Weighing and Waying Experiences

I am currently focusing my reading on a couple books.

One is Bounded Choice by Janja Lalich. I am in a section now reading about the Heaven's Gate cult.

The other is The Guru Looked Good by Marta Szabo. It is a memoir about her time as a true believer and Siddha Yoga follower, living in ashrams.

Heaven's Gate belief system was (is?) a mix of New Age, ufology, and biblical interpretations, with perhaps a few other ideas thrown in.

Siddha Yoga, of course, is of Hindu origin.

My personal experience with The Way was of biblical origin.

Yet the parallels between the 3 systems are somewhat astounding to me. I think that I shouldn't be astounded because of the many articles, books, conversations, etc. I've had and read regarding totalistic systems and groups. But once again, I get that uncanny and all-too-familiar feeling. Here are 3 different belief systems, yet they are so very similar.

Perhaps my "amazement" is that I was once a true believer; I really believed I was at "The School of the Prophets" while in The Way Corps. I truly believed Ohio Way Headquarters was "holy ground," a "spiritual oasis," a "bulwark for the accuracy and integrity of God's Word."

I recall "Dr." Wierwille saying something like, "As goes the Corps, so goes the Ministry. As goes the Ministry, so goes the world." Thus we, the Way Corps, were responsible for the state of our country and the world. We were elite; our campuses were elite...especially Headquarters. I continually battled shame for not living up to the standard of the Way Corps motto: "It is Written." I endeavored to believe my calling trying to discipline myself to the five Way Corps principles and unrelenting standards and at the same time believe in and embrace the grace of God.

All the while, the President of The Way, the Way Corps Director, and other top leaders (all who were teaching us) were abusing their positions of trust via emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. To think of it too much leaves a hole in my gut, an almost wretching feel.

This past week I pulled out a journal from 1982 - 83 which was my 1st in-residence year of the 13th Way Corps; it was my 2nd attempt at The Way Corps. (Decades ago I threw out my journals from the 10th Corps and prior to the 10th Corps; I wish I still had them.)

Thumbing through the pages, I read excerpts of a young woman striving to love God with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength. I read about someone who (among other things) never feels good enough, is in awe that she is chosen, is indebted to those who have gone before her, embraces the privilege to serve along side God's elite, who experiences the mystical highs of and 'more real than real' love of God among her beloved believer brothers and sisters, and who continually squelches her inner voice beating it into a type of submission as if it were some sort of rabid animal that needs to be kept on a chain.

Again I feel that hole in my gut.

What a rape of the soul.

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(And then I hear the whisper, It wasn't that bad Carol. You have a lot to be thankful for.

I do have a lot to be thankful for, but I don't want to minimize the damage/challenges that toxic belief systems and groups have upon the psyche. Someday I hope to understand more and have greater clarity regarding the process. )

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