Joy, Gratitude, & HeARTfelt Tokens

A coupleish weeks ago, I read the words, "How do you find joy?"

However, a week later I ran across the  question again and realized my brain had mis-remembered the question. I had turned "How do you find joy?" into "What brings you joy?"

When I realized my mind had made the switch from "how" to "what," I thought,

Those are two different questions. In one I'm looking/searching for joy. The other is more passive, for lack of a better word; something brings me joy even though I may not be looking for it. If I'm aware in that moment, I'll recognize it and my heart will be uplifted.

I think at the top of my list for "how" is:

• Bringing to my mind's eye scenes from my good memory bank and feeling the scene in my heart. I often tell my self, "I did that,'" or "That really happened."

The "how," (which is also the "what") also brought to mind Victor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, and part of how he survived the camps. If I recall correctly, three of the things he engaged were good memories from his life before the camps, doing pick-up theatre and singing with his fellow prisoners in their quarters as long as mean guards weren't around, and watching sunsets and/or sunrises.

All this pondering got me to thinking of how joy feels. 

How does one describe joy?

Gratitude always seems a part of joy.

Other feelings that came to mind regarding joy are awe, wonder, largeness of life, freedom to be and to give and to receive. I may be expanding it too far, but it's fun to think about.

Some of my whats are:

• Riding my bike through woods and meadows and fields.
• Nature. Wildlife. Trees. Creeks and rivers and rocks of all sizes. Sky and clouds and the heavens.
• Hearing from my adult children. Sharing conversation & memories. Roasting marshmallows around a campfire.
• Music. Dancing with the rhythms. Singing along. Making up songs. Playing my drum or tapping out beats with my fingers and feet. 
• Peoples' stories. From serendipitous meetings with "strangers." From friends and family and history of all sorts. Every day life stories and stories of survival and endurance in the face of overwhelming hardships.
• Good memories. Not just thinking about them, but feeling them. Going back into the scene. Savoring them. Sometimes they prompt me to action. "Get up and go ride your bike Carol. Or call Son or Daughter. Or just go be with nature. You'll feel better for it."

As serendipity would have it, about an hour after I wrote the above on May 18th, 2021, I read the paragraph below, written by Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. It's an excerpt from the Foreward of the book The Fear Cure by Lissa Rankin, M.D. 

...The opposite of fear is joy. I had thought that joy was the same as happiness, but joy is far more durable than happiness. The capacity for joy seems to come from an unconditional relationship to life, a willingness to show up and meet with whatever is there. It is an openness that takes us beyond the wish to control life to the capacity to celebrate life. It moves us from an adversarial relationship toward life to the experience of mystery and wonder which is at the heart of life. Ultimately it can heal us... 

~Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. 

~*~*

Around my home and in my car, I keep heartful tokens -- small inanimates, which aren't small to my heart -- to help me along my journey of life. Reminders. 

This morning (5/20/21) as I performed my balance and strengthening stretches, I was again reminded of joy. On my wall is my focal point when doing certain stretches.

It's a combo of two different art pieces hanging on the same wall-nail:

1. A wood-burning & macrame that I made some 40+ years ago
2. A "Mosaic WHIMSEY" by Art-o-mat artist Janie Reavis-Cox

And while doing my stretches this morning accompanied by music from one of my Pandora stations, this song came on.  My joy and my gratitude merged quite nicely. :) 

Ten Years

In 2018, I read most of a book titled Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin, MD. I forget what exactly prompted me to buy the hardcover book, but it must have been my preview reading of it on Amazon. 

Used to be, in more brick-and-mortar bookstore days, I'd frequent Borders and peruse the bookshelf. When a book called or whispered to me, I'd sit on the floor cross-legged, open the book and scan it and decide whether or not it was worth a deeper read. If it was, I'd pick out a comfy, upholstered chair and read sections of the book, and then buy it...or not. If I had to rein in my desire to start underlining or writing in the margins, it was a definite buy, depending on cost. 

I still prefer hardcopy to screens. I like inking up a book. Underlining sentences. Marking up paragraphs. Writing notes in margins. And turning pages. And bookmarks; I like bookmarks. 

I put away Dr. Rankin's book when I got to the part of the exercise at the end of the book about writing my prescription when it asked if I believed I could get well, or something like that. I couldn't go any further. I hit a wall.

I think part of the hit was my Way conditioning, about their "law of believing." 

Sure, I want to believe I can get well. But how would what I believe make any difference on the outcome? I have to let go of the outcome, which is something I've been learning for years now. And it brings me peace. 

Dad was rendered a quadriplegic the last 12-1/2 years of his life. A C-4 sever from a head-on automobile collision. I'm sure he wanted his body back; he even underwent experimental surgery to help that possibility. Does that not indicate that he was "believing?" To say he wasn't able to "believe big enough" (something Way doctrine promulgates, in part or whole) makes my stomach turn. But yet, could it be possible for the body to regrow severed nerves if the right physiological chemistry prompted such? Or, if a person could live long enough for regrowth to happen?

Regardless, Dad did "believe big." Way terms; ugh. I'd rather say he "meaningfully endured." His attitude to continue on astounds me now. I mean, it astounded me then. But now that I'm the age-range of when much of his bodily & limb functions stopped working and after living ten years with polyradiculitis, it astounds me more. Mom too, in her care of him. It really is something, heroic even.

So, back to me. In 2018, I just couldn't get past that belief question. 

But in mid-2020, I looked into Dr. Rankin's work more deeply. Again, I can't recall what prompted that. I learned she doesn't teach the "law of believing." I think I'm accurate in saying that she teaches there is something to believing, but to say it is a law (like the "law of attraction") can be harmful. I agree with that. 

Through the past year or so, I've wondered... 

Is my body set up on a pattern where it says "It's six weeks now; you need another injection of steroids." Could it be a neural pathway that is psychological, but causes physiological changes and symptoms? If so, can I break from that pathway? Can I help my body make a new path? 

The heavy metal ions in my blood are down, though there may still be some in my tissues that are dumping. After getting my mercury levels down in 2000, it took until 2005 before I was "well." But I did do low-heat saunas then to sweat out any mercury that might be stored in my tissues. It's not been five years yet since getting the cobalt and chromium down. I can't do saunas now because of Covid. The terbinafine is completely out of my system; I don't think it was the main culprit anyway. But I was younger then too, and that could be a factor.  

And now it's 2021. April marked my 10-year anniversary from the onset of polyradiculitis. That hit me pretty hard in March and April. 

In March I started attending one of Dr. Rankin's Zoom courses, Healing with the Muse, that meets two-to-three times a month. I love them. I like being able to attend them live because of the interaction and community. But if I can't attend, there is a playback.

(More to come...eventually...maybe)

My current re-quest....

I posted this blog entry on May 12th. On May 13th, I put it back in draft. I felt too vulnerable, or maybe like I was trying to prove something.

I've edited and re-edited this blog entry and My Story below. 

My mental chatters have been (among others): Do I repost it? Do I leave it in draft? I don't know. My blog's not on search engines, so it's not like it'll be picked up. I don't get many hits, even if search was enabled. But it is still public. 

Anyway, I'm gonna post it again, in it's edited form.  I feel better about it, more genuine I think. Maybe I'll keep it on my blog this time. Ha.

I am on a "re-quest" ...a quest again. I say that in reference back to my healing days in my previous chronic illness life. It's pretty incredible that I got well then. Can it happen again, even at my age? 

April, 2021, was my 10-year anniversary of the onset of polyradiculitis. That reality hit me hard in March and April. The past ten years have been a tough trek, and I think I've learned a lot but don't know yet how to share it. And I may never know how, or if I do I may decide not to share, at least publicly. Time will tell. 

I have had significant improvement in the past three years for which I'm grateful ...and humbled by.

I posted the following on a forum for Mind Body Syndrome (MBS), aka Tension Myositis [or Myoneural] Syndrome (TMS), under My Story in the member's profile section; I didn't post it as a public thread.

~*~*~*~*

My Story

In 2000, Dr. Sarno's book Healing Back Pain, along with Dr. Schechter's TMS home education and journaling program, (supported by my then-doctor) guided me so that my body was able to completely eliminate pain & spasms from a herniated disc which had not responded to physical therapy, muscle relaxers, or steroid injections, and that had been confirmed w/an MRI.

I'm currently navigating new issues & am again doing Dr. Schechter's home program.

I think I am a combo TMSer. But even if I can eliminate at least some of the symptoms via a mind-body program, then my heart-mind-brain-body will have more energy to address a neurological issue that began in 2011...and maybe, just maybe, heal that too. I want to believe that is so.

I was gonna stop my story here, but more decided to come off my fingertips. So a cursory overview is below. It's a much longer story, of course.

I may add to my story below as I continue on my self-healing journey.

Thanks to anyone who reads this,

~Carol

~*~*~

The neurological issue is a rare type of peripheral neuropathy, polyradiculitis, which means multiple nerve roots are swollen at the spinal cord. For me, my lumbar and cervical roots are inflamed. So all my limbs, extremities, back, neck, and jaws are/have been affected. Polyradiculitis is typically associated with Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy (CIDP) and Guillain-Barré syndrome. I have neither of those, but have/have had the same symptoms.

Onset was in spring 2011 after I'd been on oral terbinafine (Lamisil) for 5/6 weeks (which I promptly stopped). First diagnosis was idiopathic edema. Second diagnosis was a serum-sickness-like response to oral terbinafine. I was put on up-and-down titrating, low-dose daily prednisone which helped control symptoms. Prognosis was that I should be better within 18 months. Eighteen months came and went, but I was only worse.

Also, a series of emotionally traumatic events occurred beginning August, 2010, culminating in January, 2014. I had filed a formal complaint on my then-licensed, (now ex-) mental health therapist of two years for boundary violations (none were sexual).  In 2012, I was a witness for the state at his licensing board hearing. In January, 2014, the board made its ruling; the therapist's license was revoked. (Link: Therapist Abuse) Through that time I hired a cognitive psychologist who had previously helped me. And I again did Dr. Schechter's home program in 2011/2012/2013 but without success.

Finally in 2013, after two years and eight doctors, I received a proper diagnosis of polyradiculitis. Treatment was and is corticosteroids: lumbar epidurals, cervical trigger point injections, and daily low-dose prednisone which I titrate up and down between my every six-week injections. Without the injections I probably would have ended up bedridden.

(I had taken a lot of prednisone decades previously due to allergies and asthma which I overcame via integrative and mind-body approaches. That story is here: Healing the Soul, Healing the Body.)

In June, 2016, we discovered that a hip implant I'd received in 2008 (due to bone deterioration from steroids for asthma) had been leaching cobalt and chromium into my body; this is known as metallosis. Heavy metals can cause or worsen nerve damage. (Mercury toxicity was a factor in my allergies and asthma in previous decades. So this isn't my first heavy-metal rodeo.)

After discovering the leaching metals, I thought (regarding the onset of polyradiculitis), It was the perfect storm. The leaching metals, the therapist abuse, and my body's reaction to the terbinafine. Without the terbinafine or the therapist abuse, would the metals have wreaked as much havoc?

The defective implant was removed and replaced in August, 2016.

My heavy metal ion levels in my blood were down within a couple years of the explant-and-implant-replacement surgery, but there may still be some heavy metals stored in my tissues. Since getting the levels down, though I still need a daily low dose of prednisone and steroid injections every six weeks (alternating cervical trigger points and lumbar epidurals), we've been able to reduce the amount of steroids in my injections and reduce the number of cervical injections. Plus...I have improved, incrementally but significantly. One example: For years, I couldn't lift a soda can to my mouth; the can was too heavy. Symptoms of weakness and fatigue have been worse than pain symptoms. I'm beyond grateful I can use my arms again.

My whole life changed due to the nerve damage. Many losses: social life; my pet-sitting business; being able to do things like cook, clean, and shop. Dressing and bathing were exhausting tasks; sometimes my husband had to help me. I had to give up backpacking and, for the most part, hiking. I had a goal to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail before all this happened. But I discovered I could ride a bike, which became my salvation, so to speak.

In latter 2019, I began having shortness of breath after an emotionally traumatic series of events. My doctor ruled out heart and lung issues. So we approached it from an anxiety standpoint, and I thought I was handling it okay. But in May, 2020, I began having thoracic pain and have had 3 spasms (the last one in March, 2021), and the shortness of breath worsened. We ruled out Covid and organ and structural issues. And my bloodwork is good. I had my yearly EMG and NCS in April, 2021, and I'm holding steady, not getting any worse which has been the case for a few years. The neurologist emphasizes how good and important that is.

So....

The thoracic pain and breathing issues prompted me to again do Dr. Schechter's home program which I began in April, 2021. The thoracic pain and breathing have improved, along with some hip-area pain and weakness where I've had the two implant surgeries.

The hip-area improvement has surprised me, and I am thrilled.

My surgeon had said I may always have trouble with that hip area due to all the trauma it's endured. I recently realized that I think I've believed that...but there is an opposite of that: I may also NOT have trouble with it. So, I've been working on changing my possible belief, and that hip area seems to be faring better....which I really wasn't expecting.

I'm on a continued radical self-healing journey, or something like that. I'm working to not be overconcerned about my symptoms, about the  outcome, or about the "work."

My plan (as of May 10, 2021):

~I have finished reading Dr. Schechter's book, Think Away Your Pain, and will finish his Mindbody Workbook journaling program by May 15, 2021.

~On May 9th, I began reading Dr. Schubiner's book, Unlearn Your Pain, and will apply his approach and workbook after I finish Dr. Schechter's.

~ I will continue with Dr. Lissa Rankin's two-to-three times a month Zoom course (which I started in early March), Healing with the Muse, and am attending her 6-week Zoom course, Rebirth, 2021.

~My chiropractor/homeopath/nutritionist/functional medical doctor is all in with me and has agreed to be my face-to-face Mind Body Syndrome coach. (I've been his patient since 2002.)

~My other docs and wellness practitioners are supportive of my approach.

~I am not giving up medicines or other aids until it is safe to do so. What if that actually happens? Well, if/when it does... Wow, just wow. It's happened before...

Thanks again...

Love, light, peace, and wholeness to all...

~Carol

*~*~*