Slowly

Sometime in the past year or so I accidentally deleted a bunch of photos from my blogs. I've slowly been adding them back.

"Slowly." My normal speed.

(Bing-bong-bing go my synapses....)

Why am I so timid these days?

Part of the reason is my disability; it has drained so much of my confidence. And I wasn't a mountain of confidence before the disability.

But why does it drain confidence?

Well, one example is my house. It is a'clutter due to my inability to take on an unclutter-project but feeling so badly that I want to - so I try, and I make a tiny blemish of progress-which-isn't-really-progress for a couple hours, and then I don't pick up that project again for months-on-end (or never again) because it isn't the most helpful place to put my energy. Life becomes "what's the point in even trying to start a project?"

It's self-defeating. Defeat doesn't catalyze confidence.

I'm currently in a place of limbo. I'm not again trying to "save" my limbs like from 2013 through 2015; they do function better than before. Because I'm not in that type of survival mode, I think that I "should" be able to do more, to get something done around the house. (The house is just one category. But it's a good example.)

But the reality is, I ain't that far along, yet. Three main reasons: fatigue and weakness and slowness, all due to nerve damage and impeded signals.

Ahh..."slowness." That's how I got on this subject. I started out with adding photos back to my blog and was going to write about my impressions as I've reread pieces previously written. But then I veered into my health. The veer stemmed from the word "slowly," though I didn't expound the speedy, automatic synaptic jumps from "slowly" to "timid."

Anyway, I get quite discouraged and have to remind myself of what I do accomplish in a day instead of what I don't or what haven't accomplished in the last six months or the last year or the last five years.

Today, along with self-care (eat, drink, meds, supplements, brush teeth and hair, dress, load dishwasher) and caring for a dog (outside breaks, meds, feedings) who is staying in our home, I hope to ride my bike, to work a couple hours at the art studio, and to bathe. I'll probably have to lay down too. I guess bathe is a part of self-care. But I don't do it daily so it's kind of in a different category. It takes a lot of effort, so I have to be able to access energy in my bank to accomplish the task.

Of course, I'll listen to music throughout the day.

It's a hard thing, learning the balance between accepting these limitations and striving to overcome them. Between gratitude for what I still can do and grieving the loss, which includes feeling anger and envy, for what I no longer can do.

***

I got a text from Son this morning. He and his two friends, who are backpacking the Kungsleden Trail in Sweden, made it to Ammarnas today. He had temporary wifi and sent a "Happy Anniversary" text to Hubby and I. (We hit 33 years today.) But no photos today. Son and friends will begin the southern section of the trail next - 49 miles from Ammarnas to Hemavan. I'm waving my good-weather wand.

Below are two photos Son sent with his 9-05-17 texts. These are from either side of a pass near Parte

This side

That side, the next morning.
I wonder what that shiny spot is?
And who is the hiker?