Plenty of stuff floating around in my head which I could write about...
I choose smile therapy...
~*~
I received some candid photos via text last week of me holding my 4-month-old granddaughter in mid-September. I was somewhat shocked. My face looked drawn, wearied, sad.
This is not who I want to be.You've been here before; remember? Some years back when you realized you weren't smiling because you were so seldom around people.Oh yeah; I remember that...
So, this week I've taken up what I call smile therapy. It's kind of like being aware of one's posture. When you note you aren't standing straight, you pull the imaginary string coming out of the crown of your head to straighten up. I do similar with smiling. When I notice I'm not smiling, I put on the smile. It seems to be helping. (I just web searched "smile therapy." It's a thing. :) Smile Therapy: Harnessing the Power of Grins for Mental and Physical Wellbeing)
My day kinda begins as follows...
I open my eyes in the morning and say, "Another day. I accept my fulltime job - being my own caregiver. It is not selfish; it serves my family. At this point in my life, it is what I have been called to do. This is simply my life."
I tell my self: I am loved and supported. I trust in the healing power of time and self-compassion. I am grateful for all life brings to me.
I remind myself of my caregiver role: to direct me to act toward myself as I would toward another who lives with limited function and mobility. I wouldn't condemn them; I'd commend them. I know how hard it is (physically and emotionally) to simply get out of bed each day; most of those days, alone.
I remind myself to remind myself to smile throughout the day and for my disability part to thank my caregiver part and for my caregiver part to commend and have empathy toward my disability part.
September was a hard month. I suffered multiple days in deep despair. I felt it and let the tears roll. At these times, the temptation to self-loathe visits with its harsh judgment of how little value I have because (for one) I'm not able to serve others like I once did and still want to. During these episodes I seldom reach out.
Why not? Why do I not call upon folks when in this deep despair?
- People live busy lives with problems of their own.
- It's human nature (at least with good humans) to want to help which (too often) leads to someone giving unsolicited suggestions or advice, which leads to me explaining things I've tried and blah, blah, blah. And that's on me. Instead, I could respond, "Thanks. But right now, I'm not looking for suggestions; I just want to be seen."
- Sometimes (often?) when one is in deep despair, it simply takes too much energy to try to communicate.
I continually renew my commitment to this job that fell in my lap and one which I can't ignore -- being my own caregiver. Yes, Hubby helps, and without him I would need to hire assistance or move in someone. Hubby is also our breadwinner and is gone 12 hours a day on weekdays (which includes about a 3-hour round-trip commute in heavy interstate traffic), except that he has started working from home one day a week so that I'm not physically alone in the house Monday through Friday. He usually texts me once and calls me two to three times a day. (He takes good care of me, and for that I am grateful.) Often, he is the only person I hear from through the week, other than spam and medical texts. A few times a month a friend or my children might call. Or I'll call them.
But, like I stated above, I seldom call when I am in the depths of despair (though my children have invited me, even encouraged me, to do such). I admit, part of the reason for not calling my kids is pride. I want them to be proud of me, but anymore, I too often feel there is so little to be proud of. I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished in my life. The accomplishment I'm most proud of? My children; they are good people.
"Pride" brings to mind a scripture I have adapted to help break my checking-and-rechecking X-Twitter habit (which I don't like at all, but I also understand how and why online life can draw me in):
"All that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of X, is not of the Father, but is of the world."
I chuckled when I first saw that thought.
Carol, regardless of what life brings with its sorrows and joys, keep smiling...
You have an abundance to be grateful for...
And remember, wherever you go you are not alone; you always bring Mia Long...
And sing Ezra's lyrics: "...You're not alone, although you feel alone; you're just like everyone; you're holding on ..."
And remember AAA: Ask. Act. Accept...
~*~
