On hold: Trust the process

July 14, 2021  

Prompt: On hold

~*~

A quote by Jeffery Rediger, M.D., from the book Cured: 

   

"Whenever I ask people to start 'at the beginning,' they tend to go back to the same place: not when they were sick or back further to when they were diagnosed, or even further back to when they were healthy. They go back all the way to their childhoods. I don't have to ask them to. Something in them knows intuitively that the true roots of their stories are there. And no matter what the disease process is, it's always about the story."  

This is the path I am currently on.

A path to allow early childhood memories to emerge.

A path that has many blanks.

Part of my re-quest, as I call it.

A quest again into wholeness. 

A request to any gods there may be for guidance. 

Since I first delved deeply into mind-body medicine in the early 2000s,  I have been met with an abyss of sorts, when it comes to parental and familial memories. Though this abyss appears black, and sometimes dark gray, it isn't hollow, like abysses are supposed to be. It isn't a never ending hole. It is solid, like there is nothing to even step into to explore. At least with a an abyss, one can step into it, even get pulled into a vortex. At least there is movement. 

So I've really not been met by an abyss.

But it's not a wall either. 

It's more like a solid nothingness. 

It's an odd feeling, this lack of memory when it comes to my parents. 

I spoke about this with Dr. McColloch, the best psychologist whom I've ever been to. I wish he hadn't retired. I wish a lot of things. Dr. McColloch knew me well. I saw him weekly, and sometimes more, from middish-2000 through 2004ish. Then I saw him off and on as needed through 2013ish. 

I think Dr. McColloch was the first one who brought up the word "neglect."  

In one of our sessions he asked, "Do you realize that you are a victim of neglect?" 

I firmly and adamantly retorted, "I am not a victim of anything. Besides, everyone is neglected." 

He responded, "No. They're not. Not everyone is neglected." 

I think that's all we said about that in that session. 

I considered what he said over the subsequent days, and then we explored the issue. The evidence was there from memories I did have and in my symptomology. Yes, everyone to some degree encounters neglect, but not as a pattern during their developing years. Neglect is a type of emotional abuse, where (in maybe a twisted but understandable way) the neglectee feels that they'd prefer some sort of physical abuse just to know that they matter, that they exist. 

It's not about blaming my parents; I don't. I do not believe the neglect was intentional; it was circumstantial. But that didn't matter to the little, developing person of me. It had an effect on my wiring; which is true for all humans and maybe all animals. I am human...and animal. 

I had wondered about sexual or physical abuses: could it be that my little mind had blocked any memories of that? When I asked Dr. McColloch, he said that he didn't think so, from all I had shared and from my behavior patterns. And I thought then (and still think) he was correct. 

On my current request, I've decided that whatever I need to know will surface when I need to know it. 

I do the work, and then trust the process. 

If it were only that easy.