July 18, 2024

Thoughts and sighs.....

Here we go again... 
The thought ran through my head last night, with a sigh.

What was I bemoaning? 
Another election year, specifically with Trump. 

More thoughts continued...
I don't like election years. 
Rhetoric from the left. Rhetoric from the right. Each camp accusing the other camp of the same stuff, i.e.: "hate speech," "division," "lying, "communists," "nazis," and more.
It so much reminds me of my cult/anti-cult days. 
I think I'm triggered by all this craziness.
Another sigh...

Cult and anti-cult were like two sides of the same coin. We're right; they're wrong. We're good; they're bad. Our motives are pure; their motives are evil. Black; white. No room for nuance or consideration that the "other" may be right, at least about some things.

The thoughts above were triggered after the July thirteenth assassination attempt on Trump and the fist-up, bloody-eared iconic photo. Another feather in Trump's hat making him a kind of mythical human protected by divine intervention. Was that the case? If so, where was the divine intervention for the father, husband, and fire chief who sacrificed his life to save his family? What of the two other mass shootings later that same evening? Not to mention the oh-so-many children who have been killed by gunfire.

~*~

The week before July 13th, I had listened to a couple podcasts critical of The Way International's (TWI's) past. The day after listening to those, I received a text from an ex-Way friend with links to some old (1993-'94) home videos of showing family life at Way properties. I also watched some of the current YouTube videos from The Way. 

As I watched the '93-'94 home videos, my brain took me back to that timeframe in The Way. (I was involved from 1977 - 2005.) Watching the videos, a viewer might think that TWI sounds like a wonderful Chirstian group with which to be involved. The grounds are beautiful. The children and people all seem so happy. The Rock of Ages looks like a lot of fun...and it was; I was there.

Yet in reality, behind the scenes, sinister acts were being doled out; mainly, secret manipulative sexual favors for TWI's top leadership. I say "mainly," but that doesn't include the indoctrination of The Way being the "true household of God," the fear of devil-spirit possession if one leaves "the household," of the obedience to leadership, of the financial-giving command of at least 10% of one's income (more then 10% if one really desired spiritual understanding), and other stuff. 

Then, if one listens to the critical podcasts, a different picture of The Way is painted. Yet that information also is one-sided, and part of it is inaccurate. A listener may wonder why anyone could have stayed with The Way. The '93-'94 videos could show part of the why.

These two duplicitous Way "realities,' which I'm well aware of...
I don't know how to describe exactly how or what I felt afterward as I pondered them, except that of curiosity. The appearance that all is wonderful, when it isn't. Not that unusual really. I don't hang all my dirty laundry out there. But neither do I deny it. Denial of such can play a part in manipulation -- when an organization or individual denies (or exaggerates) their past.

So, how does someone know who or what to believe? Boy, that's a deep question -- beliefs and where they emanate from. 

The times I've been falsely accused, I've responded as truthfully as I could without exposing someone else's dirty laundry. But anyone learning about such accusations decides who and what to believe. 

Such was the case with one of my (now ex) mental health therapists. I have no doubt that probably many folks believe/ed him over me (except for those who were privy to the whole story and to the therapist's past). All I could do was to write a response to many of his accusations. The rest was/is left up to the reader.

~*~

So why am I triggered by Trump? 

I think because Trump reminds me too much of my past cult involvement and of that ex-mental health therapist whom I mention above who tried to assassinate my character with outright lies in at least 12 different online rants.

Both the founder of The Way and its second president regularly condemned, disdained, mocked, self-righteously judged, and derided people who left The Way or rejected Way doctrine. We, and we alone, had the truth. We were the true household of God. I not only believed that, I knew it, until I discovered that I was wrong.

My ex-therapist (mentioned above) published his smear pieces almost one year after I had filed an official complaint with his state board. After his smear attempts, the state investigator turned things over to the state prosecutor. But then the state had a difficult time locating him because the ex-therapist skipped state shortly after publishing his smear pieces and after a previous part-time employee took him to small claims court for not paying the employee. (That employee never got paid.) I was later a witness for the state at the ex-therapist's state board licensing hearing. The ex-therapist did not show for the hearing. He ended up losing his license. Though I was the only client to file a complaint, I was not the only client harmed.

As I state in a post where I share a bit about the similarities between Trump and the ex-therapist: In one of Knapp's thirteen 2011 online smear pieces, he made a statement, "Game on." But he was the only one playing a game. He lied. He threatened. He made himself out as a victim. He name-called. He assigned evil motives. He rallied his supporters, until he then turned on most of them.

Trump's behavior and rhetoric exhibits similar qualities described above.

As the saying goes, "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's (probably) a duck."

I rationalized my ex-cult leaders. I rationalized some of my ex-therapist's behavior, extending the benefit of the doubt, until I too got caught in his bullseye. 

~*~

So, cult stuff was floating around in my head entangled with the political stuff. 
Thus, I think, I've been triggered. 
Oh, how lovely. 

What can I do to help me feel/be more grounded as the months unroll toward the November election and beyond? 
  • Limit my political news intake.
  • Read books or articles that have helped me in the past. 
  • Engage with life beyond the screen. Too much screen life can cause life to look narrow and small, when in reality, there's a big, wide world of discovery out there. So, go for that Carol. That is where you feel the most connected. 
  • Don't be afraid of any trigger-responses. Thank them for having helped me at one time. Ask what they are trying to teach me now. Then, listen.
  • Remember the BITE model. Behavior, information, thought, emotional manipulation or control. If I feel myself being pulled in any of those directions, stop. Pay attention. Ask questions (not necessarily with someone else, though there a few folks I trust with my inner-most challenges).
  • Music and movement.
  • Prayer and meditation.
  • Long drives in the country and mountains.
  • Continue to visit the frescoes on the North Carolina Fresco Trail.
  • Visits via phone or in-person with friends and family.
  • Help out local folks who are in need as I am able.
  • Spread kindness.
  • Keep writing.
  • And remember the words of C.S. Lewis:
...In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. 
Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already 
sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high 
percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very 
great advantage over our ancestors — anesthetics; but we have that still. It 
is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because 
the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a 
world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was 
not a chance at all, but a certainty. 

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull 
ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that 
bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things praying, working, 
teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting 
to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like 
frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a 
microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds...  ~C.S. Lewis, 1948

~*~~*~

Addendum:

8/07/24

I began a project last week: to identify the similarities between Trump and my experiences with The Way and with John Knapp. I decided to reread the book The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump to help ferret through these similarities. I want to be as neutral as I can in this process which, of course, is a challenge. What helps me to maintain neutrality as best I can is to recall when I filed an official complaint on the ex-therapist; I had to list the facts of what happened and then list my responses to those happenings. I had to do similar at the hearing when I was a witness for the state. 

Today, I perused some things on my blog that I've written in the past. I find them helpful in navigating the craziness that abounds on Twitter/X and elsewhere on the digital stage. (I still prefer "Twitter." Sorry Elon.) 

Below is a list of some of those previous ramblings. I may expand this list as time goes on.

July 4, 2016: What is Truth? 
March 22, 2017: Rights and Lefts
October 21, 2017: Abnormal normals
September 21, 2017: Far-middle
July 5, 2020: Bane in my quiver...


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