I awake each morning. Another day. I usually awake depressed these days. Been that way most days the past year plus...depressed or anxious.
Lately, just depressed.
Not a deep depression, but rather low level. I'm still able to get up and get going. I've experienced debilitating depression in the past. I'm thankful that seldom arises anymore.
Since the public lies stated by my ex-therapist back in August and September, I've felt ostracized. After all, who wants to associate with someone like he describes...a terroristic, sadistic, cyber-stalking harasser who is crazy as a shithouse rat. Just a few of his choice words for me.
I feel tainted. Hm, similar to when I left The Way Corps, twice. I lived with that shame for decades. Rightly so, I AWOLed my posts both times.
This time, in feeling tainted, I didn't leave my posts. Rather, I spoke up.
As I pondered character assassination the other week wondering if I had engaged in such by bringing forth part of my story regarding my ex-therapist, it dawned on me that in order to assassinate a person's character, that person has to have the character to assassinate.
If one speaks the truth, with facts to corroborate that truth, it's not character assassination; it's character exposure.
My ex-therapist piled on lie after lie about me publicly. Some have believed him; they no longer communicate with me. To them, I became a non-person...or a manipulative tool....or a sociopath. They believe his lies, none of which he can back by fact. It is simply his word. He lied about others too.
Perhaps I should memoir more about the events. Pick up the keyboard and continue Freedom Trek, which will eventually lead into the GreaseSpot scandal and the Knapp scandal.
My choice of cult-recovery support was not well chosen. My anti-cult experiences ended up worse than The Way experiences. Perhaps that perspective will change over time.
Maybe not.
The other week I actually thought about returning to The Way. At least they didn't lie about me.
__________
5 comments:
What an odd Thanksgiving Day post. Oh well....
Hi Carol!
I'm so proud of how you've written about THE WAY! There are thousands of people out there reading about your experiences and learning from them.
Just think of all of those ex-Way members who can relate with everything you've experienced, and lived to tell about it! That's healing in itself!
As far as Mr. Knapp goes, his actions speak volumes of what a poor excuse he is as a healer! Thank you for warning us about bogus con artists like him!
One thing that's abundantly clear, is that you're a fighter! You're a wonderful person, a great writer, and a hell of a lot of fun! Keep it up!
Thanks Kate. You brought a tear to my eye. I'm such a sap. Ha.
It bothers me that the whole ex-therapist thing has affected me so deeply. Yet, I tell myself that it's understandable. My ex-therapist's actions and words have had a silencing effect on me...both times round - last year and again this year. He really utilized my self-doubt/self-blame button to his advantage; a button he knew very well after my two years of therapy with the dude.
There are places online to support ex-cultees. I don't know if there are places to support ex-cultees who then experience therapist abuse or abuse from cult-recovery sources. I've been pondering whether or not and how to approach something like that...how to and if to bring it up within any cult-recovery groups. Plus, I don't know if I am distanced enough from the recent harms to be able to bring it up yet.
I was re-reading this blog piece this morning:
Double Standards, Accountability, Blame Shifting: Abusers & Victims
In it Dr. Pignotti states:
"Whether the person in question is a cult leader, an anti-cult leader, a therapist or anyone else in a position of power that is being investigated for abusing that power, a classic tactic is for that person to blame the victim for speaking out by inducing guilt and shame and many other people, even educated, intelligent people, buy into that."
Knapp pretty well succeeded in that tactic. Though I have pushed through and continue to write, I still feel self-muzzled and foggy...words don't come as easily and sometimes it feels that my self-doubt is worse than it was before my therapy with Knapp. Right now, it seems that any good therapy I received from him has been negated. Perhaps that will change as time goes on. I don't know.
Well, that's a long comment.
Thanks again. I really miss Wednesday nights this round. You are one tough cookie...and inspiration to all us other cookies who read you!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Hi, Carol,
We don't know each other, but I wanted to extend my sympathies for the pain you've experienced regarding your work with Knapp. I know about his slander against you, but had never read much until my own fallout with him.
I experienced similar issues with this individual and I can see I also made a poor choice in trusting this individual. I made a terrible mistake in ever working with this individual- the end of our working relationship was in many ways as bad as my exit from my own cult.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you will remain strong. Your character cannot be destroyed- there are two sides to every story, pain is pain, and professionalism is what Knapp lacked in his actions toward you. Kudos to you for speaking out- you may be able to help and protect others in the future.
Sincerely,
Not Brave Enough
Thank you anonymous.
I imagine you are actually quite brave. IMO, that you chose to read here and comment, takes guts.
Kudos to you for getting out from under an unhealthy (dare I say, toxic) working relationship.
Thank you again.
To life and hope and health...
~Carol
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