Gravity

*~aww, 4/16/14, it does not define me~*

Pepe and I arrived at the Muddy Creek Greenway. We parked in the small gravel parking area on Robinhood Road. Pepe sat beside me in the passenger seat as my copilot. He gazed out his window; I'm sure he was eager to walk and sniff and make his marks letting other critters know, Pepe was here!

He looked at me with his hazel eyes...filled with trust. "I love you too, Pepe," I responded.

I climbed out of the driver's side of the 1999 gray Ford Explorer. I walked around the vehicle and opened Pepe's door. "Stay," I commanded firmly as I donned my green parka and my multi-jewel-toned woven cotton scarf. The weather was cool today. Pepe obediently waited like he knew I had his safety in mind. I clasped his leash onto his collar, picked him up, and placed him all fours on the gravel. Pepe is a small dog, white and fluffy, probably some sort of miniature poodle mix. He reminds me of a little human boy, always in discovery mode.

We made our way down the small gravel parking area onto the paved Greenway. The Beatles were singing "here comes the sun" through my Bluetooth earpiece. The sky was crystal blue and the sun bright; the time was around 5:00 PM.

My body felt heavy as I moved along. Thoughts meandered through my mind.

The movie "Gravity" that I saw last night in 3D at the $2.50 theater - when Ryan Stone was losing oxygen; I could hear her wheeze. I could feel the fluid build up in her lungs. I know what that feels like...to not be able to breathe. When Ryan Stone was back on earth, after landing in the water and finally making her way to solid ground, her legs wouldn't work at first. I could feel that too...I know what it's like to pull myself out of the water wherein my limbs are buoyant and then non-buoyant as they hit the air. Neuropathy can cause one's limbs to feel so very heavy.

I joined the YWCA last week and started a water exercise program. On my first visit to my first water class, I climbed into the pool from a side wall, instead of using a ladder. I was instructed I need to use the ladder when getting in and out. At the end of my the class, I struggled while using the ladder as I climbed out of the water. My arms were barely strong enough to pull my body weight up as my non-buoyant body hit the atmosphere.

Pepe and I walked along the Greenway. Absorbed in my thoughts, I didn't notice the heaviness of body as much. Thoughts continued to meander.

I've again been pulled back into reading and thinking and conversing about and writing about cults. I wonder what some people think when they read my blog. Do they think I'm 'stuck' in my cult past? Does my past define me? I really don't like it when people say things like, "My illness does not define me," or "Such and such trauma does not define me."

My life lived defines me. That includes all of it...from jimson weed to my children to my marriage to my decades in The Way to the illnesses to my dream of thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail.

I wish that was what defined me, that dream of thru-hiking the AT...that somehow the dream will turn into a reality.