I'm tempted to write, "Another day in my purposeless life."
What is the point of it all; "it" being this continuation of the same cycle.
Eat.
Sleep.
Wake.
Interesting that I list "eat" first on my "what is the point of it all" cycle.
Shouldn't the order be waking, eating, sleeping?
"Waking" as in arising.
But there are other "wakes."
"Wakes" are produced behind a vessel moving through water, little waves undulating up and down.
In the womb I was once an aquatic being.
Suspended within salt water.
Fed by a tube.
Imagine the sounds, muffled tones of indistinguishable voices.
Or maybe I did eventually distinguish the voices.
Mom's voice would have been the most common.
Perhaps my water sac picked up vibrations when Mom would speak or sing or cry or holler.
I would have heard her tones and felt the vibrations.
Perhaps those vibrations produced little wakes within the amniotic fluid.
When I would kick or move my tiny arm to get my tiny thumb to my tiny mouth, more wakes rippled in my tiny self-contained pool. I think I would have liked that sensation.
Eat.
Sleep.
Wake.
"Wakes" are also associated with death, the ceremonies we keep to honor a person's passing from this life.
The times I have considered suicide, water is always involved.
Perhaps this water method is a desire to return again to the womb - protected, muffled, secure.
Or at least the feeling of protection and security.
It seems very little in life is really secure.
Eat.
Sleep.
Wake.
I know my life isn't purposeless.
Yet, there are many days that my life feels purposeless.
After so many highs and lows, level ground can feel that way - purposeless or pointless.
After all level ground is level; it has no points.
P.
U.
D.
PUD is an Appalachian Trail hiker acronym.
Translated it means "pointless up and down."
That's how the trail can feel, day after day.
Pointless.
Up.
Down.
A babe in the womb sucks her thumb at 14 weeks.
At 14 weeks, she finds a purpose - an instinct preparing for survival when she leaves the security of her feeding tube.
Suckling for nourishment.
Suckling for self soothing.
A babe's first priority is to nourish herself.
Perhaps "eat" does come first.
Eat.
Sleep.
Wake.
5 comments:
These days Carol, every morning I wake up I give thanks I wake up. My first impulse is not to eat but to drink. Coffee...ah...one more of the pleasures of being alive. I've been addicted to it since I was five years old, my grandma did that, and I don't regret it.
When we look back at all the turmoil in our lives, it can be depressing wondering what was the point of being born in this volatile world. But when we look at all the blessings that came with the curses...we understand, life is not perfect, but it beats the alternative by a hell of a landslide. :)
Carol, love your musings. I would like to see them in the form of a book. Some of your posts could be flash fiction, couldn't they? Let's discuss. I can send you my notes from class on Sunday if you're interested.
Thanks ladies!
Anna...ahh gratitude - one of the great equalizers and heart tools. "Landslide" brings to mind Fleetwood Mac. One of my favorite life theme songs since leaving my religion is "Landslide."
Denise...I may take you up on your offer about 6ish or so months down the road once I've rearranged some life priorities. You've recently inspired a spark inside me to maybe, just maybe, pursue something more definitive with my writing. But, it will have to be on hold now due to my business. Time and energy are limited, but I am dreaming. <3
Wonderful, I'm so glad. There is a well-spring of valuable prose and poetry still inside you, I feel sure, that wants to get out. I could read your writing for days and never tire of it, in fact, I do run by here every day or so to see if you've written anything new and if not, I'll reread some of your old musings with equal satisfaction.
Thank you Denise!
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