journal entry
4/22/12
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How does one put into words the effects of betrayal?
What is the worst betrayal?
I think it would have to be the betrayal of one's self.
Lately I have struggled again, deeply and daily, with the after-effects of Knapp's betrayal.
Within Knapp's betrayal I betrayed my self.
How so?
I lost a part of me that trusted people.
And I tried to wear shoes that Knapp thought I could fulfill; that of an activist for cult-recovery.
I'd never seen myself as an activist.
On the other hand, I was an activist for The Way, at least in my early years as a believer. I'd "witness the Word to anything that moved." So, I guess that was being an activist.
Yet, it turned sour when I AWOLed the Way Corps twice. I broke my word - my promise to God, to myself, to my financial supporters, to my Word Over the World Ambassador family and team, to the HQ kitchen staff and the set up crew for the Outreach Services Center.
How do I put into words the damage Knapp wrought in my psyche?
I pulled out one of my goal journals today. In it were notes from when I used to counsel with Knapp. He told me I was a writer and an artist. I heard his kind voice today, in my head - the counselor voice, as I read those notes.
I then felt bad for having spoken out as I have against him, revealing his hypocrisy.
It ripped me apart on the inside.
I fantasized today about the hearing...if I end up having to go to New York to testify against Knapp. I fantasized Knapp's defense attorney asking me why I went public when I did.
I had three answers:
1) Knapp was soliciting people and money from the public for his non-profit of which I had knowledge about and his dishonesty in how it was put together.
2) Once he began soliciting, I wanted to retract my previous public endorsements. To do so, I revealed why I was retracting them.
3) For my own empowerment and self-respect after decades of silencing my voice within a restrictive religious group.
In my fantasy, Knapp's lawyer asked, "Which one of those reasons was most important to you?"
My answer was, "I don't know. I can't measure that."
"You must choose one. You cannot have an ambivalent answer," the attorney replied.
"Why not?" I asked.
"We don't allow ambivalence," he replied.
I feel such deep hatred at times toward Knapp. Why can't I get his influence out of my blood stream? How did I become so infected?
How can I be kind, when at times I feel vengeance in my heart regarding Knapp? It's not like he is Hitler.
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4 comments:
Today I watched Dateline's "Murder on the Mind" and I felt a chill in the way the man on the screen talked. Here was an individual who had practiced as a therapist, just as Knapp did, who had also gravely injured the psyche of one of his clients...by trying to involve him in a murder.
Now I know that things were not as severe or extreme in your case, but the pain, the anger, and the hunger for justice? All real, reasonable, and very powerful emotions. There's a reason we are not quick to forgive those who violate our trust...trust is the one sacred thing we have outside of whatever faith we carry with us. For the spiritually abused, to lose both faith and trust is beyond devastating, and reclaiming at least one of these is crucial.
You're allowed. I cheer for an upcoming court date. I hope you get the chance to testify. I hope justice is served. Peace is difficult to obtain on stuff like this, especially when it isn't likely that forgiveness will bring about much comfort.
It is that real and that painful. You don't have to minimize it. You're still doing the right thing.
Hang in there,
"Tigger"
I'm a Winnie-the-Pooh fan...and a Tigger fan too. ;D <3
Thanks for the support Tigger. I know you know all too well about soul murder (not the literally physical murder that the man in the dateline episode was trying to involve a client in).
Now I'm going to google Dateline Murder on the Mind.
xoxo
Omg....I found a transcript of the Dateline story.
Link:
Murder on the Mind
I've only read the beginning of it. *gulp* The tactics are eerily familiar, though in my (and others' cases) the deal Knapp pitched wasn't about making money, but rather about helping others.
Below are a few paragraphs from the Dateline transcript article that have that eerie familiarity(italics mine).
"What Dennis White didn't know is that just as he was starting to pull himself together, his psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Karpf, was coming unraveled.
Looking back, Dennis says, there were subtle signs that something was wrong.
Sometimes, he says, Dr. Karpf looked befuddled, slouched in his chair, barely saying a word.
Dennis White: "He just seemed subdued, and then after leaving the session, I was like, "OK." You know, I didn't get anything out of that.'
But the biggest red flag came on the day when, Dennis says, the doctor who had always done the listening started doing the talking, pitching an investment deal.
Dennis White: 'What he explained to me, was, is that I could make a lot of money.'
Dennis says he was flattered that his doctor, a man with several degrees on his wall, would offer him, a mechanic, a chance to go into business with him. But the more Dennis learned about his psychiatrist’s business plan, the more skeptical he became."
I just went back and finished reading the transcript.
Omg...
Wow, just wow...
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