Cultic Abuse Flipside

Jethro, my god-dog, is sleeping over here tonight through Tuesday night. He is such a sweetie.

Yerba was here last night and tonight and will be here tomorrow night.

It's fun and fascinating to watch the two dogs play. Their teeth look so ferocious; yet, they know just the right jaw pressure to use for play. I hear their teeth click each other as they tussle with mouths wide open. I've named their game "dawg jawing."
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Last night, in the wee morning hours, I peeked in on Knapp's new non-profit site. It appears to be up and running. When I saw it, I was cut to the heart, and I felt sick to my stomach.

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

It seems silly, I guess. But I can't deny the pain it causes.

It's been seven months now since Knapp cut me down and then cut me off. It was like two swoops with a machete. In one journal entry back in August or September I called it a "slice and hatchet."

After my gut wrench upon seeing the site and it reminding me that I was going to have a platform there, so to speak,...I felt jilted. I felt used. But in what way was I used? That, I am not sure of.

Here is a cult-recovery counselor setting up a cult-recovery non-profit service to help folks who are exiting abusive cultic groups and/or relationships. Yet, my experience with that counselor ended up much the same as with a cult. Influence, dependence, even a type of love-bombing(?), blame-shifting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, negligence, and even shunning. I still shake my head in disbelief.

Anymore, I don't know about these cult-recovery organizations and groups. I'm beginning to think many in the cult-recovery field are just another power-hungry looking-to-influence sales force.

And maybe it's not "many," but rather "some."

Regardless, I will judge various cult-recovery organizations based on my and others' experiences with said group or persons. I'll pay attention to my gut within reason. I want to trust people but not be naive. A few bad apples don't spoil the whole bunch, but they sure can make one sick.

I had to take two Xanax last night after I saw Knapp's non-profit site. I can't go back to that site for a long while. It plain old hurts too much.

After my gut wrench, I cursed Knapp in a prayer.

Then I hurt that I would curse him.

I then brought to mind that which I have control over and which, a couple months ago, I promised to myself regarding this whole fiasco.

• speak my truth
• uphold my integrity
• not succumb to silencing myself
• be an advocate for me
• be truthful
• be open to possible various outcomes

This morning I posted a retraction on a site where I had previously recommended Knapp. I wrote it in order to not succumb to silencing myself and to be truthful.

I am reminding myself to be open to possible various outcomes. I have to walk away and do so with some integrity.

I will publish any writing about it on my time table, which means when I want to. That may be soon, may be later, may be never.

Apparently Knapp didn't respect my resignation request from being moderator and administrator of his online discussion board which he re-activated last month. Maybe he had to re-activate it for the investigator. Either way, it bothers me that I'm still listed after I clearly resigned in August.

Here I am concerned about hurting him if I ever post my story. What of the harm he has wrought, not only in regard to me, but others as well?
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Dawg-jawing. Maybe dog is man's best friend.

I registered my domain name today for my new business. I look forward to caring for the beloved critters.

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Note: On 6/13/11, I changed John Knapp's pseudonym in this piece to his real name.
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To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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