Connection...

Some minutes ago, I powered up my laptop to compose some thoughts on life before the internet, before cell phones, before cordless phones, before central air. 

"Party lines" existed; one could listen in on their neighbor's phone calls. 

Folks opened windows for airflow through their homes; they could listen in on outside conversations and, Lord forbid, on inside talks if folks hollered loud enough and their windows too were open, or not.

We didn't lock the doors of our houses; anyone could walk right in. 

Anyway, when I powered up my laptop I discovered something I wrote a couple weeks ago about isolation and connection -- two subjects that tie right in with communication, now and past. 

I think folks were less isolated pastly than nowly. 

Life-past was lived mostly 3D, which of itself brings more connection; more senses are involved. 

~*~

June 15, 2020, thoughts...

Isolation

The marine vet

Raven Rock Overlook, 2019

He asked how I dealt with doing so much solo

How to live with a feeling of isolation

At the time I didn't have any concrete answers

Seems I may have said something about finding connection

Which I had found with nature

But now, I think I have a more concrete answer

Though part of it is embarrassing, but then not

Because I think it is probably an innate human response

Think Wilson in the movie Castaway

Some may say,

"Carol you haven't experienced isolation

You have a husband

You go out biking and meet people on your journeys"

These things are true

And I am thankful for them

I am married; I do not live alone

I often ride my bike and sometimes meet people

My isolation?

Around 2015 I had to, for the most part, drop our of social life

Fatigue was overwhelming

Due to my health adversities

Energy had to go into surviving another day

My isolation?

I've never met anyone, in 10 years, who has my medical condition

Which is a major factor in feeling isolated 

The closet have been folks with MS

But I don't have MS

And then, how many folks with MS ride a bicycle?

I've met one person  online

And he gets 'it' more than others, I think

'It''...how a person with atrophied muscles from inhibited nerve function

Can ride a bike

I used to feel I had to explain 'it' to everyone I met on the trail

And sometimes I did, if I had the cognitive function to do so

If not, I'd still try to have that conversation in my head

Probably more for explaining 'it' to myself

Processing

My isolation?

I left a cult in 2005

To which I'd been loyal for 28 years

To which I'd committed my money, time, soul, beliefs

Left behind those connections

But I found connections in the ex-and-anti-cult community

Some of those were reconnections with old friends

But then I left that community after I got falsely accused 

What a mess

I'd defended a guy on the anticult forum 

Who was falsely (or at least mistakenly) accused

I knew he was, because I was his supposed target for his supposed lies

Which weren't lies

Hubby and I even met 3D with the guy, multiple times

I later met 3D with the third party he had supposedly posed as in 2D

Which he hadn't 

Messy, messy

Later folks on a couple anticult forums were told I'd given the falsely-accused guy 

Access to the anticult's secret women's forum

And that I'd shared the women's secrets with him

I didn't do either of those things

I was guilty of telling the falsely-accused dude that a secret women's forum existed

Which I wasn't supposed to reveal

That was part of the agreement when a woman joined the forum

And I had hesitantly joined some months earlier

So I probably shouldn't have told the dude

But I did

I did tell someone on the forum I had done so

And asked their opinion if I should tell the forum administrator

They thought 'no'

And I agreed

So I didn't say anything

In hindsight

I wish I had

I also told the falsely-accused guy

That the guy who had falsely (or at least mistakenly) accused him

Had launched the secret forum for the women 

And that the launcher-accuser was the only male who had access

So the falsely-accused guy interpreted that as perverted

But I didn't think the launcher looked at the forum

Unless there was technical difficulty

I'm getting way off track here

Explaining back story

Which I'm not explaining well at all

It was messy and complicated

Soap opera style

Suffice it to say

I was kicked out of the secret women's forum 

And left the anti-cult forum

Outcast

From the cult

And now its anti-counterpart

Isolation 

Then I got involved in broader "cult-recovery"

With my then-mental health therapist

He called me an "activist"

I'd never considered myself an "activist" for anything

After two years

And still his client

He accused me of things

That I had no idea I had done 

Because I had not done them

But he was my mental health therapist

And I doubted my own perceptions

Could I actually be guilty of what he said?

He harmfully cut me off

Slash

After much deliberation and mental torment

And learning his behavior was a pattern

He'd done similar ten years prior

Before he had his counseling license

I filed a professional complaint

With his state licensing board

A year later

Therapist tried to smear my character online

Using outright fables based on my past

Which he knew well

Some people, many perhaps, believed him

Outcast

From the cult

From cult's anti-counterpart

And now the broader cult-recovery field

Isolation

But then 

Connection

One of Therapist's past clients contacted me

Therapist had harmed them in worse ways than I

They thanked me for filing the complaint

And following through

The ex-client was able to reconcile with a close relative

Whom the client had cut off

Due to Therapist's twisted analysis

And that made it all worth it

"It" being the complaint 

And the attempted smear

And all its repercussions

Internally and externally

But by the time "worth-it" had landed

Therapist's character smear of me

Had already done its damage

In the public arena

Fourteen months later I was a witness for the state  

At Therapist's state licensing board hearing

To which he didn't show

Another fourteen months later

Therapist's license was revoked

The ex-client again thanked me

Along with a few other folks

Who were privy to the situation

And who had experienced harm

At the therapist's emotional-lashings

And that was that

So, yeah 

I've had to live with isolation

At least the internal kind

And some external 

What helps me?

Let me list some ways...

Music and singing and dance

Connecting with the awe of nature

Befriending trees and wildlife

Talking life over with my self

Finding purpose in the smallest of things...

Like laying my parrot-print throw on the foot of our bed so that the parrots are flying out the window

Naming and talking with inanimate objects...

Adult Groot Art-o-mat block

Bicycles, Olivia and Blue

1999 Ford Explorer, Sir Edward

Rolling walker, The Phoenix

And (the most embarrassing) the bath back-brush

I haven't given the bath-brush a name. 

That feels I'm taking it a bit too far.

But who knows?

Whatever helps.

Almost daily, if not every day, I talk with

The magnificent creation of nature 

In which the circle of life happens

Expressing my deepest gratitude

Discovering connection is key...