Some minutes ago, I powered up my laptop to compose some thoughts on life before the internet, before cell phones, before cordless phones, before central air.
"Party lines" existed; one could listen in on their neighbor's phone calls.
Folks opened windows for airflow through their homes; they could listen in on outside conversations and, Lord forbid, on inside talks if folks hollered loud enough and their windows too were open, or not.
We didn't lock the doors of our houses; anyone could walk right in.
Anyway, when I powered up my laptop I discovered something I wrote a couple weeks ago about isolation and connection -- two subjects that tie right in with communication, now and past.
I think folks were less isolated pastly than nowly.
Life-past was lived mostly 3D, which of itself brings more connection; more senses are involved.
~*~
June 15, 2020, thoughts...
Isolation
The marine vet
Raven Rock Overlook, 2019
He asked how I dealt with doing so much solo
How to live with a feeling of isolation
At the time I didn't have any concrete answers
Seems I may have said something about finding connection
Which I had found with nature
But now, I think I have a more concrete answer
Though part of it is embarrassing, but then not
Because I think it is probably an innate human response
Think Wilson in the movie Castaway
Some may say,
"Carol you haven't experienced isolation
You have a husband
You go out biking and meet people on your journeys"
These things are true
And I am thankful for them
I am married; I do not live alone
I often ride my bike and sometimes meet people
My isolation?
Around 2015 I had to, for the most part, drop our of social life
Fatigue was overwhelming
Due to my health adversities
Energy had to go into surviving another day
My isolation?
I've never met anyone, in 10 years, who has my medical condition
Which is a major factor in feeling isolated
The closet have been folks with MS
But I don't have MS
And then, how many folks with MS ride a bicycle?I've met one person onlineAnd he gets 'it' more than others, I think'It''...how a person with atrophied muscles from inhibited nerve functionCan ride a bikeI used to feel I had to explain 'it' to everyone I met on the trailAnd sometimes I did, if I had the cognitive function to do soIf not, I'd still try to have that conversation in my headProbably more for explaining 'it' to myselfProcessing
My isolation?
I left a cult in 2005
To which I'd been loyal for 28 years
To which I'd committed my money, time, soul, beliefs
Left behind those connections
But I found connections in the ex-and-anti-cult community
Some of those were reconnections with old friends
But then I left that community after I got falsely accused
What a mess
I'd defended a guy on the anticult forumWho was falsely (or at least mistakenly) accusedI knew he was, because I was his supposed target for his supposed liesWhich weren't liesHubby and I even met 3D with the guy, multiple timesI later met 3D with the third party he had supposedly posed as in 2DWhich he hadn'tMessy, messyLater folks on a couple anticult forums were told I'd given the falsely-accused guyAccess to the anticult's secret women's forumAnd that I'd shared the women's secrets with himI didn't do either of those thingsI was guilty of telling the falsely-accused dude that a secret women's forum existedWhich I wasn't supposed to revealThat was part of the agreement when a woman joined the forumAnd I had hesitantly joined some months earlierSo I probably shouldn't have told the dudeBut I didI did tell someone on the forum I had done soAnd asked their opinion if I should tell the forum administratorThey thought 'no'And I agreedSo I didn't say anythingIn hindsightI wish I hadI also told the falsely-accused guyThat the guy who had falsely (or at least mistakenly) accused himHad launched the secret forum for the womenAnd that the launcher-accuser was the only male who had accessSo the falsely-accused guy interpreted that as pervertedBut I didn't think the launcher looked at the forumUnless there was technical difficultyI'm getting way off track hereExplaining back storyWhich I'm not explaining well at allIt was messy and complicatedSoap opera style
Suffice it to say
I was kicked out of the secret women's forum
And left the anti-cult forum
Outcast
From the cult
And now its anti-counterpart
Isolation
Then I got involved in broader "cult-recovery"
With my then-mental health therapist
He called me an "activist"
I'd never considered myself an "activist" for anything
After two yearsAnd still his clientHe accused me of thingsThat I had no idea I had doneBecause I had not done themBut he was my mental health therapistAnd I doubted my own perceptionsCould I actually be guilty of what he said?He harmfully cut me offSlashAfter much deliberation and mental tormentAnd learning his behavior was a patternHe'd done similar ten years priorBefore he had his counseling licenseI filed a professional complaintWith his state licensing boardA year laterTherapist tried to smear my character onlineUsing outright fables based on my pastWhich he knew wellSome people, many perhaps, believed him
Outcast
From the cult
From cult's anti-counterpart
And now the broader cult-recovery field
Isolation
But thenConnectionOne of Therapist's past clients contacted meTherapist had harmed them in worse ways than IThey thanked me for filing the complaintAnd following throughThe ex-client was able to reconcile with a close relativeWhom the client had cut offDue to Therapist's twisted analysisAnd that made it all worth it"It" being the complaintAnd the attempted smearAnd all its repercussionsInternally and externallyBut by the time "worth-it" had landedTherapist's character smear of meHad already done its damageIn the public arena
Fourteen months later I was a witness for the stateAt Therapist's state licensing board hearingTo which he didn't showAnother fourteen months laterTherapist's license was revokedThe ex-client again thanked meAlong with a few other folksWho were privy to the situationAnd who had experienced harmAt the therapist's emotional-lashingsAnd that was that
So, yeah
I've had to live with isolation
At least the internal kind
And some external
What helps me?
Let me list some ways...
Music and singing and danceConnecting with the awe of natureBefriending trees and wildlifeTalking life over with my selfFinding purpose in the smallest of things...
Like laying my parrot-print throw on the foot of our bed so that the parrots are flying out the window
Naming and talking with inanimate objects...
Adult Groot Art-o-mat blockBicycles, Olivia and Blue1999 Ford Explorer, Sir EdwardRolling walker, The PhoenixAnd (the most embarrassing) the bath back-brushI haven't given the bath-brush a name.That feels I'm taking it a bit too far.But who knows?Whatever helps.
Almost daily, if not every day, I talk withThe magnificent creation of natureIn which the circle of life happensExpressing my deepest gratitude
Discovering connection is key...
2 comments:
I too talk to inanimate objects. As you know, I live alone. I am quite relieved they never talk back, which is one of their best qualities in this life. :-)
SP
Lol!
Your talk-back comment brings me a big chuckle!
xoxo
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