Lately I've been thinking about my GreaseSpot Cafe years...remembering, re-reading, pondering.
Last night, as I re-read what some folks at the Cafe had to say about me a few years back, I thought to myself, How on God's green earth did I end up in such a mess? Their words attributed to me things I had not done and insinuated I had ulterior motives which I didn't, and still don't, have.
The back story behind the mess flipped through my brain cells...how one thing led to another. Like a film on rewind, frames quickly paced through my mind backwards. As I rewound into my Way years, the reel went into slow-motion...through a fog of events. I felt part of myself blame my Way years for the GreaseSpot Cafe mess in which I found myself a couple years after I'd left The Way.
Then the reel began to move forward...from my Way years up to when I first posted online, a couple months after leaving The Way. And the reel stopped...there...around the end of December, 2005, when I made my first post in the sometimes weird, mostly intriguing, online world of text communication...no voice, no facial expression, no touch...just words on a screen sometimes sprinkled with textual symbols depicting emotion.
I was nervous as I introduced myself via that first post at the Cafe. One of the Cafe regulars commented on how my GSC profile didn't reveal much. I immediately felt I had done 'it' wrong, so I added information to my GSC profile. I later learned that many members at GSC, and elsewhere online, reveal little on their profiles.
I spent hours upon hours, every day, as much as I could, at the Cafe. GSC was the online gathering place for ex-Way folks. Cafe members reached out to me with genuine listening ears and helping hands. I was reunited with old friends, some whom I hadn't communicated with in decades. It was like finding The Way again for the first time...I felt a deep 'this-is-it' bond, like at that first Twig fellowship. I felt I was finding my heart again.
Within seven months, I was being interviewed by the GSC administrator for an upcoming podcast. The interview was via phone. We had two phone conversations, each a couple hours long. I was nervous; the interview was going to be public on GreaseSpot Radio. About all I recall now from the interview was sharing how I found The Way, and I recall the kindness of the administrator during the interview and some things he shared with me about his own life and him telling me I did a great job on the interview and that he was going to edit it and then send me the edited version for me to hear before he made it public. He said he'd be in touch with me in a couple weeks.
A couple weeks went by. Then a few more weeks.
What was taking so long? Did I somehow mess something up? But what was it I could have messed up? Has he sent me an email or private message that I somehow missed or that got lost in a technology glitch? Should I contact him and ask? But he is so busy and has so much on his plate; I don't want to bother him. The interview did happen, didn't it? I'm not making it up. Carol, just send him a private message and ask; stop second guessing yourself so much.
I sent Admin a cordial private message inquiring about the interview.
He responded cordially that he'd been busy and that he'd have it reviewed in another couple weeks and would be in touch.
Oh good, I hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't me. My self-conscious, self-blaming gremlin was put to rest.
A couple weeks went by...and a couple more...and another week...and...
I wonder if everything is okay? Did I somehow miss correspondence Admin may have sent me? This is so nerve wracking; I feel again that I've screwed something up. But I haven't done anything. He did say a couple weeks, right? I'm not making that up. But it's been almost three months now since the interview. Should I inquire again? If I inquire again, will I sound whiny and needy?
I respectfully wrote Admin again. The only way I had to contact him was via private message on GreaseSpot.
He responded via private message. Something like, "I told you I was busy and that I'd get to you when I have it done." That was it. No apology for the delay. No "hope you are doing well." Just a cold statement; a statement that wasn't true. He had told me a couple weeks, both times.
I immediately went into what I call subservient mode. He was right; I was wrong. I must have misunderstood him. But he did say a couple weeks both times. But I should have known better than to write again; he's busy with his life and family and the burden of running GreaseSpot. How can I be so dumb as to have bothered him? I felt like I was back in The Way, asking questions of leadership that I should know better than to ask. I immediately squelched that feeling, I must be projecting.
I wrote him back that I'd received his private message and apologized for the inconvenience and thanked him for all the work he does for folks leaving The Way. My message was genuine, from my heart. But I didn't mention my confusion regarding the "couple weeks." After all, I must have been projecting...that was my problem, not his.
Admin never responded. The interview was never mentioned again, even when I met Admin face-to-face a month later. I was too self-conscious to bring up the subject; I had already been put in my place one time.
A few months later, someone else, much more important than I, took my place for that podcast. By that time though, Admin and I had had a falling out. But our falling out had nothing to do with my interview.
I wonder what I shared in that interview?
6 comments:
That admin sounded very rude Carol, and I know how you must have felt in all this....ugh.
I relate to the mess. I was once a MOD in a "free thinking" forum and well, let me put it this way, it did not go well in the end with the ADMIN and he went off on me and another when we resigned on principal on a certain matter. His verbal abuse was in the top 2 of what I've ever had unleashed on me.
He tried to make me feel insecure and patronized me as a woman. He tried to make me stupid and a puddle of nerves. He mocked and laughed. Thing is, he reminded me of the former pastor who spiritually abused us . . . odd that this ex-Christian minister fit the mode of spiritual abuser quite nicely, though no longer a Christian. I was on to him because I'd been through it all before. So glad I got out of that mess. It was all about ego. Sounds like it might have been the case with your ADMIN too. Can't win in such a situation.
Within a few months, things really went downhill for me at GreaseSpot.
After my first falling out with Admin (which initially happened over five months after the interview and had nothing to do with the interview), I began researching anti-cult cults.
I would handle the GSC situations (there were multiple) a bit differently now...at least I hope I would.
I wonder if the GSC stuff would have turned out differently if the situations happened face-to-face instead of online...behind keyboards.
Unfortunately (or maybe not, depending on how one looks at it), I hired John Knapp mainly because of what happened via the GreaseSpot Cafe scenarios.
I hear you Zoe...it's like learning the hard way. Glad you were able to recognize what was happening and then remove yourself.
Yes, it was rude. And I cowered.
I still am challenged with people who are overly confident in their opinions...thinking they must be right and I must be wrong. But...I do much better at regulating that internal response. I doubt I will ever completely be rid of the gremlin.
When Admin and I had our first disagreement in December, 2006, I confess I was rude right back at that point. Not necessarily the high road...I was just blunt.
PS: I've had much less computer time lately due to life and work circumstances. I hope to soon be able to catch up on reading at Alice's and Bruce's and a couple other blogs.
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