One

aww ~ 7/11/12
non-subject: hate
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I wrote "I HATE YOU!!!!" in big capital letters and with multiple exclamation points.

My handwriting was messy.

The note was to my husband.

In a rage I tore up the note before Hubby could see it. He wasn't home anyway.

I "hated" Hubby. He was married to his job. I was just a nanny and housekeeper.

I wanted romance. Hubby had never read a book or learned anything about romance, other than what I had tried to teach him when I planned all the get-aways, the romantic evenings, the role playing. It was me trying to meet my emotional needs. I met Hubby's sexual needs.

The Way taught that I was to meet the needs of my man. The Way taught that Hubby was to meet my, his wife's, needs. But my needs weren't physical. My needs were invisible. No wet crotch signals emotional needs.

In The Way, as well as other schools of thought, the bedroom is the gauge on how healthy a marriage is; are the couple satisfying each other sexually?

Now I think that's bullshit. Sex is only part of marriage, and it's not the main part. Guinea pigs have sex.

I "hated" Hubby for not knowing how to use tools; I was the fixer in the house. Toilets, hardware, hanging art on walls, figuring out electronics. The umpteen times we moved, I was the packer and the organizer and the coordinator.

I "hated" Hubby for leaving me to raise the children as if I were alone in the task; Hubby worked 70 hours a week or was out of the country for weeks at a time.

I "hated" Hubby because his emotional needs were met. Why didn't he have these problems that I had? Why was he always so calm, cool, and collected?

But those were reasons I had married him, reasons I loved him.

I verbally abused my husband. I was trying to get him to meet my needs; needs he couldn't meet. I loathed my soul; nothing he could do would cause me to see my own worth. Of course, he seldom tried either.

He seldom tried, but he did stick around. Steadfast as the sun. What greater love could I ask for?

I quit verbally abusing my husband once I realized I was abusive. I bought a book on emotional abuse. I read it. I saw myself. I saw tactics The Way used. Perhaps I'd learned to abuse from The Way, not to mention crazy-making during my upbringing.

I once thought all people lived with crazy-making in their upbringing. I've since learned that isn't so.

After I began to get well, physically and emotionally, I asked Hubby, "Do you feel loved?" He responded, "Yes." I asked, "Have you always felt loved?" He paused for a moment to think and responded, "Yes."

I couldn't respond in the affirmative, but neither had I felt hated...except by my own soul.

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