I continue my course away from theism. Part of that saddens me...that I seem to be heading further down the road of non-belief. I let go a little at a time. It's not that I set out to deconvert; it just seems that is the path I end up on as I read about and/or ponder the heavenly father and only begotten son and creator god questions.
In the recent past I've referred to myself as a "hoper;" that is, I have hoped that there is more to this life...that hopefully there is an afterlife or reincarnation or eternal life or the universalist belief that all will be reconciled. But, that hope feels more and more like a fantasy.
Hmmm...interesting that I "feel more and more" rather than "logically conclude more and more" that something akin to an eternal bliss and merciful justice is fantasy. Perhaps one of my fears is that if I cease hoping, that I will close the doors to so many wondrous and serendipitous occurrences of life, that the mystical feeling will cease. No way. Just thinking about the universe contained in one tiny cell and all its intricacies is awe-inspiring.
I've pondered recently if I can believe in reincarnation as a natural occurrence (not supernatural). Then I think, "Why in the hell would we be reincarnated if we can't remember the previous re-incarnations?"
One of the books I'm currently reading is Trusting Doubt by Valerie Tarico. I recently finished the chapter on blood sacrifice. Blood sacrifice has never made full sense to me. It was always one of those questions on my "back burner." I'd tell myself the whole spiel about God being just and having to redeem us on legal grounds, etc. But I could never fully reconcile a god who desires life (and not death) with the scripture "without the shedding of blood there can be no remission of sin." I would wonder why; why is shedding of blood the qualifier? The only answer I ever came up with was because that is what "God says."
My why question was just one of those things I'd have to wait until the return of Christ or until I was more spiritually mature to understand.
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Added note: Here is a link a website that Valerie Tarico manages: Wisdom Commons; "...an interactive website that seeks to elevate our shared moral core, sometimes called universal ethics. It is a place to find and discuss information about virtues that human beings generally agree are important like generosity, compassion and courage. As a user or member, you can search or input quotes, proverbs, meditations, stories, and essays from many traditions...."
7 comments:
One old gospel song song says, we'll understand it better by and by. This kind of thinking is used to discourage questions and curiosity. Just trust, believe, have faith....and every doubt, question will be answered some day.
Carol...you are on the same path so many have taken...myself included. It's not easy to break away from what you were indoctrinated with early on but it is possible to come to a plausible conclusion...that we will never know whether "intelligent design" created us or not. The only reason I still believe in reincarnation and "another realm" is my personal experience you read about in my book. I simply can't ignore it. It won't let me. But I've learned to live in peace with it because I find the idea of life after life on a never ending spiritual journey comforting. However...when I look back at how I lived my life this time, I still wonder how many rungs on the ladder I lowered myself this go round. :D
Thanks Bruce and Anna.
Life sure isn't boring, huh?
Anna, you brought me a chuckle. I'll be right there with you on those lower rungs. Ha! :-D
<3
I love this oneperson! There is so much that I don't understand...you and I have talked about that. I keep hoping...there is something better out there after this. ah well..who knows? in this life anyhow. :)
Love your new pic too!! :)
From my own experience the awe and wonder never goes away. For me it enhanced actually. I still have mountain-top experiences. A few years ago I had one on our Canadian Thanksgiving while sitting out in the garden. I've never been able to write about it and wonder if I ever will but the short story is, there was a moment when everything became one and my heart hurt, that good kind of hurt and I wept tears of joy, filled with thankfulness and not one bit of it was attached to a theistic &/or supernatural being . . . though theistic people would likely say, "you see, that is God."
I have written this before, somewhere. Not long after knowing I was no longer theistic I had a conversation with a stranger but we had something in common, her sibling had Crohn's as did I and I was helpful to her in guiding her to some helpful books. As our time together ended she thanked me and told me I must be a person of great faith. She did not indicate what faith but I smiled and said, "Yes I am." Because to me, faith doe not indicate theism. For me it indicates the best of our identity as humans. I don't need a theistic mindset or belief to carry compassion into a conversation with a stranger who just so happened to have a connection to me via an illness.
It was an irony that day because I had only realized shortly before this happened that I no longer believed in a theistic world view.
Thanks for the kudos on the pic April. :-)
Yes, it is one of our regular topics of conversation...hoping there is maybe something more beyond this life. I've been content (I think that is the word to use) for the most part being a 'hoper' the past few years.
Every so often I tap another layer(?) - it's kind of like I'm back in high school again searching for meaning. But it isn't the intense search, and it is a more mature search...that is, I have more life experiences to draw on.
If I were to end up in the Christian-type camp, I'd have to go with Christian Universalism and that the Bible is not inerrant. In the end though, I imagine I'll land again in the ambiguous camp.
Camp brings to mind camp meetings. Ha. Can you imagine a good ole' agnostic camp meeting? hehe Maybe that was Woodstock...or Burning Man. Oh my. ;D
Beautifully stated Zoe. <3 Sounds like it could be a start to one of the awesome Zoe blog posts.
Your definition regarding the word "faith," inspires me to continue my search. In all my ambiguity I often avoid trying to figure out my own "faith." (Ambiguity must be my word for the day. ha.) I think part of my hesitation is due to my past arrogance..."knowing" that I had the truth. And that I never want to fall into that type arrogance again. It's kind of a silly fear, but an understandable one. And probably in the long run, a good check and balance point.
And I don't want to conform to someone else's "truth" if that truth does not resonate with me. Even if it resonates, I still want to keep my individuality...something I feel I sacrificed in conforming to The Way and certain Way beliefs.
I feel that I can't continue to avoid my search for meaning and what it is I do believe, if I am to continue to grow. And I want to be able to articulate what it is I grow into...and out of...and into.
That awe...I hear you. I think too often our modern lives have us going at such a fast pace, that humanity isn't quiet enough to experience (on a regular basis) that wonder. I too have noticed in the past year or so that I don't praise a theist god when those moments swell in my heart. But oh the gratitude and wonder that spills over.
In my blog post I mention the book "Trusting Doubt" by Valerie Tarico. Her book has ignited a spark (hopefully one that last more than 2 weeks), to dig more into my own 'faith' (as described in your definition). Valerie has an interactive website which explores universal ethics or moral code. So I signed up and made me a page. Ha. Maybe a blog post or four will come out of my search?
Hmm...I think I'll put a link to the home page of Valerie's site in the blog piece above.
As always, thanks for your insightful comment.
Ice cream cones and hearts... ;-)
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