10/26/13...

August 2024 

I reach into the pocket located on the back of the front passenger's seat in Edward the Explorer. I keep maps in that pocket, and a recorder (the flute kind), and a nature book or two. I felt something odd -- a small, glossy-coated, hard square. What is this? I wonder. I pull it out with curiosity.

"Wow..." I hold it up for Hubby to see. 

It's a small handmade (not by me) journal, about 3 inches by 3 inches square. A copy of a painted white peony graces the front cover. The artist's name is handwritten in the lower right corner, "Jean R. Reynolds." The cover is overlayed with clear contact paper giving the cardboard a glossy feel. 

I open it. My handwriting on the inside of the front cardboard cover reads: "Purchased 10/26/13. Art and Coffee Cafe near Massanutten Resort, VA."

"So, I last saw bears in 2013," I say to Hubby. "I was thinking it was 2012 that I took that Massanutten trip. But it was 2013. I guess this journal has been back here for almost 11 years. Wow..."

On that October 2013 visit, I'd seen a cub (or maybe it was 2 cubs) high up in a tree at dusk. I was in my vehicle. I didn't get out; I'm sure Momma Bear was close by. Not did I hang around; Momma Bear could get the best of me even in my vehicle. 

I've been wanting a bear sighting since that last sighting. I hear that this year (2024) there are a plenty of bear sightings in the mountains, but none for me...yet. 

There is only one entry in the journal. Interestingly (to me) it mentions politics. In the last coupleish months, I've found myself, yet again, navigating the poly-ticks (ha ha) of our time. I know I'm not alone. 

In October 2013, I had not yet begun the steroid lumbar epidurals. But I had been properly diagnosed with polyradiculitis in May 2013. (The onset had been the end of April 2011.) So, I was pretty sick with symptoms at the time. August 2013 is when I downsized my pet-sitting business from approximately 180 clients to maybe 20. (I slowly downsized more until I had to close completely around 2018.) The folks who worked for me inherited many of the clients I had to give up. 

Anyway, Poly Rad was the dominant force in my life at the time. And it has been relentless to this day. Some may advise, "Don't say it's the dominant force in your life." But that is my day-to-day reality. I've had to learn to embrace Poly, while at the same time continuing to find ways of relief and living with my limitations. It's probably better said that these "ways" find me. 

With most (any?) chronic illness or disability, isolation is part of the package. That isolation happens for different reasons -- limited mobility, limited energy to engage, folks not understanding the debilitating symptoms which is especially true with a rare disease, and other stuff. One has to learn to evolve from loneliness into solitude. I've made that transition for the most part. I rarely feel lonely anymore. This is simply my life...

So, below is the journal entry, mostly unedited...

I share with a little embarrassment, but it is what is and was what it was...

Maybe it will somehow help someone...

10/26/13

Yet another little journal. I used to be somewhat organized with my journals. Now my scribblings are spread around. 

I have become a loner. I think it is official. 

I'm, I can't think of the word, some "dis" word with Facebook. I don't want to pursue relationships. There was a time when relationships were important to me. But not anymore. The only time or thing I really feel passion about is nature. And I don't get in it that often. I just think about it. 

I feel again that I am unintelligent. 

How can I right my course? Then again, it's not like anyone pursues me. If they did, I'd put my arm up and say, "Back away." 

I desired this loner life, after the Knapp stuff. I now have it. I feel guilty and selfish. What am I contributing anywhere to anyone?

I'm not attached. Except to animals. 

What is the best thing about America? The air quality. Clean water. Roads. Trails. 

What are my thoughts on politics? Large scale, it overwhelms my mind. Like a huge corporation. Poly ticks. 

Politics is like a large debate. What does the word itself mean? "Poli" comes from polis = "affairs of the state." "Ics" = "matter relevant to." So, matters relating to the state or the nation. If I am alive, I am part of a family, community, city, state, nation, globe, solar system, universe. 

Politics itself is the various opinions in the system, the voicing of those opinions, debates to prove their opinions are right.

What is right?

~To deal honestly is right.

~Accountability is right.

~To think of the consequences or our actions is right. 

So, in order to vote I determine who is right. How can any of the people running be right when each has to spend bundles of $$? 

It's a mess.

Religion -- a person's belief system in action. 

I believe it is more important to give than to prove I'm right. 

I'm not a critic. It's something I don't do well -- criticize. 

I can be myself more when I am alone. When with others, my perceived expectations of things can inhibit me. It can even cause me to say things contrary to what I really believe. I get too concerned about another's opinion. 

This online life. It causes disorientation. How can I disentangle? 

I think I tire of talk and debate. I think I look at something and think, "Well, let's fix it." 

And I write some more. 

Well, another weird solo vacation. I guess it was okay. No art. No writing -- or very little. 

I am lost. I am alone, I guess I'll stay that way until I am not. 

~*~

A song came to mind while transcribing the 2013 journal entry. 

It's short (1 minute, 19 seconds) and funny.

Be sure sound is on; for me it comes up muted, and I have to click the unmute icon. 

Also, the captions that show up on Twitter, generated by AI (I reckon), aren't right. Lol.

Hansen is one of my favorite contemporary Chirstian authors... 

Click the link below to hear Brant Hansen sing...

"I'm Right About Everything..."

Below are the correct lyrics... 

By Brant Hansen...

Well, it's hard

Harder than people think

It's rough

Rougher than a kitchen sink

This burden I bear 

To be so unfair

Oh, it's hard to be right 

About everything

I'm right about everything

I'm right even when I sing

Every conclusion that I draw

Every bit of my dogma

Oh, it's a heavy thing

To be right about everything

You can sing along

If you just admit

You are wrong

Thank you for listening

To me being right 

About everything

~*~