entry ~ heritage ~

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December 31, 2009 - 12:10 AM

I haven't written in seven days?  I think that's correct.  Why haven't I written in seven days?  I don't know.

Christmas happened; it was a good day.  We went to my brother's new home for the day.

Hmmm....this isn't what I really want to write about. Remember that I don't have to write to please anyone; nor do I need to write to publish my writing. Yet for some reason I probably will throw this entry up on a blog.  I'll tweak it a bit; I usually do.  I keep the original though; I have learned to keep the original. I had a piece once that I tweaked so much, the original got lost in the midst; the essence of what I wanted to express became almost empty, like a shell housing hollow facts.

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As of 12/30/09, we have new floors on the lower level of our house.  John and Joshua and I packed up all the collection and remnants of life that were stashed in various corners.  John and Joshua moved lots of furniture out of the rooms that were getting the new floors; I felted the bottom of the furniture we didn't move out.

Now the hardwood is laid and I need to dust, vaccuum, wipe down, and rearrange the furniture.  I imagine I will leave most of the packed remnants in boxes for now. Most of it I've not used or touched in a couple years.  I have the boxes labeled.  I won't toss or sale those remnants yet.  I have time to go through them over the next years to discard what will be discarded and to preserve what will be preserved.

I found a TWI banner in the closet.  It's white cloth, about eight inches by twelve inches, with green tasselling at the bottom. The bottom has two edges that come down at an angle to a center point.  I think there may be gold trim at the top of the banner and perhaps at the bottom, right above the green fringe.  A wooden rod with decorative horizontal mosque-shaped ends slips through the top of the banner, like a tiny curtain rod.  A gold entwined cord is tied to each end of the rod; that is how the banner hangs. The banner states The Way International in the circular emblem which I think also has The Way Tree symbol, a tree trunk with an open Bible as the tree crown.  I used to draw those regularly when I'd doodle. I always liked trees, still do. "The Word of God is The Will of God" is written in block letters across the banner, I think in three lines with "is" sitting alone on the middle line.

I didn't toss the banner; I rolled it and placed it in a box with some other stuff, and then labeled and taped the box.  I'm not sure why I kept the banner.  In an odd way, I feel it is part of my heritage.  I can't just throw it away; not yet.  Maybe never.

Nor did I toss the framed print of Craig and Doctor.  I didn't know I still had it.  I thought I had tossed it, but there it was in the back of the closet, sticking up out of a box.  It surprised me and I thought, "Oh..."  I felt a bitter sweetness amble through my heart.

I had once truly believed The Way to be the Household of God and The Way Corps to be the highest calling.  I believed I had been trained with the finest training on earth and that I had turned my back on my Way Corps calling. Yet I still tried to live up to it; Craig had encouraged me after I dropped to continue using my training, that there weren't enough of us for any to sit on the sidelines. The belief system and the structure were the fabric of my life.  I had loved Craig as a brother and Doctor as a father; both as my spiritual teachers, guides, protectors of hearts and pillars of integrity.

Yet I have no doubt that Craig and Doctor and other past and/or present leaders have abused.  I don't think the sexual abuse goes on anymore in The Way; but I do think spiritual and emotional abuses continue.  The doctrine over person and heirarchy system will probably always be standard opertaing procedure within The Way.  Those two aspects seem regular fare in fundamentalist-type groups.

Sometimes I wish I could feel the anger and rage toward Craig and Doctor that others feel.  I feel guilt that I don't feel that 'righteous anger.'  With that guilty feeling, I have an image of Ralph or some of the Greasespot Cafe judge and jury hollering at me, telling me what scum those leaders were. Shouldn't I be angry?

I have felt anger toward Way leaders, but not to the extent that I have felt rage toward certain ex-Way followers who 'self-righteously' judge ex- or current-TWI leaders (or other TWI followers), all the while excusing or being blind to their own abusive past (or even present) words and deeds.

It confuses me at times.  I then breathe deeply and tell myself that my confusion is understandable.  I'm responsible for me, not for them.  And if I sit in self-righteous judgement, I could be guilty of the same.  I don't know; if there is an eternity and so-called judgement day, I imagine we are all in for some big surprises.

Well, I didn't expect to write those last five paragraphs.  I wanted to write about the print of Craig and Doctor and the bittersweetness I felt upon seeing the print.  But now I don't want to; I feel kind of sick to my stomach.

I'll just say it is the print of the painting by the artist Tom Cowan, portrait busts of Craig and Doctor; they appear to be seated. Doctor is wearing a green ball cap with "The Way Corps" in green letters on a white background, a squared-oval patch on the front of the green cap.  Green and white were the Way Corps colors.  With his left hand Doctor is holding an open Bible, probably to Ephesians. His right hand is placed on the Bible pages like he is pointing something out as Craig is looking where Doctor's fingers are pointing. Doctor's eyes are also focused on the page where Craig is focused. Doctor has his mouth open slightly, like he is teaching or showing Craig a scriptural or spiritual truth, "the eyes of his understanding being enlightened."

Doctor's holy spirit ring on his right fourth finger is prominent; it is a ruby color which is similar to the background color of the painting. His wedding band is seen on his left fourth finger.

Craig appears to have the fingers of his right hand on the fourth finger of his left hand, like he is touching or twirling a ring.  Is it a Corps ring or a wedding ring?  I don't remember.  It seems we were told once.  Craig has on a wrist watch.  I recall Craig once stating with a chuckle something like, "If you ask me what time it is, I'll end up telling you how the watch works."  An example of how he was always "apt to teach," as the scripture commands of overseers in the Church.

"The Teacher," a poem apparently written by Doctor as his signature is under the prose, is calligraphied on the right side of the print. Doctor called himself "the teacher."  He instructed new graduates of his Power For Abundant Living Foundational Class that wanted to write him, to address their envelopes to "The Teacher."   That's what I did when I first took 'The Class' in December, 1977.  Doctor wrote me back; I was thrilled and stunned.

All the Way Corps were called to be teachers.

The Teacher

The teacher of God's Word is one of a kind

Who loves God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength;

And who loves nothing more than to teach His Word.

The teacher of God's Word is an artist

He works alone ~ reading ~ thinking ~ praying ~ studying

Believing to share his product with all the world.

The teacher of God's Word is a giver

One who gives without the gaurantee of being received;

One who rejoices without knowing if anyone else will joy;

One who corrects the irresponsible and careless;

One who gives, gives, gives, and keeps on giving.

The teacher of God's Word lives only to teach

to receive, to weigh, to discard, to develop,

to learn, to treasure, to give, to motivate,

to enlist, to stabilize, to encourage, to direct.

And may I add, and to build equipped believers,

   abassadors strong and wise

Who teach because they love the teacher's task

And find their greatest prize

In eyes that open, and in minds that ask.

                                                                                                Victor Paul Wierwille

I used to think that was such a humble poem.  Now it creeps me out, and makes me feel dirty.

I notice in this above entry that I use the word "Doctor" for V.P. Wierwille. That is how I felt about the print when I saw it; it wasn't VPW, the man, but VPW, the beloved teacher and "doctor" of the scriptures.

Why did it end up such a lie?  It causes my heart to ache, and that's o.k.

Living is a hard thing, sometimes.

I hope I'm making a new tapestry; one that is more real. Surely I am? Surely I am...

It's 1:55 AM now.  Goodnight...

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