June 28, 2021

Connection...

Some minutes ago, I powered up my laptop to compose some thoughts on life before the internet, before cell phones, before cordless phones, before central air. 

"Party lines" existed; one could listen in on their neighbor's phone calls. 
Folks opened windows for airflow through their homes; they could listen in on outside conversations and, Lord forbid, on inside talks if folks hollered loud enough and their windows too were open, or not.
We didn't lock the doors of our houses; anyone could walk right in. 

Anyway, when I powered up my laptop I discovered something I wrote a couple weeks ago about isolation and connection -- two subjects that tie right in with communication, now and past. 

I think folks were less isolated pastly than nowly. 
Life-past was lived mostly 3D, which of itself brings more connection; more senses are involved. 

~*~
June 15, 2020, thoughts...

Isolation
The marine vet
Raven Rock Overlook, 2019
He asked how I dealt with doing so much solo
How to live with a feeling of isolation

At the time I didn't have any concrete answers
Seems I may have said something about finding connection
Which I had found with nature

But now, I think I have a more concrete answer
Though part of it is embarrassing, but then not
Because I think it is probably an innate human response
Think Wilson in the movie Castaway

Some may say,
"Carol you haven't experienced isolation
You have a husband
You go out biking and meet people on your journeys"

These things are true
And I am thankful for them
I am married; I do not live alone
I often ride my bike and sometimes meet people

My isolation?
Around 2015 I had to, for the most part, drop our of social life
Fatigue was overwhelming
Due to my health adversities
Energy had to go into surviving another day

My isolation?
I've never met anyone, in 10 years, who has my medical condition
Which is a major factor in feeling isolated 
The closet have been folks with MS
But I don't have MS

And then, how many folks with MS ride a bicycle?
I've met one person  online
And he gets 'it' more than others, I think
'It''...how a person with atrophied muscles from inhibited nerve function
Can ride a bike
I used to feel I had to explain 'it' to everyone I met on the trail
And sometimes I did, if I had the cognitive function to do so
If not, I'd still try to have that conversation in my head
Probably more for explaining 'it' to myself
Processing

My isolation?
I left a cult in 2005
To which I'd been loyal for 28 years
To which I'd committed my money, time, soul, beliefs
Left behind those connections
But I found connections in the ex-and-anti-cult community
Some of those were reconnections with old friends
But then I left that community after I got falsely accused 
What a mess

I'd defended a guy on the anticult forum 
Who was falsely (or at least mistakenly) accused
I knew he was, because I was his supposed target for his supposed lies
Which weren't lies
Hubby and I even met 3D with the guy, multiple times
I later met 3D with the third party he had supposedly posed as in 2D
Which he hadn't 
Messy, messy

Later folks on a couple anticult forums were told I'd given the falsely-accused guy 
Access to the anticult's secret women's forum
And that I'd shared the women's secrets with him
I didn't do either of those things
was guilty of telling the falsely-accused dude that a secret women's forum existed
Which I wasn't supposed to reveal
That was part of the agreement when a woman joined the forum
And I had hesitantly joined some months earlier
So I probably shouldn't have told the dude
But I did
I did tell someone on the forum I had done so
And asked their opinion if I should tell the forum administrator
They thought 'no'
And I agreed
So I didn't say anything
In hindsight
I wish I had

I also told the falsely-accused guy
That the guy who had falsely (or at least mistakenly) accused him
Had launched the secret forum for the women 
And that the launcher-accuser was the only male who had access
So the falsely-accused guy interpreted that as perverted
But I didn't think the launcher looked at the forum
Unless there was technical difficulty

I'm getting way off track here
Explaining back story
Which I'm not explaining well at all
It was messy and complicated
Soap opera style

Suffice it to say
I was kicked out of the secret women's forum 
And left the anti-cult forum

Outcast
From the cult
And now its anti-counterpart
Isolation 

Then I got involved in broader "cult-recovery"
With my then-mental health therapist
He called me an "activist"
I'd never considered myself an "activist" for anything

After two years
And still his client
He accused me of things
That I had no idea I had done 
Because I had not done them
But he was my mental health therapist
And I doubted my own perceptions
Could I actually be guilty of what he said?

He harmfully cut me off
Slash

After much deliberation and mental torment
And learning his behavior was a pattern
He'd done similar ten years prior
Before he had his counseling license
I filed a professional complaint
With his state licensing board

A year later
Therapist tried to smear my character online
Using outright fables based on my past
Which he knew well
Some people, many perhaps, believed him

Outcast
From the cult
From cult's anti-counterpart
And now the broader cult-recovery field
Isolation

But then 
Connection
One of Therapist's past clients contacted me
Therapist had harmed them in worse ways than I
They thanked me for filing the complaint
And following through
The ex-client was able to reconcile with a close relative
Whom the client had cut off
Due to Therapist's twisted analysis

And that made it all worth it
"It" being the complaint 
And the attempted smear
And all its repercussions
Internally and externally
But by the time "worth-it" had landed
Therapist's character smear of me
Had already done its damage
In the public arena

Fourteen months later I was a witness for the state  
At Therapist's state licensing board hearing
To which he didn't show

Another fourteen months later
Therapist's license was revoked

The ex-client again thanked me
Along with a few other folks
Who were privy to the situation
And who had experienced harm
At the therapist's emotional-lashings

And that was that

So, yeah 
I've had to live with isolation
At least the internal kind
And some external 

What helps me?
Let me list some ways...

Music and singing and dance
Connecting with the awe of nature
Befriending trees and wildlife
Talking life over with my self

Finding purpose in the smallest of things...
Like laying my parrot-print throw on the foot of our bed so that the parrots are flying out the window

Naming and talking with inanimate objects...
Adult Groot Art-o-mat block
Bicycles, Olivia and Blue
1999 Ford Explorer, Sir Edward
Rolling walker, The Phoenix
And (the most embarrassing) the bath back-brush

I haven't given the bath-brush a name. 
That feels I'm taking it a bit too far.
But who knows?
Whatever helps.

Almost daily, if not every day, I talk with
The magnificent creation of nature 
In which the circle of life happens
Expressing my deepest gratitude

Discovering connection is key...



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I too talk to inanimate objects. As you know, I live alone. I am quite relieved they never talk back, which is one of their best qualities in this life. :-)

SP

oneperson said...

Lol!

Your talk-back comment brings me a big chuckle!

xoxo