Tools I have to help me
But which to reach for
In times of depletion
In times of overwhelm
In times of isolation
Barely enough energy to think and type these few words
Which cannot capture the depth of the suffering
June has been a three-months month.
Along with my detailed, regular daily maintenance and almost-weekly medical appointments, there has been...
The trip to the Outer Banks, a huge feat for me but worth it.
I had it strategically planned, including my one-to-two-week recovery time.
But the recovery window did not manifest.
John and I had to cut our trip a day short; his 91-year-old mom was dying.
He arrived at her bedside 2 minutes before her last breath.
Then came...
Searching through photos for my daughter to put together a slide show in honor of Gran.
A 4-day trip to The Smokies, where Gran lived, to attend her Celebration of Life and to help ferret through some of the huge inventory in her home.
At the Celebration, I briefly spoke about Gran's love for nature and shared an incident when she and a fellow hiker survived 3 nights lost in The Smokies in dead winter. They ate snow for hydration.
Also, we had...
Our own back porch--putting furniture back after 17 months of being without.
Our downstairs--having to move furniture and cover staircase rails and other furniture with sheets to help keep dust minimized when workers drilled 11 nickel-sized holes into the floor and foundation to inject polyfoam.
Then having the downstairs cleaned and furniture put back until it has to be moved again in latter July to complete the project.
I helped as best I could, trying to uphold the previous Carol who was once able-bodied...
But again, I paid a price...
Increased popping and pain in my back.
Injury to my shoulder from carrying a small luggage piece.
Severe spasms in my lower left ankle and foot at 4:30 AM, the pain a 10 out of 10 as I (typically a non-screamer) screamed in agony enduring the 4-minute seizure. John came rushing in. I managed to holler, "Mag Phos 6X!" Within a moment after it was under my tongue the pain ameliorated. I followed up with a couple more homeopathic cell salts, a red-light laser treatment, and then Xanax. I guess one could call me an integrative patient.
Then there is...
My brother with stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer and side effects of treatment. He was diagnosed in March. Today he was transferred to in-patient hospice care.
Our housekeeper's daughter in a head-on collision, but she's still with us and will heal.
One of my tooth crowns dislodging at 4:30 AM when I got up to pee; at least I didn't swallow it
A new-to-me car and adapting from a 1999 to piloting a 2016. Yes, I'm thankful for the new vehicle, but I'm having to learn new skills in order to safely maneuver. More for my already-overloaded brain
I feel I've lived through a time warp.
It has felt very strange.
But Carol, some of this is good and you lived some magical moments in spite of it all.
Can you flip your downtroddenness into gratitude, without denying the realities of what you live day to day?
The suffering, the pain, the sleeplessness, the fatigue, the discipline to stick with the protocols.
The rage, the depression the anxieties.
The isolation.
Carol, what good happened in this three-month June?
Plenty, but I do not want to gloss over the suffering as if it doesn't matter.
As if it's not real.
Don't gloss.
Allow.
And also recall the good.
Recall the suffering of others who have it so much worse than you.
They too know the isolation.
Like Barry, who you met last week at the greenway.
He gets it.
~*~
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