****
My first session was tonight, first of five in an Authentic Writing Workshop.
I was nervous being among some writers, even though it was via phone. I felt small, insignificant and like, What have I got to share? My story is unimportant.
I'm not a professional writer. All I write is poetry, my journal, emails, and blogs. None are read much, and that's okay. My poetry and journaling are therapeutic writing; personal unless I decide to share it publicly. Well, most all my poetry appears on some sort of small public platform, but not my journaling. And even on the small public venues, the poetry is still therapeutic.
My blogs are mainly experimental. I don't have an audience. I doubt I ever will. I'm not sure why I decided to blog. I guess I want to be heard. But why; why does that even matter? And who even hears? And what impact would it ever have? Maybe those questions will be answered as I continue the process; maybe not.
In the workshop tonight I was again reminded of the importance of one's story. The story. The story.
No matter how unimportant one's story my seem, no matter how uneventful, no matter how insignificant, each story is unique and is worthy. Every window from which light emerges on a dark night, behind that pane is a story. Beyond it is a story. Inside the door and outside the door, is a story.
I was again reminded of my recent 'motto', or 'mantra'...if one dares: "There are no non-persons; there are no non-events."
Well now, this little blog took on ironic poles: the insignificance of my pennings, yet the significance of each person's story.
I am a person.
****
May 27, 2009
May 25, 2009
Weighing and Waying Experiences
I am currently focusing my reading on a couple books.
One is Bounded Choice by Janja Lalich. I am in a section now reading about the Heaven's Gate cult.
The other is The Guru Looked Good by Marta Szabo. It is a memoir about her time as a true believer and Siddha Yoga follower, living in ashrams.
Heaven's Gate belief system was (is?) a mix of New Age, ufology, and biblical interpretations, with perhaps a few other ideas thrown in.
Siddha Yoga, of course, is of Hindu origin.
My personal experience with The Way was of biblical origin.
Yet the parallels between the 3 systems are somewhat astounding to me. I think that I shouldn't be astounded because of the many articles, books, conversations, etc. I've had and read regarding totalistic systems and groups. But once again, I get that uncanny and all-too-familiar feeling. Here are 3 different belief systems, yet they are so very similar.
Perhaps my "amazement" is that I was once a true believer; I really believed I was at "The School of the Prophets" while in The Way Corps. I truly believed Ohio Way Headquarters was "holy ground," a "spiritual oasis," a "bulwark for the accuracy and integrity of God's Word."
I recall "Dr." Wierwille saying something like, "As goes the Corps, so goes the Ministry. As goes the Ministry, so goes the world." Thus we, the Way Corps, were responsible for the state of our country and the world. We were elite; our campuses were elite...especially Headquarters. I continually battled shame for not living up to the standard of the Way Corps motto: "It is Written." I endeavored to believe my calling trying to discipline myself to the five Way Corps principles and unrelenting standards and at the same time believe in and embrace the grace of God.
All the while, the President of The Way, the Way Corps Director, and other top leaders (all who were teaching us) were abusing their positions of trust via emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. To think of it too much leaves a hole in my gut, an almost wretching feel.
This past week I pulled out a journal from 1982 - 83 which was my 1st in-residence year of the 13th Way Corps; it was my 2nd attempt at The Way Corps. (Decades ago I threw out my journals from the 10th Corps and prior to the 10th Corps; I wish I still had them.)
Thumbing through the pages, I read excerpts of a young woman striving to love God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength. I read about someone who (among other things) never feels good enough, is in awe that she is chosen, is indebted to those who have gone before her, embraces the privilege to serve along side God's elite, who experiences the mystical highs of and 'more real than real' love of God among her beloved believer brothers and sisters, and who continually squelches her inner voice beating it into a type of submission as if it were some sort of rabid animal that needs to be kept on a chain.
Again I feel that hole in my gut.
What a rape of the soul.
***
(And then I hear the whisper, It wasn't that bad Carol. You have a lot to be thankful for.
I do have a lot to be thankful for, but I don't want to minimize the damage/challenges that toxic belief systems and groups have upon the psyche. Someday I hope to understand more and have greater clarity regarding the process. )
***
One is Bounded Choice by Janja Lalich. I am in a section now reading about the Heaven's Gate cult.
The other is The Guru Looked Good by Marta Szabo. It is a memoir about her time as a true believer and Siddha Yoga follower, living in ashrams.
Heaven's Gate belief system was (is?) a mix of New Age, ufology, and biblical interpretations, with perhaps a few other ideas thrown in.
Siddha Yoga, of course, is of Hindu origin.
My personal experience with The Way was of biblical origin.
Yet the parallels between the 3 systems are somewhat astounding to me. I think that I shouldn't be astounded because of the many articles, books, conversations, etc. I've had and read regarding totalistic systems and groups. But once again, I get that uncanny and all-too-familiar feeling. Here are 3 different belief systems, yet they are so very similar.
Perhaps my "amazement" is that I was once a true believer; I really believed I was at "The School of the Prophets" while in The Way Corps. I truly believed Ohio Way Headquarters was "holy ground," a "spiritual oasis," a "bulwark for the accuracy and integrity of God's Word."
I recall "Dr." Wierwille saying something like, "As goes the Corps, so goes the Ministry. As goes the Ministry, so goes the world." Thus we, the Way Corps, were responsible for the state of our country and the world. We were elite; our campuses were elite...especially Headquarters. I continually battled shame for not living up to the standard of the Way Corps motto: "It is Written." I endeavored to believe my calling trying to discipline myself to the five Way Corps principles and unrelenting standards and at the same time believe in and embrace the grace of God.
All the while, the President of The Way, the Way Corps Director, and other top leaders (all who were teaching us) were abusing their positions of trust via emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. To think of it too much leaves a hole in my gut, an almost wretching feel.
This past week I pulled out a journal from 1982 - 83 which was my 1st in-residence year of the 13th Way Corps; it was my 2nd attempt at The Way Corps. (Decades ago I threw out my journals from the 10th Corps and prior to the 10th Corps; I wish I still had them.)
Thumbing through the pages, I read excerpts of a young woman striving to love God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength. I read about someone who (among other things) never feels good enough, is in awe that she is chosen, is indebted to those who have gone before her, embraces the privilege to serve along side God's elite, who experiences the mystical highs of and 'more real than real' love of God among her beloved believer brothers and sisters, and who continually squelches her inner voice beating it into a type of submission as if it were some sort of rabid animal that needs to be kept on a chain.
Again I feel that hole in my gut.
What a rape of the soul.
***
(And then I hear the whisper, It wasn't that bad Carol. You have a lot to be thankful for.
I do have a lot to be thankful for, but I don't want to minimize the damage/challenges that toxic belief systems and groups have upon the psyche. Someday I hope to understand more and have greater clarity regarding the process. )
***
May 20, 2009
Crusades, Fence Sitters, and Yarn
I copy and paste the following from another blog, one I keep with the goal of writing some memoirs. I wrote the following on May 7. It is more a stream of consciousness type writing, and that's o.k.
Here goes; I'm gonna click "publish post."
An added thought regarding crusades: "Do You Hear the People Sing"
*******************************
This isn't a memoir. It's more of a journal entry.
I am now 50 years of age. In some ways I still feel like an adolescent. Don't people my age know by now their political stance and their religious stance? Those are the only two categories I can think of. Why?
Why are those categories so important? Is it because they have shaped so much of history? Have they? What other factors come into play?
What of the relationship stance, the family stance, the spiritual stance, the morality stance, the psychology stance, the science stance? Do I have opinions on those issues? I do, more so than religion and politics. But why do I get such fog in my mind regarding politics and religion? Is it because of their complexity, or is it because they are so divided? I much prefer harmony over division.
Let me take one issue: the gay issue. Does it really bother me that Henry and Paul are lovers?
No, not in their private lives. But yet it would bother me to see them holding hands in public.
Yet, if two male friends embrace, I don't think much of it. It is a greeting betwixt friends. Why would the holding of hands bother me? It must be a cultural bias.
I listed religious and spiritual as two separate stances. Perhaps by "religious" I really mean dogmatic crusades. Maybe that is what turns me off: crusades.
Yet, when I write that I have a whispering thought, Nothing would ever get accomplished on a large level if not for a crusade.
Yet, the other issues also have division. Perhaps in my mind the other issues are not as divided; there is an intuitive sense regarding relationships, family, and morals. However science, spirituality, and psychology have divisions galore.
Crusades and I don't get along anymore. I tried to be a crusader for God. I don't know; I just get confused.
My next thought is to write Carol, write. Even if it doesn't make sense, write.
O.K.
When I connect with my heart by focusing in the area of my physical heart and asking, What do I feel? ....there is an intuitive sense of knowing. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I can simply be in the moment without being forced into a decision, which is an opinion.
Also, I can change my mind on matters. It's o.k. if I am a fence sitter. So what? Perhaps if the world had more fence sitters, we would have more peace.
Work would still get done: crops planted, people fed, people clothed, music played, poems and essays written, houses built, animals tended, lovers loved, stories lived and passed along, etc. That is life.
I've heard it said that necessity is the mother of invention. Perhaps emotional necessity is the mother of belief systems. That is much too simplistic.
But maybe I'm grasping an element of unraveling the ball of yarn.
A ball of yarn
rainbow cords
each color a season
of life
All wound up into
one big orb
hiding the central
core
It takes time
to unwind
to lay straight
to notice the patterns
of colors
What lies at the center?
Only the other end.
And I was hoping for a
revelation
Sigh
Ahh...perhaps that is
the revelation
The progress of
grasping that the end
and the beginning
look the same
That the discovery
is in the
unraveling
*************************************************
Here goes; I'm gonna click "publish post."
An added thought regarding crusades: "Do You Hear the People Sing"
*******************************
This isn't a memoir. It's more of a journal entry.
I am now 50 years of age. In some ways I still feel like an adolescent. Don't people my age know by now their political stance and their religious stance? Those are the only two categories I can think of. Why?
Why are those categories so important? Is it because they have shaped so much of history? Have they? What other factors come into play?
What of the relationship stance, the family stance, the spiritual stance, the morality stance, the psychology stance, the science stance? Do I have opinions on those issues? I do, more so than religion and politics. But why do I get such fog in my mind regarding politics and religion? Is it because of their complexity, or is it because they are so divided? I much prefer harmony over division.
Let me take one issue: the gay issue. Does it really bother me that Henry and Paul are lovers?
No, not in their private lives. But yet it would bother me to see them holding hands in public.
Yet, if two male friends embrace, I don't think much of it. It is a greeting betwixt friends. Why would the holding of hands bother me? It must be a cultural bias.
I listed religious and spiritual as two separate stances. Perhaps by "religious" I really mean dogmatic crusades. Maybe that is what turns me off: crusades.
Yet, when I write that I have a whispering thought, Nothing would ever get accomplished on a large level if not for a crusade.
Yet, the other issues also have division. Perhaps in my mind the other issues are not as divided; there is an intuitive sense regarding relationships, family, and morals. However science, spirituality, and psychology have divisions galore.
Crusades and I don't get along anymore. I tried to be a crusader for God. I don't know; I just get confused.
My next thought is to write Carol, write. Even if it doesn't make sense, write.
O.K.
When I connect with my heart by focusing in the area of my physical heart and asking, What do I feel? ....there is an intuitive sense of knowing. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I can simply be in the moment without being forced into a decision, which is an opinion.
Also, I can change my mind on matters. It's o.k. if I am a fence sitter. So what? Perhaps if the world had more fence sitters, we would have more peace.
Work would still get done: crops planted, people fed, people clothed, music played, poems and essays written, houses built, animals tended, lovers loved, stories lived and passed along, etc. That is life.
I've heard it said that necessity is the mother of invention. Perhaps emotional necessity is the mother of belief systems. That is much too simplistic.
But maybe I'm grasping an element of unraveling the ball of yarn.
A ball of yarn
rainbow cords
each color a season
of life
All wound up into
one big orb
hiding the central
core
It takes time
to unwind
to lay straight
to notice the patterns
of colors
What lies at the center?
Only the other end.
And I was hoping for a
revelation
Sigh
Ahh...perhaps that is
the revelation
The progress of
grasping that the end
and the beginning
look the same
That the discovery
is in the
unraveling
*************************************************