Ramblings of an apathetic mind....

I don't even know if I will click publish on this blog piece.
If I do, like other pieces, it will be unedited at first.
Will I tweak it? I don't want to...it just needs to pour off my pen, so to speak.
I have been journaling regularly. My journal is not for public eyes.
This piece will be a public journal-type piece.

I'm tired and wearied.
I find my apathy toward life almost appalling.

I just googled again "methotrexate and fatigue."
It could be that my lack of energy and my apathy is at least in part due to methotrexate. I take 12.5 mg one time per week. I don't yet know how much the methotrexate is helping the peripheral neuropathy and inflammation in my nerve roots. I do know that the spinal steroid injections have definitely helped.

I'm currently coming off prednisone which I've been on since July, 2011. I'm down to 2.5 mg and so far, so good. I'll go to 1 mg in a week or so and then go to 0 mg before my next spinal injections in April.

Once I'm off the prednisone for a month or so, and once I hit the six-month mark on the methotrexate (which will be July, 2014), then I should be able to maybe experiment with the methotrexate to see how much it is doing weighed with the steroid spinal injections.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just be fatigued and apathetic.

At least I cried this morning which means I felt something.

Not to spread my pity party germs, but wanting to at least get my thoughts out there...and hopefully not come across as complaining...and I'm not looking for advice...this is more like an observation of circumstances....

Hubby and I became empty-nesters this past year.

Hubby and I will be married 30 years come September, 2014. I don't write much publicly about our marriage and I won't do that now other than to say...our 30-year challenges are not that much different from other long-term marriage relationship challenges, at least from what I've read.

I've lived without normal limb function now since May, 2011. There have been up times, when I was on higher doses of prednisone. Now, the pain is minimal, but the weakness and muscular degeneration remain. I can't perform my toning exercises yet and I don't know if I ever will be able to; they still cause too much shooting pain in my biceps. But I could at least walk or do some yoga or something; but my apathy and fatigue seem to win out most often.

I can go a couple or more days now without speaking to people, other than to Hubby; and even that chat is minimal. Thing is, I don't really want to do anything about cultivating relationships so I'm not complaining...just an observation.

I have no great mission in my life. I've given up my dream of thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, which in the past gave me motivation.

The stomach-churning Knapp crap effected me deeply and effected the way I once wore my heart on my sleeve, effected my innate trust of others. Maybe that's not a bad thing; I learned about evil in an up close encounter. Some may say "evil" is an exaggeration; I would disagree.

I seem to believe in a theistic creator less and less, though I still go back and forth. The bible story has become more and more a fairy tale...which puts me farther and farther outside the camp from some of my friends who are still believers. I can handle that...except for one individual who has meant a lot to me in my past. I feel that person is forever gone as far as a relationship goes. Another loss than I am currently struggling with not to mention the loss of the belief system. I recently read some Psalms, they didn't resonate. I recently read from Ecclesiastes; it did resonate.

My parents are both dead. Mom died in 2009, Dad in 1996. I've never visited their gravesites. Maybe I should. I have little contact with my siblings, but we have never really been close anyway.

Repeating myself...I've been on oral prednisone since July, 2011, and have been through lab-rat roulette the last couple years. At least now I've gotten reasonable relief, though I'm on a different drug with different side effects. At least I get good sleep now.

I've still not cleaned up my house...old Way stuff, boxes and boxes from Mom's place still packed up to go through, the kids stuff still strewn about in their rooms, accumulations. We need a new roof on the house.

I scold myself for being so apathetic about life, for not being more thankful, more motivated. I have food and water and shelter and clothes and modern conveniences. My family is in good health. Life is good, especially compared to most of the world which is war-torn and poverty-stricken. I feel like a real jerk for thinking my problems are real problems. Well, they aren't really problems; they are simply circumstances.

Time now to go out into the world, face to face - run some errands, walk some dachshunds, and visit the dentist.

New Microwave - Chrome and Black

Hubby was driving as we pulled into the driveway after our outing to Costco. Our microwave had bitten the dust within the last couple days. Our Costco "rewards" checks had come in the mail some five days earlier. We were able to purchase the new microwave with the invisible free money. A microwave is one item I purchase brand new and not second hand.

On our Costco run I also purchased a very large bottle of Tums and a bag of dark-chocolate cherries, blueberries, and cranberries.

As I walked from the car through the garage toward the house door, I carried my two small Costco purchases. My right hand held the large bottle of Tums. My left hand grasped the top of the chocolate-covered-berries bag as my left arm hung by my side gently swinging with my gait.

"I wouldn't have been able to do this less than two months ago," I said to Hubby as he walked with me through the garage to unlock the house door before going back to the car to haul in the microwave.

"I know," he responded. We paused for a silent moment looking at each other. "It really is a big deal that you can use your hands."

"I need to remind myself of that," I said. "I may not have much energy, but at least my body can function somewhat normally now. I need to remember that."

I paused.

"And that I can breathe; that's a big deal too," referring to previous decades in my life when I had suffered with severe asthma.

Last night as I typed into my private, online, personal journal an oft-repeated subject came off my keyboard onto the screen - my current lack of enthusiasm for life, this low energy, this apathy which I seem unable to shake. Then, I allowed myself to state it...that maybe I am still grieving loss and losses. But shouldn't I be done by now?

I feel alone in my grief.
And I am.
I have no one to share it with.
It is a subject that is mine and mine alone, for now.
Let it die Carol, let it die.
And if you can't let it die?
Grieve, grieve, grieve...
until the grieving is done.
But I don't cry...this grief...I don't cry.
I just exist...in a state of apathy.

As my manner is I typed "grief and apathy" into my search bar on my computer screen.

I found a website which deals not just with death, but with loss. Sometimes my grief doesn't seem "justified" because a loved one hasn't recently physically died which would be a "justifiable" cause for my grief. Yet, I would certainly understand if someone else were grieving due to the losses I can identify that I grieve. And then I scold myself for minimizing my own grief.

I like the new microwave. I like that it is easy to use; I don't need repeated lessons to figure it out. It  is chrome and black which matches other items in our kitchen - the black sink, the black refrigerator, the chrome-and-black food dehydrator, the chrome-and-black old coffee percolator. Our kitchen chromes and blacks sit among colors of creams and grays and wood-grains and purples and greens and burgundies.

This morning I looked through my bookshelf for the book Good Grief  and couldn't find it. I wonder if it has taken residence down the loan black hole?

A loan and alone

Alone and a loan

Grief and apathy

Apathy and grief

Chrome and black

Black and chrome

Victor Barnard and River Road Fellowship

(UPDATE: October 11, 2016: Barnard pleads guilty to sexual assault and will serve 30 years.)
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March 1, 2014

This morning, I opened a Facebook private message from a good friend. The message had been sent a couple days ago. It contained a link to a news story about a man, Victor Barnard, who was once associated with The Way International and is a Way Corps 14 graduate.

Barnard started his own small Way splinter group, River Road Fellowship, apparently sometime in the 1990s. I was familiar with the splinter group from reading about it after I had left The Way. (link: River Road Fellowship in Finlayson, Minnesota) I do not know Victor Barnard.

I expected that perhaps the news-story video would show another Way splinter group leader teaching odd doctrines and taking advantage of followers. I did not expect to view what I did - a man, Victor Barnard, who selected a group of young women whom he kept isolated in a David Koresh or Warren Jeffs type environment to serve God and to serve the man of God, Victor Barnard. Parents of at least two of these women had given permission for their then-young-teenage daughters to become part of Victor Barnard's "Maidens."

According to the video clip, sometime in the past 10-plus years, Barnard had selected 10 teenage girls/young ladies that Barnard called "the Maidens." The youngest girls were 12 and 13 years old at the time they were chosen. The sexual abuse began within a year or so of becoming one of Barnard's "maidens." I gather from the video clip that these girls were selected because they were the "first born" in their families and thus, according to Barnard, were sacrifices for God. These girls left their parents (who were loyal Barnard followers and agreed to the girls being given in service to God under Barnard) and their homes to live with Barnard as part of "the Maidens."

Kudos upon kudos to the two young women, now apparently in their early 20s, who have come forward publicly in the video news clip after going to police two years ago. One young woman had her calendars, with notes, and other items she had saved in a box that she brought forward as evidence to the police.

Perhaps the act of these two young women coming forward will empower other Barnard victims to also speak out.

The video below was published 2/26/14. I wish there was a transcript to go with the video, but I can't find one.

I hope an investigation is pursued; these women deserve at least that much. According to the news link, "A detective in Spokane, Wash., told the Fox 9 Investigators his last lead on Barnard came a few months ago and did not check out. Barnard's exact whereabouts remain unknown."

INVESTIGATORS: Maidens of River Road

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Links to posts on toss & ripple about Barnard:
3/01/14: Victor Barnard and River Road Fellowship
4/19/14: More thoughts regarding Victor Barnard...and influence...and The Way...and...
8/18/2014: Victor Barnard: "Preaching Lies" to air on "The Hunt," Sunday, August 24, 2014
2/28/15: Victor Barnard is apprehended in Brazil...
6/11/17: Docudrama: "Deliver Us From Evil"
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Updates: Below are links to news stories up through Barnard's arrest on 2/27/15. To access news links after the arrest, click here: Victor Barnard is apprehended in Brazil....

March 6, 2014: Pine County attorney reviews case against alleged cult leader

April 11, 2014: Legal complaint and warrant outlines charges. The "Statement of Probable Cause," beginning on page 23, outlines a summary.

April 16, 2014: Media reports are now circulating. Following are four links to videos/articles that fill in more detail.

• Charges: Minister sexually abused young 'Maidens' in Minnesota camp for years
• Pine County sect leader charged with abusing girls, remains at large
• Alleged cult leader Victor Barnard charged with molesting 'Maidens'
• Victim of Barnard: "I'm even"

April 17, 2014: Victor Barnard: The history of a cult leader (includes a snapshot of The Way International)

April 18, 2014: From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune: "Friends recall the rise and fall Victor Barnard: From charismatic kid to wanted fugitive, friends recall how a kid from Minneapolis fell in with The Way and lost his way."
April 18, 2014: "Where is Victor Barnard?" Update regarding the search.

April 24, 2014: VICTOR BARNARD: Ex-follower says cult leader defended molester

April 26, 2014:Former River Road Fellowship follower, Kehla Backman, shares part of her story, published by Gawker: The More You Commit, the More the Leader Loves You

April 27, 2014: More insight and history (not previously published) regarding the evolution of Victor Barnard's rule over his congregation, by the Minneapolis StarTribune:
Caught in a cult's dark embrace

April 27, 2014: From Fox9 News, a timeline of significant life events in Victor Barnard's past:
VICTOR BARNARD: Timeline of a cult leader

April 27, 2014:Betrayed followers say sect leader Barnard’s abuse surfaced gradually

May 17, 2014: An article written by journalist, Karl Kahler, a previous Way follower and fellow Way Corps 14 graduate with Barnard: Victor Barnard called the girls brides of Christ - and 'he was Christ'

August 13, 2014: WANTED: Cult leader Victor Barnard possibly spotted in Washington

August 14, 2014: Minneapolis StarTribune shares a few more details about the sighting: Minnesota cult fugitive spotted in Washington state

February 28, 2015: Globo: Leader of sect, American wanted for sex crimes is stuck in RN

February 28, 2015: KMSP: Cult leader Victor Barnard captured in Brazil  

February 28, 2015: Minneapolis StarTribune: Fugitive Minnesota cult leader Victor Barnard arrested in Brazil
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