Okay Carol, just let the words pour. Or trickle. Or stream. Allow them to come through your body and out your fingertips.
What is it you want to convey? What is it you want to share?
I think I think, I want to request support? Or do I?
It's more like, I want to put my request out there to the Universe, Listeners, Source, Clouds and Trees and Wildlife and Humans and Ancestors and Progeny and Spirit. Does that cover it? Well no. There is a forever kind of life in the energy fields that exists. Once we discover one thing, there is more and more underneath that one thing. Stuff that can't be put into words but can be felt.
Okay, quit deflecting. What is it that you want? You are next in line at the counter.
I desire an epigenetic shift. About what? The possible (probable?) familial insomnia.
*~*~
The story, part 1
Wednesday August 2nd, 2023, I lay in bed awake again for the 220+ish night-day in the past couple years. But this time, I am composing my suicide note in my head.
I can't continue with the overwhelming loneliness, a kind of loneliness that consumes its prey. The wicked insomnia that has plagued me since May 2022, my practitioners and my self have thrown everything we know at the insomnia, seeking a remedy. My practitioners: Acupuncturists, Chiropractor/Homeopath/Nutritionist/Laser/ Mind-body Coach/Functional Medical Doctor, TCM Herbalist/Energy Healer/Grief Counselor, Massage Therapists, General Practitioner, and Neurologist.
The insomnia. The widespread, chronic degenerative nerve disorder. The kyphoscoliosis. The pain. The weakness. The drugs. The herbs. The meditations. The prayers. The supplements. The 24/7 selfcare tasks. On and on and on and on...
What is the point of continuing? If I die, I'll rest from it all. Hubby will rest from it.
I'd hit bottom again, but even a lower bottom than in the past.
I call The Final Exit, just to see if I can talk with someone. I receive an answering service.
"Are you with The Final Exit?" I ask.
"No. I'm with the answering service," responds the friendly voice on the other end.
"Does The Final Exit ever answer calls directly?"
"No. We take the phone number and pass it along and they will call you back."
"Oh." I'm silent for a moment. "Well, I don't want to do that."
We cordially hang up.
Hubby had gone to our family doctor for lab work that morning. I call his cell to see if he's still at the doctor's.
He answers, He is just at that moment checking out.
"Can you ask if Dr. A has an opening today?" I ask.
"Sure," he responds.
He asks the receptionist, and she asks what the visit is for.
I pick my words carefully; the "s" word can freak people out. I don't want police showing up at my house and wanting to cart me off and commit me somewhere against my will.
"Um...tell her that the insomnia is bad again and I'm in a lot of distress." I figure Dr. A will be able to read between the lines and know what that means.
They work me in for a 1:00 appointment that afternoon. Hubby is going to work from home (again) and accompany me to the 1:00 appointment.
After Hubby and I hang up, I call the head sleep neurologist at the sleep clinic at Wake Forest Hospital. I'd been given her name by an acquaintance who is pediatric neurologist and knows some of my struggles.
"Is Doctor S taking new patients?"
"Yes, she is. But the first opening is March 6th. That's the first opening for her and the other sleep doctors."
"Yes, she is. But the first opening is March 6th. That's the first opening for her and the other sleep doctors."
"March 6th?!? Like almost a year from now?"
"Yes. If you'd caught me 5 minutes ago, I could've gotten you in this Friday."
Holy shit, I think. This must be an epidemic. For a moment I send a prayer for all suffering with this crazy-making, maddening, severe insomnia.
My heart drops. Then I calm. Carol, if that is where you are to go, a door will open. For now, for some reason, you have to wait.
"Would you like me put you on a call list if there is a cancellation?"
"Yes please," I respond. "And go ahead and schedule me for March 6th."
"Our sleep doctors in Wilkesboro or High Point might have openings. Do you want their phone numbers?"
"Yes please."
I'm able to get into the Wilkesboro clinic in October. But the doctor at that clinic is an ENT and works mainly with sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is not my problem. I make the appointment anyway.
~*~
~*~
Later, 9/05/23
Hello any readers. :)
I had the intention to finish this story in about four Parts. But, as is often the case, I won't get that far. This has happened a few times on toss & ripple -- an intention to finish a story in chronological parts, and then I don't follow through. I guess I'd suck at writing a chapter book.
I had the intention to finish this story in about four Parts. But, as is often the case, I won't get that far. This has happened a few times on toss & ripple -- an intention to finish a story in chronological parts, and then I don't follow through. I guess I'd suck at writing a chapter book.
With this story, Parts Two through (possibly) Four would tell of the events that helped draw me up and out. How the "cat was out of the bag" with my kids as far as how deeply I've been suffering, partly (and mainly) brought on by the insomnia that began in May 2022.
Son flew in from Alaska and daughter came over from an hourish away. One thing Son, who is now 33, said was, "I inconvenienced y'all [Mom and Dad] for 25 years, please inconvenience me!" :D My kids came to my rescue, so to speak. We hugged and cried and danced together. And we have a plan moving forward. I am truly blessed. <3
Son flew in from Alaska and daughter came over from an hourish away. One thing Son, who is now 33, said was, "I inconvenienced y'all [Mom and Dad] for 25 years, please inconvenience me!" :D My kids came to my rescue, so to speak. We hugged and cried and danced together. And we have a plan moving forward. I am truly blessed. <3
But what do I mean by "epigenetic shift." It's a term I made up after one of my siblings (whom I'll refer to as Jo) shared with me (about a week after the above incidents) that they too had the same type insomnia as I. It was uncanny as Jo shared their story; Jo was describing me. They had gone through 2 sleep studies to no avail. They finally figured out a way to get restful sleep every 3rd of 4th night. And at least one of our cousins has this same type insomnia.
Last year I'd read about Fatal Familia Insomnia (FFI) but thought, no way. Yet a part of me wondered. FFI is a genetic disorder, and the afflicted usually die within two years of onset. Jo has been living with this type of insomnia for a couple decades, so whatever we have is apparently not FFI. But my GP and other practitioners were like, "Oh my. This is new light." Maybe one of my sleep doctor appointments (in October and/or March) will be able to look at this deeper.
Last year I'd read about Fatal Familia Insomnia (FFI) but thought, no way. Yet a part of me wondered. FFI is a genetic disorder, and the afflicted usually die within two years of onset. Jo has been living with this type of insomnia for a couple decades, so whatever we have is apparently not FFI. But my GP and other practitioners were like, "Oh my. This is new light." Maybe one of my sleep doctor appointments (in October and/or March) will be able to look at this deeper.
In the meantime, I'll just ride the waves. I am on some heavy-duty sleep pharmaceuticals and herbs, so I'm usually getting 4 hours at night now with a few more hours in a twilight sleep, aware but not fully awake. Interestingly, Jo is on the same meds with a similar response. But then Jo adds one more substance to help them sleep that third or fourth night. I cannot add that substance to my regimen due to how my body responds to it.
The day after speaking with Jo, I thought, we need an epigenetic shift, followed by a chuckle, followed by, can that happen, if so, how?
