Getting Things Right

non-subject:  "getting things right"
(aww 11/04/09)
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I don't know if I can write tonight.  I'm tired.  I'm depressed.

I think so much about writing.  Sometimes when I go to write it all comes out in a jumble; a disjointed jumble.  That's what life is, or is it?  It's not disjointed; there are segues, so many segues.

Today I wanted to write an Epilogue II to my 1983 journal entries I recently finished transcribing.  I actually completed a project.

At first, when I completed the transcription and wrote the Epilogue, I felt like I'd come to a final chapter.  It was sobering.  The journal covers over a year when I was in The Way Corps; the same year that Craig Martindale was inaugurated as the 2nd president of The Way; the same year that Victor Paul Wierwille, the founder, revealed the only way the Mystery, The Ministry, could live; the same year my dad had his car wreck leaving him a quadriplegic until his death 13 years later; the same year I knew it was over between Luke and I, Luke who had been the father of the aborted life in my womb; the same year I failed again, the 2nd time in a row within a 5 to 6 year period, that I AWOLed from my Ministry commitment, from The Way Corps.

After completing the project and feeling I'd come to a final chapter, I then felt I'd only just begun. 

I didn't get around to writing an Epilogue II today. 

I'm back to crying again.

I've thought of writing more about Rhia's recent stay in our home.  I've thought about writing about the events that happened at GreasespotCafe beginning in 2006.  GreaseSpotCafe, the online anti-Way forum.  It bothers me that I don't have a voice at the main place folks seem to end up looking for information on The Way.

I've thought of going back and trying to post in the forums again at GreaseSpot; I quickly talk myself out of it.  To me it'd be kind of like going back to The Way.  My husband has expressed, on more than one occasion, rather tongue-in-cheek but yet not, "Carol, many of the people there need serious help."  I think of Charlene's recent article on fundamentalism.  Part of it I like, but part makes me uncomfortable.  I think it is the dogmatic approach against fundamentalism? In a sense, to me, that is still fundamentalism.  Not Christian fundamentalism, but rather a fundamentalism regarding ambiguity. That sounds like a contradiction of terms. I guess it's not ambiguity, but fundamentalism regarding intellectualism or open mindedness? If a person believes their way (belief system) is the right one and others wrong, even if they state their way is open to ideas, isn't that a type of fundamentalism?  I mean, what if the Islam or Christian fundies end up right? Not that I think that. But if they are right, then I could be bound for hell; so be it.

Am I wrong to say it's o.k. that a person still supports The Way; I mean if that person finds happiness there, if that person isn't harming others?  Do I believe The Way is harmful?  At this point, on the scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst, I'd say The Way is a 5 or 6.  The most harmful thing about The Way now, in my opinion, is the stifling of autonomy.  That, the stifling of autonomy, seems prevalent in many groups, schools, families, governments.

I still grieve.  I'm not a whiner; at least I don't think I am.  I often don't want to look at the past; on the other hand I do want to look at it.  But why?  What difference does it make?  And it is so damn complicated.  I want to be able to take a scene, a momentary scene, and see it, smell it, feel it.  But sometimes when I start to write, instead of a scene I get an avalanche and find my self buried under complexity.

If I rip away analogy, tear it off like wrapping paper to just see what is there, what will I find?  Do I believe it when I see it?  Do I believe that is what is there or do I think I make it up? Do I think I embellish?  Do I think I make it something it isn't?

Post Script, a few hours later:  Opinions.  Sometimes I feel pressure to "take sides" when it comes to The Way or any type absolute (fundamentalist) belief system.  I think of something I wrote some months back about "Crusades, Fence Sitters, and Yarn."  I do have opinions, I just need to recognize them and realize that they may change.  My opinions regarding The Way are just as valid as anyone else's.  For me, they should be more valid, huh?  It's not like I've had no experience....
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