Journal entry
Full moon tonight. If Jesus was resurrected, it would have been (possibly) late this afternoon, sometime before sunset, some 2000+ years ago. There was no light pollution back then. The night would have been quite bright with that full moon.
I wonder if their really was a resurrection?
I was thinking today about Jesus on the cross...how he forgave people. How he was willing to be the scapegoat and that God, if there is one and if He inspired the Scriptures, chose the word "lamb" instead of "goat." Jesus was willing to be wronged. He didn't have to prove he was right; he knew it.
I don't have to prove I'm right regarding Knapp.
But I confess my blood simmers when I read Knapp's words condemning liars, charging leaders to own up and be accountable, mocking corruption, calling out people who Knapp perceives as crossing boundaries, and playing a victim of continued abusive relationships. I want to call him on it. Those acts of others which he is so loud about as he points fingers at them, are the very acts of which Knapp is guilty; yet, he hasn't owned up. He has erased, discarded, masked. Just like the hypocrites' masks of the ancient Greek stage.
I think the most honest words I ever heard Knapp state were, "I'm an imposter." Knapp and I were talking on Skype on July 27, 2010. I had made an appointment with him the night before. I made the no-charge appointment to discuss some emotional upheavals I'd been having, mainly due to the new working relationship with Knapp. He had solicited my help as "Creative Director" on a then-forming non-profit, and I was volunteering on his then-cult-recovery support and activists online forum. It was hard on me, and I wasn't sure of my place nor how to approach him about what I was dealing with. I wasn't even sure what I was dealing with. Knapp was my "life coach" at the time and had been my mental health therapist, but I had stopped paying him at the end of June. I was still emotionally and psychologically weaning from my client/therapist relationship with him.
The July 27 appointment started with me talking about the hard time I was having in this new role. The appointment ended with Knapp sharing his challenges...how he was distraught and overwhelmed. He had problems in his marriage, his finances, his work. He didn't see a way out from under the pile that had mounted.
I asked him how long it had been since he'd had a vacation. He shook his head and said, "Years." As Knapp shared I wondered to myself, "This is my life coach?" Immediately I rationalized that thought; John was just having a bad day and needed to vent. He's human too.
I looked at him and listened to him on Skype; his eyes were teary as he gazed into the distance. He ran his hands through his hair in distress. I noticed how thick and dark his hair was. He turned his head to his left and looked downward. Shaking his head and wiping his eyes, he said, "I'm an imposter."
I never ever imagined how very true to fact those words would become. He really is an imposter.
At some point I might call Knapp out with his own lies. But, I don't know if it'd be worth my energy. If I do approach it, I'll wait until after NY state's gavel determines its penalties, if any.
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4/25/12 Added note: Re-reading this piece, the "thick dark hair" description brought to mind how Knapp literally changed his appearance. I have no problem with people changing and getting make-overs, but Knapp's timing in his make-over is another indication (to me) of Knapp's deception. I mailed my complaint to the NY Office of Professional Discipline the last day of September, 2010. New York opened my complaint in December, 2010. The left photo below is the John I met in 2008 and what he looked like through at least July, 2010. The right photo appeared online sometime around February/March, 2011. The photos below are readily available via the web.
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