A Different Face

prompt or not: a different face
aww ~ 5/14/14
***
I have no idea what to write.

But I know that I must write. If for no other reason, than to keep the fluid active.

***

I wore make up today; something I have seldom done in the last eight years.

"Eight years."
I left The Way a little over eight-and-a-half years ago.

Since leaving The Way, I wonder how much the physical visage of my face has changed, if it has changed at all?
Do I look mellower?
Do I look less stressed?
How many more wrinkles do I have now than then?
Would I have more wrinkles and stress lines had a I stayed with The Way?
Are my wrinkles and visage changes simply due to aging?
How much did the Knapp-crap age me?
How much has the neuropathy aged me?
How much have years aged me?
Since leaving The Way, does my visage offer life and hope, or apathy and pain?

On more than one occasion I've felt that the phrase, "I left The Way," is odd.
Sometimes I state, "I exited The Way."

Maybe I use "exit" because to "exit" feels more mechanical, like walking through the "exit" doorway at a movie theater, or taking the "exit" ramp off a highway to get to a specific destination. It's a linear, orderly action taken to reach the next logical path, usually toward a specific point. "Exit" is what I do to get to a place where I know I am going. "Exit" feels detached from emotion.

The word "leaving" reminds me more of death. A leaf falls from a tree, "leaving" and cutting itself off from its life source - to rot and to then nourish. There was an attachment before "leaving." "Leaving" is messy. "Leaving" feels more personable, less linear, less orderly than taking an "exit."

Maybe I want to pretend that I simply "exited" The Way, taking the next linear step to the next orderly and logical part of the journey.

But it's not been linear or orderly; yet, there has been some logic.

Maybe I want to deny that I ever "joined" The Way; so how could I ever "leave" it?

"Leaving" seems so permanent, a permanence of "out of sight, out of mind."

For me, I doubt The Way will ever be "out of sight, out of mind."

There will always be a rear view mirror.

Mirrors provide reflection, which is a good thing, for the most part.

The Way with its doctrines, its hierarchy, its mandates, its directives - was part of my life blood for decades.

I "exited" an organization, a structure.

But I'm still in process of "leaving" ... and dying ... and probably will be until my last physical breath.

Way Tree Emblem

The Way structured itself like a tree, "The Way Tree."

Each believer was a "Leaf" on that mighty tree.

The former 1970s/1980s Way musical band Pressed Down, Shaken Together, and Running Over, wrote and performed a song about The Way Tree. The song is entitled, I Am A Leaf.

***

Listen here: I Am A Leaf

Sun shines softly on my face
The sweet air surrounds me
I'm perched here in my quiet place
To bless this mighty tree
The rain falls slowly from the sky
To kiss the ground near me
Our thirsty roots take in the water
Giving life to me

I am a leaf
On a mighty tree

I am a leaf
I am a leaf
On a mighty tree

Growing is a quiet song
Sung softly to the heart
A gentle peaceful melody
From the great conductor's chart
A bold majestic symphony
A revelry of love
Embracing joy
Enlaced with laughter
And wisdom from above

I am a leaf
On a mighty tree

I am a leaf
I am a leaf
On a mighty tree

A tree in the morning light
Standing so tall
Applauding the grace of God
Rooted strong
In life's sweet song of love
One man's stand may not seem like much
But when we look we see
Jesus Christ,
He was a man
And he set many free

I am a leaf
On a mighty tree
I am a leaf
I am a leaf
On a mighty tree
On a mighty tree
On a mighty tree