Calibers...

I've been rereading Toni Bernhard's book again, How to Be Sick from a Buddhist perspective.
Such an excellent book, with practical tools that work, at least for me.

I need to recalibrate. 

"Recalibrate." 

Interesting word. 

calibrate (v.)

"determine the caliber of," 1839, verb formed from caliber + -ate (2). Also "determine the relative value of" different parts of an arbitrary scale (1869). Related: calibrated; calibrating.

caliber (n.)

"inside diameter of a gun barrel," 1580s, from French calibre (by mid-16c., perhaps late 15c.), often said to be ultimately from Arabic qalib "a mold for casting." Barnhart remarks that Spanish calibre, Italian calibro "appear too late to act as intermediate forms" between the Arabic word and the French.

But English Words of Arabic Ancestry finds that the idea of an Arabic source "comes with no evidence and no background historical context to support it. It is far more likely that the word was formed in French" from Medieval Latin qua libra "of what weight" (a theory first published 19c. by Mahn), from fem. ablative of quis (from PIE root *kwo-, stem of relative and interrogative pronouns) + ablative of libra "balance" (see Libra).

Interesting.
I'm redetermining my balance.
I have felt too weighty on the side of desire for another to understand my ongoing chronic-illness path.
It's still here.
I'm still doing it.
I still live in 12-week cycles, divided into 6 weeks each. 
And I am wearied.
Who wouldn't be? 

Sometimes, when I mention, say, that I took a bath,
I get a response like, "Wow. there's no way I could get in and out of a bathtub."
I typically just say, "Showering is difficult for me."

Or that I drive at night.
"Wow. I can't drive at night."

Or that I ride a bike.
"I wouldn't have enough energy to do that."
I seldom respond with how hard it is to get out the door for a bike trip -- the struggle, even just to get dressed, not to mention all the biking gear I require, packing my food, water, pills, etc. 

 
Sometimes when I've communicated my struggles, or some sort of endeavor to communicate them, I've gotten the "growing-old-isn't-for-the-faint-of-heart" response.
I usually don't say anything, or I gesture in agreement.

But my illness has nothing to do with growing-old symptoms.

I'm sorry folks can't do things I do - like bike and drive and take a bath.
But when they tell me about cooking and cleaning and shopping and socializing and working, etc., I don't respond with, "Gosh, I wish I could do that." 

Sometimes I feel I should say more to educate someone.
But that's not my responsibility.
And I don't have the energy to put into it; or rather, my energy needs to go elsewhere. 
Nor am I going to be so presumptuous as to think they need my education. 

Where am I going with this?

Carol you are trying to put into words, some things that bother you.

Oh damn. I forget to charge my head lamp.