No More Secrets

no more secrets
december 6, 2010,

I've found myself being 'eat up' again by the Knapp crap. I finally figured out what was getting at me, but not until I was reviewing the emails Sam sent me. Reviewing or anal-eyezing...whichever it was. I guess it was an analysis of John's twisting of the situation in which John put Sam.

As I was reading what John wrote to Sam and the others, I realized I was holding back from Sam. I was, in a sense, covering for John, still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

It was subtle, this justification for John; but I felt it and it felt wrong. It felt like I wasn't really being honest.

I don't want to believe that John could actually be a handler.

Mia's phrase went through my head: "John will continue to misstep; he can't help himself."

I decided to throw off the rationalizations. I told myself, "That's not evil Carol; it is simply seeing what happened. Nor is it non-compassionate toward John."

I let Sam know how I saw the picture within the emails he sent me; emails from John to the group Sam had been a part of. I weighed them with what I know of Sam's situation from our 2-1/2 hours worth of Skype conversations, from what I know of my situation, from what I know of three other people's personal Knapp scenarios, and from what I've read on the web. I can't deny what I've experienced, what I've heard, what I've read.

I am open to information that would prove me wrong. And if I'm wrong, I'll step up and admit it. If that would happen, I'd also be understanding with myself.

Plus I didn't go looking for any of this.

It's just like the GreaseSpot drama. It quite literally fell in my lap.

I'll never forget standing at my kitchen sink after the GreaseSpot and The Safety Net backroom antics hit the proverbial fan. I stood at my sink thinking that if this stuff was important enough to go to a court of law, the egg would be all over certain GreaseSpot moderators. As I stood at the sink, I had a feeling in my gut that at some point I'd have to stand up for something that was more serious than what happened on that discussion board. I had this gut feeling that it was preparation for something in the future.

As small as the Knapp scenario is, it has still been an ordeal for me.

But never did I ask for any of this. And in my wildest imagination I never thought I'd be wanting to expose my therapist for abusive tactics.

Back in 2006, all I prayed to God for was, "No secrets." I wanted to know. I wanted my heart open and I wanted to see. I didn't want anymore secrets! So perhaps I did ask for this - "this" being the exposure of the underbellies of webs of deceit, the exposure of my own vulnerabilities and how I too can get pulled in, and I don't know what else.

Sam came to me about John; I did not approach Sam. He wants some answers. He is perhaps as baffled with his Knapp experience as I was/am with mine. But he wasn't a client; he was a colleague.

Today, after I wrote Sam regarding my thoughts about John's emails, the feeling of me being "eaten up" by this crap was dissipating. I felt a certain freedom. I realized that I am not going to remain silent. Sam asked me for information; I didn't go to him. But I had been holding back because I felt in that awful place again about what I should or shouldn't say. Whether or not I'm gossiping or assigning evil or...scapegoating? Checking my motives. Not wanting to blame John. Feeling so much of this should be kept in confidence.

And then I thought, "Fuck it. Am I playing John's game by muzzling myself? Isn't that how abusers win? Carol you know that it is how abusers win. But is John an abuser? Well, look at the little wake you are starting to see. You can't deny the obvious."

Then I had the paranoia thought, "What if John sent Sam to you to get information, to see what you would reveal to Sam, to see if John can catch you in your words Carol." I stopped that thought. If John does that, he'll be in a heap of trouble, I would think. I'm not responsible for John. I'm responsible for me. I do what I must do to keep my integrity the best I know how.

I thought of what Joe stated...about the bullet points. I've avoided the exercise at least for one reason of not wanting to admit that I do want to expose John. I do feel a desire for vengeance. Any 'vengeance' motive, I'll keep in check. I'll allow universe to handle that aspect. But, it is not vengeance to speak my truth.

So what are a few goals I want regarding my situation with Knapp:

1 - I think that at some point I want to post my retraction blog entry; I want to expose John. But I don't want to muck the investigation or do anything that would put me in harm's way legally. I'll also need to be prepared for my own emotional responses once I post. My concerns regarding Sam and Anita have already been handled - at least somewhat.

2 - I want to let the investigator know about John's non-profit. Personally, I'd like to see it shut down because I don't trust John. That said I have no control over whether it shuts down or not. Perhaps it will help some people. Fine and good; I still wouldn't recommend it unless John makes a big change.

3 - I want to be at peace with myself, to feel that I have acted with as much integrity as I know how.

4 - I want to not think about the situation everyday. At the same time I want to not forget it. I want it to be incorporated into my life's lessons, my personal curriculum of life events.

5 - I'd like to see John held accountable for what happened to me, that he does receive disciplinary action with enough impact so that this sort of thing doesn't happen to another client.

Some of my goals may change. And that's o.k.

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Note: In June/July, 2011,  I changed John Knapp's pseudonym in this piece to his real name.
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Note: The above is more from my personal journal and/or other writings as I moved through the inner turmoil after the Knapp trauma which happened the end of July/beginning of August, 2010. The sharings are simply my thoughts at the time processing through events that took place with my ex-therapist, John M. Knapp, LMSW. To access an ongoing index, click here and scroll down to the section entitled June 26, 2011.
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