Gains and Losses

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prompt or not: "how i look"
aww ~ 8:45
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I used to have a flat belly. I don't anymore.

In my early twenties, I wore a size 4, later growing into a size 6, then a size 8, then a size 10, then a size 12, and now usually a size 14, sometimes 12, depending on how a garment is made.

Steroid intake over the last three years doesn't help my mid-line.

I'd be lying if I said I don't miss the days of my flat belly...or at least smaller waistline and smaller bust-line and smaller arms. Smaller and toned; my body used to have tone.

I joined the YWCA a couple weeks ago. When I joined I met with a lady on staff, Hazel, who weighed me, measured me, and calculated my Body Mass Index, BMI. My BMI is 28; my goal it to make it 25.

When measuring my thighs, Hazel states, "Your thighs are sure small." I had never had small thighs in my past; they used to be muscular.

Hazel and I discus my goals. My main goal is to build my strength and endurance. Due to nerve damage, my muscles have degenerated. Weight loss would be a side benefit; but I could use to lose 30 pounds. If ever I get strong enough to again take up backpacking, I'd want that 30 pounds to be my backpack, not my body.

I educate Hazel a little bit about nerve damage...that I cannot lift or bear weights. That I want to give pool exercises a try, especially for my arms. To see if they can once again take on some tone and gain strength.

Hazel and I discuss my eating habits.

"Gathering at the Store" 1000 pieces

"It's not that what I eat is unhealthy," I tell her. "It's that I eat too much. Especially at night. I've done better the last couple weeks - eating more consciously. And eating less at night. I recently built a jigsaw puzzle to occupy my hands at night instead of grabbing food."


"Well, let's make that your first goal," Hazel responds. "Don't eat after 8:00 PM."

"Okay," I reply thinking to myself...yeah right.

I have failed miserably. In fact, my mind totally rebelled against that goal. I was faring better before I made the no-eating-after-8:00-PM commitment.

What is this? I've asked myself. I make a commitment to not eat after 8:00 and now...my mind and taste buds have gone into overdrive. "Eat. Eat. Eat." Okay Carol, maybe you should make the cut off time 9:00? But, why do you even try? And with these steroids you take, how will you ever rid that belly tube? Only in first world countries do we have this problem of too much food.

I've felt more guilty about the abundance of food than about not keeping my no-eating-after-8:00-PM commitment.

The YWCA water exercise class I attend is fun; much laughter is shared. We get a good workout; I'm always tired afterward. I am probably the youngest person in the class; most are in their latter sixties and up into their eighties. Usually I am the only white person; most participants are black. The class usually has eight to ten participants. A few members have shared their stories as we have sat in the whirlpool after class. The group inspires me.

Class always ends with prayer. Willy, the instructor, calls us to form a circle in the pool. We hold hands, and he calls on someone to pray. People in the circle whisper, "Thank you Lord," and "Thank you Jesus." I am silent.

After the prayer, someone shares a joke for the day. The final note is lighthearted laughter.

If Willy ever asks me to pray, and I imagine he will, I'll have to decline. I no longer pray aloud in groups. I'm not even sure if a god is listening.