I live with widespread nerve damage.
It began in late April, 2011.
It wasn't properly diagnosed until May, 2013.
In June 2016, an underlying cause was discovered.
In August 2016, that cause was addressed, and I embarked upon a road to possible improvement.
The journey continues.
I could write volumes about this trek, if I could.
I have accepted this new body.
I have accepted it may never fully recover in the sense of what it used to be.
I have learned that wellbeing is more mental than physical.
I have a different concept of healing now, that it has more to do with state-of-mind than state-of-body.
Body includes brain.
"Mind" is different from "brain."
Brain is an organ; mind is a state.
My daily routine begins with assessment.
I wake up and ask, How do I feel?
Tender soles. Tender palms.
Like the tinder for a fire; enough spark can set it ablaze.
Yes, I feel it.
I acknowledge the pain from the soles of my feet to the palms of my hands to my head.
It's a low-level pain. I have described it as a "hum."
I imagine it might drive a normal, able-bodied mind and soul whacky; like the continual drip of a faucet.
It is my normal; maybe that makes me "whacky."
Upon waking, I lie in bed for at least 10 minutes - feeling, assessing.
Breathing, in and out. Peace within. Peace without.
Sometimes I lay there for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour.
Sometimes sleep overtakes me, and I enter dreamtime.
Somewhere in there I get up and go pee.
I arise and stand slowly, assessing my balance, making sure I'm stable-footed.
I notice the tenderness in the soles of my feet.
Like the tinder for a fire.
But there are no sparks; rather, a faint glow hums evenly across my soles.
Yet I am no tenderfoot.
I slowly walk to the bathroom.
~*~
Related post: Peace & Joy
March 6, 2020
February 5, 2020
Memories...
I posted the following on my cycling blog.
~*~
Pictures help bring memories into the present - both the pictures on the landscape of the mind and the pictures of the two-dimensional world via technology.
Memories leave imprints in the heart, currents that flow through all the senses. Sight. Smell. Touch. Hearing. Taste. Emotion. Energy. Ancestry. Progeny. That is part of the power of memory. One can take one's self back anytime and feel the presence of that moment past while navigating the current of the moment present which flows into the moment future. And the cycled repeats.
Some say that once something is posted on the internet, it is there forever. But what about in the archives of our cells and our souls? What if there is a time in the future when all will be revealed?
I'm thankful I can remember. Two-dimensional snapshots viewed on a screen or developed onto special paper help prod the memories stored in the mind-and-soul memory banks.
In September 2019, I started journaling all my cycle-rides in a handwrit journal. My digital records, on my blog and on Twitter, slowly faded.
I haven't yet put developed photos into my handwritten journal, but my plan is to do so beginning this month or in March. One of my Christmas gifts was a Canon mini-printer. The device prints 2"x3" photos directly from my smart phone. Each photo has a peel-and-stick backing. I've not yet learned how to use the mini-printer; that is on my to-do list for February. Once I learn how, I can add pictures to my handwritten journal entries.
~*~*~*~
Below are some digital pictures, with notes, from five of my September 2019 rides. I compiled the following in October, but I never got around to posting it thinking I'd come back and add more pictures with notes. September was an eventful cycling month. I got my first flat tire in September. It happened while cycling The New River Trail.
I had two more flats in October. Same tire. Fortunately the two flats in October happened while I was not riding. The bike shop fixed all three flats for free. On the last fix, they added a "diaper" around the tube, meaning they wrapped a deflated tube around the inflated tube. It's now February, 2020, and so far, no more flats. Tap on wood.
September 2019
Su, 9/01/19. 24.6 mi. Solo W/Bleu. FF->Allisonia->FF. Final leg, 9th section thru-bike. NoBo-SoBo. Yay! Working thru my anger toward B. Feels like a custody battle. The trees...they soothed my soul. Not to mention the river, the rocks, butterflies & deer. Four deer. One was a 4ish point buck. Almost hit a daredevil squirrel.
~*~*~*~*~
F, 9/06/19. 20.5 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Mt. Airy greenway. Awesome ride. Met Peanut the llama & his human Greg. First time seeing a llama on the greenway! I got a llama education. So glad I was running late today! Peanut is in training to drive a cart. Peanut rides in the hatchback of a Nissan Rogue. Friendly & happy! One deer spooked me beside the greenway. Three deer grazing in the groundhog field. One heron in Lovills Creek. One white crane flying. Saw jimson weed and golden flowers in the golden days of summer.
~*~*~*~*~
Tu, 9/10/19. 18.1 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Muddy Creek GW. Another late start. So fatigued & hard to get started. Would have ridden 20 mi, but met John at 6:55 to eat. Met Bob & gave him an air canister for a flat. Three deer.
~*~*~*~*~
M, 9/16/19. 21 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Railroad Grade Rd. Met Census lady from WS. She flagged me down to see if I knew some addresses. In our chat she talked about how she likes visiting the ocean more than the mountains. She said, "Nothing changes up here...like at the ocean; it's always moving." Ironically I had just been thinking how I love watching the flowers change through the seasons. Met David & Shirley at Todd Mercantile. Shirley & I talked for at least an hour. Could have talked for five! They celebrated their 35th anniversary yesterday! At 2PM! Just like John and I. Serendipity. David is amateur photographer, but he's really good. So he took my pic while I was riding. He rides century rides and organizes all sorts of rides in the mountains and around Greenville, SC. Saw six turkeys while I ate supper at Frieda's parking plot.
~*~*~*~*~
W, 9/18/19. 22.2 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Mt. Airy Greenway. One deer. Three groundhogs, one was young. One heron. Shortness of breath better for riding. 70ish degrees. Wore pants. Met Alyson & Michele. Alyson strummed while Michele painted. Michele first painted on the flower pot to get a feel for painting on the sewer top. From sewer springs art. A girl & her dog...& three little birds. Three little donkeys observed the artist at work.
~*~
Pictures help bring memories into the present - both the pictures on the landscape of the mind and the pictures of the two-dimensional world via technology.
Memories leave imprints in the heart, currents that flow through all the senses. Sight. Smell. Touch. Hearing. Taste. Emotion. Energy. Ancestry. Progeny. That is part of the power of memory. One can take one's self back anytime and feel the presence of that moment past while navigating the current of the moment present which flows into the moment future. And the cycled repeats.
Some say that once something is posted on the internet, it is there forever. But what about in the archives of our cells and our souls? What if there is a time in the future when all will be revealed?
I'm thankful I can remember. Two-dimensional snapshots viewed on a screen or developed onto special paper help prod the memories stored in the mind-and-soul memory banks.
In September 2019, I started journaling all my cycle-rides in a handwrit journal. My digital records, on my blog and on Twitter, slowly faded.
I haven't yet put developed photos into my handwritten journal, but my plan is to do so beginning this month or in March. One of my Christmas gifts was a Canon mini-printer. The device prints 2"x3" photos directly from my smart phone. Each photo has a peel-and-stick backing. I've not yet learned how to use the mini-printer; that is on my to-do list for February. Once I learn how, I can add pictures to my handwritten journal entries.
~*~*~*~
Below are some digital pictures, with notes, from five of my September 2019 rides. I compiled the following in October, but I never got around to posting it thinking I'd come back and add more pictures with notes. September was an eventful cycling month. I got my first flat tire in September. It happened while cycling The New River Trail.
I had two more flats in October. Same tire. Fortunately the two flats in October happened while I was not riding. The bike shop fixed all three flats for free. On the last fix, they added a "diaper" around the tube, meaning they wrapped a deflated tube around the inflated tube. It's now February, 2020, and so far, no more flats. Tap on wood.
September 2019
Su, 9/01/19. 24.6 mi. Solo W/Bleu. FF->Allisonia->FF. Final leg, 9th section thru-bike. NoBo-SoBo. Yay! Working thru my anger toward B. Feels like a custody battle. The trees...they soothed my soul. Not to mention the river, the rocks, butterflies & deer. Four deer. One was a 4ish point buck. Almost hit a daredevil squirrel.
 |
| New River Trail SP. 19, 9-01. Bleu leans. MP 14. |
~*~*~*~*~
F, 9/06/19. 20.5 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Mt. Airy greenway. Awesome ride. Met Peanut the llama & his human Greg. First time seeing a llama on the greenway! I got a llama education. So glad I was running late today! Peanut is in training to drive a cart. Peanut rides in the hatchback of a Nissan Rogue. Friendly & happy! One deer spooked me beside the greenway. Three deer grazing in the groundhog field. One heron in Lovills Creek. One white crane flying. Saw jimson weed and golden flowers in the golden days of summer.
 |
| Greg & Peanut |
 |
| Peanut in the Nissan Rogue |
 |
| Golden days of summer |
~*~*~*~*~
Tu, 9/10/19. 18.1 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Muddy Creek GW. Another late start. So fatigued & hard to get started. Would have ridden 20 mi, but met John at 6:55 to eat. Met Bob & gave him an air canister for a flat. Three deer.
~*~*~*~*~
M, 9/16/19. 21 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Railroad Grade Rd. Met Census lady from WS. She flagged me down to see if I knew some addresses. In our chat she talked about how she likes visiting the ocean more than the mountains. She said, "Nothing changes up here...like at the ocean; it's always moving." Ironically I had just been thinking how I love watching the flowers change through the seasons. Met David & Shirley at Todd Mercantile. Shirley & I talked for at least an hour. Could have talked for five! They celebrated their 35th anniversary yesterday! At 2PM! Just like John and I. Serendipity. David is amateur photographer, but he's really good. So he took my pic while I was riding. He rides century rides and organizes all sorts of rides in the mountains and around Greenville, SC. Saw six turkeys while I ate supper at Frieda's parking plot.
 |
| RR Grade Rd. Bumble bee on pink. |
 |
| Polk berries |
 |
| Daisies in the wind |
 |
| Friendly pig at River Girl |
 |
| David & Shirley |
 |
| Yours truly riding into Todd |
~*~*~*~*~
W, 9/18/19. 22.2 mi. Solo w/Bleu. Mt. Airy Greenway. One deer. Three groundhogs, one was young. One heron. Shortness of breath better for riding. 70ish degrees. Wore pants. Met Alyson & Michele. Alyson strummed while Michele painted. Michele first painted on the flower pot to get a feel for painting on the sewer top. From sewer springs art. A girl & her dog...& three little birds. Three little donkeys observed the artist at work.
 |
| Michele & Alyson |
 |
| Michele paints |
January 29, 2020
What was needed
Beginning in 1981 at the age of 22, I developed asthma and hives and sinus polyps along with other symptoms of an overresponsive immune system.
I saw various kinds of doctors - ear, nose and throat; internal medicine, allergists, respiratory, wholistic - across various states where I lived at the time: Ohio, Indiana, and Kansas; places I lived while in The Way Corps, The Way's elite training program. The Corps standard was "It Is Written." Dr. Wierwille stated we were "God's crack troops;" we were "Corps." He called us "his kids."
But, in 1983, I fled my Way Corps assignment in AWOL fashion. And it wasn't my first time. I'd been in the Corps previously and AWOLed then too, in 1980. I felt ashamed enough in 1980, and then my immune system went bonkers in 1981.
The Way teaches that, biblically, the number two means something is established. By leaving the Corps two times, I established that I was unfaithful, a Judas, a wart on the body of Christ, an embarrassment to God and myself and the Household of believers. One of the Corps Coordinator's announced at Way Headquarters that I wasn't worth the dime for a phone call. I felt I wasn't worth a penny.
When I left that 2nd time in 1983, I came back to my hometown, back to my parents' home. Dad had been in a head-on automobile collision three months before I AWOLed the 2nd time. He was rendered a quadriplegic for the rest of his 12-1/2 years of life. I came home to help care for him. But his condition was not why I left The Way Corps.
I continued seeing doctors once back in North Carolina. I had three surgeries three years in a row: 1984, '85, and '86. And then another one in 1996. Sinus polypectomies. I always waited until I couldn't stand it anymore. "It" being the complete inability to breathe in or out though my nose. I'd live that way for months until I just couldn't. At the same time I lived with severe asthma and hives, fatigue, brain fog, overall body pains, mood swings, and the fact that I'd committed a horrible sin, though I had gone back to The Way and was told I was forgiven. But inside I felt defective; the thick mucous confirmed just what a snot I was.
In 1985/86, I found three practitioners who were able to bring relief: an integrative medical doctor, a naturopath, and a chiropractor. By 1987 they agreed I was well enough to become pregnant. My husband and I wanted to start a family. We'd gotten married in 1984. But pregnancy was not kind to me exacerbating my symptoms at pregnancy's onset; the emergency room staff at the local hospital got used to seeing me. Symptoms worsened after giving birth to our first child; I was hospitalized for five(?) days with asthma when our baby girl was six weeks old.
That was chronic illness life Number One. It lasted until around 2005, 24 years, though the asthma and polyps all but disappeared beginning in 1999 after discovering I had extremely high levels of mercury.
The mercury was first discovered in October 1998, after a hospitalization for asthma. The mercury toxicity was confirmed by a different doctor after another hospitalization in January, '99. I then began extensive detox and chelation therapies. Asthma was the first symptom that all but disappeared.
The fear of drowning in my own fluid slowly faded.
****
More here: Healing The Soul, Healing the Body
And here: Physician Carousel
And here: October 4, 1983: Journal entry after leaving The Way Corps
I saw various kinds of doctors - ear, nose and throat; internal medicine, allergists, respiratory, wholistic - across various states where I lived at the time: Ohio, Indiana, and Kansas; places I lived while in The Way Corps, The Way's elite training program. The Corps standard was "It Is Written." Dr. Wierwille stated we were "God's crack troops;" we were "Corps." He called us "his kids."
But, in 1983, I fled my Way Corps assignment in AWOL fashion. And it wasn't my first time. I'd been in the Corps previously and AWOLed then too, in 1980. I felt ashamed enough in 1980, and then my immune system went bonkers in 1981.
The Way teaches that, biblically, the number two means something is established. By leaving the Corps two times, I established that I was unfaithful, a Judas, a wart on the body of Christ, an embarrassment to God and myself and the Household of believers. One of the Corps Coordinator's announced at Way Headquarters that I wasn't worth the dime for a phone call. I felt I wasn't worth a penny.
When I left that 2nd time in 1983, I came back to my hometown, back to my parents' home. Dad had been in a head-on automobile collision three months before I AWOLed the 2nd time. He was rendered a quadriplegic for the rest of his 12-1/2 years of life. I came home to help care for him. But his condition was not why I left The Way Corps.
I continued seeing doctors once back in North Carolina. I had three surgeries three years in a row: 1984, '85, and '86. And then another one in 1996. Sinus polypectomies. I always waited until I couldn't stand it anymore. "It" being the complete inability to breathe in or out though my nose. I'd live that way for months until I just couldn't. At the same time I lived with severe asthma and hives, fatigue, brain fog, overall body pains, mood swings, and the fact that I'd committed a horrible sin, though I had gone back to The Way and was told I was forgiven. But inside I felt defective; the thick mucous confirmed just what a snot I was.
In 1985/86, I found three practitioners who were able to bring relief: an integrative medical doctor, a naturopath, and a chiropractor. By 1987 they agreed I was well enough to become pregnant. My husband and I wanted to start a family. We'd gotten married in 1984. But pregnancy was not kind to me exacerbating my symptoms at pregnancy's onset; the emergency room staff at the local hospital got used to seeing me. Symptoms worsened after giving birth to our first child; I was hospitalized for five(?) days with asthma when our baby girl was six weeks old.
That was chronic illness life Number One. It lasted until around 2005, 24 years, though the asthma and polyps all but disappeared beginning in 1999 after discovering I had extremely high levels of mercury.
The mercury was first discovered in October 1998, after a hospitalization for asthma. The mercury toxicity was confirmed by a different doctor after another hospitalization in January, '99. I then began extensive detox and chelation therapies. Asthma was the first symptom that all but disappeared.
The fear of drowning in my own fluid slowly faded.
****
More here: Healing The Soul, Healing the Body
And here: Physician Carousel
And here: October 4, 1983: Journal entry after leaving The Way Corps