I was feeling better, until I wasn't. It happens.
I've told myself that two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.
I pushed too much last week. Plus, April was a month full of health appointments; three to four per week. But there was good news at each appointment. So, I need to keep that in mind. And I have two weeks coming up with no appointments! That's not happened since the beginning of 2022.
And there have been deaths. A good friend died the end of April, and a cousin-in-law died too. I had another good friend die in January. And a friendship died (at least for now) at the end of March. It's proper to grieve. It's normal. It's human.
Mom was next to youngest of thirteen siblings. One sibling died as an infant. And one died as a child; Mom, who was a youngster, found him. He died in his sleep. So, there were eleven that made it to adulthood; all but one with kids. I am the youngest of my two siblings. So, on Mom's side (Dad's too, except he had only two siblings), I'm near the bottom of the age-rung. I have a passel of cousins, most of them older than I. The oldest are in their late 80s. So, unless I go first, there will be family (and friends) who will pass on before me, simply from age.
Everyone goes through this season, if they draw breath long enough. And that's as it should be. Death is a part of everything that lives. And, like others, I am at the age where the physical deaths of friends and loved ones will start happening more frequently. Though it actually started for me in 2022.
I feel death by war or violence is not natural. But sadly, human history is filled with wars and violence. Thus, one might argue that in one sense it is "natural" for humans to kill each other. But that causes my heart to sink, to drop.
Today someone and I were sharing snippets of our life stories. I learned that they tried to commit suicide three times; they were only 8 years old. They and I are thankful for those who intervened. I've been through the news of four suicides in 2022 and 2023. I knew only one personally, an adult in his early 40s. Two were teenagers, ages 13 and 17, grandkids of two different friends. One teen was a 12-year-old grandchild of someone I don't know personally, but friends know the grandparents. In the mid-90s Mom tried to commit suicide; I found her lying on her kitchen floor.
I don't have a fixed belief about what happens after we draw our last breath. Do we enter another plane? Do we reincarnate? Do we continue in a sleep-type state until Jesus Christ returns? Do we go directly to an afterlife where all shall be known and reconciled? (I do not believe in a hell that is a place or state of torment, torture, retribution.) Or is this all there is? We live, we breathe, we draw our last breath and then decay without our soul/spirit being transported into another place or state. That said, I feel there must be more to life than our one pass through this earthly sojourn.
Back in 2019 when Hubby and I were in Florida, a turtle was on a boardwalk. It had a long way to go to get the ocean. But it was acting disoriented, going from one side of the boardwalk to the other, looking over the edges like it wanted to get to the sand but the two-foot drop was too far.
We watched it for a few minutes. I made a clicking sound, like I used to do with horses and still do with animals. The turtle stopped to listen. Hubby joined in and began patting his thigh encouraging the turtle to turn around, which it did. It then followed Hubby and the pat-pat and clicking sounds back to where it could get in the sand. Turtle was booking it as it followed Hubby. It seemed happy once back in the sand, though it still had a far piece to trek, if it was actually going to the ocean.
I thought of that turtle this week when telling my self that two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward...
And then I thought of the 'rescue' Hubby provided for Turtle...
And then I thought of the 'rescue' Hubby provided for Turtle...
A human, larger than Turtle, with abilities to observe and help...
And Turtle responded...
And I thought of the many times Spirit has come along to help me...
~*~*~
Probably...
(penned 9/06/23)
(penned 9/06/23)
I've heard the whispers
And I've followed through
I don't want pride to get in the way
But....
Is it you?
Spirit? Son? Father?
I will keep this close to my heart
May I remember as the days go along without any whispers
Do I still believe?
Probably...
~*~*~
I found comfort in this song today.
I played it probably 10 times.
I recall the first time I heard it,
Driving up the mountain to Sparta, NC...
