Ramblings of an apathetic mind....

I don't even know if I will click publish on this blog piece.
If I do, like other pieces, it will be unedited at first.
Will I tweak it? I don't want to...it just needs to pour off my pen, so to speak.
I have been journaling regularly. My journal is not for public eyes.
This piece will be a public journal-type piece.

I'm tired and wearied.
I find my apathy toward life almost appalling.

I just googled again "methotrexate and fatigue."
It could be that my lack of energy and my apathy is at least in part due to methotrexate. I take 12.5 mg one time per week. I don't yet know how much the methotrexate is helping the peripheral neuropathy and inflammation in my nerve roots. I do know that the spinal steroid injections have definitely helped.

I'm currently coming off prednisone which I've been on since July, 2011. I'm down to 2.5 mg and so far, so good. I'll go to 1 mg in a week or so and then go to 0 mg before my next spinal injections in April.

Once I'm off the prednisone for a month or so, and once I hit the six-month mark on the methotrexate (which will be July, 2014), then I should be able to maybe experiment with the methotrexate to see how much it is doing weighed with the steroid spinal injections.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just be fatigued and apathetic.

At least I cried this morning which means I felt something.

Not to spread my pity party germs, but wanting to at least get my thoughts out there...and hopefully not come across as complaining...and I'm not looking for advice...this is more like an observation of circumstances....

Hubby and I became empty-nesters this past year.

Hubby and I will be married 30 years come September, 2014. I don't write much publicly about our marriage and I won't do that now other than to say...our 30-year challenges are not that much different from other long-term marriage relationship challenges, at least from what I've read.

I've lived without normal limb function now since May, 2011. There have been up times, when I was on higher doses of prednisone. Now, the pain is minimal, but the weakness and muscular degeneration remain. I can't perform my toning exercises yet and I don't know if I ever will be able to; they still cause too much shooting pain in my biceps. But I could at least walk or do some yoga or something; but my apathy and fatigue seem to win out most often.

I can go a couple or more days now without speaking to people, other than to Hubby; and even that chat is minimal. Thing is, I don't really want to do anything about cultivating relationships so I'm not complaining...just an observation.

I have no great mission in my life. I've given up my dream of thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, which in the past gave me motivation.

The stomach-churning Knapp crap effected me deeply and effected the way I once wore my heart on my sleeve, effected my innate trust of others. Maybe that's not a bad thing; I learned about evil in an up close encounter. Some may say "evil" is an exaggeration; I would disagree.

I seem to believe in a theistic creator less and less, though I still go back and forth. The bible story has become more and more a fairy tale...which puts me farther and farther outside the camp from some of my friends who are still believers. I can handle that...except for one individual who has meant a lot to me in my past. I feel that person is forever gone as far as a relationship goes. Another loss than I am currently struggling with not to mention the loss of the belief system. I recently read some Psalms, they didn't resonate. I recently read from Ecclesiastes; it did resonate.

My parents are both dead. Mom died in 2009, Dad in 1996. I've never visited their gravesites. Maybe I should. I have little contact with my siblings, but we have never really been close anyway.

Repeating myself...I've been on oral prednisone since July, 2011, and have been through lab-rat roulette the last couple years. At least now I've gotten reasonable relief, though I'm on a different drug with different side effects. At least I get good sleep now.

I've still not cleaned up my house...old Way stuff, boxes and boxes from Mom's place still packed up to go through, the kids stuff still strewn about in their rooms, accumulations. We need a new roof on the house.

I scold myself for being so apathetic about life, for not being more thankful, more motivated. I have food and water and shelter and clothes and modern conveniences. My family is in good health. Life is good, especially compared to most of the world which is war-torn and poverty-stricken. I feel like a real jerk for thinking my problems are real problems. Well, they aren't really problems; they are simply circumstances.

Time now to go out into the world, face to face - run some errands, walk some dachshunds, and visit the dentist.