~*~
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
I have felt resentment the past week.
And anger.
Not toward the virus, but toward the able-bodied.
And it has been fierce at times.
Not rageful; but fierce.
May you, the able-bodied, never again minimize situations in which you know nothing, or little, about. You might think you understand. But maybe now you have a taste of the emotional toll of being forced to go solo, just one of the complexities of living with disability or chronic illness.
May you never again sit in some sort of absolute judgement of those less able-bodied or able-minded than you.
May you never again judge another's motive based on your limited assessment of that person's life.
May you never again place your so-called intuition, or God-working-in-you, or God-revealing-to-you your unsolicited so-called counsel and concern.
Stop it!!!
And that goes for me too, for I also am human with my biases.
But damn it folks, keep a check on it.
Consider what your life would be had you walked in the person's sandals on whom you pass your self-righteous declarations.
May you never again sit in some sort of absolute judgement of those less able-bodied or able-minded than you.
May you never again judge another's motive based on your limited assessment of that person's life.
May you never again place your so-called intuition, or God-working-in-you, or God-revealing-to-you your unsolicited so-called counsel and concern.
Stop it!!!
And that goes for me too, for I also am human with my biases.
But damn it folks, keep a check on it.
Consider what your life would be had you walked in the person's sandals on whom you pass your self-righteous declarations.
~*~
April 1, 2020
Writing now, I again feel the anger in my body.
Stop Carol.
Breathe.
Heart-soak the resentment so that it softens.
Allow it to dissolve.
Breathe in gratitude.
Breathe out resentment.
Recall those first years of your current chronic-illness life. After you had to drop out of socializing, even online. Drop out, for the most part, of grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, making anything with your hands, working, hiking, reaching out to help others, conversing with others...
You have had time to adapt.
This is your normal.
So Carol, Easy. Easy.
Reign your judgement.
Temper your anger.
And yes, I know I'm not "completely alone" in managing my illness...
I have a husband who comes home every night, unless he has a trip out of town. Monday thru Friday he leaves for work at 7:00 AM and gets home around 6:30 PM. His round-trip commute is at least 2-1/2 hours each day. He also does most all the laundry and grocery shopping. He used to take care of the yardwork and housecleaning as best he could. But once I began receiving a disability check, I hired a housecleaner and a lawn maintenance crew. That freed up some of his time and eased his care load. In the warmest seasons, he joins me on many-a-Saturday bike ride.
Nor am I "completely disabled"...
I don't have to use a wheelchair; I use trekking poles or a rollator. I can even ride a bike.
Am I complaining? That's up to the reader to judge; all-be-it remember the above from my Tuesday, 3/31, journal entry...keep a check on your judgement.
Am I asking for advice? No, I'm not. So please, don't give any.
This resentment and anger has taken me by surprise, an unexpected reaction to the current circumstances.
Over the years I have felt resentment and anger at times about my disability; it comes with the package.
But I don't recall it being so persistent and fierce, so widespread.
~*~
3 comments:
For 34 years, I resented Tom Jenkinson for the way he treated me at Gunnison. I thought I forgave him, not sure I did. It was not until 2019, when I asked a friend who had been there at the same time, how she dealt with it, as we had talked about that in the early 1990s. She made the comment in an email, "How long do you want him to steal your peace?" I guess, for me, I finally realized not forgiving him was hurting me, not him. He went merrily on his way.
I know this is not the same thing, and I sure get where you are coming from. I had those same thoughts, though to a much lesser degree because my disabilities are much less severe. So no advice from me, just some compassion for what you are going through.
SP
So glad that Tom "went merrily on his way." :D
Good job SP!
And thanks. I appreciate the compassion. <3
I was able to work through the resentment and anger & am on the other side now. (Good job Carol.) And I discovered I wasn't alone in my unexpected emotional response to the shutdowns. Nor was I alone in my surprise at the response. Recognizing and working through it helped me be more aware of my own (inappropriate) projections. Those gremlins can be sneaky.
Thanks again. :)
My pleasure! :-)
SP
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