with relationships, though I don't think that alone would result in my current choice.
Partly because of witnessing and experiencing false and mistaken allegations directed at myself and others.
Partly from being the target in an attempted character assassination which contained outright fables.
The mistaken and false allegations originated mainly with people who held positions of supposedly trusted authority.
But...
I can't really blame others for my lessened desire for human contact.
I am the one making that choice.
Would I feel this way without the past, traumatic experiences - especially the attempted character assassination?
Would I feel this way if I was healthy, instead of constantly managing a chronic health adversity which takes most all my energy?
Perhaps I just don't have the energy for added human drama.
Life is dramatic enough without voluntarily adding more.
*~*
Another school shooting.
This time in Parkland, FL.
A high school.
Seventeen people dead - 14 students, 3 faculty.
Valentine's Day.
There is something very, very wrong in a culture where this continues and where the lawmakers seem to ignore it.
Schools should be safe spaces.
Churches should be safe havens.
How can anyone say access to firearms is not part of the problem?
The drug war. Part of the strategy lawmakers try to implement is to cut access to the drugs. One of the GOP's stomping points.
Limited access can yield fewer tragedies.
It doesn't solve the problem but may help decrease the carnage.
So why don't the majority(?) of the GOP think the same about guns?
At least regarding semi-automatic (aka self-loading) weapons, especially ones like the AR-15 which can be easily converted to an almost automatic weapon.
Limited access can yield fewer tragedies.
It doesn't solve the problem but may help decrease the carnage.
I've seen news clips and read articles about some Florida high school students who are leading the way for change. I applaud them and hope their efforts prompt definitive change. It's a huge project and, I imagine, will be a long haul.
Until such a time when reasonable prevention laws and strategies are enacted, security has to be increased. Like we've done in airports.
~*~
Summer/Fall, 2017
On my way home from the mountains.
Driving south on Hwy. 421, from Boone to Winston-Salem.
Nighttime.
Headlights and taillights dance on the dark canopy.
Right outside North Wilkesboro, a billboard catches my eye.
A giant photo of an AR-15 type rifle.
Oh god, I thought.
A billboard promoting gun rights.
With a photo of an assault rifle.
After all this is Wilkes County.
Rebel flags.
Self-made men and women.
Hearty stock.
Appalachia, not deep but at least on the borders.
Tobacco, moonshine, and wine country.
Bible belt where "God, guts, and guns made America free. Let's keep all three."
Birthplace of NASCAR, Lowes Hardware, Lowes Foods, Holly Farms, Northwestern Bank.
Home of MerleFest.
A county that has lost administrative and manufacturing jobs due to buy-outs or trade agreements...
I have a great respect for Appalachia folk and history.
And...the region is in my blood, literally.
But...I don't agree with the "god, guts, and guns" sentiment.
As the billboard comes into close view I discover I am dead wrong.
(Pardon the pun, or not.)
The billboard is not promoting gun rights.
Instead, alongside the giant photo of the semi-automatic rifle, the billboard states something like...
"Who will be next? Your kids? Your family?"
And something about supporting a ban on assault rifles.
Wow. Wonder who put that up in Wilkes County?
The next month when I drive through, some other sign is displayed on that billboard.
I can't recall now what it said.
~*~
Just dawned on me that Dad died in February.
Dad's family hailed partly from Yadkin County, next door to Wilkes.
I had to look up his exact death date - February 16, 1996.
Twenty-two years and two days ago.
I recall it vividly.
Life was different then.
February 16, 1996, fell on a Friday.
So did two days ago - February 16, 2018.
~*~
The other day I read, "I used to be a people person...until people ruined it."
I thought, That describes me.
Part of the reason I avoid people these days is because...
No, I don't avoid them, do I?
"Limit" my contact...that's what I do.
But isn't that avoidance?
Part of the reason I "limit" my human contact these days is because I don't have the energy to deal with the possibility of being misread and then the probability of having an in-depth dissecting session to work through whatever misunderstanding took place.
But why do I even think that way - that interactions would/could result in misreadings?
Partly because of the human condition and what comes with relationships, though I don't think that alone would result in my current choice.
Partly because of witnessing and experiencing false and mistaken allegations directed at myself and others.
Partly from being the target in an attempted character assassination which contained outright fables.
The mistaken and false allegations originated mainly with people who held positions of supposedly trusted authority.
But...
I can't really blame others for my lessened desire for human contact.
I am the one making that choice.
Would I feel this way without the past, traumatic experiences - especially the attempted character assassination?
Would I feel this way if I was healthy, instead of constantly managing a chronic health adversity which takes most all my energy?
Perhaps I just don't have the energy for added human drama.
Life is dramatic enough without voluntarily adding more.
*~*
Another school shooting.
This time in Parkland, FL.
A high school.
Seventeen people dead - 14 students, 3 faculty.
Valentine's Day.
There is something very, very wrong in a culture where this continues and where the lawmakers seem to ignore it.
Schools should be safe spaces.
Churches should be safe havens.
How can anyone say access to firearms is not part of the problem?
The drug war. Part of the strategy lawmakers try to implement is to cut access to the drugs. One of the GOP's stomping points.
Limited access can yield fewer tragedies.
It doesn't solve the problem but may help decrease the carnage.
So why don't the majority(?) of the GOP think the same about guns?
At least regarding semi-automatic (aka self-loading) weapons, especially ones like the AR-15 which can be easily converted to an almost automatic weapon.
Limited access can yield fewer tragedies.
It doesn't solve the problem but may help decrease the carnage.
I've seen news clips and read articles about some Florida high school students who are leading the way for change. I applaud them and hope their efforts prompt definitive change. It's a huge project and, I imagine, will be a long haul.
Until such a time when reasonable prevention laws and strategies are enacted, security has to be increased. Like we've done in airports.
~*~
Summer/Fall, 2017
On my way home from the mountains.
Driving south on Hwy. 421, from Boone to Winston-Salem.
Nighttime.
Headlights and taillights dance on the dark canopy.
Right outside North Wilkesboro, a billboard catches my eye.
A giant photo of an AR-15 type rifle.
Oh god, I thought.
A billboard promoting gun rights.
With a photo of an assault rifle.
After all this is Wilkes County.
Rebel flags.
Self-made men and women.
Hearty stock.
Appalachia, not deep but at least on the borders.
Tobacco, moonshine, and wine country.
Bible belt where "God, guts, and guns made America free. Let's keep all three."
Birthplace of NASCAR, Lowes Hardware, Lowes Foods, Holly Farms, Northwestern Bank.
Home of MerleFest.
A county that has lost administrative and manufacturing jobs due to buy-outs or trade agreements...
I have a great respect for Appalachia folk and history.
And...the region is in my blood, literally.
But...I don't agree with the "god, guts, and guns" sentiment.
As the billboard comes into close view I discover I am dead wrong.
(Pardon the pun, or not.)
The billboard is not promoting gun rights.
Instead, alongside the giant photo of the semi-automatic rifle, the billboard states something like...
"Who will be next? Your kids? Your family?"
And something about supporting a ban on assault rifles.
Wow. Wonder who put that up in Wilkes County?
The next month when I drive through, some other sign is displayed on that billboard.
I can't recall now what it said.
~*~
Just dawned on me that Dad died in February.
Dad's family hailed partly from Yadkin County, next door to Wilkes.
I had to look up his exact death date - February 16, 1996.
Twenty-two years and two days ago.
I recall it vividly.
Life was different then.
February 16, 1996, fell on a Friday.
So did two days ago - February 16, 2018.
~*~
February 2, 2018
Precarious Prayer
I've contemplated for years about what to say to people when they are going through hard times.
In my Bible-believing days I'd offer to pray for them - an ongoing silent prayer and out-loud prayer in the moment.
Now, as an agnostic, I often say that I'm sending good (or healing or whatever adjective meets the moment) thoughts and/or vibes. One time I said that to someone who reached out to me via private message on Facebook asking for prayer. They were apparently offended. They responded with something like, "We need prayer, not good thoughts." I think I responded with a simple, "Okay."
Currently one of my pet-sitting clients is going through the heart-wrenching process of the decision regarding at what point to euthanize her beloved dog. She's a Christian, so I told her that she and the family would be in my thoughts and prayers.
Almost immediately, thoughts began looping through my head. Is that hypocritical? To say I'll be praying for her? Are you just trying to not offend her since she is a Christian? What is the proper way to respond to stuff like this? You have contemplated this for years. Shouldn't you have an opinion by now? Shouldn't you know how to respond by now?
I pondered on it a bit and concluded, You aren't being hypocritical. You are being kind. You do send heartfelt thoughts/feelings. Aren't your "sending thoughts" a type of "prayer?" But if you say "sending prayers" to a Christian, won't they think you are sending prayers as a Christian? But that would be their assumption. If they ask, then I'd tell them I'm agnostic and that I consider my vibes and thoughts to the universe as a type of prayer.
I felt, and feel, comfortable with that answer.
I looked up the word "prayer," it's definition and etymology, in an online English dictionary.
The first definition is: "a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship."
Well. I do kind of worship nature or the universe. I don't know if I exactly "worship" it. But I hold it in great awe and respect. I talk to trees and animals and clouds and whatever I think might be listening. And I feel great gratitude toward nature, the earth, her waters and resources and creatures. I wish beings like gnomes and fairies were real. I play with those kind of thoughts. So, my use of the word "prayer" gets close to "a solemn request addressed to an object of worship."
I thought of an incident when a friend (who leans toward New Age beliefs) shared that if someone asks them if they are saved, they reply, "Yes." But their definition of "saved" is different from the Christian definition. However, they don't bring that up in their answer.
Are they being disingenuous because they know the other person is asking from a biblical perspective? I don't think so. They are avoiding a possibly long, drawn-out, energy-draining dialog. If the other person would ask how they got saved and when, I wonder how my friend would respond? I'm guessing they'd define their term for "saved," or maybe they'd just say it's not something they prefer to discuss at that moment.
I may ask them next time we talk, if I remember to ask.
I thought the etymology of "prayer" would be from the word "praise." But it's not, at least not directly. However the two words appear to share some commonalities.
The etymologies for "prayer" and "praise" are:
Precarius, from the Latin, is part of the etymology of the word "prayer." Of course I thought of the English word, "precarious." So I looked up the etymology of "precarious." It also derives from precarius.
The first definition of the English word "precarious" is "not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse." The second definition is "dependent on chance; uncertain."
"Precarious" and "prayer."
Both have roots in precarius.
Yet in their journey, one word means to entreat of a higher power with expectation of an answer.
The other means to view something as uncertain, dependent on chance and circumstance.
Precarious prayer.
Uncertain entreaty.
But aren't most entreaties uncertain?
At least in various degrees of uncertainty.
And then there is the belief about claiming an outcome in the name of Jesus Christ. In other words, it's not really an entreaty but a demand based on what the Bible says Jesus has already accomplished for the believer. The believer just needs to believe it, claim it, and act like they have already received it.
For years in my true-believer daze, I claimed Bible promises.
Sometimes it worked; other times it didn't.
That fits precarious - "dependent on chance; uncertain."
In my Bible-believing days I'd offer to pray for them - an ongoing silent prayer and out-loud prayer in the moment.
Now, as an agnostic, I often say that I'm sending good (or healing or whatever adjective meets the moment) thoughts and/or vibes. One time I said that to someone who reached out to me via private message on Facebook asking for prayer. They were apparently offended. They responded with something like, "We need prayer, not good thoughts." I think I responded with a simple, "Okay."
Currently one of my pet-sitting clients is going through the heart-wrenching process of the decision regarding at what point to euthanize her beloved dog. She's a Christian, so I told her that she and the family would be in my thoughts and prayers.
Almost immediately, thoughts began looping through my head. Is that hypocritical? To say I'll be praying for her? Are you just trying to not offend her since she is a Christian? What is the proper way to respond to stuff like this? You have contemplated this for years. Shouldn't you have an opinion by now? Shouldn't you know how to respond by now?
I pondered on it a bit and concluded, You aren't being hypocritical. You are being kind. You do send heartfelt thoughts/feelings. Aren't your "sending thoughts" a type of "prayer?" But if you say "sending prayers" to a Christian, won't they think you are sending prayers as a Christian? But that would be their assumption. If they ask, then I'd tell them I'm agnostic and that I consider my vibes and thoughts to the universe as a type of prayer.
I felt, and feel, comfortable with that answer.
I looked up the word "prayer," it's definition and etymology, in an online English dictionary.
The first definition is: "a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship."
Well. I do kind of worship nature or the universe. I don't know if I exactly "worship" it. But I hold it in great awe and respect. I talk to trees and animals and clouds and whatever I think might be listening. And I feel great gratitude toward nature, the earth, her waters and resources and creatures. I wish beings like gnomes and fairies were real. I play with those kind of thoughts. So, my use of the word "prayer" gets close to "a solemn request addressed to an object of worship."
I thought of an incident when a friend (who leans toward New Age beliefs) shared that if someone asks them if they are saved, they reply, "Yes." But their definition of "saved" is different from the Christian definition. However, they don't bring that up in their answer.
Are they being disingenuous because they know the other person is asking from a biblical perspective? I don't think so. They are avoiding a possibly long, drawn-out, energy-draining dialog. If the other person would ask how they got saved and when, I wonder how my friend would respond? I'm guessing they'd define their term for "saved," or maybe they'd just say it's not something they prefer to discuss at that moment.
I may ask them next time we talk, if I remember to ask.
I thought the etymology of "prayer" would be from the word "praise." But it's not, at least not directly. However the two words appear to share some commonalities.
The etymologies for "prayer" and "praise" are:
prayer: c. 1300, from Old French prier "prayer, petition, request" (12c., Modern French prière), from Medieval Latin precaria "petition, prayer," noun use of Latin adjective precaria, fem. of precarius "obtained by prayer, given as a favor," from precari "to ask, beg, pray" (from PIE root *prek- "to ask, entreat").
praise: c. 1300, "to laud, commend, flatter," from Old French preisier, variant of prisier "to praise, value," from Late Latin preciare, earlier pretiare, from Latin pretium "reward, prize, value, worth," from PIE *pret-yo-, suffixed form of *pret-, extended form of root *per- (5) "to traffic in, to sell." Replaced Old English lof, hreþ.
praise: c. 1300, "to laud, commend, flatter," from Old French preisier, variant of prisier "to praise, value," from Late Latin preciare, earlier pretiare, from Latin pretium "reward, prize, value, worth," from PIE *pret-yo-, suffixed form of *pret-, extended form of root *per- (5) "to traffic in, to sell." Replaced Old English lof, hreþ.
Precarius, from the Latin, is part of the etymology of the word "prayer." Of course I thought of the English word, "precarious." So I looked up the etymology of "precarious." It also derives from precarius.
precarious: 1640s, a legal word, "held through the favor of another," from Latin precarius "obtained by asking or praying," from prex (genitive precis) "entreaty, prayer" (from PIE root *prek- "to ask, entreat"). Notion of "dependent on the will of another" led to extended sense "risky, dangerous, uncertain" (1680s). "No word is more unskillfully used than this with its derivatives. It is used for uncertain in all its senses; but it only means uncertain, as dependent on others ..." [Johnson]. Related: Precariously; precariousness.
The first definition of the English word "precarious" is "not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse." The second definition is "dependent on chance; uncertain."
"Precarious" and "prayer."
Both have roots in precarius.
Yet in their journey, one word means to entreat of a higher power with expectation of an answer.
The other means to view something as uncertain, dependent on chance and circumstance.
Precarious prayer.
Uncertain entreaty.
But aren't most entreaties uncertain?
At least in various degrees of uncertainty.
And then there is the belief about claiming an outcome in the name of Jesus Christ. In other words, it's not really an entreaty but a demand based on what the Bible says Jesus has already accomplished for the believer. The believer just needs to believe it, claim it, and act like they have already received it.
For years in my true-believer daze, I claimed Bible promises.
Sometimes it worked; other times it didn't.
That fits precarious - "dependent on chance; uncertain."